November is good at trying to escape...but I have caught it just in time

I am very fully aware of the fact that November is National Adoption month.

I feel terrible for failing miserabely at posting about it so far. It's already the 10th!

There has been so much going on in my life that I've completely lost track of time.

I can't believe that this month is already 1/3 of the way through.

I've been trying to decide what to do about this since it's way too late to do what I usually do.

(unless you're aware of what I usually do and you want to quickly shoot me an email, I can spotlight you :))

I've decided,

that although it's going to be short and sweet,

at least it will be SOMETHING,

I'm going to post about one thing I'm grateful for everyday for the rest of the month and why.

Of course it's going to all be adoption related,

because lets face it,

Adoption has changed my life and made me who I am today.

I'm so sorry for my lack of posts.

My daughter has been experiencing some medical problems and we found out recently that she is going to need surgery; which has resulted in me feeling all sorts of emotions and being very distracted.

I hope I can make up for it somehow!

Time for an apology

Here's another post, with my poor, very poor writing skills.

But I"m gonna try k? haha

When I'm pregnant, I'm so much more moody than anyone can even fathom.

I've been feeling pretty bad about this for quite some time,

but now I'm going to just suck it up and admit that I was wrong.

THIS is the post I'm talking about.

I don't take back the way I feel about the subject,

but I do take back the way I went about writing it.

I understand that there are good and bad ways to go about things and I know I went about this the wrong way.

I could have been more sensitive to other peoples feelings.

But in all honesty,

I have the HARDEST time understanding how someone can sit there and think Abortion is okay.

I don't get what goes on in their brains and I never will.

Here's the thing.

I get my point across when I keep my temper under control.

When I get angry about something,

I can be MEAN.

Not just rude, downright mean. Not on purpose.

I just get so frustrated that I say EXACTLY what is on my mind.

Yes I'm one of those people.

I don't really sugar coat anything. When I feel a certain way, I just say it.

That get's 10x worse when I'm pregnant.

I understand that it's bad but in all honesty, I would LOVE if people were always completely honest with me.

 That way, if they didn't like me, I wouldn't have to waste my time. Plus can you imagine that great communication!?

haha I'm serious.

Sometimes I just hate it when people don't tell me if I'm bugging them, or if they like something I said, or anything like that. I just would absolutely love it if everyone just always said what was on their mind. BUT. That's not how the world is and everyone wants to think that everyone thinks they're perfect.

Crap. I did it again.

Sorry.

Anyway,

back to why I am making this post.

That Abortion post I made was very blunt and not sugar coated at all.

I don't sugar coat the way I feel about adoption, so I figured I shouldn't sugar coat anything...cause it's the way I am!

But I am writing to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the Harsh words. I'm sorry for being so blunt.

I know this is my blog. I know I should be able to say what I want, but I have not been able to get that post off of my mind since I posted it. It's the reason I stopped writing on here so much.

It was because I was so hormonal and pregnant.

That's not a good excuse, but seriously. I'm mean when I'm pregnant.

Ask my husband. Bless him for putting up with me.

Nobody is perfect okay?

But this is my sincere apology.

I'm sorry for offending those that I offended.

I'm not saying that I agree with you, but I am saying sorry for the words that I said and the way I went about it. I should not have been so harsh.

<3

Eternal Writers Cramp

I was just reading some of my posts from 2009,

and I gotta say...

I've really lowered my writing standards since then haven't I?

I feel as though I am not even the same person as I was back then.

Which, I'm not...

but can't I still have my same writing techniques?

I'm so BORING now and I just barely realized it!

I apologize to everyone for this mishap.

It's disappointing to the max.

Pretty sure college was helping me sound intelligent.

Maybe I should go back...

haha

I feel like my life has changed so much since then and I've had so much going on,

that I've put my blog on a back burner.

So when I DO update,

it's more like word vomit.

It's not pretty.

I hope that everyone can forgive me.

I'm really not the grumpy girl that's been updating the last year...

I've just lost my writing inspiration I guess :(

CLARIFICATION...

Remember this post?

I've had a lot of negative comments relating to this specific part:

5. Don't complain about being a mother

I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain.

After reading it again, I realize that I put this a little harshly...I do understand that being a mother is an incredibely difficult job. I was not trying to say that I'm better than you because I placed my baby for adoption (obviously not..considering I was in that situation in the first place!) I wasn't trying to say that at ALL...I think I was just a little bothered about someone complaining to me before...but I really did not mean to sound so harsh. I have a lot of respect for mothers...but I'm also VERY envious. That is what I was trying to say.

