Monday, August 15, 2011

Understanding what Adoption REALLY means.

I've been having numerous conversations,
with many different people lately about Adoption and what it means once a birthmom signs those papers.

After making the difficult decision to place her for Adoption and finding Dustin and Andrea,
I never once referred to Avery as my daughter.
Not once did I think of her that way.

I believe with 100% of my heart that Avery is and always has been Dustin and Andrea's Daughter.
She had to take a detour to get to them,
but she is NOT mine.

Signing the papers makes it so,
Even when you look at her,
it's so obvious that they are her parents.
If I didn't know any better, I would think that she was biologically born to them.
She resembles them SO much.
Nobody in my family thinks of Avery that way.
Kalista is my first child, My parents first Grandchild and my Siblings first Neice.
It's not to say that we don't love Avery.
We all do.

But it's a different kind of love.
Avery and I don't have the mother-daughter bond.
The love I have for her is unlike any love that many people will never experience.
I can't explain it.

But it's different because I know that she is Dustin and Andrea's daughter.
She was always meant for them.

So I guess the meaning for the post is this:

A lot of people misinterpret this.
A lot of people have made comments to us about how Kali isn't my only daughter, or my parents only Grand-daughter.

For those that don't understand this about Adoption,
they probably don't understand that this is very close to annoying.

It kind of frustrates me when I'm talking to someone about Kali and they refer to her as a 'little sister' or when they refer to Avery as my daughter.

She's not. I have a hard time explaining this because It's hard to make not sound like I don't love Avery. I DO! I absolutely Adore that girl! But I just feel like some people need to understand the way my family and I see this Adoption.

Once I signed those papers, she was no longer my daughter.
The papers clearly state that.
I willingly did that because I always knew that Avery was going to the right place.


Queen Mama said...

We talked about this yesterday on FB. I totally agree with you! Like I said, I feel like I am a surrogate.. you know?

Our Happy Family said...

You said it beautifully!!!!! I love this post you made. I tell people all the time that our daughter was always ours and was ours in Heaven. She just had to come down a different way. Thanks for posting this!

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

You are an amazing adoption advocate, Andee! Thank you for helping others understand.

Anna said...

I hope this question doesn't offend as I don't mean it to. I am just interested and curious about adoption. I can't help but wonder, now that you are married and a mom do you ever wish you could have parented Avery since now you have a two parent household for her? In hindsight, do you regret it or do you (or her adoptive parents) worry she might wonder why she was adopted and her sibling (through birth/blood) was not?

Andee said...

I will answer this question in either

1- A Blog post later when I have more time,
2- you can re-ask the question on formspring (in the black box on the right) and I can answer it there and more quickly

P.S. I'm not offended :)

A Life Being Lived said...

Andee, I share a lot of your feelings. I love my daughter to pieces (and I'm not even remarried or parenting a child) but I do not regularly refer to her as "my daughter" and even in the hospital I felt like she was her parents' daughter. I have been nervous to say that "out loud" because people misinterpret it, assume that I didn't want her or love her. Obviously when you decide to place you have to reframe your relationship with that child (or else you will never get through it or be able to do it in the first place) and I felt very strongly also that my daughter was meant to be her parents' child.

Ron and Jessica said...

Not every birthmother feels this way though - especially non LDS birthmothers who have only an earthly perspective.

Andee said...

You're absolutely right it's not what all birthmothers think, I never said it was. in fact, it was one of the many reasons I made this post.but that doesn't mean it's not what signing those papers means! :)