October.

This time of month brings back so many memories and emotions.

Everytime I go outside,

I am reminded of two years ago...

When Avery was almost born.

I am overcome with such a peaceful, quiet, sacred feeling everytime I feel the cool air hit my face.

I want to cry when I smell the crisp fall weather settling in.

The way I felt at this time two years ago,

is unexplainable. 

I will not ever be able to find the right words for it.

The Spirit was with me so strongly.

The things that happened during the month of October two years ago were the most sacred, spiritual, hardest things in my life.

It proved to me how strong I can be when I have to be.

It proved to me how much the Lord loves me.

It proved to me that with the Lords help, I can honestly do anything.

When the weather starts to change from summer to fall,

I feel it almost immediately.

The peaceful feeling I had with me during October of 2008,

 is brought back whenever I walk outside and I just want to sit outside, close my eyes and remember it all. 

Last year,

this feeling was hard for me.

Even though it was a peaceful feeling,

all I could think about was what a difficult time it was.

My heart still ached tremendously.

Now,

it's a different feeling.

I want to, and sometimes do, cry when I feel the cool fall air on my face, 

but it's not of pain.

It's of peace.

It's of amazement.

It's of LOVE.

COMPLETE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

This year,

I am pregnant again.

BUT,

Instead of the end of my pregnancy this month,

I'm at the beginning,

and

Instead of carrying someone else's child,

I am carrying MINE.

MY CHILD.

Although I believe that hormones have a lot to do with crying so easily this month,

I don't think it's JUST hormones.

This month will always be the most life changing month of my life.

October is always a month I look at with such peace.

My best friend passed away this month,

and I placed the one person I loved more than anything,

with another family.

It's something I will always always remember this way.

whenever the weather changes to fall,

I don't think I will ever look at again as I did before 2008.

To be 4 again.

I've been having a difficult time lately.

Not with the Adoption though.

In fact,

I've never been better when it comes to the Adoption.

Just as far as life and where mine is going.

I have a hard time seeing my future sometimes.

I can't see past right now.

I don't know where life is going to take me and that scares me sometimes.

Yeah I'm going to school and working.

but that's boring and I don't really want to be doing that for the rest of my life.

I don't want to do any career for the rest of my life.

The only thing I WANT to do is be a wife and mother.

(I don't care how hard it is. To be either one.)

but there is no guarantee that will happen.

So it's hard for me to move on with school and stuff when I don't really want to do that forever.

I've been really thinking about this lately.

It's not like I'm not TRYING to accomplish my goal to be a wife and mother.

I am dating.

I go out on dates.

I just haven't really dated anyone that I am really interested in enough to keep dating.

I'm not picky.

I just have requirements for my future husband.

and it's really hard to date when the guys I date don't fit those requirements...

it seems the only people I attract are opposite of what I want.

It's really depressing.

Anyway,

I'm going off on a tangent now.

This morning, I was sitting around being lazy (I love the days I can do that)

and I was watching cartoons with my little brother Joey and friend Krista's Son, Nate.

Joey got up and asked me if he could go to his friend Gage's house across the street.

I said yes and told him to watch for cars.

He threw on his shoes and Jacket and ran out the door into the snowy weather.

After the door closed,

I went over to the window to watch him cross the street to make sure he did watch for cars and that he got there safe.

When he got to the curb of our street, he stopped looked both ways for cars and then stood there for about two minutes.

I was wondering what he was doing, when he looked up into the sky, letting the huge snowflakes fall on his face.  I watched him as he sat there for a good minute, then looked both ways again and ran across the street.

I sat down in the chair in our living room, still watching him out the window and started thinking about my life and all of the stresses that come with it. I was on the verge of tears when, after there was no answer from Gage's house, Joey again walked to the end of their driveway to the curb, looked up at the sky, put his arms out and started spinning around in circles, obviously enjoying this weather.

That 4 year old boy enjoys life so much. 

He was enjoying this weather and dancing in the (what I see as dreadful) snow. 

He didn't have a worry in the world and you could see that as he spun around. 

I had to take a picture of him when he got back inside.

My dad calls Joey Tigger.

The boy doesn't just walk, he bounces when he walks, or skips.

He is such a happy kid.

One day my dad asked Joey "If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?"

Joey looked at him for a second and then answered with complete confidence, "Joey."

This kid teaches me so much.

I know I need to enjoy life.

It would be so nice not to have a stress in the world.

It would be nice if I could answer "Andee" when someone asked me who I would be if I could be anyone in the world.

I'm not very confident and I think that is a huge problem.

I am going to start trying...as hard as possible, to enjoy life like my little brother does.

I won't let my future haunt me.

I will live in the present and hopefully,

one day,

I WILL find my prince charming.

I WILL marry for eternity in the temple

and I WILL in fact, one day, be a mother.

I know I'm only 20.

But that doesn't mean my future is easy to see.

The Rainbow after the Storm

For those of you that do not live in Utah, you may not know that it has been pouring rain pretty much this entire month.

We had a couple of nice days this week,

and then today

the rain came back.

I'm NOT a rain fan.

I LOVE the heat.

So it has been driving me crazy at how the summer weather is JUST NOT STAYING!!

But today when it rained,

I miraculously had a different outlook.

It may have had something to do with the fact that I had just had about an hour long talk with Jake's family about adoption.

