Infertility

Okay here's a post that I hope I can put into words.

 

I really really have been struggling with how to put these emotions into words and I'm going to do my best to get them out once and for all right here!

 

First things first,

I'm pregnant.

8.3 weeks to be exact.

We were trying this time and the excitement overwhelmed the both of us!

 

Smiles were glued to our faces for days!

We are so excited to welcome this next little one into our family!

 

However,

while all this excitement has been going on,

in the back of my mind there's been one thing.

Something that came completely to the surface today and it's to the point where my excitement and joy of being pregnant is being overcome with guilt and unworthiness.

 

I'm surrounded by many people in my life who struggle with infertility.

many INCREDIBLE people.

We announced our pregnancy on facebook on November 1st.

 

It's now the 3rd and I'm feeling really guilty about doing so. 

Not because anyone has said anything, because they haven't!

 

But because everytime I read a blog post from one of my incredible friends about their infertile struggles, or everytime I talk to a loved one who struggles with this, I feel like my telling them or even TALKING about my pregnancy only reminds them of these struggles. I don't want to be that person!

 

I think about how incredibely amazing this people are and I just keep wondering why??

It doesn't make sense why this happens.

 

I seriously could not thank the Lord enough for the tremendous blessing I've been given, but I feel guilty because there are MANY people out there much more deserving than me.

 

I feel almost like I'm flaunting it in everyones faces.

Like, whenever I say anything about my pregnancy on facebook or anywhere for that matter, that I'm showing off something that only hurts them more.

 

I don't want to be the reason for pain or heartache.

I don't want any of my friends to get on facebook and feel a stab of pain because of something I've posted. I don't want that!

 

I broke down tonight after reading a friends blog and I tried to run upstairs before Tyson could see me because I didn't want to admit out loud why I was really crying...but he caught me and forced it out of me. 

 

He proceeded to tell me that the Lord gives us our blessing and trials for a reason and that I shouldn't feel guilty because it's not my fault...

 

but I already know that! I know it's not my fault...but I still feel like I'm a constant reminder of what infertile couples don't have and refraining from talking about it to them or on facebook, would prevent any unneccesary kind of pain.

 

I'm just writing this point because I really need to get my feelings out.

I don't know what to do...

 

If anyone has suggestions for me, I would be MORE THAN GRATEFUL to hear them.

I need to know if there's anything that is said by someone who is pregnant that only causes pain to those dealing with infertility. I need to know if it would be better if I didn't post anything else about my pregnancy, cravings, etc on facebook.

 

I'm SO SO excited and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to bring another child into this world. I really don't know how to make that more clear, so I hope that whoever reads this, doesn't take it in thinking that I'm not realizing what I blessing this is, because I do!! I just don't want to hurt anyone in the process of enjoying and experiencing my blessing...

20 weeks

HALF WAY!!

Yeah,

that's crazy.

I feel like it's taken forever,

but at the same time...

thinking that I only have that same amount of time to go...

seems like it's come really fast!!

We are all ready to meet our little girl,

but then again...we are SOOOO not ready!!

haha

We still need to get into our house,

set up the nursery,

and finish buying all of the stuff we need for her!

Good thing we still have 20 weeks right??

Slowly but surely things are moving along with this house.

Once we get in,

I feel like we are going to have to hit the ground running to prepare for her.

I gotta say,

I don't think I stress more in my life than I do when I'm pregnant.

Maybe it's just the hormones...

but seriously.

I feel like everything is like...WAY worse than it is.

I'm hoping that is normal!

My Aunt MJ told me that fish oil pills or whatever those are...

are supposed to help calm you down a little.

I'm going out with her on Monday and she's going to bring me some.

I'm hoping those work!

I seriously feel so stressed out ALL OF THE TIME!!

It's starting to really make me forget about everything that is working out RIGHT...

because I'm focusing so much on all of the negative.

I hate it.

But at least I'm recognizing it right?

....I think?

haha

Things are going really well for us actually...it's just a lot at once!

The one thing I am more passionate about than Adoption...

The incredible Stefanie made a post yesterday.

I gotta say it hit home for me more than ANY other post I've ever read.

If you want me to lose complete respect for you in less than 10 seconds,

just say these four word to me:

"I've had an Abortion"

I in no way see my losing respect for you as judgemental.

