I'm grateful for...#18

I'm so grateful for The Gospel.

Without it,

I know without a doubt in my mind,

that I wouldn't have been able to get through this whole experience as well as I have.

The Lord carries me through every step.

The process has gone so much more smoothly with His help.

I'm so grateful that I have been raised in this Church.
There is no way that you can experience what I have,

and not KNOW that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true.

I know it with ever Fiber of my being.

and I'm so grateful for it.

I'm grateful for...#17

I'm so grateful for Eternal families.

Although Avery is a part of D&A's family here on this earth,

and I know that without a doubt;

I also know that we are all an Eternal Family.

I know that we will all eventually be a family,

because she was sealed to D&A in the Temple.

If I hadn't placed her for adoption,
she wouldn't have been sealed to me because her birthfather and I,

wouldn't have been sealed in the temple.

Adoption makes it so she is still able to be sealed to her parents.

I just love this Gospel. 

If this post is confusing beyond belief, try reading THIS.

I go into more detail and explanation there :)

I'm grateful for...#1

I'm so grateful for Open Adoption.

Without it,

I don't know where I'd be in my life.

Especially Emotionally.

I know without a doubt that if Open Adoption had not been available for me,

I would not have healed as well as I have.

I am 100% certain that Open Adoption is one of the biggest reasons I have been able to  move on with my life.

I'm so grateful for it and I am constantly thanking my Heavenly Father for this opportunity. 

Wish I have parented?

I received a question on my last post,

that is a question I have also been asked a lot so I decided to answer it in a post as well.

The question was:

I can't help but wonder, now that you are married and a mom do you ever wish you could have parented Avery since now you have a two parent household for her? In hindsight, do you regret it or do you (or her adoptive parents) worry she might wonder why she was adopted and her sibling (through birth/blood) was not?

Short Answer: No.

Long Answer:

For those of you that are also LDS,

it's probably easier for you to understand this.

But I will try my best to explain it if you are not.

We understand that families can be together forever. The way to do that is to be sealed together for time and all eternity in the Temple. When we are married, instead of parting at death, we are sealed together for Eternity. Even After death.

This is something that I have a strong Testimony of. I am so grateful that we can be together forever. I can't imagine thinking that if my Husband or Family Member or Child were to pass away that we wouldn't be a forever family! It is so comforting to know that when a family member passes on, we WILL see them again and we WILL be a family forever.

So now let me explain something as far as Avery goes.

Avery's Birthfather and I would not have stayed together.

Our marriage would not have lasted. 

We wouldn't have been sealed in the Temple, which means we wouldn't be a forever family.

How do you think Avery would feel,

if she was the only one that was not sealed to her family?

Because Tyson and I were Sealed in the Temple when we were married,

Kalista was born into the Covenant which means she was born already sealed to us.

When Dustin and Andrea adopted Avery,

they were able to take her to the Temple and be sealed to her.

The only way that Avery would have been able to be sealed to us,

is if her Birthfather allowed Tyson to adopt her and let me tell you right now,

I know for a FACT that he would not have allowed that.

So that is one Major reason that I still know that Avery is where she is supposed to be.

Not once have I wished I had parented her now that she would be living in a stable environment.

Another reason is that just because she would still have a two parent home,

she would still be going to her birthfathers home every weekend.

She would still be passed back and forth.

I gotta say,

I'm having a hard time leaving Kali at my parents house over night for mine and Tysons Anniversary...

I would DIE having to do it every single weekend!

I hope this makes sense and that I'm not just rambling,

but marrying Tyson just confirmed to me that Avery is in the right place.

She is sealed to her parents.

and I know that as long as you are sealed to your family,

that everyone is a family in heaven anyway.

We're all brothers and sisters.

SO no,

I don't wish I had parented her.

not for one second.

But I love that girl so dang much!!

Which is why I don't regret placing her.

She is better off!

and when I see a post like THIS,

it just confirms my feelings even more :)

Kalista's Blessing Day

Kali's Blessing was Sunday,and Dustin Andrea and Avery came.

They saw our new place for the first time.

It was so nice seeing them.

Avery is getting SOO big!

She loves Kali and is the funniest little girl ever!

She has the cutest personality.

It's so crazy how big Avery is getting.

I swear she was just born yesterday!

I love that girl.

Two little Angels.

When the time is right...

I have a really good friend.

We met through blogging.

I feel like we've become pretty good friends

especially since we both got married about a month apart.

I'm sure most of you know her or at least her blog.

I've mentioned it before.

Stefanie.

Yesterday she made a post that really affected me.

Please read it before continuing to read this.

I can honestly say I never experienced this desire so strongly.

