Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dealing with the pain

Me and Avery on Placement day

Due to a comment on a recent post of mine,
I was asked to make a post on how I have dealt with the pain of placing.

I'm not quite sure how well this is going to turn out,
because I'm not sure how to put it in words.
But we'll so how it goes.

Before I start though, I would like to say that I have DEFINITELY had hard days. The pain I have dealt with hasn't been easy and I didn't just breeze through this process. I did have hard hard days, but I also had good days. It's really all just part of the healing process.

Here are mainly the top 3 things that have really helped me cope:
  1. Prayer -- I wouldn't be nearly as well off as I am if it wasn't for constant prayer. I feel so much closer to my Father in Heaven because of this experience. As a result of the constant prayer in my life, I have been a lot closer to the spirit and have been comforted at my times of need.

  2. Family -- If it wasn't for my mom and dad, I wouldn't be nearly as well off. My dad has been there every step of the way giving me priesthood blessings, or just simply hugging me and letting me cry on his shoulder. My mom has been there every step of the way as well with everything and has been someone I could talk to about Avery whenever I felt that I couldn't live another day without her.

  3. Remembering why I placed -- Whenever I am having a hard day, remembering the reason that I decided to place her for adoption in the first place has ALWAYS helped. It helped me take my mind off of my wants and needs and has helped me remember that if I did have her with me at the moment, she wouldn't be as well off.

Of course there were many other factors that have helped so much with the healing process, but without fail, those 3 things have helped me every time.

Another thing that has helped is telling me story and talking about it...hence my blog. I LOVE sharing my story with others. When I first started this blog it was for healing purposes mostly. But as it went further, I just wanted to share my story with the world!! :):)

I take every opportunity I possibly can to speak about it

Having an open adoption has also been a huge way of being able to heal. Knowing how Avery is doing and that she is happy and so well off helped me to know that she was better off.

I really think that open adoptions have a huge impact on the healing process. I think that without them, I would have always wondered how Avery was doing, what milestones she was accomplishing, how she was bonding with her family and all of those things.

Because I DO have an open adoption and because Dustin and Andrea are such great people, I know all of those things and have now come to the point where I know without a doubt that Avery is their child. It was a tough road for a while, but now I feel as if I have overcome it.

All of us birthmoms deal with it in a different way, but I can say with compelete confidence that it gets easier. I'm not saying that the pain goes away completely, I'm only saying that it will get SO much easier. I finally feel like I have my life back and that's really such a great feeling.


Heidi said...

You are an amazing and strong young woman. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Anonymous said...

Thank you!! Really I appreciate it! I will definately be emailing you one of these days, I just haven't had the time, or words to say much. You really mean alot to me and this post really helped. I have noticed that I too am healing each day: sometimes its anger, sometimes sadness(like my first comment) and sometimes even gratitude. I think it is still a little awkward talking and crying over it to people so I have a hard time opening up about my situation, but soon I will swallow my pride and email you ha ha! Thanks I really do look up to you!
(oh and I always comment under anonymous cuz I don't have a blog, not cuz I don't want you to know who I am! ha)

Michelle said...

You are so strong. I feel like most days our birth mother is not as strong as you are.

Rachelle said...

you are so amazing. i thought about you today when i watched this video on someone's blog: http://trentandcarlie.blogspot.com/2009/04/adoption-video.html

maybe you have heard that song before, but wanted to forward it to you in case you hadn't. it made me think of you!

Andee said...

Great I'm so glad to hear that you have noticed your healing each day. It seriously does help a lot to talk to someone that has an idea of what your going through. So if you do feel like you need someone to talk to, I'm just an email away! :)


I HAVE seen that video before..and I cried like a baby! Thanks for thinking of me when you saw it! It means a lot!

Becca said...

andee, you are amazing for sharing your story and having the desire to get it out there...have u thought of networking via twitter?, there are tons of women on there in the adoption world that i am sure would love to hear your voice...

Her Bad Mother said...

Somebody told me that I should read your story, and they were right. My mom gave up a child for adoption before I was born, and has lived with tremendous heartache. Your story gives me another perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing it.

mrs. r said...

that picture ...it's all i could get through.

i will come back later to read.

love you.

praying for all the aabm ladies this weekend. are you going to the birthmom walk in provo? if you are, i am taking you out to ice cream or something afterward.


Andee said...

Becca I DO have a twitter...haha I just don't really understand what to do with it..so I haven't really used it. wanna help?

Mrs. R. I AM going to the walk! I am so glad you are going. I can FINALLY meet you in person!

Becca said...

Andee, I would love to help...you can find me here @beccachats I am still a newbie to twitter also, but I am finding some amazing stories and adoption advocates on there ;)

emily said...

Made me shed a tear... or two. And I dont cry! You are stronger than I could have been. Thanks for discussing such personal thoughts, I am sure you inspire and help other girls.