Infertility

Okay here's a post that I hope I can put into words.

 

I really really have been struggling with how to put these emotions into words and I'm going to do my best to get them out once and for all right here!

 

First things first,

I'm pregnant.

8.3 weeks to be exact.

We were trying this time and the excitement overwhelmed the both of us!

 

Smiles were glued to our faces for days!

We are so excited to welcome this next little one into our family!

 

However,

while all this excitement has been going on,

in the back of my mind there's been one thing.

Something that came completely to the surface today and it's to the point where my excitement and joy of being pregnant is being overcome with guilt and unworthiness.

 

I'm surrounded by many people in my life who struggle with infertility.

many INCREDIBLE people.

We announced our pregnancy on facebook on November 1st.

 

It's now the 3rd and I'm feeling really guilty about doing so. 

Not because anyone has said anything, because they haven't!

 

But because everytime I read a blog post from one of my incredible friends about their infertile struggles, or everytime I talk to a loved one who struggles with this, I feel like my telling them or even TALKING about my pregnancy only reminds them of these struggles. I don't want to be that person!

 

I think about how incredibely amazing this people are and I just keep wondering why??

It doesn't make sense why this happens.

 

I seriously could not thank the Lord enough for the tremendous blessing I've been given, but I feel guilty because there are MANY people out there much more deserving than me.

 

I feel almost like I'm flaunting it in everyones faces.

Like, whenever I say anything about my pregnancy on facebook or anywhere for that matter, that I'm showing off something that only hurts them more.

 

I don't want to be the reason for pain or heartache.

I don't want any of my friends to get on facebook and feel a stab of pain because of something I've posted. I don't want that!

 

I broke down tonight after reading a friends blog and I tried to run upstairs before Tyson could see me because I didn't want to admit out loud why I was really crying...but he caught me and forced it out of me. 

 

He proceeded to tell me that the Lord gives us our blessing and trials for a reason and that I shouldn't feel guilty because it's not my fault...

 

but I already know that! I know it's not my fault...but I still feel like I'm a constant reminder of what infertile couples don't have and refraining from talking about it to them or on facebook, would prevent any unneccesary kind of pain.

 

I'm just writing this point because I really need to get my feelings out.

I don't know what to do...

 

If anyone has suggestions for me, I would be MORE THAN GRATEFUL to hear them.

I need to know if there's anything that is said by someone who is pregnant that only causes pain to those dealing with infertility. I need to know if it would be better if I didn't post anything else about my pregnancy, cravings, etc on facebook.

 

I'm SO SO excited and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to bring another child into this world. I really don't know how to make that more clear, so I hope that whoever reads this, doesn't take it in thinking that I'm not realizing what I blessing this is, because I do!! I just don't want to hurt anyone in the process of enjoying and experiencing my blessing...

I'm grateful for...#17

I'm so grateful for Eternal families.

Although Avery is a part of D&A's family here on this earth,

and I know that without a doubt;

I also know that we are all an Eternal Family.

I know that we will all eventually be a family,

because she was sealed to D&A in the Temple.

If I hadn't placed her for adoption,
she wouldn't have been sealed to me because her birthfather and I,

wouldn't have been sealed in the temple.

Adoption makes it so she is still able to be sealed to her parents.

I just love this Gospel. 

If this post is confusing beyond belief, try reading THIS.

I go into more detail and explanation there :)

I'm grateful for...#14

I'm grateful for Adoption Advocates.

If you're friends with me on facebook,

you may have seen recently that I posted about the wife of a birth father,

who was being attacked by a birth mother/Adoptive mother.

She was telling her that because she wasn't a part of the adoption triad,

she should not be blogging about adoption.

That is absurd to say the least.

I was fuming angry at this nasty commenter.

How could she say that to someone that is only supporting her husband and adoption!?

I said some harsh words (which maybe I shouldn't have...but boy did she hit a nerve).

I just have to say that I'm SO grateful for those that haven't been affected by adoption first hand,

yet they still support it just as if they were.

Because they want to share how much they have been blessed by it through other people.

Time for an apology

Here's another post, with my poor, very poor writing skills.

But I"m gonna try k? haha

When I'm pregnant, I'm so much more moody than anyone can even fathom.

I've been feeling pretty bad about this for quite some time,

but now I'm going to just suck it up and admit that I was wrong.

THIS is the post I'm talking about.

I don't take back the way I feel about the subject,

but I do take back the way I went about writing it.

I understand that there are good and bad ways to go about things and I know I went about this the wrong way.

I could have been more sensitive to other peoples feelings.

But in all honesty,

I have the HARDEST time understanding how someone can sit there and think Abortion is okay.

I don't get what goes on in their brains and I never will.

Here's the thing.

I get my point across when I keep my temper under control.

When I get angry about something,

I can be MEAN.

Not just rude, downright mean. Not on purpose.