Granted,

after Avery was born,

I couldn't wait for the day that I could get married and have Children.

But I think after I got my job at the hospital,

that feeling was greatly 'watered down'.

It was still there, just not as strongly.

I think mostly because when I felt like I wanted a baby,

I would just go cuddle one of the babies in the nursery and get my fix for the day.

(I hope that doesn't sound wrong or offensive. I don't know how to explain it any other way. I pretty much just needed to at least cuddle a tiny body in my arms, feed them or change their diaper. After that the intense urge/pain simmered) 

This wasn't because I remembered how hard it would be, but because I was able to do just a small amount of what a mother does. Which is what I so badly wanted/want to be.

So,

I did feel this pain to a degree, but I never experienced being married and wanting a baby SO BADLY, but knowing it wasn't the right time.

I haven't told very many people what I'm about to say.

I have told very very few,

but after Stefanie's post, I've decided that I want to share it.

This is why I KNOW that even though it has happened very quickly,

I know that this baby is supposed to come right now.

I KNOW that this pregnancy was no "accident".

A couple of weeks after getting married,

Tyson and I went to the temple.

We went because we wanted to specifically pray about a concern of ours.

We weren't sure what to do as far as housing and most importantly,

his job. I'll leave it at that. It was just something we were stressing about immensely.

While sitting in Celestial room,

we both started praying, pondering and asking about this issue we had.

About five minutes later,

I just couldn't figure out why, no matter what,

I could only think about one thing.

Starting a family.

I thought that maybe, it was just because it's me

(and everyone knows how I feel about wanting to be a mother.)

SO,

I leaned over to Tyson and whispered

"What do you think?"

After sitting there for a few seconds,

her turned to me and whispered

"I don't think we should wait until we're 'ready' to have kids."

keep in mind,

that this was the FARTHEST thing from our minds when we entered the Temple.

I was suprised by his answer because it was EXACTLY what was going through my mind.

On the drive home,

our conversation consisted of one thing

Starting a family.

My concern kept turning to what other people would think.

Yes, I know. That shouldn't matter.

But I worried that we would be seen as irresponsible,

or that people would think I talked Tyson into it because I wanted to "replace" Avery.

It sounds ridiculous,

but sure enough, some have already said this to me.

When I would say this to Tyson, he would say what is so obvious

"who cares?"

He was right.

It's our decision. WE are the only two people that can receive an answer for our family.

When we were almost home,

we decided that yes,

we shouldn't stress so much about birth control or anything.

Two weeks later,

I found out I was pregnant.

I STRONGLY believe that the Lord was preparing us for this moment.

He was telling us that our family needed to start.

This child needs to come now.

I know that because of that experience in the Temple,

I was prepared to see the positive pregnancy test.

That experience helped me to know that we will be able to provide for this baby now.

It helped calm my nerves.

That doesn't mean that I never stress, it just means that I know the Lord will provide a way for us to have what we need to raise this baby.

So,

Stefanie,

although I know that you're aching so immensely to have a baby,

just know that the Lord will tell you when the time is right.

and when the time finally IS,

you will be so happy you waited until you were an eternal family.

I just know it.

and I cannot wait for that day to come for you.

October.

This time of month brings back so many memories and emotions.

Everytime I go outside,

I am reminded of two years ago...

When Avery was almost born.

I am overcome with such a peaceful, quiet, sacred feeling everytime I feel the cool air hit my face.

I want to cry when I smell the crisp fall weather settling in.

The way I felt at this time two years ago,

is unexplainable. 

I will not ever be able to find the right words for it.

The Spirit was with me so strongly.

The things that happened during the month of October two years ago were the most sacred, spiritual, hardest things in my life.

It proved to me how strong I can be when I have to be.

It proved to me how much the Lord loves me.

It proved to me that with the Lords help, I can honestly do anything.

When the weather starts to change from summer to fall,

I feel it almost immediately.

The peaceful feeling I had with me during October of 2008,

 is brought back whenever I walk outside and I just want to sit outside, close my eyes and remember it all. 

Last year,

this feeling was hard for me.

Even though it was a peaceful feeling,

all I could think about was what a difficult time it was.

My heart still ached tremendously.

Now,

it's a different feeling.

I want to, and sometimes do, cry when I feel the cool fall air on my face, 

but it's not of pain.

It's of peace.

It's of amazement.

It's of LOVE.

COMPLETE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

This year,

I am pregnant again.

BUT,

Instead of the end of my pregnancy this month,

I'm at the beginning,

and

Instead of carrying someone else's child,

I am carrying MINE.

MY CHILD.

