20 weeks

HALF WAY!!

Yeah,

that's crazy.

I feel like it's taken forever,

but at the same time...

thinking that I only have that same amount of time to go...

seems like it's come really fast!!

We are all ready to meet our little girl,

but then again...we are SOOOO not ready!!

haha

We still need to get into our house,

set up the nursery,

and finish buying all of the stuff we need for her!

Good thing we still have 20 weeks right??

Slowly but surely things are moving along with this house.

Once we get in,

I feel like we are going to have to hit the ground running to prepare for her.

I gotta say,

I don't think I stress more in my life than I do when I'm pregnant.

Maybe it's just the hormones...

but seriously.

I feel like everything is like...WAY worse than it is.

I'm hoping that is normal!

My Aunt MJ told me that fish oil pills or whatever those are...

are supposed to help calm you down a little.

I'm going out with her on Monday and she's going to bring me some.

I'm hoping those work!

I seriously feel so stressed out ALL OF THE TIME!!

It's starting to really make me forget about everything that is working out RIGHT...

because I'm focusing so much on all of the negative.

I hate it.

But at least I'm recognizing it right?

....I think?

haha

Things are going really well for us actually...it's just a lot at once!

Protected

Today while at work,

I received a call from Ernesto,

15 minutes before I was supposed to get off work.

Here is about how the conversation went down:

Him: "Hey, I'm probably not going to be getting off work on time tonight."

Me: "Why?"

Him: "because, there was an explosion in one of the apartment complex's. The one that we just left 15 minutes ago."

[he does maitenance at apartments...he also had nothing to do with this explosion. He was painting some walls in an empty unit when he was there]

Me: "What!? how!?"

Him: "I don't know what happened, but people got hurt. I saw a little kid run out with his flesh burned off"

Me: "oh my gosh!"

Him: "yeah I have to go. it's crazy here, but I love you. I'll talk to you later"

I was freaking out at this point and I had a hard time focusing on my job.

I almost started crying on the drive home.

Especially because I couldn't get ahold of anyone in my family.

When Ernesto finally called me back,

He explained to me that they think there might have been a gas leak, but they weren't sure about the cause.

He said that there were a couple people life flighted to the hospital and that there were only a couple of units that had been affected.

I calmed down a little after that.

I can't believe how lucky Ernesto was.

If he hadn't left the apartment when he did,

he could have been injured.

If he had gone BACK like he had been planning to,

He could have been injured.

I know that wasn't just coincedence.

I know he was being protected.

I know that the Lord watches over us.

That is proof.

Please pray for that mother and her son that were taken to the hospital.
I can't even imagine.

I just had to let off some of my thoughts.

That is all :)

**UPDATE: they found the reason for the fire. The little boy was playing with matches while his mom was asleep. The explosion was probably from all of the pressure.**

I'm slow...I know

Sorry ...I know I take forever to blog lately.

LIFE IS BUSY!!

Okay,

So we're getting married August 20th.

We seriously considered waiting until next summer...but then I decided that's stupid.
I don't want this extravagant wedding.

I just want to get it over with.

I HATE planning weddings.

They're WAY too stressful thanks :)

Then we thought maybe we'd wait until like October or November.

That's about as long as I think engagements should be.

But,

I don't want it to be cold!

August is the warmest month here in Utah.

I want a backyard reception.

So,

we're doing it in August.

for the right reasons.

If he had come home from his mission in January,

The wedding would have STILL been in the summer.

July or August.

Just so you all know.

We're getting married in the Salt Lake temple.

That is also something that took us a while to decide on.

It was originally Oquirrh Mountin Temple...

But my whole life I've imagined myself getting married in the Salt lake Temple.

and Ernesto doesn't care either way.

So we changed it :)

I'm Just SOO thankful that we CAN get married in the Temple.

It's a goal that I've had since I was a little girl.

That will NOT change.

It's important to us both and it will stay that way!

I know a lot have asked for a picture of us.

I put one up a couple of posts before...but none of you knew that was him!!

So,

I'll add some others.

We tried playing in the rain a couple of days ago.

That's what these are from.

(Sorry...this one is kinda blurry)

To be 4 again.

I've been having a difficult time lately.

Not with the Adoption though.

In fact,

I've never been better when it comes to the Adoption.

Just as far as life and where mine is going.

I have a hard time seeing my future sometimes.

I can't see past right now.

I don't know where life is going to take me and that scares me sometimes.

Yeah I'm going to school and working.

but that's boring and I don't really want to be doing that for the rest of my life.

I don't want to do any career for the rest of my life.

The only thing I WANT to do is be a wife and mother.

(I don't care how hard it is. To be either one.)

but there is no guarantee that will happen.

So it's hard for me to move on with school and stuff when I don't really want to do that forever.

I've been really thinking about this lately.

It's not like I'm not TRYING to accomplish my goal to be a wife and mother.

I am dating.

I go out on dates.

I just haven't really dated anyone that I am really interested in enough to keep dating.

I'm not picky.

I just have requirements for my future husband.

and it's really hard to date when the guys I date don't fit those requirements...

it seems the only people I attract are opposite of what I want.

It's really depressing.

Anyway,

I'm going off on a tangent now.

This morning, I was sitting around being lazy (I love the days I can do that)

and I was watching cartoons with my little brother Joey and friend Krista's Son, Nate.

Joey got up and asked me if he could go to his friend Gage's house across the street.

I said yes and told him to watch for cars.

He threw on his shoes and Jacket and ran out the door into the snowy weather.

After the door closed,

I went over to the window to watch him cross the street to make sure he did watch for cars and that he got there safe.

When he got to the curb of our street, he stopped looked both ways for cars and then stood there for about two minutes.

