The Peace and Relief of 2010

I feel like this post doesn't make sense..I hope it does.

It's hard to put things like this in words.

so I'm apologize in advance if it doesn't!

*****

A Few Months ago I realized something.

I was trying to figure out WHY in the world the constant ache I was feeling from the loss of Placing Avery wasn't leaving.

After much pondering and praying,

I realized that I missed one of the last steps of the repentace process.

forgiving myself.

I took more than a year for me to realize this.

I began thinking that I needed to talk to the Bishop.

To make sure I wasn't missing anything.

I wanted the pain to go away.

Two days after thinking that I needed to talk to the Bishop,

I walked upstairs to my dad (Who is the Bishops Secretary).

He told me that the Bishop wanted to meet with me that day.

I was suprised to say the least.

It wasn't until I actually started talking to him that I broke down though...

 he said "I've been thinking about you for the last couple of days and felt like We needed to meet."

that is when the tears started.

Yeah,

Pretty sure I love my Bishop.

Anyway,

Back to what has finally happened.

It took a few weeks for me to get through the "forgiving myself" point.

I think the key to that is realizing what Christ did for us.

He died for us so that we wouldn't have to suffer for our sins for the rest of our lives if we repent.

I was feeling that gigantic hole in my heart constantly because I wasn't allowing The Atonement into my life.

I had to come to fully understand the reason for the Atonement.

I had to come to understand what Christ did for us.

He suffered for our Sins so that we could truly be forgiven of our sins.

So that we didn't have to feel that pain forever.

 My Bishop is really good at getting through to me.

He said something that really got me thinking.

I know I've heard it before, but the way he said it...got to me.

"The key to Happiness is not by living in the past, or the future, but by living in the present. Because that's really the only thing we can control."

I was having such a hard time with the mistake I made,

that I wasn't happy.

I can only fix what is NOW.

I can't change what's happened before,

and

I can't change what is going to happen.

I can only change NOW.

So now is the time to start living right.

I made one mistake and it's affected my life up until this point.

I've been so angry with myself that I haven't been able to get over the pain

 these pictures...

Avery is a lot bigger now...It's about time I finally get my life back to normal right?

(sorry...a little sidetracked)

Anyway..

Back in September,

I was visitng Avery and Andrea.

that day I realized that I didn't feel that "motherly bond" with her as I had before.

But I still felt that pain. That constant pain that I swear could kill you.

That bothered me.

a lot.

Well I just saw Avery again on December 26th to give her her Christmas present.

While I was there,

About half way through our visit,

Dustin and Andrea were standing there, Holding Avery in their arms.

I was standing in front of them, looking at Avery

and

it hit me.

I don't know what it was but I consciously thought,

"This isn't my daughter. This is Dustin and Andrea's daughter. Not mine...and I'm okay with that."

I almost broke down right there...but not of pain,

of joy...of RELIEF 

I was SO HAPPY that I finally felt what I'd been looking for all of this time.

I've always felt the peace that I did the right thing.

I've always KNOWN that I did the right thing.

I've been comforted over and over again by the Spirit that I did the right thing,

that Avery was Dustin and Andrea's daughter.

But the pain never went away.

I realized at that moment though,

The I was finally honestly and truly content with my decision.

My heart was no longer aching.

Don't get me wrong,

I know I will still have my days.

I will have my moments...but it won't be the constant pain.

I'm finally at peace.

What a great way to start off the new year.