Fall

I know it's been a while since I've posted here, 

but I'm feeling the need to do it now. 

Every year towards the end of September,

I begin a process.

It's like the Grieving process all over again. 

Every. Year.

It takes about an hour for me to drive to work every week.

I work every Friday night and for the past two weeks,

just minutes into the drive,

I have ended up crying my eyes out. 

Let me explain.

October 11th 2008, 

Keltson died

October 28th 2008, 

Avery was born.

I have come to one conclusion. 

This year, my grief has been significantly different for both subjects.

You'd think that since it's been 4 years,

I'd have come to terms with the fact that Keltson is gone.

I mean,

I'm happily married and I have a beautiful family.

I'm SO incredibly in love with my Husband.

Seriously,

he was made for me.

He gets me and understands me more than anyone else in this world.

Even ME sometimes.

So please don't take it the wrong way when I talk about Keltson.

Keltson was my very best friend back in '08.

He was there for me during the time I needed a friend the most.

He made sure I had a friend during the most difficult time in my life. 

I can't even begin to express what an incredible person he was.

I know I know,

when someone dies, 

people tend to put them on a pedestal.

I know that I do that to a degree sometimes,

but every fall, 

I think about how I was able to spend he last few months of life with him.

and I'm not putting it on a pedestal. 

I just remember our conversations or our adventures at 2 am. 

I'm SO Grateful for him.

I needed him SO MUCH.
I was going through such a hard time in my life and I needed a friend JUST LIKE HIM.

I just hope it's normal that I'm having such a hard time accepting his death.

He was my best friend when he died. 

I'm sure I wasn't his, but he was mine.

He was my ONLY friend for a long time throughout my pregnancy with Avery.

He helped me through and I am so grateful to him for that. 

I just miss my friend. 

I really do. 

Tonight however,

I cried because of Avery.

It was different though.

Avery is where she is supposed to be and I have no doubt about that.

But feeling the crisp air on my face,

or the chill in the wind.

even the SMELL of fall,

brings back those memories of my days in the hospital with her.

I cry because I remember my heart breaking when I signed those papers.

When I left that hospital.

I remember the two months afterwards when every part of my motherly instincts were screaming and begging me to just go get her. 

But it always ends with me thinking

"At least I can say I still get to hug her, talk to her, hold her and play with her"

I love that.
I am SO glad we have an open adoption. 

I'm SO glad that I still get to see the little angel that made me who I am. 

She seriously opened my eyes to what's most important in life.

Even though she's not MINE,

she left her hand print right smack dab in the middle of my heart. 

Seriously. 

Avery is my little Angel and her hand print on my heart will never ever ever leave.

So as fall continues to bring back those feelings of my heart shattered on the floor,

with Avery, I don't think that will every leave.

To be honest, I don't really want it to.

That was such a spiritual time for me that when I think of it,

I remember what peace I felt through all of this.

as for Keltson...

well, I KNOW I'll never forget him.

ever.

But I do hope that one day I can accept the fact that he's gone.

November is good at trying to escape...but I have caught it just in time

I am very fully aware of the fact that November is National Adoption month.

I feel terrible for failing miserabely at posting about it so far. It's already the 10th!

There has been so much going on in my life that I've completely lost track of time.

I can't believe that this month is already 1/3 of the way through.

I've been trying to decide what to do about this since it's way too late to do what I usually do.

(unless you're aware of what I usually do and you want to quickly shoot me an email, I can spotlight you :))

I've decided,

that although it's going to be short and sweet,

at least it will be SOMETHING,

I'm going to post about one thing I'm grateful for everyday for the rest of the month and why.

Of course it's going to all be adoption related,

because lets face it,

Adoption has changed my life and made me who I am today.

I'm so sorry for my lack of posts.

My daughter has been experiencing some medical problems and we found out recently that she is going to need surgery; which has resulted in me feeling all sorts of emotions and being very distracted.

I hope I can make up for it somehow!

Eternal Writers Cramp

I was just reading some of my posts from 2009,

and I gotta say...