We talked about the good, the bad, the pain and the blessings that come from adoption...then

Jake and I left his house to go to mine just after another storm had passed, and there was a beautiful rainbow coming out of the clouds.

(unfortunately I did not have my camera with me so these are not my pictures..I found them on google! ;) but this is what it looked like)

That rainbow got me thinking.

I began reflecting back on my experiences this past year. It was a tough road. There were times that I wasn't sure I would make it through another day.....

then I looked at my life today,

and discovered that I am experiencing the rainbow after the storm.

Adoption is not easy.

It's not easy for the Birthparents,

and it's not easy for the adoptive parents,

But it reaps SO many amazing rewards.

I am a different person today because of adoption.

I am grateful for the rain as it is the only thing that can bring rainbows.

Last year has helped me realize that if we are not faced with trials, we cannot appreciate the blessings in our life.

I experienced the pain and heartache in placing Avery so that I could appreciate not only the fact that I can create a child, but so I can appreciate my future children. I cannot WAIT for the day that I am a mom. I have wanted to be a mother my entire life, but I never really understood the blessings that come from it until I experienced adoption.

Through adoption I learned how to love so much it hurts

I learned how to listen to the Spirit.

I learned how to rely on the Lord for strength.

I learned to appreciate family

I learned how incredibly painful infertility can be.

Through experiencing the death of a loved one

I discovered what I want in a husband

I learned to savor every moment with every person in your life..you never know when it will be the last.

I learned that placing beautiful Avery isn't the worst thing that could happen...at least she is ALIVE and HEALTHY.

I am blessed.

And my life right now is truly the rainbow after the storm.

I am so grateful for this Gospel.
Without it,

I would be no where.

I am grateful for the trials I have experienced.

without them,

I wouldn't understand how incredibly blessed I am today.

and I am very blessed.

Swimming!

We were FINALLY able to swim in our pool for the first time this summer yesterday.

I wasn't able to enjoy it much last year,

so I'm SUPER excited to lay out,

tan,

read,

and most of all

SWIM!!

My Dad and Joey

My dad just after being pushed into the pool unwillingly

My mom going down the slide

Me and Terri

(yes. I know.. I look really bad when I swim..)

Jamba time.

So to celebrate this FANTASTIC weather we have had the past couple of days, my roomie Elicia and I have done EVERYTHING we possibly can to take advantage of it.

on Monday,
Unfortunately we had to enjoy it ourselves because both of us had opposite schedules that day.


So,
I sat out the porch and wrote the three wonderful missionary friends I have that are currently on missions. I did get quite an awesome tan in the process. I am sad to say that because of my classes, that was the only time I got to enjoy it that day.


On Tuesday,
Elicia and I sat out in front of the Library on campus soaking up the sun in between classes.
It was awesome, and we both got a pretty good tan.


On Wednesday,
we had BOTH planned on sitting on campus at the quad and getting a tan but it didn't really work out that way....stupid schedules!!

But I did sit out there with my writing class for the whole class period. we all wrote poems and were sharing them with the class while basking in the sun.


(can I just say that it would have been an extremely more enjoyable experience if, a SPIDER hadn't ruined it! It crawled on my leg and then when I flicked it off, it kept crawling back to me! I was like scooting further and further away until this kid Alex that I was sitting next to grabbed it and smooshed it with his hand. (haha gross!!) but I was very grateful for him..)


Anyway, after all of my classes I had an appointment with my class advisor. I was PLANNING on meeting Elicia back at the quad afterwards. She had gone and purchased some DELICIOUS Jamba Juice that we could enjoy as well. Unfortunately, my appointment went way longer than planned. So by the time I got out, Elicia had to go to her next class!!


fortunately,
we did have time to take a couple of pictures while I walked her to class...haha



haha. attractive...



so everytime I walk past this beautiful "work of art" I wonder what the heck it's supposed to be...


So, Elicia and I came to the conclusion they were fries.
(please disregard my fat in this picture. you would think the baby fat would be gone by now...but it most definitely is NOT..I AM working on it though..hence MY LIST)

Random?
I think so...

It's all about the weather.

The weather here in Logan today is A M A Z I N G.

It's funny how the weather can change your mood drastically.

I love feeling the heat!!!

I was feeling kind of down this morning when I woke up and really had to force myself to go to class.

But the MOMENT I stepped out the door and felt the warm weather on my face,

my mood changed.

I all of the sudden became super excited for school to get out.

only two weeks left!!

I suddenly felt relaxed,

and no longer stressed out.

I would actually ENJOY walking around campus today.

I LOVE WARM WEATHER!!!

no more snow for me!! :D

I should probably start being more optimistic now!!!

WHO ELSE LOVES THIS WEATHER????

Spring Break!!

Spring Break here I come!!!!

No thinking of school for an entire week!!

What a WONDERFUL vacation!

Now....let's hope the weather

IS spring...

I can almost see summer time!!

The weather here on Friday was to die for!

It was so warm,

that we drove with my windows down and the sunroof open!

OH SUMMER HERE YOU COME!!!!

Unfortunately, we did not know that it was going to be such great weather, so Elicia was wearing a hoodie!

Luckily I only had a quarter sleeved shirt on. ;)

but LOOK at this picture!

We had to SQUINT because the sun was so bright.

YAY!!