Fall

I know it's been a while since I've posted here, 

but I'm feeling the need to do it now. 

Every year towards the end of September,

I begin a process.

It's like the Grieving process all over again. 

Every. Year.

It takes about an hour for me to drive to work every week.

I work every Friday night and for the past two weeks,

just minutes into the drive,

I have ended up crying my eyes out. 

Let me explain.

October 11th 2008, 

Keltson died

October 28th 2008, 

Avery was born.

I have come to one conclusion. 

This year, my grief has been significantly different for both subjects.

You'd think that since it's been 4 years,

I'd have come to terms with the fact that Keltson is gone.

I mean,

I'm happily married and I have a beautiful family.

I'm SO incredibly in love with my Husband.

Seriously,

he was made for me.

He gets me and understands me more than anyone else in this world.

Even ME sometimes.

So please don't take it the wrong way when I talk about Keltson.

Keltson was my very best friend back in '08.

He was there for me during the time I needed a friend the most.

He made sure I had a friend during the most difficult time in my life. 

I can't even begin to express what an incredible person he was.

I know I know,

when someone dies, 

people tend to put them on a pedestal.

I know that I do that to a degree sometimes,

but every fall, 

I think about how I was able to spend he last few months of life with him.

and I'm not putting it on a pedestal. 

I just remember our conversations or our adventures at 2 am. 

I'm SO Grateful for him.

I needed him SO MUCH.
I was going through such a hard time in my life and I needed a friend JUST LIKE HIM.

I just hope it's normal that I'm having such a hard time accepting his death.

He was my best friend when he died. 

I'm sure I wasn't his, but he was mine.

He was my ONLY friend for a long time throughout my pregnancy with Avery.

He helped me through and I am so grateful to him for that. 

I just miss my friend. 

I really do. 

Tonight however,

I cried because of Avery.

It was different though.

Avery is where she is supposed to be and I have no doubt about that.

But feeling the crisp air on my face,

or the chill in the wind.

even the SMELL of fall,

brings back those memories of my days in the hospital with her.

I cry because I remember my heart breaking when I signed those papers.

When I left that hospital.

I remember the two months afterwards when every part of my motherly instincts were screaming and begging me to just go get her. 

But it always ends with me thinking

"At least I can say I still get to hug her, talk to her, hold her and play with her"

I love that.
I am SO glad we have an open adoption. 

I'm SO glad that I still get to see the little angel that made me who I am. 

She seriously opened my eyes to what's most important in life.

Even though she's not MINE,

she left her hand print right smack dab in the middle of my heart. 

Seriously. 

Avery is my little Angel and her hand print on my heart will never ever ever leave.

So as fall continues to bring back those feelings of my heart shattered on the floor,

with Avery, I don't think that will every leave.

To be honest, I don't really want it to.

That was such a spiritual time for me that when I think of it,

I remember what peace I felt through all of this.

as for Keltson...

well, I KNOW I'll never forget him.

ever.

But I do hope that one day I can accept the fact that he's gone.

I'm grateful for...#19

I have saved this one for last for a reason,

I'm grateful for Avery Leigh.

She is the reason that I am who I am today.

She is the reason I have grown the way I have.

She is the reason that I cherish Every moment of every day being a mom.

She is the reason that I look at motherhood with a whole new meaning.

Nobody else in this entire world could do to me what Avery has done.

I believe that her first mission on this earth, was to help me learn what it means to Sacrifice and what a blessing it is to be a mother.

I remember the day that I had with her in the hospital when it was just me and her.

I sat there holding her,

and she was staring up at me with what was most definitely,

a smile on her face.

I knew that she was aware of what I was doing and that she was grateful for it.

It was like she was speaking to me through her eyes.

I knew that I was doing the right thing for her.

I know her Spirit was speaking to me that day.

I just love her so much and I am so eternally grateful for her.

She changed my life forever,

and I am forever grateful for it.

I'm grateful for...#17

I'm so grateful for Eternal families.

Although Avery is a part of D&A's family here on this earth,

and I know that without a doubt;

I also know that we are all an Eternal Family.

