I received a comment on my Adoption Story the other day that really upset me.
It upset me because I couldn't possibly understand how ANYONE could have such negative feelings towards something that seems so obviously AMAZING.
This person criticized and completely downplayed the two most incredibly important, amazing and passionate things in my life. She ripped on the two things I hold so dear and close to my heart....
Adoption
and
My religion.
I have my comments set to be moderated for any post older than three days.
I do that ONLY so that I can see that I received a comment on older posts.
HOWEVER,
this lady thought that meant that I have it set so that I can decide which comments to post.
I have NEVER rejected a comment....until now.
She asked me that I have the "courage" to post it.
It has nothing to to with my having courage, but everything to do with the fact that I am not in a million years going to support the things she was saying..especially when she is bashing two of the most incredibly important things I hold so close to my heart.
Now on to some of the things she said. I am making this post because I want to explain to those of you that cannot see what a miracle these things are, how amazing they are. I am responding to this comment simply because I need everyone to know why exactly I have such strong feelings towards these two things.
Hear me out.
Before I start I would like to thank this reader for reading my blog, and also for stating their opinion. It does help me to know how to further educate others that read my blog about the miracle of adoption. I helps me remind myself that some do not understand the true miracle it is.
I would also like to point out that this has been the second person that has accused me of lying about the way I feel about adoption. The second person in a DAY. The first one simply said that I (and other birth moms that I relate to) were only saying what Adoptive Parents wanted to hear and not how we really felt.
This comment that was left, told me that first off, she was not being personal towards me..which I have taken VERY personally due to the fact that she is bashing the things that are personal to me and Second, well, I will copy and past the exact words:
"I don't want to hurt your feelings or to burst your bubble. I think you need to keep telling yourself how great this was to save your sanity."
If I did not love adoption. If I did not completely and 100% support it, if I had had a horrible experience, WHY in the WORLD would I create a BLOG and do everything that I POSSIBLY could to share with the world how amazing it is? Why would I go around promoting it, if I didn't feel strongly that the decision I made what
soo right? Why would I??
My religion has been such a great help and support to me through this incredibly difficult thing. I honestly and truly know that it is BECAUSE of my religion that I have been able to deal with it the way I have. I strongly believe that it is because of my religion that I am healing the way I am.
I know that there are many birth mothers out there that do not handle it well and have an incredibly difficult time with coping throughout there entire life. I want to tell you right now that yes, this experience has changed my life, but I am able to heal from it.
It's because of my religion.
The spirit has comforted me through my most difficult times.
Prayer has helped me.
I'm not in denial about the way I feel.
I honestly and truly can tell you with 1000% confidence, that I am doing GREAT.
here is another copy/paste from the comment:
"Then there is the very real problem of the illusion of open adoption. Andrea and Dustin and move away, change their phone number and shut you out at any time. They can join a religious cult, like my son's family did and raise her any way you like, no matter what they promise now or what you believe they will do. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but it certainly can and does happen."
I failed to mention beforehand that this lady is a middle-aged birth mom.
Let me say right now that I am sorry you regret your decision. Really I am. That must be hard.
I know with 1000% certainty that Dustin and Andrea are not going to shut me out of their life, or join a religious cult...
(unless the cult you are referring to is the
LDS church..in that case they had already joined when I picked them. IN FACT, I was looking for someone that was a member of this 'cult', because as you know, I am also a member.)
If they WERE to move away or change their number, we wouldn't lose contact. I don't know how else to explain on this blog that Dustin, Andrea and I are VERY close. A lot closer than most realize.
But even if that was the case,
even if they were to move away, shut me out of their lives, and never speak to me again,
Although I would be hurt, I still wouldn't regret my decision.
I KNOW it was the right
decison.
Now, Let's talk about my church.
