Monday, February 9, 2009

The whole story. Part 1

This Saturday marks the 1 year anniversary of the day I discovered I was pregnant
(Yes it was on valentines day)
I have never told the entire story from beginning to end and I have had some people ask me to share my story.
I have been contemplating on whether or not I should really do this. I feel really weird and am really worried about it. But I'm taking the risk. This is a very personal thing, But I am told that other potential birth moms might read this. I want them to know my story.
(if anyone has negative feelings about this..please keep them to yourself.)
Thank you.
(warning: it's going to be long, and the names are not changed)
I am a horrible writer. so beware.
Here is part 1:
(part 2 is tomorrow)
It was valentines day.
(I bought a box of pregnancy tests earlier that week because, after the terrible day we made the mistake, I had been paranoid about being pregnant. which is wierd since we only messed up once. once.)
While I was getting ready I was thinking about the pregnancy tests. At this point I had taken one and it had come back negative, so I was sure I wasn't but I wanted to be absolutely positive. I grabbed one of them, looked at Kris and told him I was going to take it just to stop me from stressing out so much.

I took the test, and about 3 minutes later looked at it and I only saw one line.
I walked out, told Kris it was negative, and proceeded to get ready.

I don't know why, but I didn't throw the test away. So when I went back into my room to change my clothes, I glanced back down at the pregnancy test.
next to the 1st line was a really light pink line. I had to double take at first and when I saw the line I yelled for Kris to come look.
"does that look like another line to you?" I asked him. I was starting to panic.
His eyes got really big and he looked at me. "go take the other one." he said. I ran to the kitchen, drank a huge glass of water, and within 15 minutes I was able to take the other test.
It felt like centuries to get the results from this test.
Sure enough, there was a light pink line next to the first again.
"these lines are too light" I told him "this isn't good enough. maybe the test is just broken"
Our Dinner reservations were in a half hour. "let's just go to dinner." he said. "we'll buy another test afterwards." I agreed but wasn't sure how I was going to make it through all of dinner.
I can honestly say that I don't remember what I ate, or even what the restauraunt looked like. I was too stressed out. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Buying another test was the only thing on my mind, and it wouldn't subside.
When dinner was finally over, I pretty much ran to the car. We drove straight to Albertsons, and bought a different brand of pregnancy tests this time. This box had two in it.
I ran to the bathroom, and took another test.
I waited for what seemed like an eternity, and looked at it.
the + sign was really really light again.
This was not good enough. Unless the line was dark, I wasn't going to believe the stupid thing.
"Just wait until tomorrow Andee. It might just be too soon to tell." said Kris. "fine." I said. "but I'm buying this one too." I grabbed the test that actually says "pregnant" or "not pregnant" digitally. That way I wouldn't have to play games with the tests anymore.

Kris brought me back to my apartment, I said bye to him and went straight to bed. I couldn't sleep that night, and the few hours of sleep I did get, I had a dream that my dad found out. In my dream my sister told him, and he stormed out of the house and never talked to me again.
that definitely did not help my situation. I was already scared enough.
When I woke up, I immediately took the last test from the + or - box.
the + sign was darker than the 3 previous tests, but not dark enough for me.
I left for class and hardly made it through my first one. I was not going to go through the rest of my classes like this. I skipped my others, and went home. I was taking this last one and it was digital so I would know for sure. It was the moment of truth.

I got home, grabbed the test and headed straight for the bathroom. After taking it I sat there staring at the hourglass on the test. please be negative. I thought. PLEASE.
I put my face in my hands and said a quick prayer.
this can't be positive.
When I looked down, my stomach twisted and I felt as if I was going to throw up. My eyes became blurry with tears as I read the word "pregnant" on the test.
this cannot be happening to me!! no!

I began sobbing. I went to my room, laid on my bed and cried and cried. About a half an hour later I called the clinic behind my apartment.
"I think I'm pregnant. I need to come in to confirm it."
"have you taken a pregnancy test?"
"yes. five."
"were any of them positive?"
"yes. all of them."
"wow. okay, well you're pregnant. There is no need to come in. Is this a good or a bad thing?"
"it's bad."
I couldn't stop crying. I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare.
I hung up the phone and called Kris.
 After telling him the news, I grabbed my keys and went to my car. I had to get out of my apartment.
That night, my mom called me. 30 seconds into the conversation she could tell something was wrong. I got off the phone with her before she could ask anymore questions. I was not ready to tell her.
not even five minutes later, my dad texted me telling me he had a bad feeling about something and that I needed to be completely honest with him. I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say. I was at my aunts house babysitting. The kids were in bed and Kris was there talking about what we should do.

That was when my dad called.
He asked me what was going on. I could barely talk.
he began asking me a bunch of questions, that of which I did not respond to because I was sobbing and couldn't control my voice.
"Andee if you get pregnant!...." he began to say.
"I am pregnant dad!" my crying was now very noticable.
"she's pregnant" he said to my mom. "we're coming over"
Within minutes they were at the front door. They came in and told Kris that he better leave. My mom pushed him out the door and slammed it shut.
That was when they turned to me. They yelled for about 10 minutes. They told me how irresponsible this decision was, and asked me what I plan on doing. Then my mom told me she was staying with the kids until my aunt came home and to go home with my dad.