I know that we will all eventually be a family,

because she was sealed to D&A in the Temple.

If I hadn't placed her for adoption,
she wouldn't have been sealed to me because her birthfather and I,

wouldn't have been sealed in the temple.

Adoption makes it so she is still able to be sealed to her parents.

I just love this Gospel. 

If this post is confusing beyond belief, try reading THIS.

I go into more detail and explanation there :)

I'm grateful for...#16

Although Adoption has helped me come to understand many things,

I think one of the most apparant and incredible things it has taught me,

is what a blessing it is to be a mother.

My whole life I have always wanted to be a mother,

but it wasn't until I was faced with the decision to place Avery for adoption,

that I really came to understand what an honor it really is.

Being a mother is the greatest gift God has given me.

I thank Him every single day for this wonderful blessing.

I thank Him for allowing me to go through this Adoption experience because it really has opened my eyes to what an incredible blessing it is.

Thinking of this brings tears to my eyes.

I'm grateful for...#15

I'm grateful for all around, Adoption blogs.

I know I've mentioned two in this list,

but it wouldn't be right to not mention all of the adoption blogs out there.

Every single one of them have an impact in one way or another.

I'm grateful and blessed to say that I get to be a part of all of this.

It's an incredible thing. It really is and I am certain that reading some of these adoption blogs,

have helped me heal in ways that I can't even explain.

I'm grateful for...#14

I'm grateful for Adoption Advocates.

If you're friends with me on facebook,

you may have seen recently that I posted about the wife of a birth father,

who was being attacked by a birth mother/Adoptive mother.

She was telling her that because she wasn't a part of the adoption triad,

she should not be blogging about adoption.

That is absurd to say the least.

I was fuming angry at this nasty commenter.

How could she say that to someone that is only supporting her husband and adoption!?

I said some harsh words (which maybe I shouldn't have...but boy did she hit a nerve).

I just have to say that I'm SO grateful for those that haven't been affected by adoption first hand,

yet they still support it just as if they were.

Because they want to share how much they have been blessed by it through other people.

I'm grateful for...#13

I'm grateful for Other birthmothers.

Knowing that there's other women out there that can relate to everything is a HUGE blessing.

They have helped me get through some times that I wasn't quite sure how I was going to do it.

They've helped me know that I definitely was not alone and that there are other who have gone through it just like me.

I love that I have been able to interact with them,

one of which, has become an incredible friend.

<3 

I'm grateful for...#11

I'm so grateful for a Supportive Husband and Family.

Tyson has been supportive towards me since day one.

Since the moment he discovered I was pregnant, not only was he so forgiving,

but he made me feel like I was still important and that this did not define who I was.

He wrote me all through his mission and still helped me feel like I was wanted.

He was so forgiving I just can't believe how incredible he was and has been.

He continues to support me through everything and even comes with me to the adoption presentations (when he's not working) and shares his thoughts and feelings.

I just love him!

My family as well.

If it hadn't been for them,

I can honestly say I would have died.

I was so depressed numerous amounts of times and I could always count on my mom, dad or sisters to cheer me up. My mom was especially supportive and helped me through the entire pregnancy/labor.

I'm so grateful for each and every one of them.

I'm grateful for...#10

I'm grateful for Mrs. R.

I learned about her Through Andrea right towards the end of the pregnancy.

She has done so many things for the adoption world.

She has organized events, done everything she can to help birth parents and is an all around incredible woman. She helped me get through some tough times too and her blog has done so much good.

I'm grateful for...#3

I'm grateful for LDSFS.

The way they treat Birthmothers is so awesome.

They give us free counseling for life and not once have I ever felt like I was bugging them.

They treat Birthmothers like Gold.

It's been 3 years and I still feel like they would be there in a split second if I needed it.

I'm grateful for...#2

I'm grateful for Dustin and Andrea.

They have made the entire adoption experience so much easier than I could have ever dreamed.

Both of them always know exactly what to say when I come to them about something.

Whether it's adoption related or not,

they are incredible at getting through to me about anything.

I feel so blessed to have them in my lives.

