Masquerade! Every face a different shade...

Remember the Masquerade my friends and I went to last year?

Well,

we loved it so much that we went again this year.

This time my little sister Emilee came.

It was so much fun.

This is the start of a new tradtion!

:)

Hoping to Adopt: Antoine & Jennifer

ANTOINE AND JENNIFER:

Antoine and Jennifer have been married a little over 2 years and just celebrated their 9th "anniversary of dating" on New Years.

After a few years of infertility treatments, they knew adoption was the way they were meant to start their family. They are an inter racial couple hoping to adopt a biracial baby.

They don't have any kids yet but have alot of experience since Antoine has much younger siblings. One brother is 7, the other is 13 and his sister just turned 9 (pictured above). They absolutely love spending time with them and sharing traditions they had growing up. They cannot wait to share these things with their child!

Antoine is an independent contractor and loves his job since he is a "people person". He loves the opportunity of getting to meet new people on a daily basis.

Jennifer currently works in system configuration in an I.T. department at a local health insurance company. While she loves her job, she cannot wait to be able to be at home spending time as a mommy!

They both have extremely supportive families, as well as friends. Neither of their families have any grandchildren, so they cannot WAIT to be grandparents. While Antoines siblings are younger, they too cannot wait to play with their new neice or nephew! Jennifers sister cannot WAIT to be an aunt!!

They truly are each others best friend!

To Learn More about Jennifer and Antoine, CLICK HERE!

Dr. Laura

I love this Woman

Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Ever heard of her?

She has a "talk show" I guess is what you could call it.

She 'gives advice'

I agree with her on about 99% of the things she says.

She is a very very wise woman.

I was on her show once.

I called her when I was pregnant.

Of course it was back when I didn't know Dustin and Andrea very well.

I had probably met them like two months prior to calling her.

My question was How to bring up to Dustin and Andrea how open the adoption was going to be.

really.

ha.

Dustin and Andrea get full credit for how open they have allowed this adoption to be,

but Dr. Laura gets the credit for giving me the guts to bring it up to them.

For the record though,

It's a hilarious question now.

I know Dustin and Andrea. If I knew then what I know now,

I would laugh hysterically at myself for calling her with that question.

Dustin and Andrea are easy to talk to.

If I am worried about something or if I have a question,

I just ask them.

Why?

Because communication is a HUGE part of it all,

and because Dustin and Andrea were the best choice I ever made.

Moral of the Story:

Dr. Laura is genius, and Communication is Key.

P.S.

Dustin and Andrea had no idea that I was on Dr. Laura...until now. :)

sorry guys.

It must have slipped my mind.

[no really. it did.]

Scammers

I just read a post by Mrs. R that made me sick.

Mrs. R was Scammed last week.
She was scammed by a girl that has done this to at least 3 other couples.

This girl, "T.A" was pretending to be pregnant.
She was saying she wanted to place her baby with the r house.

This girl is a liar.

I cannot even comprehend how someone in their right mind could do something so plain evil,
because that's definitely what it is.
HOW could you sleep at night?
This girl was toying with very very sensitive emotions.

One of these scammed couples said this:

"We are very soured on adoption now and would appreciate any positive experiences, or insight you could give us. I'm just shocked anyone would do this. I'm devastated!"

That breaks my heart.
Really.

Adoption is an amazing thing.
Why someone would do something so cruel so they could "feel important" or whatever it is that this girl said was her reason, I will never know.

But because of her,
others are hurt by it.
Others are feeling the pain she has left for them.

I highly recommed reading Mrs. R's story.
I think it will educate other adoptive couples on the 'signs' of scammers.

I PRAY this doesn't happen to you.

I can't find the right words to express how sickened I am by this girl.
She needs some serious help. 

Here is mrs. r's story:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Mrs. R is working with these other couples to hopefully Press Charges.
Because yes, you can do that to scammers.
Especially Adoption Scammers.

Please keep T.A and these families affected by her in your prayers.
I'm sure they both need it.

The Room

Sorry the layout to this post is so weird...I don't know what is wrong with it!

I had a really good visit with Keltson's Mom on Wednesday.

She is one the strongest people I know.

She gave me a Christmas gift that put me in tears

(suprising huh? I never cry! ;) haha.)

It was a gift basket.

with all sorts of thing to remember Keltson by.

One of the things inside was a poem Keltson wrote.

About a year before Keltson passed away,

I became aware of the amazing writer he was.

He wrote a story about a dream he had and I was so intrigued the whole time.

He was an amazing writer.

This poem he wrote was about Christmas.

It showed his amazing Testimony of our Savior.

That is not the point of this post though.

The reason I tell you this is to understand how I came across the story that I am about to share.

I was showing/telling my little sister about this basket.

When I showed her the poem, she said that it reminded her of a young man that passed away.

She was told about this in Seminary a few weeks ago.

