Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I've been having lots of dreams lately.
They've all been different...except for one little detail.


It is wierd that after a year and a half I am STILL struggling with this?

My last dream, the one I dreamt last night, included his mom.
and it was emotional.
I woke up crying.

I told myself I wasn't going to post about him again...but I just have to.
I can't hold it in anymore...and this blog here, it's like my Journal.

SO yes, sometimes I might put some personal struggles on here
(I am aware that it is public..which is why I don't put SUPER personal things up here...but I made this blog to talk about my struggles)

Since Keltson died,
I have felt like the 3rd wheel everywhere I go.

Especially because both the people that we hung out with at the end of his life...were married not even a year after he died.

These videos leave me bawling everytime.

ALL of the words in both of these songs fit perfectly.
The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'll see him again someday.

It's hard to have faith...when I don't understand why he was taken from us.
I miss him so much. I have never had a friend like him. No one can take his place.
I just wish I could talk to him now and hear the advice he has to give me about my current struggles.

I wish I could see MY future too. It would help a lot.

There. I'm done. Sorry to complain again.
I just had to get it out.

and I WISH that the dreams I had didn't make me miss him more.
I just want them to stop.


Blake and BreeAnn said...

I used to have nightmares about Joe after he died. I did up until a little after I met Blake actually. They were just like really distrubing dreams, I HATED it. Whenever that would happen I'd go visit his grave and put some flowers there and seriously for some reason that always made the dreams stop for a while.
Maybe try that!

StefanieJinelle said...

I'm crying right now about this.I had a dream last night about Jessica. And her mom was in it as well. We'll have to hang out so you don't feel like the 3rd wheel, of course, when my fiance isn't in town. It's been nice to just get away from Utah- but even in my dreams- I can't escape from what's happened. I love you girly. Text me anytime.

Perla said...

i know you don't really know me but i have personal experience with this, as well. i used to hate the dreams that i would have that would make me wake with such an ache and missing somebody so much. but something happened and i don't have time to go into it on a comment, but it changed my way of thinking so that every time i would dream of that person and it would feel so real, instead of waking up and feeling upset, i would still feel emotional but i would be grateful. i would say, "oh my gosh, heavenly father! thank you! that was so real, it felt just like i was with him just now. thank you for allowing me that glimpse and that time spent with him to help get me through until i'll see him again in places other than dreams" and then those types of dreams truly became a blessing to me. might sound weird, but if you pray for that, it might be able to transform into something like that for you...just an idea. not saying its easy.

Krystal said...

I wish I knew the right words to say to make things better... there is really no sense in a death like Keltson's and I truly can't understand what you're going through, but I'm here for you if you ever need anything, okay??

Candace said...

I'm sorry Andee, I lost a very close friend of mine almost two years ago. Somedays it gets better and somedays it hurts like it was yesterday. I hope you can find peace... I will be praying for you!

Nicole said...

Oh this breaks my heart..I'm SO sorry! Unfortunately, I sort of know how it feels. Thinking of you! Love you.