I just get so frustrated that I say EXACTLY what is on my mind.

Yes I'm one of those people.

I don't really sugar coat anything. When I feel a certain way, I just say it.

That get's 10x worse when I'm pregnant.

I understand that it's bad but in all honesty, I would LOVE if people were always completely honest with me.

 That way, if they didn't like me, I wouldn't have to waste my time. Plus can you imagine that great communication!?

haha I'm serious.

Sometimes I just hate it when people don't tell me if I'm bugging them, or if they like something I said, or anything like that. I just would absolutely love it if everyone just always said what was on their mind. BUT. That's not how the world is and everyone wants to think that everyone thinks they're perfect.

Crap. I did it again.

Sorry.

Anyway,

back to why I am making this post.

That Abortion post I made was very blunt and not sugar coated at all.

I don't sugar coat the way I feel about adoption, so I figured I shouldn't sugar coat anything...cause it's the way I am!

But I am writing to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the Harsh words. I'm sorry for being so blunt.

I know this is my blog. I know I should be able to say what I want, but I have not been able to get that post off of my mind since I posted it. It's the reason I stopped writing on here so much.

It was because I was so hormonal and pregnant.

That's not a good excuse, but seriously. I'm mean when I'm pregnant.

Ask my husband. Bless him for putting up with me.

Nobody is perfect okay?

But this is my sincere apology.

I'm sorry for offending those that I offended.

I'm not saying that I agree with you, but I am saying sorry for the words that I said and the way I went about it. I should not have been so harsh.

<3

Eternal Writers Cramp

I was just reading some of my posts from 2009,

and I gotta say...

I've really lowered my writing standards since then haven't I?

I feel as though I am not even the same person as I was back then.

Which, I'm not...

but can't I still have my same writing techniques?

I'm so BORING now and I just barely realized it!

I apologize to everyone for this mishap.

It's disappointing to the max.

Pretty sure college was helping me sound intelligent.

Maybe I should go back...

haha

I feel like my life has changed so much since then and I've had so much going on,

that I've put my blog on a back burner.

So when I DO update,

it's more like word vomit.

It's not pretty.

I hope that everyone can forgive me.

I'm really not the grumpy girl that's been updating the last year...

I've just lost my writing inspiration I guess :(

Wish I have parented?

I received a question on my last post,

that is a question I have also been asked a lot so I decided to answer it in a post as well.

The question was:

I can't help but wonder, now that you are married and a mom do you ever wish you could have parented Avery since now you have a two parent household for her? In hindsight, do you regret it or do you (or her adoptive parents) worry she might wonder why she was adopted and her sibling (through birth/blood) was not?

Short Answer: No.

Long Answer:

For those of you that are also LDS,

it's probably easier for you to understand this.

But I will try my best to explain it if you are not.

We understand that families can be together forever. The way to do that is to be sealed together for time and all eternity in the Temple. When we are married, instead of parting at death, we are sealed together for Eternity. Even After death.

This is something that I have a strong Testimony of. I am so grateful that we can be together forever. I can't imagine thinking that if my Husband or Family Member or Child were to pass away that we wouldn't be a forever family! It is so comforting to know that when a family member passes on, we WILL see them again and we WILL be a family forever.

So now let me explain something as far as Avery goes.

Avery's Birthfather and I would not have stayed together.

Our marriage would not have lasted. 

We wouldn't have been sealed in the Temple, which means we wouldn't be a forever family.

How do you think Avery would feel,

if she was the only one that was not sealed to her family?

Because Tyson and I were Sealed in the Temple when we were married,

Kalista was born into the Covenant which means she was born already sealed to us.

When Dustin and Andrea adopted Avery,

they were able to take her to the Temple and be sealed to her.

The only way that Avery would have been able to be sealed to us,

is if her Birthfather allowed Tyson to adopt her and let me tell you right now,

I know for a FACT that he would not have allowed that.

So that is one Major reason that I still know that Avery is where she is supposed to be.

Not once have I wished I had parented her now that she would be living in a stable environment.

Another reason is that just because she would still have a two parent home,

she would still be going to her birthfathers home every weekend.

She would still be passed back and forth.

I gotta say,

I'm having a hard time leaving Kali at my parents house over night for mine and Tysons Anniversary...

I would DIE having to do it every single weekend!

I hope this makes sense and that I'm not just rambling,

but marrying Tyson just confirmed to me that Avery is in the right place.

She is sealed to her parents.

and I know that as long as you are sealed to your family,

that everyone is a family in heaven anyway.

We're all brothers and sisters.

SO no,

I don't wish I had parented her.

not for one second.

But I love that girl so dang much!!

Which is why I don't regret placing her.

She is better off!

and when I see a post like THIS,

it just confirms my feelings even more :)

Understanding what Adoption REALLY means.

I've been having numerous conversations,

with many different people lately about Adoption and what it means once a birthmom signs those papers.

