Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Adoption is hard, but worth it.

Today I was reminded of experiences that lead to my decision to place.

I began really thinking, in depth about what led me to call off the wedding,
and to decide on adoption.

I got very choked up while remembering.

Throughout the whole engagement,
it seemed that everything pertaining to the wedding plans were working out perfectly.
really.

Let me just name a few:

* My uncle and his family had just moved from their house in Provo to Oregon.
He had been renting his Provo house out to his Brother in law, who miraculously wouldn't need it anymore and would be moving out just weeks after our wedding date. My uncle told me he would let us live there for only $500/month. This house was huge. It had 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, an office and many other luxuries that were way more than what we needed. It was so generous. So, we already had a house.

* I went shopping for my wedding dress.  I found the perfect one at the first store, on the first day of shopping. It was a good price and we purchased it that day. There's my dress

* We found a church that is gorgeous.  Since we wouldn't have been able to marry in the temple, I wanted to do the ceremony there.  It was seriously the most beautiful church I have ever seen. Unfortunately, so many people wanted their wedding/reception there, that the stake had recently made a rule that only people in the stake could use it for weddings.  Well, my dad went in and talked to the stake president.  My dad had lived there when he was younger and he was hoping he could talk him in to letting us use it.  He succeeded.  We got the church and the day we had set for our Wedding, was one of the very few days that the church wasn't being used. So, we had a place set for the wedding.

* we needed furniture for the house and there was no way we could afford buying it all.  a couple of days after realizing this, my uncle called and told me that his Brother and law was going to leave his furniture in the living room because he wasn't going to need it for a few months.  So, there we had our furniture.

I could go on and on, but to save space, I won't. 
Everything and I mean everything  was working out.

because of this, I began telling myself even more that this was supposed to happen.
That I was supposed to marry him.
It wouldn't work out the way it was if I wasn't supposed to.

However,
during all of this I was in the worst mood.
and it got even worse whenever Kris was around.
I wanted nothing to do with him and we argued every time we were around each other.
We couldn't even agree on a song to dance to at the wedding.

We went to IKEA one day to look for some things,
and we did not agree on ANY style.
he ended up leaving and doing his own thing while I complained about him to my aunt the rest of the time.
(who, I'm sure, regretted coming with us)

Does that sound like a happily engaged couple?
yeah, definitely not.

Here is where I get emotional.
This is the part that everything started turning around and I began realizing that I was not supposed to marry him.

It's where I began realizing that adoption was the best thing...
and, although I was not aware of it at the time,
this is also where Dustin and Andrea come in.

March 17, 2008.
was Kris's 19th birthday.

We spent most of the day together since it was his birthday.
We spent most of the day arguing and disagreeing on just about everything. 

Around 5:00,
we drove to the temple.
He got out and walked around the temple grounds.
I drove to the edge of the parking lot,
where no cars were parked,
parked my car,
and cried.

I remember staring out my window and praying that I know what to do.
I wanted so badly for this to work out. 
I wanted my baby to have everything. 
I was lost and I didn't know what to do. 

It was the first time that I decided that I was going to really try and listen for an answer. 
I was going to try to set aside the answer that I wanted, and try to listen for the right answer. 

I personally think that this was the day we both began realizing that getting married was not the right thing.
we were both having second thoughts.
(whether he admits it or not) 

My pondering and looking for an answer was cut short when Kris's mom pulled up next to me.

In the meantime,
on this same day,
Dustin and Andrea were finally approved for adoption and their profile went up online.

About a week later,
Kris and I were driving home from getting our marriage license.

About 5 minutes before we pulled in to his neighborhood,
we began a serious talk.
a talk that ended with me giving him back the ring.
I was bawling.

I was crying so hard that I couldn't move.
at that moment I realized something that deep down,
I always knew was the right thing.
I knew what I was supposed to do and it was painful to think about.

I was supposed to place this baby for adoption.

When Kris got out of the car, I pulled out of the drive way, and my phone beeped. 
It was a text message from my mom that said "Do you need me?"

I began crying even harder.
I couldn't understand how she knew I needed her.
But she did.

I replied yes,
and we met at the park. 

and, 
well,
you know the rest of the story.

This story is so vital in my life. 
It is something I will always remember. 
It's hard to explain, 
but I know Adoption was the right thing plainly because of this story. 

because of the way I felt. 
I felt so at peace and finally calm after giving Kris the ring. 
I felt like a mountain was lifted off of my chest. 
and that was the reason I was crying.
Because I didn't want it to be right.
Many couples say,
Adoption is hard, but worth it. 

That goes for birth parents too. 
it's very very hard.
the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life.

But in the end,
seeing the joy Avery brings to Dustin and Andrea,
seeing her complete happiness,
and knowing that she is better off, 
is so so worth it.

16 comments:

StefanieJinelle said...

I love, love, love, love this post.

susieclayton said...

You are so sweet and good. Thank you for this beautiful post and your blog.

Mae AJ and Conner said...

Amazing Post...

Sharon said...

Bawling tears Andee! Such a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing! HUGS!

birthmothertalks said...

I agree that adoption is hard, but even with all the pain, I wouldn't wish my daughter was never born. So yea it is worth it.

Amanda Allen said...

i love you andee!

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

Wonderful post!

myshel_01 said...

:-)

Andrew and Brianna said...

That was beautiful...thank you for sharing! Sorry, you don't even know me, but I saw your story posted on the rhouse long ago, and I love your blog. My husband and I are hoping to adopt, and I am amazed whenever I hear of a birthmother's story!

Nicole said...

So, I never get time to check your blog anymore and randomly I had time today.. Let me just say, I SO needed this. I have been in tears all dang day. Some days adoption is SO hard and I wonder if it was worth it. Then, I take a step back and think of how much it really has impacted my life..for the GOOD. It is worth it, thanks for the reminder. Love you.

Heather said...

so i was blog stalking and came across your blog. You such an amazing strong woman. You gave miss Avery a wonderful blessing she will be eternaly grateful for.. i found your couples blog and saw the date you daughter was born and my little angel girl was born the same day 832am 7lbs 1oz 21 inches long.. wow what a small world.. our angels are the same age..she is such a beautiful girl, i am so proud of you.. you have such a amazing story :) keep smiling and putting your trust in our lord Jesus Christ. :)

Ron and Jessica said...

Adoption is so amazing! Great post :)

jennifer said...

What a beautiful story Andee

Mrs. Black said...

Love you andee! You are amazing!

Mom said...

I have my own story about the incredible spirit I felt on this day too. I don't have any doubt that the Lord was involved in this decision. I am so impressed with the strength you had during that time to open your heart and mind so you could make the right decision for your baby. It was a testimony to me that when you need an answer all you have to do is ask. Our Heavenly Father is just waiting for us to come to Him.

Shian said...

What a touching post! Thank you for sharing.