Here is another Copy/Paste:
"My cousin, who is
LDS, became pregnant out of wedlock. She was strongly guilt-tripped and coerced into relinquishment. What is interesting to me is that the church was willing to pay for all of her expenses while she was willing to relinquish, but withdrew all support when she decided, with the help of her parents, to parent her son. That was heinous. Her son is now grown, well educated (
BYU grad), happy and doing fine. I read many adoption forums and blogs and find the
LDS to be one of the least supportive of those women who want to parent outside of marriage."
Let me Clarify something.
The
LDS church does NOT coerce or guilt trip you into doing anything.
If you are referring to her FAMILY guilt tripping or coercing her into relinquishment, that's not the church. That is her family.
The CHURCH did not withdraw support when she decided to parent. The only thing they would have done was stop paying for the insurance and doesn't that make sense? The Adoptive couple was technically paying the insurance. Why would they pay for it if they weren't getting a child in the end? Plus, every agency does this, whether they are through the
LDS church or not.
The Church Supports adoption.
That doesn't mean they force you to place for adoption.
I was NOT coerced into doing anything.
I made the decision completely on my own.
I went to
LDS family services the day after I told my parents I was pregnant and they did not try to force me to do one thing or the other. They were just simply there to talk about my options. They would have supported either decision, because when it all comes down to is, this was my child and my decision to make.
But they aren't going to pay for your insurance if you don't place..that doesn't make ANY sense.
The
LDS church has a Proclamation called
The Family -- A proclamation to the world.
Let me show you what that is. It really is so great and means a lot to me.
"We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children.
All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.
The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.
We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God's eternal plan.
Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. "Children are an heritage of the Lord" (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.
The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.
We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.
We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society."
Here is a talk also given by the first presidency:
--First Presidency statement, Oct. 4, 2006
To finish I would just like to say,
I do not feel coerced. I did not surrender my child. I lovingly and very willingly placed her in the arms of another. I do not suffer from unspeakable loss. I never will, i did not 'lose' anything. I am still a mother. I am still in love with my child. I gained family with Andrea and Dustin through the miracle of adoption. while i may suffer heartbreak and other feelings of grief and loss it is because of the biology and i am grateful for these feelings because they mean that i do love her so very much. There is a hole in my heart because a piece of me will always be with Avery, i don't want that piece back. i am happy to have that hole, it is hers and hers alone. I am well aware of adoptees feeling abandonment, i feel that that is probably a very real and a natural reaction to being adopted. I hope that she will not feel abandonment, and if she does i hope she will be able to seek out the help she needs to understand.
I believe that because of the open adoption and the relationship that i have had with her parents (even if it is severed in the future) will provide explanations and answers and knowledge and comfort to her as she explores who she and where she came from that the adoptees from the closed system will never have. I know her parents will teach and help her understand why I placed her for adoption, which will help her understand.
We believe in forever families and that we will live out the eternities together. We believe this is possible by powerful ordinances ordained by God himself. One of these is the sealing covenant performed inside the sacred walls of the temple. The sealing covenant allows family members to be sealed to each other. but in order to be sealed, first the man and wife must be sealed to each other and then the children are sealed to them. The sealing bonds are a means of protection, blessings and spiritual 'security'. I could never be sealed to Avery as a single mother. and most likely i could not ever be sealed to her even if i later married and was sealed to my husband later down the road. There are details concerning these specifics that i don't want to go into. But chances are super slim it could ever happen. I want Avery to be blessed by the sealing covenant. By placing her with her parents she is able to be sealed to them and receive those blessings forever. I am sealed to my parents. I am forever blessed and protected by this. I believe that my child deserves no less, so out of love i have placed her in the arms of another for all the reasons i have previously discussed but most importantly for this reason and this reason alone. Her being sealed is a gift i could not give her in any other way than this act of ultimate love and sacrifice.
That being said, Please don't belittle my beliefs and my happiness in my adoption story and where i am at in my life's journey. they are my experiences and i am grateful for them. Please don't belittle my sanity. Please don't belittle my religion, my religious beliefs or my practices, because they are something that i cherish. I am happy and blessed and at peace. And for that i am forever grateful.
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