She found it on the internet and showed it to me.

I couldn't resist posting it on my blog.

It was so good.

It really made me think

Before I share the poem though, I am going to share the story behind it; About the Author:

About The Author

Procrastinating as usual, 17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to

write something for the Fellowship of Christian Athletes meeting. It was his

turn to lead the discussion. So he sat down and wrote.

He showed the essay titled "The Room" to his mother, Beth, before he headed

out the door. "I wowed 'em," he later told his father Bruce. "It's a killer.

It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote." It was also the last.

Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while

cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teays Valley High school.

Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every

piece of his life near them-the crepe paper that had adorned his locker

during his senior football season, note from classmates and teachers, his

homework.

Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering

Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen'

life.

But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that

their son had described his view of heaven. "It makes such an impact that

people want to share it. You feel like you are there," Mr. Moore said.

Brian Moore died May 27, 1997-the day after Memorial Day. He was driving

home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in

Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck

unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted. Brian

seemed to excel at everything he did. He was an honor student. He told his

parents he loved them "a hundred times a day", Mrs. Moore said. He was a

star wide receiver for the Teays Valley football team and had earned a

four-year scholarship to Capital University in Columbus because of his

athletic and academic abilities. He took it upon himself to learn how

to help a fellow student who used a wheelchair at school. During one

homecoming ceremony, Brian walked on his tiptoes so the girl he was

escorting wouldn't be embarrassed about being taller than he was. He adored

his kid brother, Bruce, now 14. He often escorted his grandmother Evelyn

Moore, who lives in Columbus to church. "I always called him the deep

thinker," Evelyn Moore said of her eldest grandson.

Two years after his death, his family still struggles to understand why

Brian was taken from them. They find comfort at the cemetery where Brian is

buried, just a few blocks from their home. They visit daily. A candle and

dozens of silk and real flowers keep vigil over the graveside. The Moores

framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the

living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to

find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and

her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy

for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him again someday,"

Mrs.Moore said. "I just hurt so bad now."

The Story...

The Room

By Brian Keith Moore

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.

There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with

small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list

titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which

stretched from floor to ceiling and right to left as far as the eye could

see, had very different headings.

As I walked up to the wall of files,the first to catch my attention was one

that read, "People I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the

cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names

written on each one. And then, without being told, I knew exactly where I

was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my

entire life. The actions of my every moment, big and small, were written in

a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, mixed

with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and

exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories, others a sense

of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if

anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed". The

titles ranged from common, everyday things to the not-so-common-"Books I

Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have

Laughed At". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I Have

Yelled At My Brothers and Sisters." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I

Have Done in Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents".

I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more

cards than I expected. Sometimes less than I had hoped.

The sheer volume of the life I had lived overwhelmed me. Could it be

possible that I had time in my 17 years to write each of these thousands or

millions of cards? But each card confirmed the truth. Each card was written

in my own handwriting. Each card was signed with my signature. When I pulled

out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized the files grew to

contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or

three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so

much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew

that file represented. When I came to the file marked "Lustful Thoughts";

I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing

to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.

I felt sick to think such a moment had been recorded.

A feeling of humiliation and anger ran through my body. One thought

dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see

this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy, I yanked the file

out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But

as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could

not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only

to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly.

helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the

wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

That was when I saw it. The file bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel

With". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I

pulled on its handle and a small box not more than 3 inches long fell into

my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the

tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my

stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of

shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves

swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I

must lock it up and hide the key.

Then as I looked up through my tears, I saw Him enter the room. No, please

not Him. Not here. Anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to

open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response.

The few times I looked at His face I saw such sadness that it tore at my

heart. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did he have to

read every one?

Finally, He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me

with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped

my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked

over and put his arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He

didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of

the room, He took out a file, and, one by one began to sign His name over

mine on each card. "No!" I shouted, rushing to Him. All I could find to say

was "No, no", as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these

cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name

of Jesus covered mine. It was written in blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the

cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the

next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my

side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood

up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on the door. There were

still cards to be written

To Michelle:

you added me to facebook

I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!!

please readd me!

I was just double checking who you were when I emailed you!!

The Peace and Relief of 2010

I feel like this post doesn't make sense..I hope it does.

It's hard to put things like this in words.

so I'm apologize in advance if it doesn't!

*****

A Few Months ago I realized something.

I was trying to figure out WHY in the world the constant ache I was feeling from the loss of Placing Avery wasn't leaving.

After much pondering and praying,

I realized that I missed one of the last steps of the repentace process.

forgiving myself.

I took more than a year for me to realize this.

I began thinking that I needed to talk to the Bishop.

To make sure I wasn't missing anything.

I wanted the pain to go away.

Two days after thinking that I needed to talk to the Bishop,

I walked upstairs to my dad (Who is the Bishops Secretary).