WHY?

Because if you have had an abortion,

it seems quite obvious that I care more about that Child you've killed more than you.

Which is quite sad.

I can't imagine someone loving my child more than me.

Abortion is the one thing that I can honestly say I am more passionate about than Adoption.

Adoption is the BEST option!

I love it SOO MUCH!

But I would never ever say that someone was wrong,

or being selfish if they chose to single parent.

That is there decision and that is them doing what they think is best.

and it very well could be.

But Abortion??

There is NOTHING anyone can say that will make me think that is a good option to choose.

It is NOT best for that child they are carrying.

That Child isn't even being born!

Instead they are bruttally murduring it.

yeah,

I gotta say,

I don't know anyone that wants to be murdered.

Do you?

has anyone walked up to you and said

"I wish someone would murder me today."

Or better yet,

has anyone ever said

"I wish my mom had just had an abortion when she was pregnant with me."

yeah,

didn't think so.

Before I go on,

I would like to admit that my writing skills have hit the toilet.

I don't know why but I can't seem to write what's on my mind as well as I used to...

I'll call it pregnancy related. ha.

Because of this,

I've decided that I'm just going to show this video.

I am SO passionate about this that the best way for me to state my feeling is by showing this chilling video.

I watched it when I was pregnant with Avery.

I cried all day after watching it.

I couldn't believe that someone would do this to a child.

I am pregnant again.

I gotta tell you now that I can't watch it.

I have a child inside of me right now.

She is moving as we speak.

She is playing around in my belly and getting bigger every day.

It kills me to even entertain the thought that this happens to other baby's like her.

I am getting emotional just typing it.

It kills me to think that when I was pregnant with Avery,

people chose this option over Adoption.

I can't imagine EVER doing this to Avery,

to my CHILD.

To something that is COMPLETELY depending on me...

and this is how you show them that you care?

The video is long, but it's facts. WATCH IT if you don't believe abortion is murder.

After watching this,

you tell me if it's still just TISSUE that you're getting rid of.

19 Week Ultrasound

I'm 19 weeks.

(almost half way!!)

We had our 19 week Ultrasound on Thursday and things look great!

Kali hates Ultrasounds.

She's turned her back towards us in both of them, little stink!

Nonetheless,

the Ultrasound tech got what she needed and Kali is completely healthy.

and yes it's still a girl!

haha

With my dang belly getting so freaking big,

you'd think that Tyson would have been able to not only feel her kick,

but SEE her as well.

But,

my uterus just likes to grow!

However,

Kali is growing and I'm feeling her more and more.

and YESTERDAY,

Tyson finally felt her kick!

We were waiting to be seated at Chilis,

and were sitting in the front,

and all of the sudden she started moving around a whole bunch.

So I put Tysons hand on my Belly

and he finally felt her!

I was so glad.

:):)

Then,

that night,

I was taking a bath and she started kicking a whole bunch again.

and I actually saw my belly move.

I was so excited.

But it only moved the skin once so Tyson hasn't seen THAT yet.

I felt her move more than I ever had before yesterday

and today I've been feeling her a lot more...

which means she's growing...

which means it's getting closer.

In other news,

I got my hair done on Thursday too.

I changed it a lot...

more than I have in years!

It's closer to my natural color.

I little darker,

but this way I decided that if I'm unable to go get it done again,

(because we are trying to get a house...which we'll know for SURE if we are approved in less than 60 days)

Then it won't be obvious or look bad when my roots come in.

I've had a hard time getting used to it,

but most every else seems to like it...

especially Tyson. and he's really the only person I care about liking it!

19 weeks.

18 week Dr Appointment and the Best husband ever

I had my 18 week appointment yesterday

and I have my 20 week Ultrasound next week

(I'll be almost 20 weeks by then)

Everything looked good and good news,

my heartburn has lessened quite a bit within the last month!!

It was pretty bad,

but now it's pretty bearable.

Kali was hiding from the Dr when he tried to find her heartbeat.

It took a bit to find it and I'm not gonna lie,

I panicked just a bit when that happened.

But that's pretty normal. Especially for me.

I seriously worry about EVERYTHING.

It really is such a miracle that my little girl is growing in my belly...

it doesn't feel possible so I constantly worry that something is going to happen to her!

(It's apparant that it doesn't get better with each pregnancy. haha)

So,

things went well with that.