I've really lowered my writing standards since then haven't I?

I feel as though I am not even the same person as I was back then.

Which, I'm not...

but can't I still have my same writing techniques?

I'm so BORING now and I just barely realized it!

I apologize to everyone for this mishap.

It's disappointing to the max.

Pretty sure college was helping me sound intelligent.

Maybe I should go back...

haha

I feel like my life has changed so much since then and I've had so much going on,

that I've put my blog on a back burner.

So when I DO update,

it's more like word vomit.

It's not pretty.

I hope that everyone can forgive me.

I'm really not the grumpy girl that's been updating the last year...

I've just lost my writing inspiration I guess :(

Wish I have parented?

I received a question on my last post,

that is a question I have also been asked a lot so I decided to answer it in a post as well.

The question was:

I can't help but wonder, now that you are married and a mom do you ever wish you could have parented Avery since now you have a two parent household for her? In hindsight, do you regret it or do you (or her adoptive parents) worry she might wonder why she was adopted and her sibling (through birth/blood) was not?

Short Answer: No.

Long Answer:

For those of you that are also LDS,

it's probably easier for you to understand this.

But I will try my best to explain it if you are not.

We understand that families can be together forever. The way to do that is to be sealed together for time and all eternity in the Temple. When we are married, instead of parting at death, we are sealed together for Eternity. Even After death.

This is something that I have a strong Testimony of. I am so grateful that we can be together forever. I can't imagine thinking that if my Husband or Family Member or Child were to pass away that we wouldn't be a forever family! It is so comforting to know that when a family member passes on, we WILL see them again and we WILL be a family forever.

So now let me explain something as far as Avery goes.

Avery's Birthfather and I would not have stayed together.

Our marriage would not have lasted. 

We wouldn't have been sealed in the Temple, which means we wouldn't be a forever family.

How do you think Avery would feel,

if she was the only one that was not sealed to her family?

Because Tyson and I were Sealed in the Temple when we were married,

Kalista was born into the Covenant which means she was born already sealed to us.

When Dustin and Andrea adopted Avery,

they were able to take her to the Temple and be sealed to her.

The only way that Avery would have been able to be sealed to us,

is if her Birthfather allowed Tyson to adopt her and let me tell you right now,

I know for a FACT that he would not have allowed that.

So that is one Major reason that I still know that Avery is where she is supposed to be.

Not once have I wished I had parented her now that she would be living in a stable environment.

Another reason is that just because she would still have a two parent home,

she would still be going to her birthfathers home every weekend.

She would still be passed back and forth.

I gotta say,

I'm having a hard time leaving Kali at my parents house over night for mine and Tysons Anniversary...

I would DIE having to do it every single weekend!

I hope this makes sense and that I'm not just rambling,

but marrying Tyson just confirmed to me that Avery is in the right place.

She is sealed to her parents.

and I know that as long as you are sealed to your family,

that everyone is a family in heaven anyway.

We're all brothers and sisters.

SO no,

I don't wish I had parented her.

not for one second.

But I love that girl so dang much!!

Which is why I don't regret placing her.

She is better off!

and when I see a post like THIS,

it just confirms my feelings even more :)

April 15th

April 15th was the 3 year anniversary of when I met Dustin and Andrea!

That is so crazy to me. I can't believe it's been 3 years.

Andrea texted me on Friday (April 15th)

and just said that she pretty much can't believe it's been three years and we just talked about how grateful we were for meeting each other.

Then she said "Avery told me today that she is so happy"

She just randomly said that?

Coincedence? I don't think so.

I placed Avery for adoption because I wanted that for her.

I WANTED her to be happy and have every oppertunity in life possible.

That comment she made, makes me SO happy I can't even tell you.

She IS happy.

I feel like I WAS able to make her happy just like I wanted her to be.

It made me a little emotional when Andrea said that.

not that I didn't KNOW if Avery was happy or not, because TRUST me I knew that before. She is one of the happiest little girls I know.

But hearing that, means she RECOGNIZES it.

I absolutely love it.