Although I believe that hormones have a lot to do with crying so easily this month,

I don't think it's JUST hormones.

This month will always be the most life changing month of my life.

October is always a month I look at with such peace.

My best friend passed away this month,

and I placed the one person I loved more than anything,

with another family.

It's something I will always always remember this way.

whenever the weather changes to fall,

I don't think I will ever look at again as I did before 2008.

Sick Night

Last night at about one in the morning,

I woke myself up because I was crying in my sleep.

As I sat up to recognize my surroundings,

a wave of nausea came over me and I quickly laid back down.

Tyson was up, sitting next to me in a split second.

He asked me if I was okay.

I could hardly speak because I knew that if I did, I would throw up.

After taking a couple of minutes to breath,

I told him that I was feeling really sick.

"What can I get you?"

He asked me in the sweetest voice ever.

I just looked at him again, trying to catch my breath again...

and explained that I had heartburn.

He was up in a second

and came back almost immediately with Ginger ale and tums.

After taking a few sips of the ginger ale and popping a couple tums in my mouth,

the nausea began to subside.

While I laid down trying to fall back asleep, trying to ignore the want to puke,

Tyson laid down besided me,

and tickled my back until I fell asleep.

This wasn't the first time I've been sick.

I was sick before I even found out I was pregnant.

But it was probably the worst it's been.

I'm not complaining.

In fact,

I'm SO GRATEFUL.

Being sick is proving to me that I'm pregnant.

if I wasn't sick,

I think I'd be worried.

I'm SO GRATEFUL for this experience

and

I'm SO GRATEFUL for my husband.

I have an incredible husband.

Someone that is there for me when I need him.

When I was carrying Avery,

I didn't have someone to tickle my back as I tried to fall asleep after waking up sick.

I didn't have someone there for me to grab me tums, or something to help my nausea.

I did have Dustin and Andrea.

They were there for me as much as they could be,

and were SOO AMAZING with helping me with anything they could during the pregnancy.

but having a husband,

that can be there when I need something in the middle of the night,

That can help me when I'm sick,

that's how it should be.

I'm so so grateful for him.

I'm so grateful for this child.

I'm so grateful to the Lord for giving me them both.

I'm so grateful for Adoption.

For it tought me to be grateful.

I know for a fact that if I didn't experience Adoption,

I wouldn't appreciate these experiences,

the small things,

and being sick...

Like I should.

Friends with my mom on FB?

If so,

you may have seen this post from her:

"Bye Bye Andee Aguirre...hello Andee O*****"

[I thought it'd be best to leave out the new last name...since this blog IS public!!]

and then her response to the comments saying:

"I am referring all questions to Andee and Tyson...haha"

So,

I thought that now would probably be the best time for a blog update explaining this.

YES,

it is true.

My last name is changing...and my fiance's name is also changing!

HAHA confused?

allow me to explain.

Ernesto is amazing.

I have said this many many times before, but I haven't really explained some of the reasons why.

When he was 11 years old,

him and his 5 other siblings were pulled out of there homes and placed into foster care.

They seperated everyone but his two younger sisters.

They were pretty young and were adopted together.

From what I understand, they converted to the church shortly after.

Ernesto and his two brothers were all seperated.

He had an older sister that was pretty much on her own at this point.

him and his younger brother 's' went from Foster home to Foster home.

After about 4 years of this,

Ernesto was placed in a boys group home since they couldn't find another place for him to go.

His younger brother 's' was placed with foster parents named 'M' and 'R'.

after 's' told 'M' and 'R' about his older brother Ernesto,

they decided to go find him so that 's' could have his older brother back.

When they asked him to come and live with them and his little brother 'm',

of course he said yes and him and 's' were reunited.

When 'M' and 'R' introduced Ernesto to the church, he became immediately interested

and was converted to the church at age 16.

I met him about a year later.

At age 18,

Ernesto and 'M' got in a huge fight.

he was a teenager so obviously he wasn't thinking clearly and he left 'M' and 'R's' home.

He had become very close to my young woman leader through me so he went straight to her home.

They took him in for 8 months while he prepared for his mission.

In the mean time, 'M' and 'R' wanted him home to them. They ached for him to come home because he was their son. Although it wasn't official, they still saw him as their son. 

He loved this family he lived with. They have become very close friends through all of this, even more than before. He left for his mission in April of 2008. 

While he was out, 'R' wrote him constantly. He began looking forward to all of her letters and started realizing while on his mission that 'R' was his mother and had been from the start.

During his 2 year mission, 'M' and 'R' adopted 's'.

When Ernesto came home from his mission, him and 'M' and 'R' went to the temple. 