After making the difficult decision to place her for Adoption and finding Dustin and Andrea,

I never once referred to Avery as my daughter.

Not once did I think of her that way.

I believe with 100% of my heart that Avery is and always has been Dustin and Andrea's Daughter.

She had to take a detour to get to them,

but she is NOT mine.

Signing the papers makes it so,

Even when you look at her,

it's so obvious that they are her parents.

If I didn't know any better, I would think that she was biologically born to them.

She resembles them SO much.

Nobody in my family thinks of Avery that way.

Kalista is my first child, My parents first Grandchild and my Siblings first Neice.

It's not to say that we don't love Avery.

We all do.

SO MUCH!

But it's a different kind of love.

Avery and I don't have the mother-daughter bond.

The love I have for her is unlike any love that many people will never experience.

I can't explain it.

But it's different because I know that she is Dustin and Andrea's daughter.

She was always meant for them.

So I guess the meaning for the post is this:

A lot of people misinterpret this.

A lot of people have made comments to us about how Kali isn't my only daughter, or my parents only Grand-daughter.

For those that don't understand this about Adoption,

they probably don't understand that this is very close to annoying.

haha

It kind of frustrates me when I'm talking to someone about Kali and they refer to her as a 'little sister' or when they refer to Avery as my daughter.

She's not. I have a hard time explaining this because It's hard to make not sound like I don't love Avery. I DO! I absolutely Adore that girl! But I just feel like some people need to understand the way my family and I see this Adoption.

Once I signed those papers, she was no longer my daughter.

The papers clearly state that.

I willingly did that because I always knew that Avery was going to the right place.

< 3

I have had a REALLY hard time doing this.

Every single comment I received on my last post,

made it harder and harder to just abandon my blog.

After reading all of the advice,

I feel like I've put all of them together and made a decision.

Before I received the 30+ comments on my last post and on formspring,

I was going to just completely move this blog to private and not allow any access...

then once we had the blog published,

I would delete it completely.

But...

now I feel like I'm being selfish.

It means a LOT to me that so many people have benefited from this

and to be honest,

I didn't realize it.

Since I still feel like it would be best for my family to have a private,

less controversial blog,

I have already created a new one and began making my personal posts there.

But I don't think I'll delete this blog.

At least for now.

HOWEVER,

I am going to moderate ALL of the comments I receive.

I will NOT publish the hurtful, mean comments.

I won't even finish reading them if I feel that they are moving to negativity towards who I am.

I CAN'T deal with those kinds of people anymore.

And,

this blog will be about Adoption.

So,

I probably won't post very much.

The only times I will is whenever I do something pertaining to adoption,

AKA speaking at high schools, on panels, attending an adoption related event, etc..

If you want to access my private blog,

comment on this post/send me and email with your blogger email address.

I can only have 100 readers on that blog.

I am HOPING I can keep it private.

I'm not sure how it will work so that my entire family can read it,

but I do NOT want negative comments on it.

We'll see how it works :S

But again, that blog will just be about my family and our lives.

I will post on there a BUNCH!

This one,

will not have as much activity. 

But I feel too guilty deleting it completly.

Especially if there are still other people out there that can benefit.

I honestly LOVE all of my readers.

I can't explain how helpful and sweet you all are to me.

I don't wanna just abandon you!!

I'm hoping this works.

If not,

I'm going to have to completely quit posting to this blog.

and I will only keep it up until I have it published.

I am grateful for all of the comments and advice received from my last post.

It really has helped me decide...

plus it's alot less painful for me to do it this way. :)

I didn't like my last decision and was having a REALLY hard time with it.

So,
I'm not going to completely delete it.
At least for now.
But if you want to read my personal blog,
comment/email me with your blogger email address
< 3

I think I've made the decision...

I'm 99.9% sure I'm going to delete this blog...

and create a private one for my family.

I will make that final decision by the end of next week.

I think I'm done dealing with all of the negativity that comes with blogging Publicly.

When I first created this blog,

it was SOO helpful.

A lot of healing took place.

A lot of growing and learning did as well.

But I've noticed,

as time has gone on,

it's turned in to something that I don't really care for.

Something that I don't want to be involved with anymore.

I don't like feeling attacked.

I don't like feeling the way I feel when I decide to "blog stalk",

and discover things in this world that are so evil I get physically ill.

THEN,

when standing up for my beliefs,

beliefs of mine that are SOOO obvious...

I'm criticized for THAT.

A blog is supposed to be like a journal.

It's supposed to be something I can write my thoughts and feelings on.

It's what I made it for in the first place...and it's no longer that.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to constantly stand up for things that seem so obviously right...

but for some reason,

aren't to other people.

I can't live of this world anymore.

I can only live my life,

with my family,

knowing what I know to be true.

