Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Peace and Relief of 2010

I feel like this post doesn't make sense..I hope it does.
It's hard to put things like this in words.
so I'm apologize in advance if it doesn't!

*****
A Few Months ago I realized something.
I was trying to figure out WHY in the world the constant ache I was feeling from the loss of Placing Avery wasn't leaving.

After much pondering and praying,
I realized that I missed one of the last steps of the repentace process.
forgiving myself.

I took more than a year for me to realize this.

I began thinking that I needed to talk to the Bishop.
To make sure I wasn't missing anything.
I wanted the pain to go away.

Two days after thinking that I needed to talk to the Bishop,
I walked upstairs to my dad (Who is the Bishops Secretary).
He told me that the Bishop wanted to meet with me that day.
I was suprised to say the least.

It wasn't until I actually started talking to him that I broke down though...
 he said "I've been thinking about you for the last couple of days and felt like We needed to meet."
that is when the tears started.

Yeah,
Pretty sure I love my Bishop.

Anyway,
Back to what has finally happened.
It took a few weeks for me to get through the "forgiving myself" point.
I think the key to that is realizing what Christ did for us.
He died for us so that we wouldn't have to suffer for our sins for the rest of our lives if we repent.

I was feeling that gigantic hole in my heart constantly because I wasn't allowing The Atonement into my life.
I had to come to fully understand the reason for the Atonement.
I had to come to understand what Christ did for us.
He suffered for our Sins so that we could truly be forgiven of our sins.
So that we didn't have to feel that pain forever.

 My Bishop is really good at getting through to me.
He said something that really got me thinking.
I know I've heard it before, but the way he said it...got to me.

"The key to Happiness is not by living in the past, or the future, but by living in the present. Because that's really the only thing we can control."

I was having such a hard time with the mistake I made,
that I wasn't happy.

I can only fix what is NOW.
I can't change what's happened before,
and
I can't change what is going to happen.
I can only change NOW.

So now is the time to start living right.
I made one mistake and it's affected my life up until this point.
I've been so angry with myself that I haven't been able to get over the pain

 these pictures...


Avery is a lot bigger now...It's about time I finally get my life back to normal right?
(sorry...a little sidetracked)

Anyway..
Back in September,
I was visitng Avery and Andrea.
that day I realized that I didn't feel that "motherly bond" with her as I had before.
But I still felt that pain. That constant pain that I swear could kill you.

That bothered me.
a lot.

Well I just saw Avery again on December 26th to give her her Christmas present.
While I was there,
About half way through our visit,
Dustin and Andrea were standing there, Holding Avery in their arms.
I was standing in front of them, looking at Avery
and
it hit me.
I don't know what it was but I consciously thought,

"This isn't my daughter. This is Dustin and Andrea's daughter. Not mine...and I'm okay with that."

I almost broke down right there...but not of pain,
of joy...of RELIEF 

I was SO HAPPY that I finally felt what I'd been looking for all of this time.

I've always felt the peace that I did the right thing.
I've always KNOWN that I did the right thing.
I've been comforted over and over again by the Spirit that I did the right thing,
that Avery was Dustin and Andrea's daughter.

But the pain never went away.
I realized at that moment though,
The I was finally honestly and truly content with my decision.
My heart was no longer aching.

Don't get me wrong,
I know I will still have my days.
I will have my moments...but it won't be the constant pain.

I'm finally at peace.
What a great way to start off the new year.

11 comments:

Andrea said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. What a beautiful post. We love you so much. Thank you for your strength.

Megan said...

This is a great post. I'm really glad to hear it has gotten easier for you. Avery is a very, very, very lucky girl to have a birth mom who is so unbelievably understanding. You're awesome, Andee. I know going through this is harder for many to be able to understand without actually going through it, but I'm really impressed with you.

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

What a great post!

Michelle said...

Wow, fantastic way to start the new year. Reading this just makes me ache for our birth mother, because I know in my heart she still has that constant pain and still has not yet found that peace that you have found, and here she is...having to do it all over again when her/our baby boy is born in just 4 weeks. I worry about her, a lot.

DanyaLynd said...

You are such a wonderful example to me and so many other people! I'm so grateful you write your words down for us to read. They're truly a blessing!

swimmingviolist said...

Wow! What an amazing Post Andee! I loved that quote that your Bishop shared with you! I can definitely relate, but not in the same situation. I haven't been able to move on from a Trial that I have had a hard time with for 10 years! And a few years ago I realized of what I needed to do for myself, and I have mostly done the deed to move on, but I still need to do one Last thing! Which is what you mentioned in this last post. I sometimes blame myself from what had happened even though I know it wasn't my fault, I have often felt Angered at someone for hurting me so! It hasn't been easy! But I wouldn't have done it with out the Love, and Kindness of Heavenly Father with the Atonement! My goal this year is to finally forgive myself and get back on Track! Thank you so much for Posting that! It made sense to me all the way! :D

Perla said...

what a beautiful testimony of the power of the atonement and its personal effects in your life. thanks for sharing.

Michelle said...

HEY! Where did my blog go!?! DIdn't even get a chance to comment on it! HAHA!

Nicole said...

This is really exciting Andee! It made my night knowing that you are so happy! :) So cool! Congratulations..that's really a huge accomplishment!
Love you!

Carlotta said...

I'm reading a book by Wendy Ulrich, Forgiving Ourselves, it's amazing.

Anonymous said...

A google search for 'wisdom teeth bruising' brought me to your site. I kept reading because your story is inspiring. You, and the adoptive parents, have saved Avery from feelings of abandonment. Her questions of who am I? and where do I come from? can be answered naturally through her ongoing relationship with you. Wishing you well. Angela