Adoption brought them to me and I'm so grateful for it.

I have received lifelong friends through this experience.

Andrea and I have this relationship that I don't think anyone else in this entire world has.

It's brought me so much peace.

Our relationship goes so much further than just adoption and I know that not everyone can say that.

I don't know what I did to deserve the honor of knowing them,

but I'm so grateful for it.

I'm grateful for...#1

I'm so grateful for Open Adoption.

Without it,

I don't know where I'd be in my life.

Especially Emotionally.

I know without a doubt that if Open Adoption had not been available for me,

I would not have healed as well as I have.

I am 100% certain that Open Adoption is one of the biggest reasons I have been able to  move on with my life.

I'm so grateful for it and I am constantly thanking my Heavenly Father for this opportunity. 

Eternal Writers Cramp

I was just reading some of my posts from 2009,

and I gotta say...

I've really lowered my writing standards since then haven't I?

I feel as though I am not even the same person as I was back then.

Which, I'm not...

but can't I still have my same writing techniques?

I'm so BORING now and I just barely realized it!

I apologize to everyone for this mishap.

It's disappointing to the max.

Pretty sure college was helping me sound intelligent.

Maybe I should go back...

haha

I feel like my life has changed so much since then and I've had so much going on,

that I've put my blog on a back burner.

So when I DO update,

it's more like word vomit.

It's not pretty.

I hope that everyone can forgive me.

I'm really not the grumpy girl that's been updating the last year...

I've just lost my writing inspiration I guess :(

Wish I have parented?

I received a question on my last post,

that is a question I have also been asked a lot so I decided to answer it in a post as well.

The question was:

I can't help but wonder, now that you are married and a mom do you ever wish you could have parented Avery since now you have a two parent household for her? In hindsight, do you regret it or do you (or her adoptive parents) worry she might wonder why she was adopted and her sibling (through birth/blood) was not?

Short Answer: No.

Long Answer:

For those of you that are also LDS,

it's probably easier for you to understand this.

But I will try my best to explain it if you are not.

We understand that families can be together forever. The way to do that is to be sealed together for time and all eternity in the Temple. When we are married, instead of parting at death, we are sealed together for Eternity. Even After death.

This is something that I have a strong Testimony of. I am so grateful that we can be together forever. I can't imagine thinking that if my Husband or Family Member or Child were to pass away that we wouldn't be a forever family! It is so comforting to know that when a family member passes on, we WILL see them again and we WILL be a family forever.

So now let me explain something as far as Avery goes.

Avery's Birthfather and I would not have stayed together.

Our marriage would not have lasted. 

We wouldn't have been sealed in the Temple, which means we wouldn't be a forever family.

How do you think Avery would feel,

if she was the only one that was not sealed to her family?

Because Tyson and I were Sealed in the Temple when we were married,

Kalista was born into the Covenant which means she was born already sealed to us.

When Dustin and Andrea adopted Avery,

they were able to take her to the Temple and be sealed to her.

The only way that Avery would have been able to be sealed to us,

is if her Birthfather allowed Tyson to adopt her and let me tell you right now,

I know for a FACT that he would not have allowed that.

So that is one Major reason that I still know that Avery is where she is supposed to be.

Not once have I wished I had parented her now that she would be living in a stable environment.

Another reason is that just because she would still have a two parent home,

she would still be going to her birthfathers home every weekend.

She would still be passed back and forth.

I gotta say,

I'm having a hard time leaving Kali at my parents house over night for mine and Tysons Anniversary...

I would DIE having to do it every single weekend!

I hope this makes sense and that I'm not just rambling,

but marrying Tyson just confirmed to me that Avery is in the right place.

She is sealed to her parents.

and I know that as long as you are sealed to your family,

that everyone is a family in heaven anyway.

We're all brothers and sisters.

SO no,

I don't wish I had parented her.

not for one second.

But I love that girl so dang much!!

Which is why I don't regret placing her.

She is better off!

and when I see a post like THIS,

it just confirms my feelings even more :)

FSA Conference

We Attended the Families Support Adoption Conference this weekend.