I am just so focused on what really matters in my life,

which is my family and what is best for them,

specifically my sweet daughter that will be entering this harsh world soon.

I can't continue to take part in that. 

As I write this blog,

I think that I've already made my decision.

It's just getting myself to do it that is difficult. 

This blog has been my life for two years.

Almost exactly. 

It's going to be really hard to just delete it all and create my own private one. 

But I think I've come to the conclusion that it is what's best for my family.

I really appreciate the people that support me.  

I really love the people I've met through blogging and I wouldn't change it for the world.

But it's what's best for me and my family.

So it will be deleted by next week.  

This is really hard to do and is not an easy decision.

But I believe it is the right one.

Oh.
and
Promoting adoption?
well,
that's being done just wonderfully.

I don't need a blog to do that.

The one thing I am more passionate about than Adoption...

The incredible Stefanie made a post yesterday.

I gotta say it hit home for me more than ANY other post I've ever read.

If you want me to lose complete respect for you in less than 10 seconds,

just say these four word to me:

"I've had an Abortion"

I in no way see my losing respect for you as judgemental.

WHY?

Because if you have had an abortion,

it seems quite obvious that I care more about that Child you've killed more than you.

Which is quite sad.

I can't imagine someone loving my child more than me.

Abortion is the one thing that I can honestly say I am more passionate about than Adoption.

Adoption is the BEST option!

I love it SOO MUCH!

But I would never ever say that someone was wrong,

or being selfish if they chose to single parent.

That is there decision and that is them doing what they think is best.

and it very well could be.

But Abortion??

There is NOTHING anyone can say that will make me think that is a good option to choose.

It is NOT best for that child they are carrying.

That Child isn't even being born!

Instead they are bruttally murduring it.

yeah,

I gotta say,

I don't know anyone that wants to be murdered.

Do you?

has anyone walked up to you and said

"I wish someone would murder me today."

Or better yet,

has anyone ever said

"I wish my mom had just had an abortion when she was pregnant with me."

yeah,

didn't think so.

Before I go on,

I would like to admit that my writing skills have hit the toilet.

I don't know why but I can't seem to write what's on my mind as well as I used to...

I'll call it pregnancy related. ha.

Because of this,

I've decided that I'm just going to show this video.

I am SO passionate about this that the best way for me to state my feeling is by showing this chilling video.

I watched it when I was pregnant with Avery.

I cried all day after watching it.

I couldn't believe that someone would do this to a child.

I am pregnant again.

I gotta tell you now that I can't watch it.

I have a child inside of me right now.

She is moving as we speak.

She is playing around in my belly and getting bigger every day.

It kills me to even entertain the thought that this happens to other baby's like her.

I am getting emotional just typing it.

It kills me to think that when I was pregnant with Avery,

people chose this option over Adoption.

I can't imagine EVER doing this to Avery,

to my CHILD.

To something that is COMPLETELY depending on me...

and this is how you show them that you care?

The video is long, but it's facts. WATCH IT if you don't believe abortion is murder.

After watching this,

you tell me if it's still just TISSUE that you're getting rid of.

Friends with my mom on FB?

If so,

you may have seen this post from her:

"Bye Bye Andee Aguirre...hello Andee O*****"

[I thought it'd be best to leave out the new last name...since this blog IS public!!]

and then her response to the comments saying:

"I am referring all questions to Andee and Tyson...haha"

So,

I thought that now would probably be the best time for a blog update explaining this.

YES,

it is true.

My last name is changing...and my fiance's name is also changing!

HAHA confused?

allow me to explain.

Ernesto is amazing.

I have said this many many times before, but I haven't really explained some of the reasons why.

When he was 11 years old,

him and his 5 other siblings were pulled out of there homes and placed into foster care.

They seperated everyone but his two younger sisters.

They were pretty young and were adopted together.

From what I understand, they converted to the church shortly after.

Ernesto and his two brothers were all seperated.

He had an older sister that was pretty much on her own at this point.

him and his younger brother 's' went from Foster home to Foster home.

After about 4 years of this,

Ernesto was placed in a boys group home since they couldn't find another place for him to go.

His younger brother 's' was placed with foster parents named 'M' and 'R'.

after 's' told 'M' and 'R' about his older brother Ernesto,

they decided to go find him so that 's' could have his older brother back.

When they asked him to come and live with them and his little brother 'm',

of course he said yes and him and 's' were reunited.

When 'M' and 'R' introduced Ernesto to the church, he became immediately interested

and was converted to the church at age 16.

I met him about a year later.

At age 18,

Ernesto and 'M' got in a huge fight.

he was a teenager so obviously he wasn't thinking clearly and he left 'M' and 'R's' home.

He had become very close to my young woman leader through me so he went straight to her home.

They took him in for 8 months while he prepared for his mission.

In the mean time, 'M' and 'R' wanted him home to them. They ached for him to come home because he was their son. Although it wasn't official, they still saw him as their son. 