Then,

when I got home, I began feeling incredibely sick.

My little brother just tested positive for strep throat...

so I'm thinking it could be that.

I have a sore throat and everything,

but I also have a headache,

nausea

and extreme congestion.

I'm sure the Nausea is pregnancy related,

and I've had headaches before,

 but NOT like this!!

Anyway,

the point is I was feeling sick

(and it's only gotten worse today)

I got home around 4:30,

and Tyson got home at about 5:30.

When he got home,

he seriously waited on me more than ever.

Not only had he been working hard at work all day,

but then he comes home,

makes me a grilled cheese sandwich and soup

tickles my back,

gives my Tylenol,

prepares a bath for me

and makes sure I have everything I need.

Then,

when I remember that I made plans with Keara to play games with her and some other friends,

he drops what he's doing to relax,

and says we should go.

So,

he tells me I look beautiful,
(When I have wet hair flailing everywhere, no make up on and I'm in ugly pj's

It's obvious that's not the case! haha)

He tells me not to change,

and we go play games until we decide we need to go home to go to bed so we won't be tired for work.

THAT was only yesterday.

Today,

he worked way late,

in the freezing cold, on the roof of a store, in a blizzard.

He calls me when he's driving home and knows i'm sick so he picks up some dinner,

brings it to me in bed

and

makes sure I have everything.

Just like he did yesterday.

I absolutely LOVE him.

I definitely don't deserve someone so incredible.

He's gonna be an incredible Dad.

I love you Tyson!

I'll post another pregnancy picture next time :)

Just in time

I'm back!

Turns out,

the WiFi on my computer decided to break.

Fixing it was cheaper than we thought though.

It just took a bit to figure that out!

and we did.

Just in time for Christmas :)

Not much has been going on with the pregnancy.

Everything it pretty much the same.

Our next Dr Appointment is next week.

For now,

we are going to enjoy the Holidays this weekend!

I'll update more afterwards.

Merry Christmas!

It's a...

15 weeks.

I really don't look forward to what I'm going to look like at 40 weeks!!

SOO,

We found out what we are having today!

According to the poll on this blog,

the # of votes for a boy won with flying colors!

72% voted BOY!

and

27% voted GIRL!

I myself predicted boy as well.

We got to Fetal Foto's a 6:30

and when they brought us into the room,

I felt like I was going to throw up.

I was SO nervous and SO excited all at once.

Tyson and I had gone out to get Mexican food right before.

I hoped that eating spicy food would make sure the baby wasn't shy enough to hide their Gender!

haha.

Not sure if that was the reason or not,

but once she put the Ultrasound recorder on my Belly,

the first thing the baby showed us was its cute little booty.

Something about seeing our baby for the first time,

on the screen,

caused me to want to cry of amazement.

The Ultrasound tech moved the camera around just a bit and there it was.

The result of our babys Gender.

We are having a.....

GIRL!!!!!!

When this result was made known to me,

I immediately started bawling.

I couldn't BELIEVE IT!

I still am having a hard time coming to terms with it.

We are having a girl!!

I was SO convinced that it was a boy.

She was up on that screen posing for a few minutes,

but kept turning her body so we could only see the back of her.

She started getting a little shy :)

We already had her name picked out.

Our little girl is going to be

Kalista Jean.

We'll call her Kali for short.

So,

 Kali Jean

I can't even begin to express my excitement.

Tyson can't stop smiling and we are just the happiest people on the planet right now.

After seeing our sweet baby,

we are actually realizing that we are

HAVING A BABY!!

I'm already so in love with her and can't wait to cuddle her!

14 Weeks

I'm hoping it's just my computer because it has a wide screen...but I AM aware that my belly looks way to big for only being 14 weeks.

or maybe it's the shirt.

I'll keep making excuses to feel better.

haha

I had my Dr Appointment today.

I gained 1 pound!!

(haha yeah I was suprised it was only that much as well)

My feeling that this baby is incredibly active

was most likely presumed correct.

When the Dr was getting ready to listen to the heartbeat,

I told him that I've already been feeling the baby kick.

Just little flutters every now and then.

The Dr seemed suprised,

and I could tell he was thinking "that's just gas"

(ha)

But after setting the doppler on my belly,

the baby started kicking the thing like crazy.