I was wondering what he was doing, when he looked up into the sky, letting the huge snowflakes fall on his face.  I watched him as he sat there for a good minute, then looked both ways again and ran across the street.

I sat down in the chair in our living room, still watching him out the window and started thinking about my life and all of the stresses that come with it. I was on the verge of tears when, after there was no answer from Gage's house, Joey again walked to the end of their driveway to the curb, looked up at the sky, put his arms out and started spinning around in circles, obviously enjoying this weather.

That 4 year old boy enjoys life so much. 

He was enjoying this weather and dancing in the (what I see as dreadful) snow. 

He didn't have a worry in the world and you could see that as he spun around. 

I had to take a picture of him when he got back inside.

My dad calls Joey Tigger.

The boy doesn't just walk, he bounces when he walks, or skips.

He is such a happy kid.

One day my dad asked Joey "If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?"

Joey looked at him for a second and then answered with complete confidence, "Joey."

This kid teaches me so much.

I know I need to enjoy life.

It would be so nice not to have a stress in the world.

It would be nice if I could answer "Andee" when someone asked me who I would be if I could be anyone in the world.

I'm not very confident and I think that is a huge problem.

I am going to start trying...as hard as possible, to enjoy life like my little brother does.

I won't let my future haunt me.

I will live in the present and hopefully,

one day,

I WILL find my prince charming.

I WILL marry for eternity in the temple

and I WILL in fact, one day, be a mother.

I know I'm only 20.

But that doesn't mean my future is easy to see.

...

I'm a very stubborn person.

When something upsets me and I'm in a stressful moment of my life...

I don't give in easily.

especially when someone TELLS me to do it.

like,

forgive someone.

and it was definitely hard for me to get over the comment from "Anonymous".

In all reality,

it wasn't even that bad.

I over reacted.

but,

I was hurt nonetheless.

Unfortunately,

that comes with having a blog. Especially one like this.

I need to accept that and learn to respond more...appropriately.

I was feeling really guilty the other day, driving home from work and had decided I was going to make a post to apologize for the way I reacted.

Then,

I got home and read this:

Anonymous said...

Lechelle thank you for your point of view. I very much understand what you are saying. I would like to apologize to the original blog owner/poster for the previous comments I made. I didn't mean for them to be as offensive as they came off. I think I may have taken some of the context the wrong way. I don't think adoption is a negative, selfish or easy thing to do at all. I was just offended by the thought that someone would suggest it was easier than parenting a child. Anyway I will leave it at that as what I say seems to rub a lot of people on this blog the wrong way. :/

After reading this,

I felt even more guilty.

So,

here's my sincere apology for the way I acted to everyone... including anonymous.

I need to accept the fact that not everyone will agree.

I should have responded better than I did.

So,

I'm sorry. I will definitely work on not blogging when I'm angry!!

When it rains, it pours, and then...

SO,

this has been a very crappy week.

(and it's only Tuesday!!)

VERY.

I have had the worst car trouble.

seriously.

Let's just say,

the car I was driving, has died.

When I say died,

I mean it broke down at a stop light in the middle of the road.

and I was freaking out and scared and by some miracle, it moved just barely in order for me to get it to the side of the road.

The clutch went out.

That was the car I was driving.

The car that is currently under my name,

that I have a loan under,

has been kidnapped/stolen.

It's a long story though and I really don't want to go into it

(mostly because I would be really negative and mean about the suspect...and I don't want to go there...she was a 'friend' of my moms.)

anyway,

I am currently hitching rides from my parents and others.

sounds pathetic right?

it is.

Okay so back to the point of this post--

I was on the verge of tears tonight after work.

I had gotten a ride home from my parents (who had just been out searching for my stolen car :'( )

I was realizing that I don't know WHEN I will get my car back

and

I was realizing that I will not be going out this weekend.

all the while knowing that I can't just go get another car, because I already have a LOAN under my name.

I was pretty upset.

I was on the verge of tears,

when I got on my computer. (which is also breaking down...not sure how much longer it's going to work).

It all seemed to happen at once

I had emails, facebook wall posts/messages and all together just a lot of good things from people I love.

Then I started realizing what GOOD things have happened this week.

I passed my math class.

I wasn't cancelled from work.

I was blessed to have the most AMAZING family become a part of my life through adoption.

(seriously. I'm not kidding. I'm SO lucky)

((well, that didn't just happen this week, but they have all done things (even Avery's Aunts, and Grandma) this week that have helped tremendously with my mood/sanity))

So,

even though I'm stranded,
and have to use my parents and their cars, (and I'm 20. yes, 20. pathetic)

and even though my credit is in the hands of someone that could care less,

I'm blessed.

and that's really all the matters.

Now excuse me while my little sister and I go rent a chick flick and eat a gallon of ice cream.

She had a bad day too...and even though we're both blessed, Ice cream and a chick flick won't hurt. ;)

(apart from the weight gain. Don't worry, we are aware of this...!)

FINALS!!

I have my last final on Monday!!

then,

hopefully,

I won't be such a slacker with blogging!!

It's my math final.

I'm super nervous.

Let's hope I pass!!!

P.S.

I want to just say,

Carrie Underwoods new CD is amazing.

(play on)

I love it!

If you haven't heard it yet,

I highly recommend you get it. 

now. :)

She is amazing!

Film and Culture

My goal this semester has been to get a 4.0.

I have been taking only 3 classes this Semester (11 Credits)

(not including Insititute)

so It wouldn't be that hard.

Well,

One of those classes are Film and Culture.

It is a Humanities credit.

Here is a little how the first day of class went:

I walked in, looked over and noticed my teacher was a girl

(which kind of caught me off guard since the name on the schedule was a mans name)

When I was about to sit down this teacher started talking.

It was at the moment that I realized this was not a girl.

It was a man.

A transvestite.