While I was texting her I was driving in the car with Tyson.

I have been feeling so blessed lately.

Dustin and Andrea are so good to me. They have been amazing with helping me get through this.

I feel almost guilty for how good I feel about all of this and that's what I was telling Tyson.

I know quite a few birthmoms and I talk to a lot of them quite a bit.

and I feel like I am one of the VERY few that aren't...suffering anymore.

I think that's a good word for it.

I seriously don't even think of Avery as mine anymore.

Sometimes I even forget that I actually gave birth to her.

Everytime I see Her, Dustin and Andrea, it's apparant that they have always belonged together.

They fit together SO well.

Avery never was mine. She has always been theirs and I don't think of her as mine anymore.

I love her SO much and of course that will never change.

But I feel like I'm more content with this decision than a lot of other birthmoms that placed around the same time as I did are.

I know that eventually,

this point comes for most, if not all, birthmoms.

But I just feel almost heartless for feeling so content with this so early.

I told Tyson that I felt like there was something wrong with me.

He thought that was ridiculous. haha

He said that he thinks that it has a lot to do with my personality.

He said that because I'm so OCD about things; Like..I have to be organized,

I planned, even before Avery was born how this was all going to play out.

Since it all went just as I planned, I am content with it.

It went the way I wanted it to and Avery is just as happy as I always imagined her to be and she is with her family.

I understand that now a little.

Maybe it's because I knew how I wanted it to be before she was even born.

So I prepared for it earlier than most and since it turned out like I wanted it to turn out,

I'm just fine.

of COURSE, I still have days were I miss her,

but I don't feel even CLOSE to how I felt the first year.

I don't have the Mother-Daughter connection with her anymore.

it's a different connection and one that not very many people get to have.

But I'm just SO grateful for Dustin and Andrea.

THEY play a huge part in why I'm so content with everything.

They were so supportive, and helpful through the hard times I had after she was born,

that I was able to get through it so well and so quickly.

If they had tried to push me out of their lives in the first year because I was seeing her so much,

I am SURE I wouldn't feel the way I do now.

Instead, they were SO patient with me while I was slowly able to break that connection and move it to something better and healthier. My heart is filled with so much gratitude for them and this experience.

I couldn't have BEEN more blessed through all of this.

I love them and I love adoption!!

< 3

I have had a REALLY hard time doing this.

Every single comment I received on my last post,

made it harder and harder to just abandon my blog.

After reading all of the advice,

I feel like I've put all of them together and made a decision.

Before I received the 30+ comments on my last post and on formspring,

I was going to just completely move this blog to private and not allow any access...

then once we had the blog published,

I would delete it completely.

But...

now I feel like I'm being selfish.

It means a LOT to me that so many people have benefited from this

and to be honest,

I didn't realize it.

Since I still feel like it would be best for my family to have a private,

less controversial blog,

I have already created a new one and began making my personal posts there.

But I don't think I'll delete this blog.

At least for now.

HOWEVER,

I am going to moderate ALL of the comments I receive.

I will NOT publish the hurtful, mean comments.

I won't even finish reading them if I feel that they are moving to negativity towards who I am.

I CAN'T deal with those kinds of people anymore.

And,

this blog will be about Adoption.

So,

I probably won't post very much.

The only times I will is whenever I do something pertaining to adoption,

AKA speaking at high schools, on panels, attending an adoption related event, etc..

If you want to access my private blog,

comment on this post/send me and email with your blogger email address.

I can only have 100 readers on that blog.

I am HOPING I can keep it private.

I'm not sure how it will work so that my entire family can read it,

but I do NOT want negative comments on it.

We'll see how it works :S

But again, that blog will just be about my family and our lives.

I will post on there a BUNCH!

This one,

will not have as much activity. 

But I feel too guilty deleting it completly.

Especially if there are still other people out there that can benefit.

I honestly LOVE all of my readers.

I can't explain how helpful and sweet you all are to me.

I don't wanna just abandon you!!

I'm hoping this works.

