Saturday, March 13, 2010

To be 4 again.

I've been having a difficult time lately.
Not with the Adoption though.
In fact,
I've never been better when it comes to the Adoption.

Just as far as life and where mine is going.
I have a hard time seeing my future sometimes.
I can't see past right now.

I don't know where life is going to take me and that scares me sometimes.
Yeah I'm going to school and working.
but that's boring and I don't really want to be doing that for the rest of my life.
I don't want to do any career for the rest of my life.

The only thing I WANT to do is be a wife and mother.
(I don't care how hard it is. To be either one.)
but there is no guarantee that will happen.
So it's hard for me to move on with school and stuff when I don't really want to do that forever.

I've been really thinking about this lately.

It's not like I'm not TRYING to accomplish my goal to be a wife and mother.
I am dating.
I go out on dates.
I just haven't really dated anyone that I am really interested in enough to keep dating.

I'm not picky.
I just have requirements for my future husband.
and it's really hard to date when the guys I date don't fit those requirements...
it seems the only people I attract are opposite of what I want.
It's really depressing.

Anyway,
I'm going off on a tangent now.

This morning, I was sitting around being lazy (I love the days I can do that)
and I was watching cartoons with my little brother Joey and friend Krista's Son, Nate.

Joey got up and asked me if he could go to his friend Gage's house across the street.
I said yes and told him to watch for cars.
He threw on his shoes and Jacket and ran out the door into the snowy weather.

After the door closed,
I went over to the window to watch him cross the street to make sure he did watch for cars and that he got there safe.

When he got to the curb of our street, he stopped looked both ways for cars and then stood there for about two minutes.

I was wondering what he was doing, when he looked up into the sky, letting the huge snowflakes fall on his face.  I watched him as he sat there for a good minute, then looked both ways again and ran across the street.

I sat down in the chair in our living room, still watching him out the window and started thinking about my life and all of the stresses that come with it. I was on the verge of tears when, after there was no answer from Gage's house, Joey again walked to the end of their driveway to the curb, looked up at the sky, put his arms out and started spinning around in circles, obviously enjoying this weather.

That 4 year old boy enjoys life so much. 
He was enjoying this weather and dancing in the (what I see as dreadful) snow. 
He didn't have a worry in the world and you could see that as he spun around. 

I had to take a picture of him when he got back inside.
My dad calls Joey Tigger.
The boy doesn't just walk, he bounces when he walks, or skips.
He is such a happy kid.

One day my dad asked Joey "If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?"
Joey looked at him for a second and then answered with complete confidence, "Joey."

This kid teaches me so much.
I know I need to enjoy life.
It would be so nice not to have a stress in the world.

It would be nice if I could answer "Andee" when someone asked me who I would be if I could be anyone in the world.
I'm not very confident and I think that is a huge problem.

I am going to start trying...as hard as possible, to enjoy life like my little brother does.

I won't let my future haunt me.
I will live in the present and hopefully,
one day,

I WILL find my prince charming.
I WILL marry for eternity in the temple
and I WILL in fact, one day, be a mother.

I know I'm only 20.
But that doesn't mean my future is easy to see.

13 comments:

Chelsey Cutler said...

That is so true Andee! I am often wondering about the future and wishing I was there. I think it is important to live in the present, even if it is hard. Thanks for helping me see this better! Much love!

Lissa said...

Andee,

You are such a smart girl!!!! I enjoy reading your posts because you are SO REAL.

I remember being 20(man I feel old saying that) and having similar feelings. The unknown is scary and at times frustrating. But you have your head on straight and I know you will figure it out.

Even 6 years later I get similar feelings about what the future holds. It takes A LOT of COURAGE to live in the now and believe that something great lies ahead. But I know it does(no matter what age or phase)!

Hang in there!

brittany michelle said...

One of the best talents/gifts you have is the ability to learn, the ability to see lessons in everyday circumstances.

The only thing I can say regarding your lack of confidence is that most people in the world have it. Most people think "If only it were different." I think the hard thing is realizing that there will always be someone who you think has an easier life, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate and look forward to your own.