I looked around at everyone in the class trying to figure out if I was the only one shocked by this discovery and somewhat nauseas. 

I did notice a few big eyes but nothing as shocking as I felt.

Then we started going over the Syllabus.

The teacher went on to explain that most of the movies we would be watching in this class were going to be rated R and that if anyone was uncomfortable with that, they should drop out now.

If we missed class, our grade would drop half a grade.

I remember sitting there arguing with myself.

I KNEW that I should probably drop out.

Here was my way of rationalizing myself into staying in the class.
and that's exactly what happened.

"There are no other humanities classes that I can take that aren't filled. I need to get this over with.  The movies won't be that bad since they all pertain to culture. It's for class so watching a rated R movie won't go against my values."

yeah I know. Pathetic.

After choosing to stay,

we have watched movie after movie that made me physically sick almost every time.

I managed to get through the movies that were rated R mainly because of the language

(which still bothered me).

I did NOT however, appreciate the movies about homosexuality.

It was just promoting homosexuality, and bringing the Church into it.

I have already missed class one time.

(because I forgot about class due to my busy schedule and I was kicking myself for it all day afterwards.)

So there went my 4.0

I would have an A- in that class, but it was close enough.

But today,

When I went to class.

The teacher announced the movie, which was a film about Christ.

We have already watched one movie about Christ that brought probably the worst feeling to me that I have EVER felt and I will NOT allow that feeling again.

I have a testimony of this Gospel.

I have a testimony of Christ and what He did for us.

So when we were sent to get food before the movie I started feeling very emotional.

I wasn't sure why.

I called my mom and asked her if she had any information about this movie and if she thought it would be okay to see.

My mom looked up the reviews and tried to decide with me on whether or not I should stay to see it.

I was praying silently while I talked to her for an answer to what I should do.

While she was looking it up I had this really strong emotion come over me and I started crying.

I started to realize that the only reason I wanted to stay was because of my grade. That was it.

The reasons I would leave was because of my Testimony of the Gospel.

If this movie was going to be anything like the last one we watched, I didn't even want a HINT of that horrible feeling I felt.  I told my mom I didn't think I was going to stay and I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why I just couldn't stop crying.

I was emotional all the way home because I was so angry with myself for taking this class.

When I got home,

my emotion left.  I prayed that if I had made the right decision not to go, then to help me forget about that class for the next couple of hours that I was supposed to be in class.

and that's exactly what happened.

I made the wrong decision to take this class.

I should have just dropped out.

I knew that taking it was the wrong decision, but I was doing it because I needed a Humanities credit NOW for some reason.

I'm embarrased to say I even allowed myself to watch some of the things I saw in that classroom.

It opened my eyes to how scary this world is.

Although the homosexuality video angered me and I would have been better off NOT seeing it,

the other movie about Christ angered me more.  The feeling it brought was one I have never felt before and one I will NOT let myself ever feel again.

Grief

WHY I TOOK A BREAK.
(part 2)

and fair warning:

THIS POST REALLY IS LONG THIS TIME!!!

I am a birthmom.
Other birthmoms may read this blog.
I feel almost an obligation to tell of the pain I have experienced so that they can see both the good AND the bad of placing.

It would not be fair to only tell of the good.
So here I go:

It took a few months for me to really get through the difficult grieving process after placing Avery.

Until around the time that I started this blog,
I was really struggling.

This blog helped me to heal.
Writing my feeling and emotions down has been SO incredibely theraputic

and
Since creating this blog,
I have (all in all) been doing very well.

The sad, hard days came less and less and I really felt as if I could live my life.
I felt like even though I still felt that loss,(which I always will)
I could live my life.

However,
The past few weeks have not been so easy.

It has been really hard for me to understand why I have all of the sudden felt like I am back at square one.

After realizing that Averys first birthday and the One Year Anniversary of Keltsons death are approaching,

I came to the conclusion that that's why I am having such a difficult time.

I met with a case worker at LDSFS last week.
This is the first time I have needed to do this in literally months.

I was there for TWO hours
and when I was getting ready to leave,
she gave me a packet that went into detail about GRIEF.

I am going to break this post up into seperate posts.
(hopefully this will be the longer of the two.)
I will talk about one thing in each post.

This time, I am going to focus on Grief and Loss.

I really hope this doesn't just turn into a bunch of
words..if nothing else, read the myths about grief and the quote at the end.
Those two are the best.

I really think sharing this packet will help me explain the feelings I have felt.
It will help get my point across and I think it will help others understand it a little better as well.

Grief is:

- A normal, natural response to any loss

- A complex emotion

- Individual

-A process

Grief Involves:
- A wide variety of emotions

Grief affects all parts of us
- emotionally
- physically
- socially
- spiritually
- intellectually

Part One of Grief:
GRIEF AND LOSS

First I will talk about the 6 stages of Grief.
For me, I feel like I go through every stage like 10 times before I finally reach acceptance.
I did this before and now I feel like I'm doing it all over again, 1 year later.
This is for the people that see me and deal with me and my emotions.

1. Denial and shock
   The first phase of grief is described as unreal feeling: like being "spacy or in a "a fog," like there is a dream going on and you are watching. You usually feel numb, managing to do what you must do, but acting by rote or instinct. You're not really "into" anything at first; you're emotionally flat or tearful. You may have no appetite, there are knots in your stomach, and you are tired. This is the stage where people facing a loss are described as, "It hasn't really hit her yet."
   
   (This is the shortest stage for me. I mostly just feel like I am in a dream and I am super tired. But the tiredness lasts throughout the whole thing.)
   