They all felt this day like Ernesto belonged in their family...but they did not communicate this to each other...

until last Wednesday the 21st. 

Ernesto and I were talking. He was talking about how much he wanted Eternal parents. We were getting married so he was going to be sealed to me and we were going to be our own Eternal family. But who wouldn't want parents to be in their Eternal family?  

So, after a long talk, he decided that he was going to ask 'M' and 'R' if they would adopt him. 

he did it that night.

The second he brought up adoption, 'R' started crying. 

They started telling him how long they have been waiting for him to ask this. 

They couldn't contain their excitement.

SO, while they were talking, Ernesto decided that because his last name was changing, 

he might at well change his first name too! (he wanted it to go with the last name) 

I am SO excited for them!

The Adoption was finalized on Friday!!

He was going to come to the FSA Conference with me...but we decided his adoption was a little more important!!! haha.

I was extremely disappointed that I couldn't be there. They were happening at the same time.
But at least I was promoting what an amazing thing adoption is!

I LOVE ADOPTION!!!

As of  Friday, Ernesto is not longer Ernesto.
He is now Tyson :)

He loves that name and I love it too.

I think he even looks like a Tyson.

It's really hard for me to get used to calling him Tyson...but I'll get it eventually.

SO! If you're coming to the wedding, please don't be confused when some stuff says Ernesto and some says Tyson...we had the announcements and sign in book made before all of this happened!!

So yes,

my fiance's name is different.

but NO, I'm not marrying someone else!!

haha ever.

Protected

Today while at work,

I received a call from Ernesto,

15 minutes before I was supposed to get off work.

Here is about how the conversation went down:

Him: "Hey, I'm probably not going to be getting off work on time tonight."

Me: "Why?"

Him: "because, there was an explosion in one of the apartment complex's. The one that we just left 15 minutes ago."

[he does maitenance at apartments...he also had nothing to do with this explosion. He was painting some walls in an empty unit when he was there]

Me: "What!? how!?"

Him: "I don't know what happened, but people got hurt. I saw a little kid run out with his flesh burned off"

Me: "oh my gosh!"

Him: "yeah I have to go. it's crazy here, but I love you. I'll talk to you later"

I was freaking out at this point and I had a hard time focusing on my job.

I almost started crying on the drive home.

Especially because I couldn't get ahold of anyone in my family.

When Ernesto finally called me back,

He explained to me that they think there might have been a gas leak, but they weren't sure about the cause.

He said that there were a couple people life flighted to the hospital and that there were only a couple of units that had been affected.

I calmed down a little after that.

I can't believe how lucky Ernesto was.

If he hadn't left the apartment when he did,

he could have been injured.

If he had gone BACK like he had been planning to,

He could have been injured.

I know that wasn't just coincedence.

I know he was being protected.

I know that the Lord watches over us.

That is proof.

Please pray for that mother and her son that were taken to the hospital.
I can't even imagine.

I just had to let off some of my thoughts.

That is all :)

**UPDATE: they found the reason for the fire. The little boy was playing with matches while his mom was asleep. The explosion was probably from all of the pressure.**

Adoption is hard, but worth it.

Today I was reminded of experiences that lead to my decision to place.

I began really thinking, in depth about what led me to call off the wedding,

and to decide on adoption.

I got very choked up while remembering.

Throughout the whole engagement,

it seemed that everything pertaining to the wedding plans were working out perfectly.

really.

Let me just name a few:

* My uncle and his family had just moved from their house in Provo to Oregon.

He had been renting his Provo house out to his Brother in law, who miraculously wouldn't need it anymore and would be moving out just weeks after our wedding date. My uncle told me he would let us live there for only $500/month. This house was huge. It had 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, an office and many other luxuries that were way more than what we needed. It was so generous. So, we already had a house.

* I went shopping for my wedding dress.  I found the perfect one at the first store, on the first day of shopping. It was a good price and we purchased it that day. There's my dress

* We found a church that is gorgeous.  Since we wouldn't have been able to marry in the temple, I wanted to do the ceremony there.  It was seriously the most beautiful church I have ever seen. Unfortunately, so many people wanted their wedding/reception there, that the stake had recently made a rule that only people in the stake could use it for weddings.  Well, my dad went in and talked to the stake president.  My dad had lived there when he was younger and he was hoping he could talk him in to letting us use it.  He succeeded.  We got the church and the day we had set for our Wedding, was one of the very few days that the church wasn't being used. So, we had a place set for the wedding.

* we needed furniture for the house and there was no way we could afford buying it all.  a couple of days after realizing this, my uncle called and told me that his Brother and law was going to leave his furniture in the living room because he wasn't going to need it for a few months.  So, there we had our furniture.