If not,

I'm going to have to completely quit posting to this blog.

and I will only keep it up until I have it published.

I am grateful for all of the comments and advice received from my last post.

It really has helped me decide...

plus it's alot less painful for me to do it this way. :)

I didn't like my last decision and was having a REALLY hard time with it.

So,
I'm not going to completely delete it.
At least for now.
But if you want to read my personal blog,
comment/email me with your blogger email address
< 3

The one thing I am more passionate about than Adoption...

The incredible Stefanie made a post yesterday.

I gotta say it hit home for me more than ANY other post I've ever read.

If you want me to lose complete respect for you in less than 10 seconds,

just say these four word to me:

"I've had an Abortion"

I in no way see my losing respect for you as judgemental.

WHY?

Because if you have had an abortion,

it seems quite obvious that I care more about that Child you've killed more than you.

Which is quite sad.

I can't imagine someone loving my child more than me.

Abortion is the one thing that I can honestly say I am more passionate about than Adoption.

Adoption is the BEST option!

I love it SOO MUCH!

But I would never ever say that someone was wrong,

or being selfish if they chose to single parent.

That is there decision and that is them doing what they think is best.

and it very well could be.

But Abortion??

There is NOTHING anyone can say that will make me think that is a good option to choose.

It is NOT best for that child they are carrying.

That Child isn't even being born!

Instead they are bruttally murduring it.

yeah,

I gotta say,

I don't know anyone that wants to be murdered.

Do you?

has anyone walked up to you and said

"I wish someone would murder me today."

Or better yet,

has anyone ever said

"I wish my mom had just had an abortion when she was pregnant with me."

yeah,

didn't think so.

Before I go on,

I would like to admit that my writing skills have hit the toilet.

I don't know why but I can't seem to write what's on my mind as well as I used to...

I'll call it pregnancy related. ha.

Because of this,

I've decided that I'm just going to show this video.

I am SO passionate about this that the best way for me to state my feeling is by showing this chilling video.

I watched it when I was pregnant with Avery.

I cried all day after watching it.

I couldn't believe that someone would do this to a child.

I am pregnant again.

I gotta tell you now that I can't watch it.

I have a child inside of me right now.

She is moving as we speak.

She is playing around in my belly and getting bigger every day.

It kills me to even entertain the thought that this happens to other baby's like her.

I am getting emotional just typing it.

It kills me to think that when I was pregnant with Avery,

people chose this option over Adoption.

I can't imagine EVER doing this to Avery,

to my CHILD.

To something that is COMPLETELY depending on me...

and this is how you show them that you care?

The video is long, but it's facts. WATCH IT if you don't believe abortion is murder.

After watching this,

you tell me if it's still just TISSUE that you're getting rid of.

19 Week Ultrasound

I'm 19 weeks.

(almost half way!!)

We had our 19 week Ultrasound on Thursday and things look great!

Kali hates Ultrasounds.

She's turned her back towards us in both of them, little stink!

Nonetheless,

the Ultrasound tech got what she needed and Kali is completely healthy.

and yes it's still a girl!

haha

With my dang belly getting so freaking big,

you'd think that Tyson would have been able to not only feel her kick,

but SEE her as well.

But,

my uterus just likes to grow!

However,

Kali is growing and I'm feeling her more and more.

and YESTERDAY,

Tyson finally felt her kick!

We were waiting to be seated at Chilis,

and were sitting in the front,

and all of the sudden she started moving around a whole bunch.

So I put Tysons hand on my Belly

and he finally felt her!

I was so glad.

:):)

Then,

that night,

I was taking a bath and she started kicking a whole bunch again.

and I actually saw my belly move.

I was so excited.

But it only moved the skin once so Tyson hasn't seen THAT yet.

I felt her move more than I ever had before yesterday

and today I've been feeling her a lot more...

which means she's growing...

which means it's getting closer.

In other news,

I got my hair done on Thursday too.

I changed it a lot...

more than I have in years!

It's closer to my natural color.