He loved this family he lived with. They have become very close friends through all of this, even more than before. He left for his mission in April of 2008. 

While he was out, 'R' wrote him constantly. He began looking forward to all of her letters and started realizing while on his mission that 'R' was his mother and had been from the start.

During his 2 year mission, 'M' and 'R' adopted 's'.

When Ernesto came home from his mission, him and 'M' and 'R' went to the temple. 

They all felt this day like Ernesto belonged in their family...but they did not communicate this to each other...

until last Wednesday the 21st. 

Ernesto and I were talking. He was talking about how much he wanted Eternal parents. We were getting married so he was going to be sealed to me and we were going to be our own Eternal family. But who wouldn't want parents to be in their Eternal family?  

So, after a long talk, he decided that he was going to ask 'M' and 'R' if they would adopt him. 

he did it that night.

The second he brought up adoption, 'R' started crying. 

They started telling him how long they have been waiting for him to ask this. 

They couldn't contain their excitement.

SO, while they were talking, Ernesto decided that because his last name was changing, 

he might at well change his first name too! (he wanted it to go with the last name) 

I am SO excited for them!

The Adoption was finalized on Friday!!

He was going to come to the FSA Conference with me...but we decided his adoption was a little more important!!! haha.

I was extremely disappointed that I couldn't be there. They were happening at the same time.
But at least I was promoting what an amazing thing adoption is!

I LOVE ADOPTION!!!

As of  Friday, Ernesto is not longer Ernesto.
He is now Tyson :)

He loves that name and I love it too.

I think he even looks like a Tyson.

It's really hard for me to get used to calling him Tyson...but I'll get it eventually.

SO! If you're coming to the wedding, please don't be confused when some stuff says Ernesto and some says Tyson...we had the announcements and sign in book made before all of this happened!!

So yes,

my fiance's name is different.

but NO, I'm not marrying someone else!!

haha ever.

I blame him!

It's funny.

I've really had a hard time blogging lately.

You can't blame me though.

I'm planning my wedding and all of my free time consists of...Ernesto.

I don't have TIME to blog!

I have to say though,

I was telling him tonight about all the bad luck that I had when I was dating.

and remembered,

for the second time since he came home,

WHY I had such luck.

I didn't date one decent guy since Before Kris.

(and I started dating Kris right before Ernesto left on his mission) 

I will just give you the first letters of their names while I tell this story...since these are not good things,

but I will go into a little detail of the history.

L-- The first guy I dated after Avery was born. She was four months old. We dated for approximately 3 weeks.  My roomates, specifically ONE, HATED him. I couldn't figure out why at first, but quickly realized what kind of guy he was and broke it off. The way he treated me afterwards wasn't what I would call nice. I ended up crying because of it, but quickly realized he wasn't worth it and moved on.

J-- He was very soon after L. We became pretty serious. I thought I was in love with him. We went ring shopping on the 4th of July, then, on the 5th of July (my birthday), he Broke up with me. I was COMPLETELY heartbroken.  He was the first guy I've ever had break up with me and I don't think that helped the situation at all.  However, now that I look back at it, I realize I only dated him because I wanted to be married. I thought that once I was married, dealing with Avery would be easier.  I realized a few months after we broke up that this was not true. I also realize now that I was DEFINITELY not in love with him. Not even close. He wasn't my type, and he has his priorities messed up. I feel sorry for him, but I hope that one day he can figure it out. I really do.

A-- After J, I quit dating. I was done with guys and planned on just never dating again. I didn't want a boyfriend. I knew that one day I wanted to be a mom, but for about 8 months, I didn't think it was worth the pain. I went on a few blind dates here and there, but never really made an effort with them. Then, one day my aunt said some things that made me decide that I should probably start dating again...even if I wasn't ready to get married, dating was the only way I would find my future husband when the time was right.  SO, I put myself out on the market. A, was the first guy I started dating after this.  I kept telling him that I didn't want anything serious, but he didn't get the hint. I told him that I wanted to date other people, but he still didn't get the hint...THEN, the day before Ernesto came home from his mission...was the day I found out he was coming home.  A asked me if he should be worried, since Ernesto was an Ex and immediately my response was "NO!" I didn't think there was anything there between me and him anymore so I seriously didn't think he had anything to worry about.  Obviously I was wrong. A didn't take it well. I didn't end things very well with him, but I know that he is find now so it's okay :)

I'm sure you're wondering why I tell you this.

WELL,

Ernesto told me that while he was on his mission, he prayed that I wouldn't get married while he was out. He PRAYED for this. I blame HIM for my bad luck while he was gone. Seriously. I BLAME HIM!!

haha.

He's sitting here,

waiting for me to stop typing cause he wants to cuddle.

SO please excuse me,

I would like to cuddle with my future husband.

But,

Blame him for my bad luck these last two years.