I think he believed me after that.

Since I work there,

I listen to the heartbeat when I'm working.

and the last few times I've tried to hear it,

the baby would kick the doppler and move.

So I wouldn't be able to listen to it for very long cause the baby would move out of the way.

I've decided,

whatever the gender

(even though I'm pretty set on what I think it's going ot be)

This baby is going to have Tysons characteristics as far as energy goes.

If any of you know him,

you'd know exactly what I'm talking about!!

Anyway,

Things are going well.

I love seeing Tysons face when he hears the heartbeat.

8 more days until we find out...

BLUE OR PINK!?!

Baby Update

I received a question on Formspring asking me why I don't update about my pregnancy on my blog.

I wasn't going to for several reasons,

but after a lot of thought,

I've decided that this is my blog.

It's like my journal.

I know I will want to tell my baby about the experience.

So I'm going to start doing so.

and I have a bit to catch up on!!

I know it's still November,

but as of now, I don't have any other "Hoping to Adopt" requests so I figured I should probably start keeping this pregnancy up to date! :)

Since a couple of days before finding out I was pregnant,

I've been sick.

It's gotten worse as time goes on which is completely normal.

I'm told that being REALLY sick like this, means the baby is healthy!

So that's helping me a bit. 

It wasn't like this with Avery.

Granted I was sick, but nothing like this.

I have been so sick, that I've lost weight.

I lost 5 pounds at my 10 week appointment.

The Dr. Said that if I lose anymore, he's going to put me on an IV.

I would really prefer to NOT be on an IV, so I've been desperately trying to gain weight

(first time in my life I've had to do that! ha)

Not sure if it's working.

I throw up a lot.

I threw up blood a couple of days ago

because my Esophagus is SOOO raw.

I just started taking medicine for that so I'm hoping that gets better.

We find out on December 10th what the baby is!

As you may or may not have noticed,

There is a poll on the right side of my blog.

VOTE!
I want to see what the results are.

The poll ends the day we find out.

We're so excited!!

I'm now 13 weeks and counting.

I've already starting feeling the baby kick.

Just little flutters every once in a while.

I can't WAIT until it's hard enough to nudge the skin!!

I can't wait until Tyson can feel it!

My next Dr appointment is December 2nd,

so pray that I have at least not LOST more weight!! 

October.

This time of month brings back so many memories and emotions.

Everytime I go outside,

I am reminded of two years ago...

When Avery was almost born.

I am overcome with such a peaceful, quiet, sacred feeling everytime I feel the cool air hit my face.

I want to cry when I smell the crisp fall weather settling in.

The way I felt at this time two years ago,

is unexplainable. 

I will not ever be able to find the right words for it.

The Spirit was with me so strongly.

The things that happened during the month of October two years ago were the most sacred, spiritual, hardest things in my life.

It proved to me how strong I can be when I have to be.

It proved to me how much the Lord loves me.

It proved to me that with the Lords help, I can honestly do anything.

When the weather starts to change from summer to fall,

I feel it almost immediately.

The peaceful feeling I had with me during October of 2008,

 is brought back whenever I walk outside and I just want to sit outside, close my eyes and remember it all. 

Last year,

this feeling was hard for me.

Even though it was a peaceful feeling,

all I could think about was what a difficult time it was.

My heart still ached tremendously.

Now,

it's a different feeling.

I want to, and sometimes do, cry when I feel the cool fall air on my face, 

but it's not of pain.

It's of peace.

It's of amazement.

It's of LOVE.

COMPLETE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

This year,

I am pregnant again.

BUT,

Instead of the end of my pregnancy this month,

I'm at the beginning,

and

Instead of carrying someone else's child,

I am carrying MINE.

MY CHILD.

Although I believe that hormones have a lot to do with crying so easily this month,

I don't think it's JUST hormones.

This month will always be the most life changing month of my life.

October is always a month I look at with such peace.

My best friend passed away this month,

and I placed the one person I loved more than anything,

with another family.

It's something I will always always remember this way.

whenever the weather changes to fall,

I don't think I will ever look at again as I did before 2008.

Sick Night

Last night at about one in the morning,

I woke myself up because I was crying in my sleep.

As I sat up to recognize my surroundings,

a wave of nausea came over me and I quickly laid back down.