I little darker,

but this way I decided that if I'm unable to go get it done again,

(because we are trying to get a house...which we'll know for SURE if we are approved in less than 60 days)

Then it won't be obvious or look bad when my roots come in.

I've had a hard time getting used to it,

but most every else seems to like it...

especially Tyson. and he's really the only person I care about liking it!

19 weeks.

18 week Dr Appointment and the Best husband ever

I had my 18 week appointment yesterday

and I have my 20 week Ultrasound next week

(I'll be almost 20 weeks by then)

Everything looked good and good news,

my heartburn has lessened quite a bit within the last month!!

It was pretty bad,

but now it's pretty bearable.

Kali was hiding from the Dr when he tried to find her heartbeat.

It took a bit to find it and I'm not gonna lie,

I panicked just a bit when that happened.

But that's pretty normal. Especially for me.

I seriously worry about EVERYTHING.

It really is such a miracle that my little girl is growing in my belly...

it doesn't feel possible so I constantly worry that something is going to happen to her!

(It's apparant that it doesn't get better with each pregnancy. haha)

So,

things went well with that.

Then,

when I got home, I began feeling incredibely sick.

My little brother just tested positive for strep throat...

so I'm thinking it could be that.

I have a sore throat and everything,

but I also have a headache,

nausea

and extreme congestion.

I'm sure the Nausea is pregnancy related,

and I've had headaches before,

 but NOT like this!!

Anyway,

the point is I was feeling sick

(and it's only gotten worse today)

I got home around 4:30,

and Tyson got home at about 5:30.

When he got home,

he seriously waited on me more than ever.

Not only had he been working hard at work all day,

but then he comes home,

makes me a grilled cheese sandwich and soup

tickles my back,

gives my Tylenol,

prepares a bath for me

and makes sure I have everything I need.

Then,

when I remember that I made plans with Keara to play games with her and some other friends,

he drops what he's doing to relax,

and says we should go.

So,

he tells me I look beautiful,
(When I have wet hair flailing everywhere, no make up on and I'm in ugly pj's

It's obvious that's not the case! haha)

He tells me not to change,

and we go play games until we decide we need to go home to go to bed so we won't be tired for work.

THAT was only yesterday.

Today,

he worked way late,

in the freezing cold, on the roof of a store, in a blizzard.

He calls me when he's driving home and knows i'm sick so he picks up some dinner,

brings it to me in bed

and

makes sure I have everything.

Just like he did yesterday.

I absolutely LOVE him.

I definitely don't deserve someone so incredible.

He's gonna be an incredible Dad.

I love you Tyson!

I'll post another pregnancy picture next time :)

It's a...

15 weeks.

I really don't look forward to what I'm going to look like at 40 weeks!!

SOO,

We found out what we are having today!

According to the poll on this blog,

the # of votes for a boy won with flying colors!

72% voted BOY!

and

27% voted GIRL!

I myself predicted boy as well.

We got to Fetal Foto's a 6:30

and when they brought us into the room,

I felt like I was going to throw up.

I was SO nervous and SO excited all at once.

Tyson and I had gone out to get Mexican food right before.

I hoped that eating spicy food would make sure the baby wasn't shy enough to hide their Gender!

haha.

Not sure if that was the reason or not,

but once she put the Ultrasound recorder on my Belly,

the first thing the baby showed us was its cute little booty.

Something about seeing our baby for the first time,

on the screen,

caused me to want to cry of amazement.

The Ultrasound tech moved the camera around just a bit and there it was.

The result of our babys Gender.

We are having a.....

GIRL!!!!!!

When this result was made known to me,

I immediately started bawling.

I couldn't BELIEVE IT!

I still am having a hard time coming to terms with it.

We are having a girl!!

I was SO convinced that it was a boy.

She was up on that screen posing for a few minutes,

but kept turning her body so we could only see the back of her.

She started getting a little shy :)

We already had her name picked out.

Our little girl is going to be

Kalista Jean.

We'll call her Kali for short.

So,

 Kali Jean

I can't even begin to express my excitement.

Tyson can't stop smiling and we are just the happiest people on the planet right now.

