To be 4 again.

I've been having a difficult time lately.

Not with the Adoption though.

In fact,

I've never been better when it comes to the Adoption.

Just as far as life and where mine is going.

I have a hard time seeing my future sometimes.

I can't see past right now.

I don't know where life is going to take me and that scares me sometimes.

Yeah I'm going to school and working.

but that's boring and I don't really want to be doing that for the rest of my life.

I don't want to do any career for the rest of my life.

The only thing I WANT to do is be a wife and mother.

(I don't care how hard it is. To be either one.)

but there is no guarantee that will happen.

So it's hard for me to move on with school and stuff when I don't really want to do that forever.

I've been really thinking about this lately.

It's not like I'm not TRYING to accomplish my goal to be a wife and mother.

I am dating.

I go out on dates.

I just haven't really dated anyone that I am really interested in enough to keep dating.

I'm not picky.

I just have requirements for my future husband.

and it's really hard to date when the guys I date don't fit those requirements...

it seems the only people I attract are opposite of what I want.

It's really depressing.

Anyway,

I'm going off on a tangent now.

This morning, I was sitting around being lazy (I love the days I can do that)

and I was watching cartoons with my little brother Joey and friend Krista's Son, Nate.

Joey got up and asked me if he could go to his friend Gage's house across the street.

I said yes and told him to watch for cars.

He threw on his shoes and Jacket and ran out the door into the snowy weather.

After the door closed,

I went over to the window to watch him cross the street to make sure he did watch for cars and that he got there safe.

When he got to the curb of our street, he stopped looked both ways for cars and then stood there for about two minutes.

I was wondering what he was doing, when he looked up into the sky, letting the huge snowflakes fall on his face.  I watched him as he sat there for a good minute, then looked both ways again and ran across the street.

I sat down in the chair in our living room, still watching him out the window and started thinking about my life and all of the stresses that come with it. I was on the verge of tears when, after there was no answer from Gage's house, Joey again walked to the end of their driveway to the curb, looked up at the sky, put his arms out and started spinning around in circles, obviously enjoying this weather.

That 4 year old boy enjoys life so much. 

He was enjoying this weather and dancing in the (what I see as dreadful) snow. 

He didn't have a worry in the world and you could see that as he spun around. 

I had to take a picture of him when he got back inside.

My dad calls Joey Tigger.

The boy doesn't just walk, he bounces when he walks, or skips.

He is such a happy kid.

One day my dad asked Joey "If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?"

Joey looked at him for a second and then answered with complete confidence, "Joey."

This kid teaches me so much.

I know I need to enjoy life.

It would be so nice not to have a stress in the world.

It would be nice if I could answer "Andee" when someone asked me who I would be if I could be anyone in the world.

I'm not very confident and I think that is a huge problem.

I am going to start trying...as hard as possible, to enjoy life like my little brother does.

I won't let my future haunt me.

I will live in the present and hopefully,

one day,

I WILL find my prince charming.

I WILL marry for eternity in the temple

and I WILL in fact, one day, be a mother.

I know I'm only 20.

But that doesn't mean my future is easy to see.