Sunday, April 17, 2011

April 15th

April 15th was the 3 year anniversary of when I met Dustin and Andrea!
That is so crazy to me. I can't believe it's been 3 years.

Andrea texted me on Friday (April 15th)
and just said that she pretty much can't believe it's been three years and we just talked about how grateful we were for meeting each other.

Then she said "Avery told me today that she is so happy"
She just randomly said that?
Coincedence? I don't think so.

I placed Avery for adoption because I wanted that for her.
I WANTED her to be happy and have every oppertunity in life possible.
That comment she made, makes me SO happy I can't even tell you.

She IS happy.
I feel like I WAS able to make her happy just like I wanted her to be.
It made me a little emotional when Andrea said that.
not that I didn't KNOW if Avery was happy or not, because TRUST me I knew that before. She is one of the happiest little girls I know.

But hearing that, means she RECOGNIZES it.
I absolutely love it.

While I was texting her I was driving in the car with Tyson.
I have been feeling so blessed lately.
Dustin and Andrea are so good to me. They have been amazing with helping me get through this.
I feel almost guilty for how good I feel about all of this and that's what I was telling Tyson.

I know quite a few birthmoms and I talk to a lot of them quite a bit.
and I feel like I am one of the VERY few that aren't...suffering anymore.
I think that's a good word for it.

I seriously don't even think of Avery as mine anymore.
Sometimes I even forget that I actually gave birth to her.
Everytime I see Her, Dustin and Andrea, it's apparant that they have always belonged together.

They fit together SO well.
Avery never was mine. She has always been theirs and I don't think of her as mine anymore.
I love her SO much and of course that will never change.
But I feel like I'm more content with this decision than a lot of other birthmoms that placed around the same time as I did are.

I know that eventually,
this point comes for most, if not all, birthmoms.
But I just feel almost heartless for feeling so content with this so early.
I told Tyson that I felt like there was something wrong with me.

He thought that was ridiculous. haha
He said that he thinks that it has a lot to do with my personality.
He said that because I'm so OCD about things; Like..I have to be organized,
I planned, even before Avery was born how this was all going to play out.

Since it all went just as I planned, I am content with it.
It went the way I wanted it to and Avery is just as happy as I always imagined her to be and she is with her family.

I understand that now a little.
Maybe it's because I knew how I wanted it to be before she was even born.
So I prepared for it earlier than most and since it turned out like I wanted it to turn out,
I'm just fine.

of COURSE, I still have days were I miss her,
but I don't feel even CLOSE to how I felt the first year.
I don't have the Mother-Daughter connection with her anymore.
it's a different connection and one that not very many people get to have.

But I'm just SO grateful for Dustin and Andrea.
THEY play a huge part in why I'm so content with everything.
They were so supportive, and helpful through the hard times I had after she was born,
that I was able to get through it so well and so quickly.

If they had tried to push me out of their lives in the first year because I was seeing her so much,
I am SURE I wouldn't feel the way I do now.

Instead, they were SO patient with me while I was slowly able to break that connection and move it to something better and healthier. My heart is filled with so much gratitude for them and this experience.
I couldn't have BEEN more blessed through all of this.

I love them and I love adoption!!

6 comments:

Andrea said...

Wow, thank you! Such kind words. We love you so much Andee. So happy to have you in my life. Words cannot express the gratitude I have for you.

Our Happy Family said...

I love it when you blog on here. I miss reading your posts and seeing pictures you put on. I know you had said you started a private blog, but I just have to say that I miss reading your posts! You are a very good writer on here and I have always enjoyed your personality that shines through on your blog. You are a wonderful example of such a strong, sweet person others should be more like! Thank you!

Adam and Andrea Daveline said...

So glad you have the peace and happiness you do, Andee. All of the parties in this situation have been amazingly blessed. LOVE YOU!

Adoption for Us said...

We just had a birth mom choose us. We are so excited to have this blessing that we've prayed for. I'm having a hard time knowing how to help our birth mom. I can sense her stress and don't know what to do for her. It's great hearing your perspective. Thanks for letting me read.

Lara said...

So good to hear this. I pray that our birth mother finds this. I don't think she has yet and I wonder if she ever will but I am so glad to know that healing does exist and there is hope for no more suffering.

choosingadoption said...

Andee - I just found your blog from ldsadoptioncouples. My husband and I are currently trying to adopt. I loved this post! I don't know why it is that we feel that if we aren't suffering then we don't really care, but I guess it is common and universal. My husband and I have been trying to have children for nearly 5 years. When we were first told we likely wouldn't be able to have kids without serious interventions it was rather devastating and I definitely got depressed for a while. But after a few months I cam to terms with the idea that just because our children couldn't come to us the way I had planned it didn't matter, we would still receive our children when the time was right. Since then we have been at peace and really enjoy our lives. And although we would gladly receive our baby today if possible, we are enjoying our time together. During this time I have talked to and read about a lot of other couples struggling with infertility. I ache for them that it is such a painful process for them. That it is difficult for them to attend church, or baby showers, etc. And sometimes I wonder if my peace and joy despite our situation means I just don't care or desire children as much as these other people who are struggling so much. But I know that isn't true. If I want Him to, the Lord will let me feel the burden He has been carrying for me - and my eyes will tear up in pain. But most of the time I am content to let Him continue helping me, and enjoying my life. The online Ensign actually included an article I submitted about the help He has provided me. If you are interested you can read it at http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility-expanded/amanda-colby?lang=eng. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your experiences, and that I absolutely don't believe there is anything wrong with you or that your peace and joy is any indication that you love your daughter any less than any other birth parents. Suffering is not the same as caring.
Amadna