   
2. Sadness and Depression
   Intellectually you know what has happened, but on a deeper level you don't want to believe it. It is hard to imagine you had a baby and now your child is with someone else. You may wander around from place to place searching for your baby in a crowd. You may have requested lots of pictures, or, the opposite - you may refuse all pictures, keepsakes, and avoid baby departments in stores or being around other infants. For most birth mothers, keeping a few treasured photos and keepsakes is an affirmation of love, not denial. A flurry of activity, overworking, or constant socializing may be an attempt to keep so busy that you don't have time to think about your baby. Denial can seem to cover up the pain, and become addictive if denial persists.
   
   (This is usually the time when I keep to myself. I try not to let anyone know what I'm feeling and I just want to be by myself. I want to deal with it alone, because this isn't anyone else's problem but mine. The bolded parts are the biggest parts for me personally during this time.)
   




3. Anger
   When you're angry, you usually focus on somebody else - your boyfriend/the birthfather, your mom, your doctor, God, your baby's adoptive parents, and/or your counselor. It is important to recognize that most of your anger is part of your grief, though some of those people may deserve some of the anger. Minor, insensitive comments by others may cause an over reactive emotional outburst on your part. Anger needs to be expressed: talking, private yelling, exercising, punching pillows, etc. can be helpful. Some women have trouble expressing anger, feeling it's unlady-like. Nonesense, get it out. However, prolonged or destructive anger needs professional attention, as in the beginning of criminal, delinquent, or physically abusive behavior from bottled-up anger and frustration
   
   (This is the time that I outwardly express my grief. It was at this point this time that I decided to take a break from blogland. I had just gotten in a horrible fight with my parents (due to over reaction as explained above) and I needed a time out. This is probably one that lasts the longest for me and can sometimes remain throughout the rest of the steps until I FINALLY reach Acceptance. As far as blaming the adoptive family, I have not had any reason too so even if I tried to find a reason, there would be none. If anything, they were helpful. This time Andrea made me feel so much better. After visiting with her and Avery a couple of weeks ago, I felt SO much better than I had before.)
   
   
4. Fear and Bargaining with God
   You may torture yourself for a while with "if only's." feelings of guilt and regret over your decision are common. Whenever we make a major life decision of an kind (leaving home, quittng school, getting or changing jobs, deciding on major surgery, putting an elderly parent in a nursing home, buying a major purchase, etc.) we usually wonder, "what if" and question our decision and/or feel some guilt. You might try to bargin with the Lord to help you win the lottery, so you can kep your baby, donate money to a good cause, or promise to go to church every Sunday. Some birth mothers feel guilty because other people think that they should feel worse than they do, when actually they feel mostly at peace with their decision. This could cause a birth mother to feel guilty,thinking there is somehing wrong with her. Sometimes there is bargaining to try to get your baby back when it is too late.
   
   (As far a dealing with this right now, I have mostly only felt guilt. I haven't dealt with this one as much this time,(probably because I'm still on this step maybe?) but as far as LAST YEAR, the bolded sentences are PERFECT as to how I felt. But, even through all of this pain and grief, I have never ACTUALLY regret my decision. I have wished I could be her mom and wished that I had her now for selfish reasons, but I have never regret my decision. Not once.)
   
   
5. Resistance and Depression
   When the numbness wears off, and you can longer deny your loss, your raging has quieted down, and you've anguished through all of your "if only's" and "what if's" depression hits quietly. It is like thumping against a wall of reality - - experiencing the pain and tears. You may feel listless, tired, not hungry, have sleep disturbnces, feel uninterested, and hopeless. Depression, however isn't all bad. It gives you a second wind. After you've spent a lot of energy denying, bargaining, raging, and feeling guily about being angry you're not tired. You're at the bottom. There is nowhere to go except up, to acceptance.
   
   (I think that I tend to go back and fort between this and anger the most. I experience each of these many times before I reach acceptance but I think that this and anger are the longest and hardest for me to get through and also the two that I go back and forth between the most. I think though, that this one is the most depressing and most definitely the hardest one for me to get through.)
   




6. Acceptance
   During this stage of grief, you will gain energy and interest. You will remember your baby, but it will be less painful and there will often be warm memories that bring a smile. You can find ways for those memories to enrich your life. Sorrow doesn't last forever, but love does.
   
   (Although this stage takes the absolte longest to get to, once I get here I don't go back for a very long time. Once I make it to this stage I can live my life. I was at this stage for MONTHS last time and hopefully next time, it will be even longer.)

I know this is long and I am sorry,
but I just wanted to talk about a couple more things that may help others understand the grieving process of us birthmoms.

-- Intense grieving, with many ups and downs, may be expect to last 18 months to two years.
-- Crying is an acceptable and healthy expresson of grief which releases build up tensions; cry as you feel the need.
-- Consider whatever you do to be NORMAL for you. Don't be afriad of bizarre delusions (such as phatom crying or aching arms.) All of this is part of normal grief.
-- Whenever possible, put off major decisions for at least one year.
-- Learn to let others know how you feel and how you are working out your grief so they can be supportive (Something I should probably work on)
-- The anniversary of the baby's birth can be a stressful time. Be good to yourself and allow yourself some emotional space and special time for grieving.

Lastly,

Myths about grief
* All losses are the same.
* It takes two months to get over your grief.
* All bereaved people grieve in the same way.
* Grief always declines over time and in a steadily decreasing way.
* When grief is resolved it never comes up again.
* Family members will always help those in grief
* Children grieve like adults
* Feeling sorry for yourself is not allowed
* It is better to put painful things out of your mind.
* You should not think about your child at the holidays because it will make you feel sad.
* Those in grief only need to express their feelings to resolve their grief.
* Expressing feelings that are intense is the same as losing control
* Only sick individuals have physical problems in grief.
* If you feel crazy, you are going crazy
* Adoption shouldn't be too dificult to resolve because you didn't know the child well.

ALL of these myths have caused me frustration at one point or another.
none of that is true and needs to be taken into account by all that are dealing with adoption.