 

To Elaborate a little, I want to just give an example of a mother that, has no personal experience with Adoption, yet is still SO grateful to be a mother.

My coworker and friend Krista.

She is a mother of one going on two and she has a blog.
THIS particular post is what I would like to focus on.

This post explains her frustrations.
It's HARD to be a mother.
I understand that.

But there is a difference between letting out your frustrations
vs complaining about being a mother.

I hope this clears thing up.
and
I hope that those of you that were offended, understand a little better what I meant by this statement.

I also hope that everyone understands that I don't think I'm better than others, including other mothers, because I placed for Adoption.  I didn't mean to sound that way and I definitely do NOT think this about myself. 

Forgive me?

...

I'm a very stubborn person.

When something upsets me and I'm in a stressful moment of my life...

I don't give in easily.

especially when someone TELLS me to do it.

like,

forgive someone.

and it was definitely hard for me to get over the comment from "Anonymous".

In all reality,

it wasn't even that bad.

I over reacted.

but,

I was hurt nonetheless.

Unfortunately,

that comes with having a blog. Especially one like this.

I need to accept that and learn to respond more...appropriately.

I was feeling really guilty the other day, driving home from work and had decided I was going to make a post to apologize for the way I reacted.

Then,

I got home and read this:

Anonymous said...

Lechelle thank you for your point of view. I very much understand what you are saying. I would like to apologize to the original blog owner/poster for the previous comments I made. I didn't mean for them to be as offensive as they came off. I think I may have taken some of the context the wrong way. I don't think adoption is a negative, selfish or easy thing to do at all. I was just offended by the thought that someone would suggest it was easier than parenting a child. Anyway I will leave it at that as what I say seems to rub a lot of people on this blog the wrong way. :/

After reading this,

I felt even more guilty.

So,

here's my sincere apology for the way I acted to everyone... including anonymous.

I need to accept the fact that not everyone will agree.

I should have responded better than I did.

So,

I'm sorry. I will definitely work on not blogging when I'm angry!!

I am sorry

The last couple of weeks, I feel like I have (subconsciously) removed myself from the adoption world.

I think that my mind/body/spirit needed a break from the pain that I have felt lately.

Adoption is an amazing thing.

truly amazing.

I'm so grateful to be a part of it.

But I think that I removed myself to try to heal my heart.

It's been hurting.

Of course I have continued reading Dustin and Andrea's blog,

and I continue to think about Avery everyday.

But,

I feel that I have disconnected from the adoption world.

It's too hard to think about sometimes.

It's too hard to relive the experience.

But I've come to realize that adoption is a part of me.

I can't live without it.

I guess what I am trying to say is

I am sorry.

I'm sorry if I have seemed distant.

I'm sorry if I have not read/commented on your blog lately

I'm sorry if I have disappointed my blog readers, who have been an endless support to me.

It's hard to explain how much it means to me that I have such incredible support through blogging.

It's really, very comforting.

I hope I have not let you down.

and it's NOVEMBER; Adoption Awareness Month nonetheless!

I'm going to work on doing better.

and for the rest of the month,

I'm going to try to dedicate a post to a couple trying to adopt. Everyday.

Afterall,

you never know who could be reading :)

Well...

I guess I forgot to mention this...

but I am no longer going back to Utah State.

LONG story and you don't want to hear it.

trust me.

SO I'm going to Salt Lake Community College instead.

because of this I am a little sad.

My best friend Keara is going to China along with Chelsey.

My other best friend Terri is married.

Brittany, Mandy, Megan, Elicia and all of the rest of my friends are up at Logan.

This is really not the best thing ever.

I've been having a really hard time with this.

Especially with Keara leaving.

Thank heaven for Skype.

I haven't really posted very much lately because I don't want to be a horrible pessimist all of the time when I blog and I don't have much good to say.

So sorry about that!

My Case Manager job is going well..so that's good.

The Ugly Truth.

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a couple of days now...
I am forcing myself to have the guts to post it...

Throughout the past couple of weeks I have been slowly realizing something that I should have realized a long time ago.

It seems I always have to experience something horrible in order for me to understand anything. I can't ever just learn from others experiences...it has to personally happen to me.

I really wish I could get over that..because I will forever struggle if I don't.
(I have really contemplated making this post..let's hope I don't regret it)


This is me and Avery's Birthfather, Kris
(got this off his myspace account...good thing he doesn't use it anymore..haha I wanted a picture for this post)

Here's the thing.