Because it's seriously ALL HIS FAULT!!!!

:D

It's okay though.

Cause in the end, he was worth it!

I'm slow...I know

Sorry ...I know I take forever to blog lately.

LIFE IS BUSY!!

Okay,

So we're getting married August 20th.

We seriously considered waiting until next summer...but then I decided that's stupid.
I don't want this extravagant wedding.

I just want to get it over with.

I HATE planning weddings.

They're WAY too stressful thanks :)

Then we thought maybe we'd wait until like October or November.

That's about as long as I think engagements should be.

But,

I don't want it to be cold!

August is the warmest month here in Utah.

I want a backyard reception.

So,

we're doing it in August.

for the right reasons.

If he had come home from his mission in January,

The wedding would have STILL been in the summer.

July or August.

Just so you all know.

We're getting married in the Salt Lake temple.

That is also something that took us a while to decide on.

It was originally Oquirrh Mountin Temple...

But my whole life I've imagined myself getting married in the Salt lake Temple.

and Ernesto doesn't care either way.

So we changed it :)

I'm Just SOO thankful that we CAN get married in the Temple.

It's a goal that I've had since I was a little girl.

That will NOT change.

It's important to us both and it will stay that way!

I know a lot have asked for a picture of us.

I put one up a couple of posts before...but none of you knew that was him!!

So,

I'll add some others.

We tried playing in the rain a couple of days ago.

That's what these are from.

(Sorry...this one is kinda blurry)

HEART IS FULL

I was going to write this post the day after mothers day,

but my life is so busy that I never had time to finish it.

SO I'm sorry.

In all honesty,

I was expecting birthmothers/mothers day to be BAD.

I was not looking forward to either of them and almost started crying everytime I would think/talk about it.

Here is an example of how my day actually went:

* I woke up.

[The night before at like one in the morning I posted my Adoption Video on facebook.

I felt like I should do SOMETHING for birthmothers day. Especially since it seemed most of the other birthmom friends I have on facebook were already doing it.]

I got on facebook before getting ready for the birthmom walk.

I had received probably 8 comments on my video from different people wishing me a happy birthmothers day and saying the SWEETEST things to me.

* One of my very good friends was coming with me to the birthmom walks. He brought me candy, gerber daisys, and a card wishing me a happy birthmothers day. I was SO grateful for that. It wasn't expected and I couldn't stop smiling when he gave them to me.

*We go to the birthmom walk and about10 minutes after getting there, Dustin Andrea and Avery showed up.  We were there for probably a good hour and a half. Avery was ADORABLE and we played with her forever. She is such a light in my life. I felt so peaceful after leaving. I'm SO glad that I can be a part of her life.

* When we were leaving Dustin Andrea and Avery gave me the SWEETEST gift. I got another Willowtree statue that I can add to my collection, Sour patch kids and the CUTEST cards. Avery drew me a picture. Just looking at it melts my heart. Few people can understand how much a picture like that means.

* When I got home from the Walk, I got back on facebook. I had 20 notifications! All of which were from people wishing me a happy birthmothers day and giving me SO much support. I couldn't even believe it. I had SOO MUCH SUPPORT. I got really emotional as I read them all. I can't even explain how grateful I am for all of you. Your support means more than words could ever express.

* I went to work my night shift at work that night...and my COWORKERS were the same way. MAN I love my job. I am SO lucky.

* The next day, Mothers day, Was my good friends homecoming. He just came home from his mission. He is in my ward too! So, I went to Sacramant. I was VERY worried about this to be honest. I wasn't planning on going because it was mothers day and I knew all of the talks would be on mothers. So when I found out his homecoming was this day, I was dreading it.  I got there late because I knew his talk would be last and I thought that might help ease the pain a little.  The last speaker before him was speaking.  Her talk really got to me. She explained in her talk that she understand that mothers day may be a difficult day for some. She made sure to be very sensitive towards this, while still explaining what a gift it is to be a mother.

*When Sacrament was over, they passed out the Annual mothers day gifts. The bishopric stood up and asked that all of the women 18 and graduated stand because they were going to receive that same gift. I LOVE my ward. They are so sensitive to my situation.  I don't think the bishopric even realized how much this meant to me. But I had a really hard time with this last year.  and even then, an amazing woman in my ward got a gift and gave it to me last year. She told me that I was still a mother regardless of whether or not I had a child that I was raising.

*At about 6 on Mothers day I brought Andrea her mothers day present. Avery was there and she was SO sweet. I seriously love the relationship I have with Dustin and Andrea. Thank you Dustin and Andrea. If it wasn't for you, I would not be where I am right now.

I would like to thank EVERYONE that helped me through this. Most of you don't even realize that you contributed. I LOVE everyone in my life. So if you're reading this, consider yourself one of those people.