I could go on and on, but to save space, I won't. 

Everything and I mean everything  was working out.

because of this, I began telling myself even more that this was supposed to happen.

That I was supposed to marry him.

It wouldn't work out the way it was if I wasn't supposed to.

However,

during all of this I was in the worst mood.

and it got even worse whenever Kris was around.

I wanted nothing to do with him and we argued every time we were around each other.

We couldn't even agree on a song to dance to at the wedding.

We went to IKEA one day to look for some things,

and we did not agree on ANY style.

he ended up leaving and doing his own thing while I complained about him to my aunt the rest of the time.

(who, I'm sure, regretted coming with us)

Does that sound like a happily engaged couple?

yeah, definitely not.

Here is where I get emotional.

This is the part that everything started turning around and I began realizing that I was not supposed to marry him.

It's where I began realizing that adoption was the best thing...

and, although I was not aware of it at the time,

this is also where Dustin and Andrea come in.

March 17, 2008.

was Kris's 19th birthday.

We spent most of the day together since it was his birthday.

We spent most of the day arguing and disagreeing on just about everything. 

Around 5:00,

we drove to the temple.

He got out and walked around the temple grounds.

I drove to the edge of the parking lot,

where no cars were parked,

parked my car,

and cried.

I remember staring out my window and praying that I know what to do.

I wanted so badly for this to work out. 

I wanted my baby to have everything. 

I was lost and I didn't know what to do. 

It was the first time that I decided that I was going to really try and listen for an answer. 

I was going to try to set aside the answer that I wanted, and try to listen for the right answer. 

I personally think that this was the day we both began realizing that getting married was not the right thing.

we were both having second thoughts.

(whether he admits it or not) 

My pondering and looking for an answer was cut short when Kris's mom pulled up next to me.

In the meantime,

on this same day,

Dustin and Andrea were finally approved for adoption and their profile went up online.

About a week later,

Kris and I were driving home from getting our marriage license.

About 5 minutes before we pulled in to his neighborhood,

we began a serious talk.

a talk that ended with me giving him back the ring.

I was bawling.

I was crying so hard that I couldn't move.

at that moment I realized something that deep down,

I always knew was the right thing.

I knew what I was supposed to do and it was painful to think about.

I was supposed to place this baby for adoption.

When Kris got out of the car, I pulled out of the drive way, and my phone beeped. 

It was a text message from my mom that said "Do you need me?"

I began crying even harder.

I couldn't understand how she knew I needed her.

But she did.

I replied yes,

and we met at the park. 

and, 

well,

you know the rest of the story.

This story is so vital in my life. 

It is something I will always remember. 

It's hard to explain, 

but I know Adoption was the right thing plainly because of this story. 

because of the way I felt. 

I felt so at peace and finally calm after giving Kris the ring. 

I felt like a mountain was lifted off of my chest. 

and that was the reason I was crying.
Because I didn't want it to be right.

Many couples say,

Adoption is hard, but worth it. 

That goes for birth parents too. 

it's very very hard.

the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life.

But in the end,

seeing the joy Avery brings to Dustin and Andrea,

seeing her complete happiness,

and knowing that she is better off, 

is so so worth it.

The Peace and Relief of 2010

I feel like this post doesn't make sense..I hope it does.

It's hard to put things like this in words.

so I'm apologize in advance if it doesn't!

*****

A Few Months ago I realized something.

I was trying to figure out WHY in the world the constant ache I was feeling from the loss of Placing Avery wasn't leaving.

After much pondering and praying,

I realized that I missed one of the last steps of the repentace process.

forgiving myself.

I took more than a year for me to realize this.

I began thinking that I needed to talk to the Bishop.

To make sure I wasn't missing anything.

I wanted the pain to go away.

Two days after thinking that I needed to talk to the Bishop,

I walked upstairs to my dad (Who is the Bishops Secretary).

He told me that the Bishop wanted to meet with me that day.

I was suprised to say the least.

It wasn't until I actually started talking to him that I broke down though...

 he said "I've been thinking about you for the last couple of days and felt like We needed to meet."

that is when the tears started.

Yeah,

Pretty sure I love my Bishop.

Anyway,

Back to what has finally happened.

It took a few weeks for me to get through the "forgiving myself" point.

I think the key to that is realizing what Christ did for us.

He died for us so that we wouldn't have to suffer for our sins for the rest of our lives if we repent.

I was feeling that gigantic hole in my heart constantly because I wasn't allowing The Atonement into my life.

I had to come to fully understand the reason for the Atonement.

I had to come to understand what Christ did for us.