He told me that the Bishop wanted to meet with me that day.

I was suprised to say the least.

It wasn't until I actually started talking to him that I broke down though...

 he said "I've been thinking about you for the last couple of days and felt like We needed to meet."

that is when the tears started.

Yeah,

Pretty sure I love my Bishop.

Anyway,

Back to what has finally happened.

It took a few weeks for me to get through the "forgiving myself" point.

I think the key to that is realizing what Christ did for us.

He died for us so that we wouldn't have to suffer for our sins for the rest of our lives if we repent.

I was feeling that gigantic hole in my heart constantly because I wasn't allowing The Atonement into my life.

I had to come to fully understand the reason for the Atonement.

I had to come to understand what Christ did for us.

He suffered for our Sins so that we could truly be forgiven of our sins.

So that we didn't have to feel that pain forever.

 My Bishop is really good at getting through to me.

He said something that really got me thinking.

I know I've heard it before, but the way he said it...got to me.

"The key to Happiness is not by living in the past, or the future, but by living in the present. Because that's really the only thing we can control."

I was having such a hard time with the mistake I made,

that I wasn't happy.

I can only fix what is NOW.

I can't change what's happened before,

and

I can't change what is going to happen.

I can only change NOW.

So now is the time to start living right.

I made one mistake and it's affected my life up until this point.

I've been so angry with myself that I haven't been able to get over the pain

 these pictures...

Avery is a lot bigger now...It's about time I finally get my life back to normal right?

(sorry...a little sidetracked)

Anyway..

Back in September,

I was visitng Avery and Andrea.

that day I realized that I didn't feel that "motherly bond" with her as I had before.

But I still felt that pain. That constant pain that I swear could kill you.

That bothered me.

a lot.

Well I just saw Avery again on December 26th to give her her Christmas present.

While I was there,

About half way through our visit,

Dustin and Andrea were standing there, Holding Avery in their arms.

I was standing in front of them, looking at Avery

and

it hit me.

I don't know what it was but I consciously thought,

"This isn't my daughter. This is Dustin and Andrea's daughter. Not mine...and I'm okay with that."

I almost broke down right there...but not of pain,

of joy...of RELIEF 

I was SO HAPPY that I finally felt what I'd been looking for all of this time.

I've always felt the peace that I did the right thing.

I've always KNOWN that I did the right thing.

I've been comforted over and over again by the Spirit that I did the right thing,

that Avery was Dustin and Andrea's daughter.

But the pain never went away.

I realized at that moment though,

The I was finally honestly and truly content with my decision.

My heart was no longer aching.

Don't get me wrong,

I know I will still have my days.

I will have my moments...but it won't be the constant pain.

I'm finally at peace.

What a great way to start off the new year.

2009 Year in Review

I was hoping to have this posted by December 31st...
haha.
Pretty sure I didn't make it.
My computer was not cooperating.
 BUT,
At least I got it up right!?!?

 Andrea did this last year and I thought it was a great idea..

So I'm stealing it. :)

Here goes MY year in review for 2009!!

January:

This blog was born.

I received the best roomates EVERR

February:

 I went to my first Masquerade!!

I wrote my Adoption Story

For the first time.

I got revenge...for THIS!

March:

I participated in the Red Envelope Project.

Terri got Engaged

I got my Wisdom Teeth out...and a bruised face!

(attractive picture. haha)

April:

I became a member of Mrs. R's Birthmom Panel

Celebrated the Anniversary of meeting Dustin and Andrea for the first time

Made my list of 101 goals in 1001 days.

Told the story of my supportive mother.

Avery turned 6 months old

and I heard this poem

Had to say goodbye to my roomates

May:

 Avery was sealed to her family.

I talked about how to deal with the pain of placement.

Went to the Adoption Walk on Birthmothers Day

Experienced the miracle of the Priesthood

I got pulled over....again

June:

"My life, My Passion"

I experienced my Rainbow after the Storm

July:

Watched an amazing video

We had a pool party for Pioneer Day

I got a job as a case manager for birthmoms!

August:

Entered an Adoption Voices Contest

Went to Mandy's Farm with friend from Utah State
and had a going away party for Keara.

I decided to Write a Book

 September:

Conner took his first steps!


Learned more about the Grieving Process.

  October:

 Thanks to my supporters, I won 3rd place in the Adoption Voices Contest.  
 
I learned more about Faith.

What NOT to say to Birthmoms 

 I got an AWESOME Job in the Maternity Unit.

Avery Turns ONE! 



  
November:

I had to quit my Case manager Job.  

Started a Hoping to Adopt segment for November's National Adoption Month.

December:  

Avery says my name for the first time!

 It wasn't me. 

Marys Dream 

CHRISTMAS!

 Thanks to all of my blog readers for your support this year!
I couldn't be more blessed.
 Now,
Here's to 2010!!