Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Ugly Truth.

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a couple of days now...
I am forcing myself to have the guts to post it...

Throughout the past couple of weeks I have been slowly realizing something that I should have realized a long time ago.

It seems I always have to experience something horrible in order for me to understand anything. I can't ever just learn from others experiences...it has to personally happen to me.

I really wish I could get over that..because I will forever struggle if I don't.
(I have really contemplated making this post..let's hope I don't regret it)


This is me and Avery's Birthfather, Kris
(got this off his myspace account...good thing he doesn't use it anymore..haha I wanted a picture for this post)


Here's the thing.

I have had VERY bitter feelings towards him for more than a year now for pretty much two reasons:

1. Because he was against the adoption from the beginning and at times was very close to trying to stop it
and
2. Because he wasn't there through pretty much the entire pregnancy. My life was put on hold for almost a year and he didn't feel the need to put his on hold like me. He had the easy way out.

But seriously....
He DIDN'T stop the adoption.

He let it happen even though he didn't agree with it because he knew that it's what I knew was best for Avery and he trusted me.

I should be SO grateful to him for that

I wasn't able to realize this until I experienced heartbreak myself.
Jake was the first person I have ever had break up with me and let me tell you...it hurts. physically.

It hurts to feel like you're not wanted.

Kris wanted to get married.
We were ENGAGED...and I just called it off and didn't want anything to do with him anymore.....

I can see why he would want to stop the adoption now..
I'm just SO SO Grateful that he didn't.

I guess that this post is just about realization...??

The way Kris has made me feel about myself is NOTHING compared to the way Jake has made me feel about myself...

I owe Kris an apology...
I'm just not sure how to do it without sending the wrong message.

Any Suggestions?

8 comments:

Chelsey Cutler said...

Hey Andee! I just want to let you know that you are an incredibly strong woman. I really do admire you, for everything that you have been through. Love hurts, and just when you think you're done hurting, it comes back the next day.

As for Kris, I think just a phone call would do it. Just tell him how you feel about him letting you put Avery up for adoption. Easier said then done, I know. Sorry I don't have better advice.

Good luck!

StefanieJinelle said...

I think that all you really would need to do is show him this post. I wouldn't text him because he probably wouldn't take it seriously. I think a phone call will do the trick so he can hear how sincere you are with your apology. Just tell him it's been rough and you've been thinking and tell him that you're grateful for him and respect him for letting his daughter have the best life.
Even though he doesn't see it yet.

That's how I'd say it or see it. Maybe. :) I can't really say much since I have baby daddy drama right now. Ha. Good luck though!

birthMOM said...

i dont think you owe him anything, regardless of whether or not you 'broke his heart' it was his choice to not be involved in the pregnancy and rather than being a supportive participant he chose to be a hindrance, out of spite, to hurt you.

you can find the closure you need by simply acknowledging, like you did in this post, but you dont need to open the doors of communication just for the sake of a formal apology, your rationale is now out in the universe, it will find it's way to him and he can choose what he wants to do with it.

why call him up and open the lines of contact, unless that is what you want? do you really want him in your life and avery's life again? if so than that's great, call him.

if not, then tread carefully!

it was his choice to behave the way he did, you dont have to take responsibility for his choices and actions after you two broke up, therefore you have nothing to apologize for.

if all you want to do is to thank him for not stopping the adoption then tell your caseworker to simply tell him 'thank you' and leave it at that.

brittany michelle said...

Again, great post. My response:

I can see why you want to apologize, and I can see why birthmother suggests not doing anything.

I think that not saying anything is the easier road, but easier isn't always best.

I would stay a bit impersonal with a text saying to look at your blog. He can see that you are sorry, and maybe he'll look at the comments on this post and realize that you really do want to say sorry you just don't know the appropriate way to do so.

i think you should say what you feel like saying though. don't ignore your gut.

if on the other hand you want to apologize and your gut says you don't need to, then don't need to. trust your gut with this one.

Ashley Bennion said...

I guarantee you will feel a lot better if you let him know how you feel. Forgiveness is an awesome privilege from our Heavenly Father and I really think you will feel a weight lifted once you have let this go. You are one of my heros And - Love you to pieces!

Cory and Becca said...

I agree with birthmom in that you should tread carefully for various reasons. But no one can know for sure what would be the best approach in your situation except you really. You know the 'ins and outs'. From an 'outsiders perspective' (ie probably not knowing enough info) I think that a nice card or stationary note of your appreciation/apology is appropriate. It is heartfelt, yet not too impersonal (sorry I think texts are pretty impersonal for that kind of apology - am I old fashioned-ha!) and still gives 'space' unlike a phone call where unexpected emotions could arise (whether u or him) :)
Best of luck.

Amanda said...

dude.. people worship you.



ha ha

I MISS YOU DEARY

Carlotta said...

Andee,

I say send him a letter without a return address on it from another city. That way you have sent it to him and it is off your chest. :) I feel the same way, there are times where I want to thank my little girls' birth father, but I don't want to open the lines of comminucation and I don't want to tell him thank you and have it be slammed since it is such a sacred experience and I have the thought he probably wouldn't appreciate it for what it is worth. But do what is best for you.
BTW- I am COMPLETELY ENVIOUS of your new job you got. That is awesome!!