He suffered for our Sins so that we could truly be forgiven of our sins.

So that we didn't have to feel that pain forever.

 My Bishop is really good at getting through to me.

He said something that really got me thinking.

I know I've heard it before, but the way he said it...got to me.

"The key to Happiness is not by living in the past, or the future, but by living in the present. Because that's really the only thing we can control."

I was having such a hard time with the mistake I made,

that I wasn't happy.

I can only fix what is NOW.

I can't change what's happened before,

and

I can't change what is going to happen.

I can only change NOW.

So now is the time to start living right.

I made one mistake and it's affected my life up until this point.

I've been so angry with myself that I haven't been able to get over the pain

 these pictures...

Avery is a lot bigger now...It's about time I finally get my life back to normal right?

(sorry...a little sidetracked)

Anyway..

Back in September,

I was visitng Avery and Andrea.

that day I realized that I didn't feel that "motherly bond" with her as I had before.

But I still felt that pain. That constant pain that I swear could kill you.

That bothered me.

a lot.

Well I just saw Avery again on December 26th to give her her Christmas present.

While I was there,

About half way through our visit,

Dustin and Andrea were standing there, Holding Avery in their arms.

I was standing in front of them, looking at Avery

and

it hit me.

I don't know what it was but I consciously thought,

"This isn't my daughter. This is Dustin and Andrea's daughter. Not mine...and I'm okay with that."

I almost broke down right there...but not of pain,

of joy...of RELIEF 

I was SO HAPPY that I finally felt what I'd been looking for all of this time.

I've always felt the peace that I did the right thing.

I've always KNOWN that I did the right thing.

I've been comforted over and over again by the Spirit that I did the right thing,

that Avery was Dustin and Andrea's daughter.

But the pain never went away.

I realized at that moment though,

The I was finally honestly and truly content with my decision.

My heart was no longer aching.

Don't get me wrong,

I know I will still have my days.

I will have my moments...but it won't be the constant pain.

I'm finally at peace.

What a great way to start off the new year.

Christmas!

This Christmas was amazing.

I love the feeling of Christmas morning,

I love the lessons we have in church,

I love the feeling of it all around.

It's a time to remember the birth of our Savior and all he has done for us.

Christmas is by far my favorite Holiday.

We had my grandparents over on Christmas morning too which is always an adventure (those of you that know my Oma and Opa know what I'm talking about.) They are very entertaining. I love them!

Just a few pictures:

My Sister and Brother in Law's New puppy

Mary's Dream

I've had a harder time than usual getting in to the Spirit of Christmas.

I don't know why, but it was really starting to bother me.

Then, the other day in Institute,

I had sort of a harsh reminder.

A girl got up and read something that really got to me.

I want to share.

Mary's Dream

I had a dream, Joseph. I don't understand it, not really, but I think it was about a birthday celebration for our son. I think that was what it was all about. The people had been preparing for it for about six weeks. They had decorated the house and bought new clothes. They'd gone shopping many times and bought elaborate gifts.

 It was peculiar, though, because the presents weren't for our son. They wrapped them in beautiful paper and tied them with lovely bows and stacked them under a tree. Yes, a tree, Joseph, right in their house. They'd decorated the tree also. The branches were full of glowing balls and sparkling ornaments. There was a figure on the top of the tree. It looked like an angel might look. Oh, it was beautiful.

 Everyone was laughing and happy. They were all excited about the gifts. They gave the gifts to each other, Joseph, not to our son. I don't think they even knew him. They never mentioned his name. Doesn't it seem odd for people to go to all that trouble to celebrate someone's birthday if they don't know him? I had the strangest feeling that if our son had gone to this celebration he would have been intruding.

 Everything was so beautiful, Joseph, and everyone so full of cheer, but it made me want to cry. How sad for Jesus - not to be wanted at his own birthday celebration. I'm glad it was only a dream. How terrible, Joseph, if it had been real.

Christ is the reason for the season. It's not the presents, the lights, or the shopping.

It's about giving, helping others and remembering the birth of our Savior.

It's hard for me to remember sometimes and I am so grateful I heard this when I did. 

It really put things into perspective for me.

It wasn't me.

I had a conversation with my mom today while were running errands.

I have been trying to figure out how to respond to all of the compliments from people telling me that I'm amazing for placing Avery for adoption...especially when it's face to face.

It's hard to come up with a response to that.

They are the sweetest comments I have ever recived,

and believe you me, I am very very flattered and feel good hearing it,

but it's hard to respond because of the way I feel about the whole thing.

After talking to my mom though,

I was able to find the words I needed,

and I'm going to try to explain here.