It was fun!

We spent most of the time with Andrea and it's always fun to catch up with her.

Another awesome suprise was running in to Tysons case worker from when he was in Foster Care!

We had a really good long talk.

My husband is so amazing.

I'm always so in Awe at how incredible he has turned out after living the life he's lived.

I'm so lucky :)

Unfortunately,

I'm so so bad at this lately,

and I didn't take any pictures.

I took a total of ONE and it was this:

An adoptive mother gave me this Binky, because she thought Kali was the little one I placed for adoption.

But you know,

Technically,

I AM her birthmom!

hahaha.

It was a really good experience.

I always love those conferences.

and I love Andrea.

I always feel so lucky after talking to her.

I don't think there is anyone else out there that I would connect with as well as I do with Andrea.

I seriously can talk to her about anything. 

Kalista's Blessing Day

Kali's Blessing was Sunday,and Dustin Andrea and Avery came.

They saw our new place for the first time.

It was so nice seeing them.

Avery is getting SOO big!

She loves Kali and is the funniest little girl ever!

She has the cutest personality.

It's so crazy how big Avery is getting.

I swear she was just born yesterday!

I love that girl.

Two little Angels.

Bad Dream

WOW,

I was planning on updating this blog WAYY more than I have been.

Life has been BUSY getting ready for baby and all!

Anyway,

Last week,

I took a nap.

 (I've been doing it more frequently lately due to a passing out episode I had a couple weeks ago)

and I had a bad dream..about Avery.

It's been a long time since I even had a dream about her.

But this was a bad dream. I HATE those so much.

Anyway,

After waking up from it, ALL I could think about was that dream.

I missed her so much.

You know how when you have a bad dream about someone, you feel like you have to see them just to make sure it wasn't true?

Well,

that's what this was like.

I cried everytime that dumb dream came to my mind.

Finally I texted Andrea and asked if there was a way I could come visit them for a couple of minutes...so I could put my fears at ease.

She said that I could and she would text me when they got home.

About two hours later,

She called me and asked if I just wanted them to come over to my house because they were already out this way.

And they did!

They came here and were here for about an hour or so.

I am SOO grateful for them. It meant more to me than I can express.

I LOVE open adoption.

It makes things so much better.

The SECOND I saw Avery I forgot all about the dream and didn't think about it again.

It's so wierd how big she is getting.

While they were there I observed something.

Unless you KNOW Avery is adopted,

you'd never guess.

She looks a lot like Dustin and Andrea it's so crazy.

They just 'fit' together so well.

I love seeing that.

It's SO obvious they were meant for each other.

It's SO obvious that Avery always was and always will be THEIRS.

When she was here, she was introduced to all of the animals my parents have...haha

Bird, Dog and Snake.

She kept holding the bird..and then she would get nervous and want me to take him off...and then she'd want him again. It was so funny.

She even sat by the Snakes cage with her head right next to it, and when my brother took it out, she went to grab it!

She is definitely very outgoing. NOT SHY at all.

< 3

I have had a REALLY hard time doing this.

Every single comment I received on my last post,

made it harder and harder to just abandon my blog.

After reading all of the advice,

I feel like I've put all of them together and made a decision.

Before I received the 30+ comments on my last post and on formspring,

I was going to just completely move this blog to private and not allow any access...

then once we had the blog published,

I would delete it completely.

But...

now I feel like I'm being selfish.

It means a LOT to me that so many people have benefited from this

and to be honest,

I didn't realize it.

Since I still feel like it would be best for my family to have a private,

less controversial blog,

I have already created a new one and began making my personal posts there.

But I don't think I'll delete this blog.

At least for now.

HOWEVER,

I am going to moderate ALL of the comments I receive.

I will NOT publish the hurtful, mean comments.

I won't even finish reading them if I feel that they are moving to negativity towards who I am.

I CAN'T deal with those kinds of people anymore.

And,

this blog will be about Adoption.

So,

I probably won't post very much.

The only times I will is whenever I do something pertaining to adoption,

AKA speaking at high schools, on panels, attending an adoption related event, etc..