I have had VERY bitter feelings towards him for more than a year now for pretty much two reasons:

1. Because he was against the adoption from the beginning and at times was very close to trying to stop it
and
2. Because he wasn't there through pretty much the entire pregnancy. My life was put on hold for almost a year and he didn't feel the need to put his on hold like me. He had the easy way out.

But seriously....
He DIDN'T stop the adoption.

He let it happen even though he didn't agree with it because he knew that it's what I knew was best for Avery and he trusted me.

I should be SO grateful to him for that

I wasn't able to realize this until I experienced heartbreak myself.
Jake was the first person I have ever had break up with me and let me tell you...it hurts. physically.

It hurts to feel like you're not wanted.

Kris wanted to get married.
We were ENGAGED...and I just called it off and didn't want anything to do with him anymore.....

I can see why he would want to stop the adoption now..
I'm just SO SO Grateful that he didn't.

I guess that this post is just about realization...??

The way Kris has made me feel about myself is NOTHING compared to the way Jake has made me feel about myself...

I owe Kris an apology...
I'm just not sure how to do it without sending the wrong message.

Any Suggestions?

Comparison..

I have this weakness.

It's something I have been struggling with my whole life.

I COMPARE MYSELF TO EVERYONE!!

It drives me crazy,

because whenever I compare myself,

I end up having a horrible day and feeling HORRIBLE about myself.

My entire life I have had this problem. I compare myself to everyone...particularly...her

This is my sister, BreeAnn.

Photo Courtesy of Andrea Tuft Photography

My sister and her husband Blake on their wedding day

I seriously compare myself to her with EVERYTHING I do.
My whole life, I would drive myself crazy doing it.

You see,
BreeAnn and I are just 11 months apart.

Because of this, I felt like I had to compete with her all of the time.

I remember driving myself crazy because I wanted to be as pretty as her, as confident as her, as skinny as her and everything else.

BreeAnn and I didn't get along as well as we could have because of this.

I think one of the main reasons I felt this way was because I just knew that people were comparing us because of the fact that we were so close in age...and because I felt like she was better than me in every way, I didn't like her.

Today,
I found myself doing that same thing again.
and
I realized what makes me do this all of the time.

WHENEVER I lose confidence in something,
I start getting really hard on myself.
I wonder what is wrong with me,
which THEN leads me to comparing myself to the people that have the things I want.

Good thing I caught it this time.
I need to start being grateful for the things I DO have,
and stop just wishing I had the things I don't.

That is all!!! :)

P.S...BreeAnn get's really mad when I compare myself to her...so she's going to HATE this post. SORRY BREEANN! :)

UPDATE:

Turns out, all I needed was junk food, a trip to the store with my sister Emilee and friend Cassidy, and a chick flick movie called A Walk to Remember!! That takes away the comparison RIGHT AWAY...of course unless I eat A WHOLE BUNCH of junk food...then that would all go away after I stepped on the scale...

Don't worry...haha I worked out a whole lot this week....

I AM BLESSED!!!

It has come to my attention recently that I put off the wrong message last week in this post.

That post was not meant to worry people,

to make people think that I was super depressed,

or to say that I'm suicidal.

Because I AM DEFINITELY NOT.

I am far from any of that.

That post was made mostly for myself.

It was to show that I have been thinking of only myself lately,

and when I do that,

it does not do good things.

I made that post to initiate that when I am only thinking of MYSELF,

I start feeling that way.

(like everyone)

It wasn't a post to tell everyone that I'm a depressed person that has nothing to live for anymore, because I definitely KNOW that is not true!

I'm super blessed.

SUPER BLESSED

like shown

here,

here,

here,

or

here.

(and many other posts)

there is nothing I should be feeling so depressed about.

So,

I apologize to those of you that took it in that way,

and

I apologize for making everyone think that I am a depressed basket case.

I AM NOT.

I'm human.

I should be more careful with the way I say things next time,

and

I apologize for the misunderstanding.

To clarify one more time.

That post was supposed to say:

"I have been feeling super down all week,

and

I have come to the conclusion that it's because I have just been thinking of myself.

Maybe I should stop consuming all my thoughts towards what I want,

and go do some service or something."

again, I'm super sorry for the misunderstanding

Thank you all for being so worried about me though!!

It sure makes me feel super loved! :):)