There is so much I want to say...but here is my attempt.

It's not me that is amazing.

It is This Gospel.

I was carried through the entire adoption process.

I look back today and think "How did I do that?"

But then again,
I know how.

It wasn't just me doing it alone.

The minute I realized that adoption was the right decision,

The minute I met Dustin and Andrea,

I was carried through it all.

Prayer.

without it, I wouldn't have felt the peace I felt.

I just want to quote a scripture.

1 Nephi 18:3

And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did pray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things.

Not only was I constantly praying, but other were praying for me. 
I was told that all of the time and I have so much gratitude for all of them.

I think back to how I felt during the whole process.

the peace that was in my heart,

the surety that I was doing the right thing.

I wouldn't have felt that way if it was just me doing it alone.

This Gospel was my help.

I couldn't and wouldn't have done it without it.

I wouldn't have had the strength.

I asked, and I received this strength.

3 Nephi 14:7

Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened.

Prayer is such a powerful thing and so is This Gospel.

Dustin and Andrea don't have me to thank,

they have The Savior; The Gospel.

The love I have for Avery is so real.

I love her more than anything else in this world.

But I know she is not mine.

She is, and always has been, Dustin and Andrea's Daughter.

She was meant for them and their family for eternity...

and thanks to The Atonement and This Gospel,  she is.

It is so hard to explain how I feel about it.

Don't get me wrong,

It makes me feel good when people tell me I'm amazing!

I helps the self confidence a little.

But I just felt like I needed to make this clear.

I am a different person because of this experience,

but I am in no way amazing.

I didn't do it alone.

I couldn't have done it alone.

So those of you that think you could never do it,

I assure you that if you allowed the Spirit into your heart,

you could.

Because with the Saviors help,

We can overcome anything.

Wrap Up

For the last day of National Adoption Month,

I am going to name 30 things I'm grateful for.

(since there are 30 days in the month)

Because ADOPTION is definitely something to be grateful for.

1. Adoption
2. Avery
3. Dustin and Andrea
4. Family
5. Friends
6. My Bishop
7. That I have a job
8. that I have a job I love
9. School
10. my car
11. The Gospel
12. My dog :-)
13. My Laptop
14. A home
15. Good Neighbors
16. A Good Ward
17. An Open Adoption
18. My Health
19. The Prophet
20. My blog supporters
21. Technology
22. A brother in law that is good with Microsoft Word
23. That my best friend is a Math Major
24. Letters from Paul
25. Our Country
26. Food
27. The mailman
28. My cell phone
29. Dennys
30. THAT I HAVE A BLOG

"Here you go. Maybe this will help."

DON'T FORGET TO READ THE HOPING TO ADOPT COUPLE FOR TODAY! IT'S THE ONE BEFORE THIS POST!

*****
So early early Friday morning,

Me, My two younger sisters (Emilee and Kaitlyn), my Mom, my aunt MaryJane, my cousin Courtney and my friend Terri and her Husband all went to the the opening night of Twilight.

You have NO idea how long I had anticipated it.

I COULD NOT wait.

I'm in love with Jacob.

I'm a Jacob fan ALL THE WAY!

We went to the 2:45am showing.

We bought the tickets two months ago..the 2:45 showing was the only one left!

Let me just say,

I was NOT disappointed.

Really. I saw it again last night with my little brother.

haha I LOVE it.

Jacob is so attractive!

Anyway,

Emilee, Kaitlyn and I made shirts on Thursday night before the movie:

All three of us are Jacob Fans.

(Emilee's shirts says "Not Me" on the back..in case you were wondering ;))

Me, Emilee, MJ, and Courtney

It was SO fun.

SO worth the money (both times)

and SO worth being up until 5:30 am.

You should go see it.

So,

Yesterday I was in class.

The whole class was having a discussion.

One girl started talking about her son.

(she's about my age)

Usually I would be fine.

But for some reason that started a stream of emotion.

I began REALLY missing Avery and started wishing I had a daughter to tell stories about.

It was just one of those moments. I couldn't relate to this girl, because I am not the mother of the little girl I gave birth too. 

(I had about 6 hours of sleep, which is usually the amount of sleep I've been getting.)

I then started tuning everyone out.

I was working on keeping the tears from falling out of my eyes.

So I began texting a birthmom that I have not met IRL yet, but we text all the time and she always makes me feel better.  Her name is Nicole.

Well,

after her first reply,

Andrea texted me asking how I was doing.

She always does this.

It's like she knows when I'm having a hard time and I can't take it anymore.

So I just replied telling her I was fine and asked her a question about when they will be approved and on LDSFS site to adopt again.