After seeing our sweet baby,

we are actually realizing that we are

HAVING A BABY!!

I'm already so in love with her and can't wait to cuddle her!

When the time is right...

I have a really good friend.

We met through blogging.

I feel like we've become pretty good friends

especially since we both got married about a month apart.

I'm sure most of you know her or at least her blog.

I've mentioned it before.

Stefanie.

Yesterday she made a post that really affected me.

Please read it before continuing to read this.

I can honestly say I never experienced this desire so strongly.

Granted,

after Avery was born,

I couldn't wait for the day that I could get married and have Children.

But I think after I got my job at the hospital,

that feeling was greatly 'watered down'.

It was still there, just not as strongly.

I think mostly because when I felt like I wanted a baby,

I would just go cuddle one of the babies in the nursery and get my fix for the day.

(I hope that doesn't sound wrong or offensive. I don't know how to explain it any other way. I pretty much just needed to at least cuddle a tiny body in my arms, feed them or change their diaper. After that the intense urge/pain simmered) 

This wasn't because I remembered how hard it would be, but because I was able to do just a small amount of what a mother does. Which is what I so badly wanted/want to be.

So,

I did feel this pain to a degree, but I never experienced being married and wanting a baby SO BADLY, but knowing it wasn't the right time.

I haven't told very many people what I'm about to say.

I have told very very few,

but after Stefanie's post, I've decided that I want to share it.

This is why I KNOW that even though it has happened very quickly,

I know that this baby is supposed to come right now.

I KNOW that this pregnancy was no "accident".

A couple of weeks after getting married,

Tyson and I went to the temple.

We went because we wanted to specifically pray about a concern of ours.

We weren't sure what to do as far as housing and most importantly,

his job. I'll leave it at that. It was just something we were stressing about immensely.

While sitting in Celestial room,

we both started praying, pondering and asking about this issue we had.

About five minutes later,

I just couldn't figure out why, no matter what,

I could only think about one thing.

Starting a family.

I thought that maybe, it was just because it's me

(and everyone knows how I feel about wanting to be a mother.)

SO,

I leaned over to Tyson and whispered

"What do you think?"

After sitting there for a few seconds,

her turned to me and whispered

"I don't think we should wait until we're 'ready' to have kids."

keep in mind,

that this was the FARTHEST thing from our minds when we entered the Temple.

I was suprised by his answer because it was EXACTLY what was going through my mind.

On the drive home,

our conversation consisted of one thing

Starting a family.

My concern kept turning to what other people would think.

Yes, I know. That shouldn't matter.

But I worried that we would be seen as irresponsible,

or that people would think I talked Tyson into it because I wanted to "replace" Avery.

It sounds ridiculous,

but sure enough, some have already said this to me.

When I would say this to Tyson, he would say what is so obvious

"who cares?"

He was right.

It's our decision. WE are the only two people that can receive an answer for our family.

When we were almost home,

we decided that yes,

we shouldn't stress so much about birth control or anything.

Two weeks later,

I found out I was pregnant.

I STRONGLY believe that the Lord was preparing us for this moment.

He was telling us that our family needed to start.

This child needs to come now.

I know that because of that experience in the Temple,

I was prepared to see the positive pregnancy test.

That experience helped me to know that we will be able to provide for this baby now.

It helped calm my nerves.

That doesn't mean that I never stress, it just means that I know the Lord will provide a way for us to have what we need to raise this baby.

So,

Stefanie,

although I know that you're aching so immensely to have a baby,

just know that the Lord will tell you when the time is right.

and when the time finally IS,

you will be so happy you waited until you were an eternal family.

I just know it.

and I cannot wait for that day to come for you.

2??

Little Avery Leigh is 2 years old today.

(this is probably one of my most scatterbrained posts yet...bear with me. It's exactly how I feel today!)

I've been thinking about what to do for a post all day long,

but couldn't think of anything.

It's hard to explain how I feel about it this year!

Avery two years ago..

Avery Now...

wow.

I had work today.