Tyson was up, sitting next to me in a split second.

He asked me if I was okay.

I could hardly speak because I knew that if I did, I would throw up.

After taking a couple of minutes to breath,

I told him that I was feeling really sick.

"What can I get you?"

He asked me in the sweetest voice ever.

I just looked at him again, trying to catch my breath again...

and explained that I had heartburn.

He was up in a second

and came back almost immediately with Ginger ale and tums.

After taking a few sips of the ginger ale and popping a couple tums in my mouth,

the nausea began to subside.

While I laid down trying to fall back asleep, trying to ignore the want to puke,

Tyson laid down besided me,

and tickled my back until I fell asleep.

This wasn't the first time I've been sick.

I was sick before I even found out I was pregnant.

But it was probably the worst it's been.

I'm not complaining.

In fact,

I'm SO GRATEFUL.

Being sick is proving to me that I'm pregnant.

if I wasn't sick,

I think I'd be worried.

I'm SO GRATEFUL for this experience

and

I'm SO GRATEFUL for my husband.

I have an incredible husband.

Someone that is there for me when I need him.

When I was carrying Avery,

I didn't have someone to tickle my back as I tried to fall asleep after waking up sick.

I didn't have someone there for me to grab me tums, or something to help my nausea.

I did have Dustin and Andrea.

They were there for me as much as they could be,

and were SOO AMAZING with helping me with anything they could during the pregnancy.

but having a husband,

that can be there when I need something in the middle of the night,

That can help me when I'm sick,

that's how it should be.

I'm so so grateful for him.

I'm so grateful for this child.

I'm so grateful to the Lord for giving me them both.

I'm so grateful for Adoption.

For it tought me to be grateful.

I know for a fact that if I didn't experience Adoption,

I wouldn't appreciate these experiences,

the small things,

and being sick...

Like I should.

I blame Nuva Ring!! :)

This post is officially life changing.

This post may also be a little TMI for some,

but I have to include it all so that it's understandable.

So,

let's go back to about June of this year.

I had been to my Doctor appointment and we had decided on the Nuva Ring for birth control,

and

I started it just a couple of weeks later.

At the beginning of August,

I took it out for my period,

and

a week later,

I replaced it with another one.

That week I began spotting.

That spotting turned in to bleeding.

That bleeding turned into..bleeding harder than even a normal period.

So,

I began freaking out and called the Doctor on Call.

He told me to take out the nuva ring and he would call in something to stop the bleeding.

Well,

I went to take out the Nuva ring...and it wasn't there.

SO,

I called the Doctor back and he told me to make an appointment with my doctor as soon as I could.

When I went to the Doctor,

he told me that it probably fell out with the bleeding.

HOW WOULD I NOT NOTICE THAT!?!?

Anyway,

at this point,

it's a week before the wedding...

I discussed my options with the Doctor and he said that because it was so close, nothing would be very effective.

SO,

we decided that we would just use Condoms until I started my period again.

THEN,

I would try the Nuva Ring again.

SO,

for the first month of our marriage,

we were going to use Condoms.

YEAH RIGHT!!

a whole month?

who were we kidding?

haha.

So,

we pretty much decided to risk it for a month.

Well,

Yesterday morning,

before I went to work,

I took a pregnancy test.

Here was the result:

My reaction was not how I expected it to be.

I started smiling and I couldn't stop!

(I was expecting more of a HOLY CRAP THAT WAS FAST reaction ;))

It was 5:30 in the morning,

but I didn't care.

I ran in to Tyson and and woke him up and made him see it for himself.

After that,

I couldn't stay with him.

I had to go to work!!

The whole day at work was crazy!

I couldn't concentrate and all I could think of was how we were going to tell our parents!

After much help from my co-workers,

we decided to give them a bouquet of flowers, with a card with baby footprints on them,

saying congratulations Grandma and Grandpa!

and then the pregnancy test.

It worked out pretty well!!

We recorded it,

but for some reason, my computer won't accept the memory card it's on.

Hopefully I'll figure it out eventually.

So,

The point of the story,

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!!

Can you believe it??

We hardly can!!

According to the 'due date finder' or whatever it's called,

(I got it as a gift when I was pregnant with Avery,)

We are due May 30th!

I honestly don't think it's hit me yet.

We found out we were pregnant on our one month anniversary....!!!