She answered the question and then said "Are you sure you're okay?"

I swear I stared at the text for a whole two minutes.

I was trying to figure out if I had said anything that made her think I wasn't.

We had been texting each other a couple hours before that and I was fine.

So I replied asking her what made her text me.

and then told her how I was feeling.

She said she just sometimes got fleeting thoughts to contact me and see how I'm doing.

I Love her.

we talked for a few more minutes and then about a half hour later, Dustin texted me.

(At this point,

I was doing better.

Both Nicole and Andrea had calmed me down and I wasn't trying to hold back tears anymore. )

He said that he was sorry I was having a hard time.

I replied letting him know that I was doing better...

and this was his response:

"Here you go. Maybe this will help."

haha I lauged for about 10 minutes and was suddenly completely fine.

I love them.

Seriously.

Dustin and Andrea always know what to say.

and Dustin knew I had seen Twilight the night before and that I love Jacob/Taylor Lautner.

(he's only two years younger than me..that's not bad. lol)

I came home after class, took a nap and when I woke up I was feeling so comforted.

I had to say a silent prayer in thanks for Dustin and Andrea.

Andrea is so close to the spirit.

She is always listening and acting on the promptings she receives.

I know that's how she knew something was wrong.

Film and Culture

My goal this semester has been to get a 4.0.

I have been taking only 3 classes this Semester (11 Credits)

(not including Insititute)

so It wouldn't be that hard.

Well,

One of those classes are Film and Culture.

It is a Humanities credit.

Here is a little how the first day of class went:

I walked in, looked over and noticed my teacher was a girl

(which kind of caught me off guard since the name on the schedule was a mans name)

When I was about to sit down this teacher started talking.

It was at the moment that I realized this was not a girl.

It was a man.

A transvestite.

I looked around at everyone in the class trying to figure out if I was the only one shocked by this discovery and somewhat nauseas. 

I did notice a few big eyes but nothing as shocking as I felt.

Then we started going over the Syllabus.

The teacher went on to explain that most of the movies we would be watching in this class were going to be rated R and that if anyone was uncomfortable with that, they should drop out now.

If we missed class, our grade would drop half a grade.

I remember sitting there arguing with myself.

I KNEW that I should probably drop out.

Here was my way of rationalizing myself into staying in the class.
and that's exactly what happened.

"There are no other humanities classes that I can take that aren't filled. I need to get this over with.  The movies won't be that bad since they all pertain to culture. It's for class so watching a rated R movie won't go against my values."

yeah I know. Pathetic.

After choosing to stay,

we have watched movie after movie that made me physically sick almost every time.

I managed to get through the movies that were rated R mainly because of the language

(which still bothered me).

I did NOT however, appreciate the movies about homosexuality.

It was just promoting homosexuality, and bringing the Church into it.

I have already missed class one time.

(because I forgot about class due to my busy schedule and I was kicking myself for it all day afterwards.)

So there went my 4.0

I would have an A- in that class, but it was close enough.

But today,

When I went to class.

The teacher announced the movie, which was a film about Christ.

We have already watched one movie about Christ that brought probably the worst feeling to me that I have EVER felt and I will NOT allow that feeling again.

I have a testimony of this Gospel.

I have a testimony of Christ and what He did for us.

So when we were sent to get food before the movie I started feeling very emotional.

I wasn't sure why.

I called my mom and asked her if she had any information about this movie and if she thought it would be okay to see.

My mom looked up the reviews and tried to decide with me on whether or not I should stay to see it.

I was praying silently while I talked to her for an answer to what I should do.

While she was looking it up I had this really strong emotion come over me and I started crying.

I started to realize that the only reason I wanted to stay was because of my grade. That was it.

The reasons I would leave was because of my Testimony of the Gospel.

If this movie was going to be anything like the last one we watched, I didn't even want a HINT of that horrible feeling I felt.  I told my mom I didn't think I was going to stay and I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why I just couldn't stop crying.

I was emotional all the way home because I was so angry with myself for taking this class.

When I got home,

my emotion left.  I prayed that if I had made the right decision not to go, then to help me forget about that class for the next couple of hours that I was supposed to be in class.

and that's exactly what happened.

I made the wrong decision to take this class.

I should have just dropped out.

I knew that taking it was the wrong decision, but I was doing it because I needed a Humanities credit NOW for some reason.

I'm embarrased to say I even allowed myself to watch some of the things I saw in that classroom.

It opened my eyes to how scary this world is.

Although the homosexuality video angered me and I would have been better off NOT seeing it,

the other movie about Christ angered me more.  The feeling it brought was one I have never felt before and one I will NOT let myself ever feel again.