I hope that your mothers day was as peaceful as mine. I hope that all of the women out there that are in a similar situation as me, or if your someone that feels mothers day is one of your LEAST favorite holidays, I hope you felt the peace that I felt. You deserve it.

 I felt so bad the next day. I was planning on doing the same for all you mothers/expectant/hoping to adopt mothers...but that day was busy. and now I feel kind of selfish. So consider this, a HAPPY BELATED MOTHERS DAY to all of you!!

CLARIFICATION...

Remember this post?

I've had a lot of negative comments relating to this specific part:

5. Don't complain about being a mother

I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain.

After reading it again, I realize that I put this a little harshly...I do understand that being a mother is an incredibely difficult job. I was not trying to say that I'm better than you because I placed my baby for adoption (obviously not..considering I was in that situation in the first place!) I wasn't trying to say that at ALL...I think I was just a little bothered about someone complaining to me before...but I really did not mean to sound so harsh. I have a lot of respect for mothers...but I'm also VERY envious. That is what I was trying to say.

 

To Elaborate a little, I want to just give an example of a mother that, has no personal experience with Adoption, yet is still SO grateful to be a mother.

My coworker and friend Krista.

She is a mother of one going on two and she has a blog.
THIS particular post is what I would like to focus on.

This post explains her frustrations.
It's HARD to be a mother.
I understand that.

But there is a difference between letting out your frustrations
vs complaining about being a mother.

I hope this clears thing up.
and
I hope that those of you that were offended, understand a little better what I meant by this statement.

I also hope that everyone understands that I don't think I'm better than others, including other mothers, because I placed for Adoption.  I didn't mean to sound that way and I definitely do NOT think this about myself. 

Forgive me?

To Anonymous/why I love my ward.

DISCLAIMER:

To my blog supporters.

This is a very mean post.

read at your own risk.

In Gospel Doctrine today,

we learned about the importance of families.

I have mentioned "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" before,

but I'm going to do it again.

We focused on this the entire time.

-set that aside for just two seconds,

I have been troubled by "Anonymous" who feels it is necessary to let me know how wrong she thinks I am...boy am I glad I went to church today.

Back to my the Lesson.

we were talking about the Proclamation.

a discussion arose about how others interpret families and children.

Here is why I love my ward:

People, one after another, started going off about what a blessing it is to be a parent.

They went on to say that although it is a hard job, it is also very rewarding.

they focused on the positive.

Back to Anonymous,

here is your problem Anonymous (who btw, is obviously ashamed to put your real name),

You focus on all the negativity that comes with being a mother.

You never focus on the good, which causes you to become very ungrateful for what you have.

There was a woman in the class thats Husband died about 2 years ago.

They were only able to have one child on their own, so they adopted their other two.

Since her Husband died,

she said that she doesn't know what she would do without her kids.

they have kept her going.

She is SO Greatful to be a mother

Not one person said something negative about being a parent.

I am SO LUCKY to be surrounded by those kinds of people all the time, instead of people like you, Anonymous.

You say that I'm being self-righteous for asking others not to complain to me about being a mother?

HOW is that self-righteous???

I placed Avery with Dustin and Andrea WILLINGLY, because that was what was best for her!

It in NO WAY was what I wanted.

I want to be a mother, more than ever now because of this experience.

DO NOT criticize me and make me (and other birthmoms) feel the way you have made me feel for the past 24 hours unless you have been in my shoes.

Unless you have experienced what I have experienced, DO NOT judge me.

You don't know me.

I never said that being a mother isn't hard,

but I do know that it is a lot more rewarding.

I don't care if I have never experienced it, I know that much.

I can't believe I contemplated never blogging again because of you.

I don't know why I allow people like you to make me feel the way you have.

Quite frankly,

I recommened you be grateful for what you have.

It seems you have children of your own.

Be grateful for them.

Some people would die for what you're so unappreciative of..

Really??

I don't understand people sometimes.

My What Not to Say to a Birthmom post has really upset some people.

I don't know what it is.

maybe it's hard for them to accept that complaining about being a mother is offensive/hard for some people to hear?

I don't know,

but I just want to clear something up.

5. Don't complain about being a mother

I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain.

This number has really upset a few people.

I want to say right now that I did not make that post to cause angry feelings.

I made that post to help others understand what is hard for birthmothers to hear.

I can't emphasize enough that hearing someone complain about being a mother is hard to hear. It's simple enough.  I'm not saying that it's horrible to complain about it because I know it is not an easy job.  I never ever said it was.

I'm saying I don't like to hear it.

So don't complain to me.

It's as simple as that.

I just wanted to make that clear.

The last comment I received about that issue has really offended me.

I feel like this person really misinterpreted what I'm saying.

It upsets me that people can't understand how that would be hard to hear.

But apparantly I have offended them.

So, I wanted to clear it up.

If they still don't understand,

then they don't have to read my blog...or talk to birthmothers.