I just want to end with this:

Will Grief End?

Grief work will someday be completed. It
really will go away, but sadness will always remain. You will know the grief is
over when you don't feel any strong intense anguish or pain, when you are
reminded of the person, and when you can turn the investment of emotional energy
toward someone or something else. Healing usually occurs more rapidly after the
first anniversary of the loss. When you can look with tenderness, with memories
of pleasure, you will be turning loose, but the empty places where that person
stood in your life will always be a part of your
history

I just love every part of that saying.
Every. Single. Part.

The biggest Loser.

Okay here's the deal.

My mom, dad, sisters and I are all having a biggest loser contest.
Who ever loses the most weight, get's $60
(money that we all contributed).

It goes until November.

We have been doing this for about a week and a half now.

Last week,
I lost four pounds.
I hadn't had a 'dieting' plan set up because I was SOO busy last week,
but I hardly had time to eat.

I was very surprised that I had lost so much though..

THIS week,
I HAVE been strictly dieting.
Let me tell you something...I am NOT a fan of it.
I have been SUPER grumpy,
very emotional (for good reason though..I think they are very legitimate reasons)
and
REALLY tired all week.

So....
if I don't post for a couple weeks...
it may be because

1. I'm grumpy and don't want to let it show when I blog
2. I'm sleeping
or
3. I'm just really busy...school DOES start this week you know..
haha.

Right now I am currently in a good mood, because I quit dieting today.
I was having a really bad day and at about 5 o'clock..I couldn't take it anymore...so I got some food in my stomach to help change my mood..

Thank Heaven for wonderful parents.
They make me feel SOO much better when I have my emotional breakdowns...

NOW,
on to another 3 months of dieting...

P.S.

I took that birthmom to the Airport today.

She flew back home and there is a 99.9% chance I will never see her again.

I have come to love that girl.

It's hard for me to see HER leave...

I think that may have been a reason for my emotions today...

I think that is going to be one of the hardest things about this job.

Sometimes...

It's hard to put how I feel in
words.

so many emotions and feelings..yet so
little words that can express any of them.

Well...

I guess I forgot to mention this...

but I am no longer going back to Utah State.

LONG story and you don't want to hear it.

trust me.

SO I'm going to Salt Lake Community College instead.

because of this I am a little sad.

My best friend Keara is going to China along with Chelsey.

My other best friend Terri is married.

Brittany, Mandy, Megan, Elicia and all of the rest of my friends are up at Logan.

This is really not the best thing ever.

I've been having a really hard time with this.

Especially with Keara leaving.

Thank heaven for Skype.

I haven't really posted very much lately because I don't want to be a horrible pessimist all of the time when I blog and I don't have much good to say.

So sorry about that!

My Case Manager job is going well..so that's good.

Changing my ways of thinking.

So,
for the past couple of days I have been making posts and deleting them over and over again.
I have had so much on my mind and I have not been sure how to put it in words.

So please bear with me as I try my hardest to make this post make sense.

I read Mrs. R's blog today.

THIS post was so amazingly perfect for me.
I can't even explain how much I needed it at this very moment in my life.

In this post,
she had this video:

this video was like a punch in the face for me.

I need to change my ways of thinking.

I need to change how I am dealing with the three issues I have been faced with lately.

let me point out some of the words in this video that hit me SO hard:

"In your life, there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take."

"Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul.

"God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us -- everything will fall into place."

"When you cannot love someone, look into that persons eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him."

"If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again."

"Avoid at all costs any pessimistic, negative or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm."

"Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words"

"When you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better."

Every single one of these words performed miracles on me today.

I am so grateful that Mrs. R made that post.

I feel like I have a new mindset now.

A ticket? me?

WARNING: THIS IS KIND OF A LONG POST...

I would like to tell a story. Well, a few stories actually.

It's about my many (WAY to many for my own good) experiences with cops and being pulled over.

You see,

I'm a pretty good driver when I want to be.

But there ARE those occasions where tend to I get a little lazy and don't QUITE follow the rules of the road. (Don't talk to MANDY about this though...she would say differently..)

Let me start with experience #1:

It was the year 2006 and a dark saturday night. I was in a very bad mood as I was tired, 17 years old, and it wasn't the best time of the month for me. My mom had asked me to take my little sister and her friend to the store because she was teaching the lesson in young womens the next day and she wanted to get treats.

I was oh so reluctant, but because my mom let me take her car, I agreed.

I drove the 10 minute drive to the Smiths in Herriman and I waited in the car while they ran in. I didn't want to be there and quite frankly I couldn't wait to go to bed. So the second Emilee and her friend got back into the car, I was off for home. As I was driving down the long stretch of road, my eyes focused on the car about 100 yards ahead of me. "I'm going to catch up to that car" I thought and I pressed my foot on the gas just a little harder. With satisfaction I watched as I was approaching the car. The satisfaction quickly turned to horror as I noticed a cop sitting quietly in the field to the right of me,with all of his lights off. I quickly slammed on my breaks in panic. mistake. I hit the breaks wayyy too hard and the tires screeched causing the car to jolt to almost a complete stop.

My heart was racing as I watched the cops headlights flip on. "NO!!" I yelled as my sister and her friend sat in complete silence in the back, their faces filled with complete horror. "PLEASE don't pull me over!" I cried as he pulled onto the road. When I saw the red and blue lights turn on, the panic I was feeling became 100 times stronger. This was the very first time I was being pulled over and I was NOT handling it very well. I began to cry.

I opened the glove box and searched frantically for whatever it was I was supposed to give this cop. When he appeared at the window, flashlight in hand, he began lecturing me. I don't remember what exactly it was that he said because I was in too much of a panic. "I don't know what you need!" I choked out. I showed him paper after paper until FINALLY he was able to show me JUST what my registration and proof of insurance looked like. I placed my license on top of it and gave it to him. "Please don't give me a ticket!" I begged. "I don't have the money. This is my first time getting pulled over and I really am so sorry." I was throwing out all the words I could think of to get out of this ticket.