If you want to access my private blog,

comment on this post/send me and email with your blogger email address.

I can only have 100 readers on that blog.

I am HOPING I can keep it private.

I'm not sure how it will work so that my entire family can read it,

but I do NOT want negative comments on it.

We'll see how it works :S

But again, that blog will just be about my family and our lives.

I will post on there a BUNCH!

This one,

will not have as much activity. 

But I feel too guilty deleting it completly.

Especially if there are still other people out there that can benefit.

I honestly LOVE all of my readers.

I can't explain how helpful and sweet you all are to me.

I don't wanna just abandon you!!

I'm hoping this works.

If not,

I'm going to have to completely quit posting to this blog.

and I will only keep it up until I have it published.

I am grateful for all of the comments and advice received from my last post.

It really has helped me decide...

plus it's alot less painful for me to do it this way. :)

I didn't like my last decision and was having a REALLY hard time with it.

So,
I'm not going to completely delete it.
At least for now.
But if you want to read my personal blog,
comment/email me with your blogger email address
< 3

I think I've made the decision...

I'm 99.9% sure I'm going to delete this blog...

and create a private one for my family.

I will make that final decision by the end of next week.

I think I'm done dealing with all of the negativity that comes with blogging Publicly.

When I first created this blog,

it was SOO helpful.

A lot of healing took place.

A lot of growing and learning did as well.

But I've noticed,

as time has gone on,

it's turned in to something that I don't really care for.

Something that I don't want to be involved with anymore.

I don't like feeling attacked.

I don't like feeling the way I feel when I decide to "blog stalk",

and discover things in this world that are so evil I get physically ill.

THEN,

when standing up for my beliefs,

beliefs of mine that are SOOO obvious...

I'm criticized for THAT.

A blog is supposed to be like a journal.

It's supposed to be something I can write my thoughts and feelings on.

It's what I made it for in the first place...and it's no longer that.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to constantly stand up for things that seem so obviously right...

but for some reason,

aren't to other people.

I can't live of this world anymore.

I can only live my life,

with my family,

knowing what I know to be true.

I am just so focused on what really matters in my life,

which is my family and what is best for them,

specifically my sweet daughter that will be entering this harsh world soon.

I can't continue to take part in that. 

As I write this blog,

I think that I've already made my decision.

It's just getting myself to do it that is difficult. 

This blog has been my life for two years.

Almost exactly. 

It's going to be really hard to just delete it all and create my own private one. 

But I think I've come to the conclusion that it is what's best for my family.

I really appreciate the people that support me.  

I really love the people I've met through blogging and I wouldn't change it for the world.

But it's what's best for me and my family.

So it will be deleted by next week.  

This is really hard to do and is not an easy decision.

But I believe it is the right one.

Oh.
and
Promoting adoption?
well,
that's being done just wonderfully.

I don't need a blog to do that.

20 weeks

HALF WAY!!

Yeah,

that's crazy.

I feel like it's taken forever,

but at the same time...

thinking that I only have that same amount of time to go...

seems like it's come really fast!!

We are all ready to meet our little girl,

but then again...we are SOOOO not ready!!

haha

We still need to get into our house,

set up the nursery,

and finish buying all of the stuff we need for her!

Good thing we still have 20 weeks right??

Slowly but surely things are moving along with this house.

Once we get in,

I feel like we are going to have to hit the ground running to prepare for her.

I gotta say,

I don't think I stress more in my life than I do when I'm pregnant.

Maybe it's just the hormones...

but seriously.

I feel like everything is like...WAY worse than it is.

I'm hoping that is normal!

My Aunt MJ told me that fish oil pills or whatever those are...

are supposed to help calm you down a little.

I'm going out with her on Monday and she's going to bring me some.

I'm hoping those work!

I seriously feel so stressed out ALL OF THE TIME!!

It's starting to really make me forget about everything that is working out RIGHT...

because I'm focusing so much on all of the negative.

I hate it.

But at least I'm recognizing it right?

....I think?

haha

Things are going really well for us actually...it's just a lot at once!