You can't imagine all of the good things that will happen to you. You can only do your best to be prepared for those good things when they come. You are young and preparing right now. Be patient, and be honest in your prayers if you are impatient about something. Let Him know why you want it, and ask Him to help you see His wisdom in delaying your wants for a little season.

Ashley Bennion said...

Hang in there And - Keep finding JOY in your everyday life. I remember feeling the same way and wishing I was married and I look back at some awesome epxeriences I had single (one of which was being in the YW pres in that ward) that I would not have had if I were married and gone from the ward and I look at Brant and realize that Heavenly Father is SO aware of us and blesses us with SO SO many tender mercies - Brant was definitely worth any wait - no matter how long - Love you - Let's do lunch again soon - You are the greatest!

myshel_01 said...

I know this feeling all too well. Gah :( You will for sure me a mommy & a wifey & a great one at both!!! :) That feeling where you feel like you'll never find somebody worthy of you sucks!!! Just trust in God & enjoy the single life because it definitely has it's benefits. Bieng single=awesome. Having a boyfriend that is perfect for you & you want to marry=awesome! But dating some loser that isn't worth your time=not so awesome. hahahaha sorry my comment was pretty freaking lame.

Mrs. Black said...

Oh Andee! I heart your posts. I think any "mother hearted" 20 year old has probably felt the same way. {I Know I Did!!} You aren't alone, and it feels like the future will never get here but the truth is time really does fly. And when your future really does get here... I want a wedding announcement! =)

Krista Eger said...

Andee, no worries, being a wife and mother isn't hard like everyone says it is. NOT FOR YOU at least!!!! You will make the best one in the world because it will come so naturally to you! If I was a dude (an attractive RM of course!) I would snatch you up faster than you could ever imagine because I know I'd have my work cut out for me!

You'll find love in places you least expect it. My WHOLE life I worried that I'd never get married and no one would fall in love with me. I didn't even have my first kiss till I was 18 and that was with a guy two years younger than me....so even a loser like me can find happiness! The thing I had to remind myself before I was married was that if Heavenly Father was not leading me to the right one, I still had something to learn before I could receive that gift. Before we dated, Phil told me that the best way to get married is to prepare for a mission! Obviously you don't have to go on a mission to prepare for one, but do all the same things and take all the same steps that you would if you were and suddenly you will find yourself in the place you need and want to be and you will be popping out that child with a nice numbing epidural before you know it ;).
I know how you feel! 3 years ago when I was 20 I couldn't have felt more the way you do now! And now I'm on my second....you'll look back and realize how fast it all went, but at the time how slow it seemed! I completely understand! And soon you will see what a goofball I married and you'll feel better about life (haha jk!).

And just remember that I freaking LOVE YOU!!!!

Bekah's World said...

I know you don't know me. Krista directed me here after my latest miscarriage because she gains so much knowledge from you.

I just wanted to say - focus on what you're doing in your life now; Enjoy the bits that you can and don't worry about the future. What will be, will be. I didn't find my husband until I stopped worrying about finding him. Once I was happy to be single and have fun in my life and focus on myself is when he came along.

Candace said...

I have been following your blog for awhile and all I can say is... I could not agree with you more!
Somedays I feel like being 20 is harder then when I was 16 and in high school :S
Good luck with everything
-Candace

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Nicole said...

This post totally reminds me of one of my favorite songs! You should listen to "One Day you Will" by Lady Antebellum if you've never heard it. This sounds cheesy but..it really helps me remember that all the struggles we go through are worth it! Hope your doing okay!

Mom said...

This is my favorite of all your posts! I am so proud of you and the beautiful woman you are turning into...

Amanda said...

I love Joey!!! What a freaking cutie! And I love you too Andie! Don't worry about your future or if you do call me and we can worry together because I don't know WHAT THE FREAK to do with my life!!! I'm just going to end up working at Curves and living in an apartment for the rest of my existence! Help! ..