Just then I noticed that this cop wasn't alone. To the right of me another cop was shining his light in my windows looking at Emilee and her friend and looking through my car. I rolled my eyes in annoyance and then turned to the cop at my window. "I'll be right back." he said in his incredibely annoying 'I'm better than you' voice. (haha you think i'm bitter?)

I put my head on the steering wheel as I tried to relax. My sister and her friend than began to talk..but they weren't using reassuring words at all. they were saying things like "OH MY! there was TWO of them!" and "Wow. how annoying. they were like searching through the car suspiciously like we were hiding something." I tuned out their words as I focused on calming down. I waited impatiently as I stared through my rearview mirror just waiting for his door to open.

Time creeped by.

Finally, I saw the door open and the cop walking towards my car, chest puffed out, and clipboard in hand. "I'm giving you a ticket for 9 over. You were really going 13, but I will only give it to you for 9" he said in his now infuriating voice. I looked at him disguted. that's supposed to be GOOD? I thought. GOOD would be no ticket! I was no longer working on staying calm. He gave me the clipboard while pointing where to sign. I covered my eyes with my hands trying to focus. I tried to put the pen to the paper, but my hand was shaking too hard to write.

After what felt like forever, I finally signed the paper. I shoved the clipboard back in his hands and started shutting the window, while shifting the car into drive. (keep in mind I had NEVER been pulled over before. I didn't know what to do and I just wanted to GO HOME!)

"Hey!" The cop yelled, still trying make his voice sound intimidating. I looked at him in suprise "WHAT!?" I asked, now yelling at him.

"Do you want to go to JAIL!?!?" he threatened. how could he threaten that to me!? In my mind I was doing absoultely nothing wrong! I glared at him. "what are you talking about!?"

"we're not DONE here!" he stated as he ripped the paper. He then went on a huge long lecture again, which I didn't hear because my sister was in the back screaming at the cop. I really wanted her to stop, but i didn't have the energy to stop her. When he finally gave me the paper and got in his car, I drove away. I was so upset I couldn't see straight.

The ticket ended up being around $117.

I wasn't happy.

But, quite frankly, I deserved that ticket.

I was speeding

and slamming on your breaks to the point where you skid across the road?

yeah. don't ever do that!

Experience #2:

As some of you might know, I am a CNA (certified nursing assistant). it was the year 2007 and at the time, I worked at a place called Alta Ridge Alzheimers. I absolutely LOVED my job and worked there with a good friend of mine, Rachel. Again I was 17. Rachel and I were just leaving when we decided that we wanted to watch the movie Anastasia. After talking about it for a few minutes, we decided to go back to my house so we could watch it there.

Rachel and I both drove VW Jetta's at the time and She was following me because she couldn't remember exactly how to get to my house. As we were driving, she pulled up next to me at a stop light and rev'd her engine. I couldn't help it. she was driving the same car! once the light turned green I sped off racing her to the next light. (I won of course :)) what I DIDN'T know, was that a cop had seen me speed off. It was getting dark, so I could only see the outline of cars. After I beat Rachel, she started backing off. For a while I kept losing her and wasn't sure where she went. As I stopped at another stoplight, I noticed a car behind me and it looked like it had the bike holders on the top. where is rachel?? I thought. As I continued driving I spotted her a couple cars behind me, so I began focusing more on the road. As I was coming up on the NEXT light, I realized I had to switch lanes..so I did..but realized as I was doing so that I did not use my blinker!

As I stopped at the light, I glanced back at my rearview mirror again and to my suprise, the car I had seen before was still behind me but the stuff on top of it were not bike holders, they were lights! oh it's a cop! I thought to myself, making a mental note to pay attention to my driving. As the light turned green, I slowly got up to the speed limit. Apparantly this caused the cop to realize that I had noticed him. That's when his lights turned on. Confused and extremely angry that he was pulling me over, I pulled to the side of the road. THIS time, I was not crying, just ready to figure out why I was being pulled over.

When he arrived at my window he asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I looked up at him trying to see his face while realizing that I had no idea how long he had been behind me. "Well..." I said "It depends on how long you were behind me.." I smiled innocently and he laughed. good sign I thought to myself. "Well, let's see," he began. oh crap. NOT a good sign. "I caught you speeding 10 over, switching lanes without using your blinker, and your tail light is out" he smiled back..innocently as I tried to work up some great excuse for each accusation.

As I stared out my windsheild I saw Rachel pull over a few feet in front of me. "Okay, that's my friend." I said, pointing at her. "She is following me home so I was trying to make sure she was following me which can explain why I wasn't driving very well.." I looked up trying to see if he was buying my excuse so far. "Also, when I realized I was speeding, I slowed down..I'm sure you noticed. I switched lanes without using my blinker, because I was almost to the light and I would have used it but by the time I remembered to use it, it was too late. Oh and I didn't know my tail light was out..sorry..??" pathetic! I thought. The cop just smiled, asked for my license, registration and proof of insurance and went back to his car.

He came back a few minutes later, still with a smile on his face. "Okay. I'll let you off with the others but I do have to give you a fix it ticket for your light. Don't worry though, just get it fixed and it won't affect your insurance or anything." I was ECSTATIC "thank you thank you thank you!" I exclaimed.

That could have been a VERY bad experience. INSTEAD, both me AND the cop, drove away with a smile on our faces.

Experience #3:

This was Valentines day of '08. Now those of you who have read my adoption story know that later that day I discovered I was pregnant...This day could have just started off SO incredibely bad.

