Wednesday, October 7, 2009


It is almost October 11th. Just DAYS away.
That will mean it's been 1 year since Keltsons death.

I have been thinking a lot lately.
For the most part, I'm pretty calm and okay with things.

I had my breakdown a few nights ago.
I was NOT handling this well.

To get all of my feelings out,
I made a post.
Keep in mind, I was very upset.

I feel however, that this post needs to be published.

I didn't publish it because I felt that it would come acrossed as me "needing attention".
I assure you that that is NOT why I made this post.

I hope I don't regret this...
But this is what happens during my breakdowns.
We all have them.
We all NEED to have them.

This is how I get even during a moment where I am having a difficult time with placement.

SO, here is my "venting" post:

(fair warning. I was 8 months pregnant and had been emotional all day prior to these pictures being taken. So I look SOOOOOOO bad and swollen from water retention...I'm sorry I alway warn you...but really. These are BAAD. lol.)

I am not making this post for attention.
I am not making this post for anyone to feel sorry for me.
I am making this post to vent.

Just simply vent.

Almost 1 year ago October 11th, my best friend passed away.

I can't explain in words what complete and utter sadness I am feeling right now.
I can't explain in words how much I miss him.

I have been doing things to keep my mind off this fact.
I don't want to think about it.
It is painful to think about how much I miss him.

to get my mind off of it,
I have been reading a LOT.

I started reading the book "The Sound of Rain" by Anita Stansfield.
I had NO IDEA what kind of book this was.

I am currently on a part where his best friend dies.
The friend that he felt so compeltely attached to.
The friend that he felt he had a future with.
The friend that made him feel like he was worth something.

This friend dies in a car accident.
This friend was hyper and doing crazy things just an hour before his accident.
Keltson did this with his family the last time he saw them.
He was goofing off and making them all laugh.

This book hits too close to home for me.
It's SOO good, but I am currently bawling.

I can't control my sobs.
I miss him so much it is causing me so much pain in every way.
I want to talk to him again and hear his voice.
I want to laugh at his stupid jokes.
I want to hear HIS laugh.
I want to hug him again.
I want to hear him tell me that my future husband is going to be lucky just to make me feel better about my situation.
I want to hear him tell me that I'm strong.
I want to go to McDonalds or Village inn with him again at 2 in the morning.
I want to go LOOKING for an open restaurant in the late hours of the night.
I want to talk to him for hours.

I miss all of that so much.
I miss his eyes. Whenever he would look at me straight into the eyes, I somehow felt like everything was okay. That as long as Keltson was there, I would be okay.

I want to hear him tell me not to worry what other people think.
I want to get allergies again everytime he comes over because he had just been with his horses and I'm terribly allergic.

I want him to notify me that he showered and changed clothes before he came over so that I WOULDN'T get allergies.
I want to take funny pictures with him again.
I want him to send funny RANDOM pictures to me through text at random times of the day.

I want to receive a text from him everyday asking "How's the little woman" (Avery) in every one of them.
I want to watch him pace back and forth in my theatre room just after watching a scary movie.
I want to watch him tease my dog.
I want to watch him with suprise as my dog goes to lay by him everytime he comes over without fail...even though he teases him.
I want to hear him talk about how amazing his mom is
I want to hear him talk about how much he loves his little sisters
I want to hear him tell me I'm beautiful.
I want to hear the voicemails on my phone he would leave that would always make me smile.

I want to warn him before he comes into my room to watch where he steps.
I want to complain to him about how uncomfortable pregnancy is.
I want to talk about the office and hear him trying to convince us that he "KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!"
I want him to ask me again why I dated Kris.
I want to tease him about how many girls he's kissed.
I want to hear him try to convince us that he wasn't a player.
I want to see his smile.
I want to hear his voice.
I want to hear him say my name.

I miss EVERYTHING about him.
I wish SOO badly that he was here.
I'm so glad we took pictures on our last night together...I just wish we had taken more.

I'll most likely regret this post tomorrow when I wake up and start going throughout my day again.
(and because I look TERRIBLE in these pictures. I had been crying all day and hadn't really gotten ready...and I was 8 months pregnant..)
But I'm posting it now...just to make myself feel better.

Sorry if it's a downer.
I'm really doing very well...I just am having a moment.

From now on, no more sad posts. Just happy!!
cause I am blessed and need to show that more!


Krystal said...

Andee, you look BEAUTIFUL in all those pictures... and you are entitled to all of these feelings and emotions. I only wish I had known your wonderful friend... he truly seems like a great guy and I am so sorry for your tragic loss... I hope the coming days are better for you. I'll be thinking of you :)

brittany michelle said...

pray for him as you pray for yourself. as much as you need help to deal with everything going on around and inside of you, he probably needs prays and blessings too, because i believe that he is part of a very important work in the next world. remain his friend, because i know he is remaining yours. i'm sure he's praying for you, because who says prayers stop when you die?

Lechelle said...

Thank you so much for sharing this, and for sharing your precious pictures. Anniversarys like this are so emotional, it's not a downer at all to hear you talk about it. Talking about it can be healing.
Sending you loves and e-hugs.

Ashley Bennion said...

Not a downer - Healing is emotional. Love you hang in there!!!!! Remember he is still there - we just can't see him!

:) said...

Terri said...

andee.. that made me cry.. miss him too.. its okay to feel that way.. Love ya!