Since I work at the hospital she was born in,

all I could think about was the events leading to her birth.

It doesn't seem like all of that was two years ago.  at all.

This year is also a lot different than last year.

Last year was a lot more difficult.

It was hard for many reasons. I cried of not only remembering her birth,

but also of saddness.  I missed her. It was hard.

But this year,

the emotions are different.

I've never once even been sad because I miss her, or because I'm not her mother,

I've only shed tears when thinking about her birth.

It was such an incredibely spiritual time for me.

The Spirit comes back so strongly whenever I think about it.

and this year,

I'm pregnant again.

Tyson and I are Celebrating with her and her family tonight.

words don't describe how grateful I am to Dustin and Andrea for allowing me this.

It's been such an incredible blessing to watch her grow up,

and I don't think I would feel as peaceful and confident about all of this if it wasn't for them allowing me this open adoption. I love them!

I decided that for her 2nd birthday post,

I'm going to post this when she is EXACTLY two years old.

By the minute.

She was born at 5:17.

1717 in military time.

(WHICH,

by the way,

the numbers 7 and 17 have been my lucky numbers since I was 13 years old.

Avery was born at 1717 and our hospital bands,

which had to have matching numbers,

were 7777. :))

Avery is a miracle.

She saved my life.

She's a blessing to so many.

I love her so much.

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY SWEET ANGEL!!

I love you!!

Being a grown up

So I guess,

Since I'm [supposed to be] a grown up now,

I have apparantly,

subconsciously of course,

placed blogging in the 'non-grown up' category.

I'm totally SLACKING in this area.

I love blogging,

but sometimes,

it's a huge pain!!

One reason,

because whenever I read someone else's blog I think to myself,

"how do they make their blog so cute? I want that."

and then I become discouraged.

haha, but lusting is bad.

So I will work on that :S

Here is an update on married life:

We are still trying to qualify for a house we found.

It's taking a while because,

since Tyson pretty much changed his entire identity,

he has absolutely no credit.

Which means,

we have to find a lender that is willing to just go off of my credit.

Which is kinda difficult if you've ever bought a house before.

BUT,

since we could no longer tolerate the HORRIBLE management at farmgate/timbergate apartments in Herriman Utah (i'm telling you the name of the apartment complex as a warning. do NOT consider living there. They are horrible),

hahaha..but seriously.

My wonderful parents,

have agreed to let us stay in the mother-in-law apartment in their basement until we can qualify for that house/find another apartment if we cannot qualify.

So,

this weekend we moved in.

We're hoping to get in to a house quickly, but you never know!

Which is another reason we moved in with my parents instead of getting another apartment.

We don't know how long it will take and we don't want to sign any contracts.

We also got our pictures back from our wedding.

If you're friends with me on facebook,

they're all there.

If not,

I posted a few here.

LOVE this picture. He is one years old and going to be an uncle just a month after turning two!!

Need a flower lady? Mine was completely AMAZING!

My beautiful Flower Girl

LOVEDDD our cake!!! I've got her number too!

Yes we did jump in the pool!!

 Sorry such a short random post!

I have to work tomorrow and it's late :)

October.

This time of month brings back so many memories and emotions.

Everytime I go outside,

I am reminded of two years ago...

When Avery was almost born.

I am overcome with such a peaceful, quiet, sacred feeling everytime I feel the cool air hit my face.

I want to cry when I smell the crisp fall weather settling in.

The way I felt at this time two years ago,

is unexplainable. 

I will not ever be able to find the right words for it.

The Spirit was with me so strongly.

The things that happened during the month of October two years ago were the most sacred, spiritual, hardest things in my life.

It proved to me how strong I can be when I have to be.

It proved to me how much the Lord loves me.

It proved to me that with the Lords help, I can honestly do anything.

When the weather starts to change from summer to fall,

I feel it almost immediately.

The peaceful feeling I had with me during October of 2008,

 is brought back whenever I walk outside and I just want to sit outside, close my eyes and remember it all. 

Last year,

this feeling was hard for me.