I was living in Ogden at the time, but because Kris broke his foot just the day before, I had to drive down to Riverton to pick him up and then drive back to my apartment to get ready. It was an icy day but we were in a HUGE hurry. We had reservations. So, because I had made some incredibley stupid decisions for the past few weeks, I decided that I would make another stupid decision, which was drive recklessly. We were on the freeway and I was weaving in and out of traffic like a maniac. the roads were ICY and I was going 85 miles an hour. (yeah..I was dumb right??) I had just gotten into a quite empty lane, when I looked in my rearview mirror. After studying the car behind me for a few seconds, I realized that it was an undercover cop. "I think that's a cop" I said to Kris, and right as I said this, his lights turned on. "CRAP!" I said as I began pulling over.

My heart was pounding. "What am I going to do?" I asked him. "I can't pay for this..I don't have any money!" as he approached my window I rolled in down in fear of how he was going to treat me. "In a hurry?" he asked, his face in completel dissatisfaction. "I'm sorry. Yes I am, but that is no excuse." he eyes me with suspision. "Do you have a death wish? because most people that drive the way you were just driving, end up smeared acrossed the highway." He was right and I couldn't argue. "I'm really sorry" I said as I, again, handed him my license, registration, and Proof of Insurance.

Kris and I both sat in silence as I watched him through the rearview mirror. I was SO nervous.

I should probably mention, that this time the car I drove was a red Chevy Cobalt and it had a license plate holder on the back that said "Daddy's Little Princess".

As the cop got out of his car, I realized to my curiosity, that all he was holding was what I had given him. When he arrived at my window, I stared at him with shock filling my eyes as he explained "I was putting your information in my computer when I looked up and saw that your license plate says "Daddy's Little Princess". I have a little girl at home, and frankly I don't want to be the one to have to tell your dad that you're not coming home. So just be careful." and he handed me back my papers. "you're not giving me a ticket?" I asked with complete astonishment. "no." He said "but really. Be careful." I gotta tell you. at that moment, I wanted to get out of the car and just hug the officer. All I could do was thank him a million times and promise that I would be more careful.

I gotta say that I was. I think that after that day I have been a LOT more careful.

yes, I do still drive crazy sometimes..but not like that.

I think that cop left the biggest impression on me and I respected him more because he didn't seem to try to act cocky. He was just being realistic.

So thanks to that cop, the BEGINNING of my day didn't start off horribly, it just ended incredibely bad..

Experience #4:

I was probably about 3 months pregnant at this point. I had just started working at eBay, so I was still in training. We could only have 3 occurances and I was running late (like always, since I spent most of my mornings after I woke up at the toilet..puking! ha I know you wanted to know that..) I had 10 minutes to be at work and clocked in and I just KNEW I was going to be late.

As the light I was waiting at turned green, me and a couple other cars sped up..I was in a hurry and wasn't paying as much attention to my spedometer as I should have been and as I looked over and saw the cop I tried to slow down but it was too late. I was the one in the back, so I was the one that was going to be pulled over.

I don't have much to say about this one except that he clocked me at going 60 in a 40, but only gave me a ticket for going 5 over. I was less upset about this one since I actually DID have a job and it wasn't going to be TOO expensive...plus I could go to traffic school and get it off my insurance :)

Experience 5:

yeah you're probably thinking.."wow..is she ever going to learn?" but I can honestly say that this next one was NOT my fault.

It happened about a month ago. It was the end of April, and I was 'babysitting' my grandparents while my aunt was out of town. My little sister had come to watch me speak at an adoptive parent class earlier that day, so she was still with me when I had decided I was hungry. I told my oma (grandma in dutch) that we were going to go get some food and asked them if they wanted anything. My Oma wanted me to pick up a bag of potatos from wal mart and my Opa wanted fries.

So after my sister and I ate some dinner at the best Pizzeria ever, Firehouse, we set off to pick up the stuff for my grandparents. I dropped Emilee off at walmart while I drove over to wendy's to pick up the fries. As I was pulling back into walmart to pick Emilee up, I saw flashing lights. I looked up to see a cop behind me and of course, pulling me over.

I can honestly tell you that I was completely shocked what did I do wrong?? I thought. I honestly hadn't noticed that I had done anything wrong. As the cop came to my window and asked me if I knew why I pulled him over I said "no, I can honestly tell you that I have NO IDEA why you are pulling me over right now." He asked me to show him proof of insurance. As I frantically searched for it, I failed. The one that I had, had expired a month before. "I'm showing that this car is currently not insured" he said. I was completely confused. So confused that I began to laugh. "No, I can promise you that this car is insured." He didn't even crack a smile. "Our computers are pretty accurate." he said. "So I can't believe you unless you give me proof."

As I was searching through my car, Emilee called me. I picked up my phone, with him sitting there and began laughing hysterically. "I'm just over here on the other side of the parking lot. I'm pulled over!" I was laughing! why was I laughing? This was a serious thing.. I looked up at the cop and he was staring at me, completely annoyed with my behavior. "Let me just call my parents, because I KNOW that I'm insured." I said. "you do what you want, but unless I have a paper proving it, I can't believe you." He snarled as he walked back to his car to 'check again'. I called my mom while he was back there. It was almost midnight at this point so I felt a little guilty for waking them up.

As I told my mom what was going on, she woke my dad up and he immediately got ahold of our insurance agent. As he was on the phone with him, the cop came back and my mom asked to talk to him. He gave me the ticket as I gave him the phone. As he talked to her I started realizing what my mom was doing. She asked why he pulled me over and he explained that he pulled up my license plate "randomly" and found that I wasn't insured. Than she asked if he could do that. After he rudely responded that he could, my mom mentioned that he seemed to be very bored and than told him that my dad had just finised talking to our insurance agent and that we were, indeed, insured.

OF COURSE, he still didn't buy it.