It wasn't me.

I had a conversation with my mom today while were running errands.

I have been trying to figure out how to respond to all of the compliments from people telling me that I'm amazing for placing Avery for adoption...especially when it's face to face.

It's hard to come up with a response to that.

They are the sweetest comments I have ever recived,

and believe you me, I am very very flattered and feel good hearing it,

but it's hard to respond because of the way I feel about the whole thing.

After talking to my mom though,

I was able to find the words I needed,

and I'm going to try to explain here.

There is so much I want to say...but here is my attempt.

It's not me that is amazing.

It is This Gospel.

I was carried through the entire adoption process.

I look back today and think "How did I do that?"

But then again,
I know how.

It wasn't just me doing it alone.

The minute I realized that adoption was the right decision,

The minute I met Dustin and Andrea,

I was carried through it all.

Prayer.

without it, I wouldn't have felt the peace I felt.

I just want to quote a scripture.

1 Nephi 18:3

And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did pray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things.

Not only was I constantly praying, but other were praying for me. 
I was told that all of the time and I have so much gratitude for all of them.

I think back to how I felt during the whole process.

the peace that was in my heart,

the surety that I was doing the right thing.

I wouldn't have felt that way if it was just me doing it alone.

This Gospel was my help.

I couldn't and wouldn't have done it without it.

I wouldn't have had the strength.

I asked, and I received this strength.

3 Nephi 14:7

Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened.

Prayer is such a powerful thing and so is This Gospel.

Dustin and Andrea don't have me to thank,

they have The Savior; The Gospel.

The love I have for Avery is so real.

I love her more than anything else in this world.

But I know she is not mine.

She is, and always has been, Dustin and Andrea's Daughter.

She was meant for them and their family for eternity...

and thanks to The Atonement and This Gospel,  she is.

It is so hard to explain how I feel about it.

Don't get me wrong,

It makes me feel good when people tell me I'm amazing!

I helps the self confidence a little.

But I just felt like I needed to make this clear.

I am a different person because of this experience,

but I am in no way amazing.

I didn't do it alone.

I couldn't have done it alone.

So those of you that think you could never do it,

I assure you that if you allowed the Spirit into your heart,

you could.

Because with the Saviors help,

We can overcome anything.

I am sorry

The last couple of weeks, I feel like I have (subconsciously) removed myself from the adoption world.

I think that my mind/body/spirit needed a break from the pain that I have felt lately.

Adoption is an amazing thing.

truly amazing.

I'm so grateful to be a part of it.

But I think that I removed myself to try to heal my heart.

It's been hurting.

Of course I have continued reading Dustin and Andrea's blog,

and I continue to think about Avery everyday.

But,

I feel that I have disconnected from the adoption world.

It's too hard to think about sometimes.

It's too hard to relive the experience.

But I've come to realize that adoption is a part of me.

I can't live without it.

I guess what I am trying to say is

I am sorry.

I'm sorry if I have seemed distant.

I'm sorry if I have not read/commented on your blog lately

I'm sorry if I have disappointed my blog readers, who have been an endless support to me.

It's hard to explain how much it means to me that I have such incredible support through blogging.

It's really, very comforting.

I hope I have not let you down.

and it's NOVEMBER; Adoption Awareness Month nonetheless!

I'm going to work on doing better.

and for the rest of the month,

I'm going to try to dedicate a post to a couple trying to adopt. Everyday.

Afterall,

you never know who could be reading :)

Why I have a blog

I was offended by a friend the other day due to a comment made about my blog.

I felt like I was being belittled because of certain things I have had to overcome.

I was told-indirectly- that this post was inappropriate and that I should not have posted it for the world to see.  I was told to pretty much get over it.

I have been thinking a lot since this comment was made.

Then I came across an interview for Mrs. R. She said so perfectly what I have been trying to put into words. here.

(thanks Andrea for posting it.)

Here is the part of Mrs. R's interview that I couldn't have said better myself:

"...There is something about writing for me that is so healing. There is power in owning your story. There's healing power in thinking about your experiences and emotions and putting words to them. It helps you define and process how you feel."

This is why I made that post.

It's why I PUBLISHED IT.

I even said in there that I may regret posting it.

But, to be quite honest,

I didn't regret it and felt a lot better doing so...until that comment was made.

This is my blog.

because of this,

I may talk about some things that are personal to me.

(not too personal, because I know my blog is not private...for good reasons, but yes, personal)

If you do not agree with my blog do not read it.

If you do not agree with my post, don't rip on me for posting it.

Just simply click the little X on the top right hand of your screen and it will remove it from your view.

Amazing what technology does these days.

If you don't want to see it,

you don't have to.

Luckily,

for the most part I have such great supporters.

99% of my blog readers are SO supportive and I love you all for it.

I'm so greateful for the amazing friends and support I have found through blogging.

So thank you to the rest of you :)