Even though it was a peaceful feeling,

all I could think about was what a difficult time it was.

My heart still ached tremendously.

Now,

it's a different feeling.

I want to, and sometimes do, cry when I feel the cool fall air on my face, 

but it's not of pain.

It's of peace.

It's of amazement.

It's of LOVE.

COMPLETE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

This year,

I am pregnant again.

BUT,

Instead of the end of my pregnancy this month,

I'm at the beginning,

and

Instead of carrying someone else's child,

I am carrying MINE.

MY CHILD.

Although I believe that hormones have a lot to do with crying so easily this month,

I don't think it's JUST hormones.

This month will always be the most life changing month of my life.

October is always a month I look at with such peace.

My best friend passed away this month,

and I placed the one person I loved more than anything,

with another family.

It's something I will always always remember this way.

whenever the weather changes to fall,

I don't think I will ever look at again as I did before 2008.

I blame Nuva Ring!! :)

This post is officially life changing.

This post may also be a little TMI for some,

but I have to include it all so that it's understandable.

So,

let's go back to about June of this year.

I had been to my Doctor appointment and we had decided on the Nuva Ring for birth control,

and

I started it just a couple of weeks later.

At the beginning of August,

I took it out for my period,

and

a week later,

I replaced it with another one.

That week I began spotting.

That spotting turned in to bleeding.

That bleeding turned into..bleeding harder than even a normal period.

So,

I began freaking out and called the Doctor on Call.

He told me to take out the nuva ring and he would call in something to stop the bleeding.

Well,

I went to take out the Nuva ring...and it wasn't there.

SO,

I called the Doctor back and he told me to make an appointment with my doctor as soon as I could.

When I went to the Doctor,

he told me that it probably fell out with the bleeding.

HOW WOULD I NOT NOTICE THAT!?!?

Anyway,

at this point,

it's a week before the wedding...

I discussed my options with the Doctor and he said that because it was so close, nothing would be very effective.

SO,

we decided that we would just use Condoms until I started my period again.

THEN,

I would try the Nuva Ring again.

SO,

for the first month of our marriage,

we were going to use Condoms.

YEAH RIGHT!!

a whole month?

who were we kidding?

haha.

So,

we pretty much decided to risk it for a month.

Well,

Yesterday morning,

before I went to work,

I took a pregnancy test.

Here was the result:

My reaction was not how I expected it to be.

I started smiling and I couldn't stop!

(I was expecting more of a HOLY CRAP THAT WAS FAST reaction ;))

It was 5:30 in the morning,

but I didn't care.

I ran in to Tyson and and woke him up and made him see it for himself.

After that,

I couldn't stay with him.

I had to go to work!!

The whole day at work was crazy!

I couldn't concentrate and all I could think of was how we were going to tell our parents!

After much help from my co-workers,

we decided to give them a bouquet of flowers, with a card with baby footprints on them,

saying congratulations Grandma and Grandpa!

and then the pregnancy test.

It worked out pretty well!!

We recorded it,

but for some reason, my computer won't accept the memory card it's on.

Hopefully I'll figure it out eventually.

So,

The point of the story,

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!!

Can you believe it??

We hardly can!!

According to the 'due date finder' or whatever it's called,

(I got it as a gift when I was pregnant with Avery,)

We are due May 30th!

I honestly don't think it's hit me yet.

We found out we were pregnant on our one month anniversary....!!!

CRAZY BUSY!

I have completely abandoned my blog lately.

I have hardly had any time so, my apologies!! :D

So we've been married for almost a month

and it only feels like a week!!

We have been so incredibely blessed through all of this and I really don't know how I'm going to thank everyone.

We weren't sure how we were going to afford everything we needed for our house,

but after the wedding we discovered that we didn't need to purchase ANYTHING that we needed.

It's amazing how generous people are and I am SO GRATEFUL!

We are currently looking for a house.

Right now we're living in an apartment,

and feel like we're just throwing our money away!

So we'll see how this all plays out.

I will update soon with pictures from the wedding!