SO, I had to go to court two weeks later with a letter from my agent proving that I was insured. It was a complete pain especially since it was 45 minutes away from my house. I can't say I was happy, but my Insurance Agent made sure it all worked out so that we weren't penalized at all!

So, you may be wondering what has brought this long long LONG post on.

Well,

why don't you thank my sixth and final experience...

It happened last night...

Experience #6

I was driving home from Terri's house with Keara.

As we were driving down the SAME road I was on in Experience #1,

Keara pointed out that there was a cop. I SLOWLY this time, put on my breaks just a little.

(it's an automatic reaction..even if I'm NOT speeding..which I wasn't)

Still, as I drove past, the headlights turned on.

"what the heck?" I said to keara. This cop BETTER not pull me over. For a second there I didn't think they were going to..but sure enough their lights turned on. "Oh no." I thought as the SAME question came into my mind and out my mouth "How am I going to pay for this?" I had all of the papers ready this time (I was used to it now..although I still had to ask Keara if one of the papers were my registration..). As I was waiting for the cop to come to my window, I began to feel really discouraged. is this really happening to me? It's really the last thing I need right now.

As the cop arrived at my window, I realized It was a female. oh great I thought in my head. Althought I had never personally dealt with a female cop, I had heard they were a lot more brutal. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" she asked, in a more polite tone than I expected her to. "No.." I was really worried now and you could hear it in my voice. She smiled and said "did you know that your headlight is out?" the fear and worry I was feeling in both my body and my voice relaxed. "Oh." I was really relieved that was all it was. "oh that's soo good that is all it is." and I smiled to.

She took my information and went back to her car. I was totally planning on receiving a 'fix it' ticket, so when she walked up and told me she was only giving me a warning I, again, almost hugged her. "THANK YOU!" I said.

I will never Judge a cop now on their sex.

I totally assumed she was going to be mean..because that is how I have heard female cops are..but she was SUPER nice.

I guess that's what happens when you assume right??

SO,

let's hope that I don't get pulled over for a LOONG time now.

The End :)

any ideas??

HOW I FEEL LATELY.

ANY GOOD DIETING IDEAS???

I would just LOOOVVVEE

to get back to my pre-Avery weight...

I know I know THIS doesn't help...I'm doing better though.. ;)

It's all about the weather.

The weather here in Logan today is A M A Z I N G.

It's funny how the weather can change your mood drastically.

I love feeling the heat!!!

I was feeling kind of down this morning when I woke up and really had to force myself to go to class.

But the MOMENT I stepped out the door and felt the warm weather on my face,

my mood changed.

I all of the sudden became super excited for school to get out.

only two weeks left!!

I suddenly felt relaxed,

and no longer stressed out.

I would actually ENJOY walking around campus today.

I LOVE WARM WEATHER!!!

no more snow for me!! :D

I should probably start being more optimistic now!!!

WHO ELSE LOVES THIS WEATHER????

Wisdom, paper, and a sore behind

So yesterday my roommate Megan had this brilliant idea that we should go to a spinning class instead of to the gym like normal.

I liked the idea because I've been on bikes before and loved it,

and it sounded pretty simple......

So we walked there,

I realized that I forgot a water bottle,

and

we sat on the bikes while the instructor introduced herself.

As I started pedaling I realized that my seat was extremely uncomfortable.

about 15 minutes into the class, I thought I was going to DIE.

My back side hurt SO bad that I could barely move.

By the end of the class...I thought I was dead.

I never thought riding a bike would be

1 - so hard,

and

2 - so painful!

why in the world would someone make a machine that you SIT on have such an uncomfortable seat!?

I swear I have like 10 bruises.

I'm definitely paying for it now.

Ever had a bruised butt??

haha

try sitting down!

It's really a lot of fun.

So I woke up this morning to a phone call.

My mom signed me up with Gene Brown Research to get my wisdom teeth out.

Well,

they had a cancellation and wanted to know if I could come in on Tuesday.

SCARY!!

But I get paid for it.

So that always WONDERFUL.

WELL,

I have a paper due in 2 hours.

I should probably start working on it.

Tests

I would like to take a moment to express my extreme hatred towards tests.

(I know this is totally against my last post,

but today was a pretty bad day so I don't care.)

I took a test on Friday.

I studied for the test for a WEEK and a HALF!

there was only ONE day out of that time period that I didn't study,

and that's because I was giving an adoption presentation in sandy

so I had to go home.

So I was pretty confident that I was going to do well on this test.

I actually was SO incredibely nervous,

but was confident I would do well.

SO,

Usually when we take a test here at Utah State, our professor has our test results within the next TWO hours.

well,

MY professor decided he would be lazy and he decided not to

PUT THEM THROUGH THE MACHINE

until

TODAY.

So I have been stressing out like crazy, and extremely anxious for the results.

I got them today.

Talk about a waste of time.

I got 13/20.

62%.

I'm pretty stupid.

I am never studying again.

it's a WASTE OF TIME.

(the REALLY sad thing is my roomate didn't study until the NIGHT BEFORE, and she used my notes to do it...she got a better grade than I did.)

I despise tests.

I woke up this morning missing Keltson like crazy.

(he died in October)

I don't know why but I was really thinking about him

a WHOLE lot more than I usually do during the day.

So I was already pretty sad.

So when I received the email with my score,

and opened it.

I'm pretty sure my self esteem dropped even lower.

I just got up and left.

usually when I'm upset and want to cry, I go for a drive.

I don't know why.

So I did.

The second I got in my car I just started BAWLING.

Yes,

I should remember,

It was a NICE day today

I have good friends

a good family

and

many people supporting me with everything I do.

But,

can you blame me for feeling like a complete failure today?

can you blame me?

really?

Anyway.

I HATE TESTS!