I got in his car and it was almost completely silent on the way home. He asked me two questions. One was what I was thinking of doing. When I responded marriage he asked me why I loved him. I then tried to think of reasons why I loved him....I tried.
When we pulled into the garage, I followed my dad to the bottom of the stairs. He stopped when we got there, turned around, and started crying. That was the worst part. I wished so badly he were still yelling. I would have rather him be yelling. He never cries.
He then grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. All I could say was I'm sorry. I said it over and over as we stood there and cried. We then went to their room and talked about my options. My Dad told me that he was going to tell me his opinion, and what he thinks I should do, then after that he wasn't going to say a word. He explained that he thought I should place for adoption. But that was it.
for the first few weeks I decided that I wanted to get married. I wanted to keep the baby. it was my baby. I bought a dress, but was not excited. I was in a bad mood all of the time and was not ever happy. I kept praying for an answer. I WANTED marriage to be right. I wanted things to work out. I wanted it so badly that I refused to listen to my answer. For weeks I ignored my feelings, but I continued praying for an answer. I was becoming so frustrated. One day I finally Knelt down and said a prayer asking that if marriage was not the right thing, then to give Kris the second thoughts that I had the entire time.
He had been all for marriage from the beginning and never showed any sign of second thoughts.
A couple days after I prayed for that answer, we were driving home from getting our marriage license. When we were almost home, Kris explained that we needed to talk. He said that he had been thinking a lot lately and he wanted to talk. We pulled into his driveway and parked the car. He started explaining that he wasn't sure this was the right thing. He then went on to tell me things I had never heard before. He told me things that I had asked him about before I even discovered I was pregnant. He had obviously not been honest with me.
I sat in shock the entire time. I could not believe what he was telling me. I began to cry, took the ring off my finger and gave it to him. "so should we think about this for a while?" he asked. "yes." I said. I had already made my decision. Kris was having second thoughts. It was an answer to my prayers. The minute he got out of the car, I received a text from my mom "do you need me?" I was confused as to how she knew what was going on, and when exactly to text me. "yes" was my reply.
She called me right after that. She was crying, and I was crying. She told me to meet her at the park. We got there around the same time, and her and my dad walked up to me and gave me a hug.
After asking my mom how she knew, she told me that Kris had gone to her before he came to me. He told her all his second thoughts.
my mom KNEW that once he told me, it would be a deal breaker.
We sat on the bleachers, my dad wrapped a blanket around me and they both sat down and hugged me. I knew what this meant. I had received my answer, but it wasn't the answer I wanted. It wasn't the answer I was hoping for. This was my baby. I wanted to raise my baby. It was my baby. Mine.
We talked for an hour. I explained to them that I didn't want to make ths little baby suffer from my mistakes. I didn't want to make my child go between parents every weekend. I wanted it to have a mom and dad that loved eachother.

I was going to place for adoption.


Dustin and Andrea said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sitting here teary eyed looking at Avery as I read. I can't even imagine how difficult this time was for you. You are one strong woman to put your desires aside and do what is best for her. THANK YOU!! We praise your name every day for what you have done. We love you Andee.

Jamie said...

Andee, you continually amaze and inspire me. You have more courage than anyone I know. To have made the selfless decisions that you have made, to completely trust in God even when the answers he was giving you weren't what you were wanting to hear, to give your baby the best life possible, even if it meant not ever being able to see her, and to be willing to share your story with everyone. I know you already know how blessed you and Avery are to have Dustin and Andrea as Avery's parents, I am so grateful to them for loving you and giving you the opportunity to see what a wonderful life you gave her. You are so blessed to have the wonderful parents you have, who support and love you unconditionally. They obviously did a great job raising you! I love you and I admire you!

Our Happy Family said...

I hope you don't mind me commenting about this post. I found your blog through Mrs. R's blog. I have read your part one adoption story and can't imagine the feelings you had to go through. I just want to say that as an adoptive mom, I am so thankful to birth parents out there like our daughter's and you. For choosing life for your child. I am so grateful to our daughter's birth mom and dad and for the choice that they made.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Alexis said...

Andee- I'm Anderea's friend and I wish I could even express to you in writing the way I feel right now. You are a true Hero, I'm so sorry you had to go through that hard time, and I'm sure it is still not so easy for you now, but you are a Wonderful example to so many. I don't even know you, but I know that I Love you for being this wonderful example that few get the chance to be. Thanks for being so strong and teaching us all how to turn to the Lord in hard times, rather than away from Him. <3

Adam and Andrea Daveline said...

You are amazing, Andee. You truly are. Your parents are good and strong and wonderful people. I love you so much and am so proud of you. Your testimony and your heart are strong and righteous. I love you!!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't know how I stumbled upon your blog but I am so glad I did! I am going through this same process right now only I am a senior in high school. It has been so extremely hard to make a decision on whether or not to keep my baby..I know i could raise him but I know I am not supposed to! Reading your stories has reassured me that adoption is the right hard as it is, it is what is right! Thanks for putting your story on the internet it has really been a blessing to me today!

Rachelle said...

as i'm sitting here sobbing -
i know i stumbled upon your blog tonight on purpose... no other way to explain it. I am so touched and can't wait to read the other posts about your story. my husband and i are "hoping to adopt" right now. we came on easter sunday to find an email from a birth mom that we have been communicating with all week. i can't even put into words how much reading your story has meant to me. what an amazing woman you are. thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

I am crying. This is a really touching story. I have only read the first part, but I am already so touched. I found this blog through Stefanie's. My name is KelseyDiane I am 19 and I am an adopted child and it means so much to me just to hear what one birthmother has to say about her story. I am just starting to search for my birthmother and am having a difficult time with it all. I am thankful that people are willing to give their children up so that they can have the best lives possible. I am looking forward to reading the rest of your story. I would love to talk to you more. You are a real encouragement to me.

The Millers said...

Thanks for sharing. I teared up through out reading this. I had very similar feelings that you did about marrying the BF, it was clear to me that it wasn't a smart decision. This brought back a lot of memories. Isn't it interesting our misconceptions about our parents? I too thought for sure that my parents would never talk to me again, but that was not he case at all, they were my main source of support throughout! I'll continue to read, thanks again.