I'm grateful for...#19

I have saved this one for last for a reason,

I'm grateful for Avery Leigh.

She is the reason that I am who I am today.

She is the reason I have grown the way I have.

She is the reason that I cherish Every moment of every day being a mom.

She is the reason that I look at motherhood with a whole new meaning.

Nobody else in this entire world could do to me what Avery has done.

I believe that her first mission on this earth, was to help me learn what it means to Sacrifice and what a blessing it is to be a mother.

I remember the day that I had with her in the hospital when it was just me and her.

I sat there holding her,

and she was staring up at me with what was most definitely,

a smile on her face.

I knew that she was aware of what I was doing and that she was grateful for it.

It was like she was speaking to me through her eyes.

I knew that I was doing the right thing for her.

I know her Spirit was speaking to me that day.

I just love her so much and I am so eternally grateful for her.

She changed my life forever,

and I am forever grateful for it.

I'm grateful for...#18

I'm so grateful for The Gospel.

Without it,

I know without a doubt in my mind,

that I wouldn't have been able to get through this whole experience as well as I have.

The Lord carries me through every step.

The process has gone so much more smoothly with His help.

I'm so grateful that I have been raised in this Church.
There is no way that you can experience what I have,

and not KNOW that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true.

I know it with ever Fiber of my being.

and I'm so grateful for it.

I'm grateful for...#17

I'm so grateful for Eternal families.

Although Avery is a part of D&A's family here on this earth,

and I know that without a doubt;

I also know that we are all an Eternal Family.

I know that we will all eventually be a family,

because she was sealed to D&A in the Temple.

If I hadn't placed her for adoption,
she wouldn't have been sealed to me because her birthfather and I,

wouldn't have been sealed in the temple.

Adoption makes it so she is still able to be sealed to her parents.

I just love this Gospel. 

If this post is confusing beyond belief, try reading THIS.

I go into more detail and explanation there :)

I'm grateful for...#16

Although Adoption has helped me come to understand many things,

I think one of the most apparant and incredible things it has taught me,

is what a blessing it is to be a mother.

My whole life I have always wanted to be a mother,

but it wasn't until I was faced with the decision to place Avery for adoption,

that I really came to understand what an honor it really is.

Being a mother is the greatest gift God has given me.

I thank Him every single day for this wonderful blessing.

I thank Him for allowing me to go through this Adoption experience because it really has opened my eyes to what an incredible blessing it is.

Thinking of this brings tears to my eyes.

I'm grateful for...#15

I'm grateful for all around, Adoption blogs.

I know I've mentioned two in this list,

but it wouldn't be right to not mention all of the adoption blogs out there.

Every single one of them have an impact in one way or another.

I'm grateful and blessed to say that I get to be a part of all of this.

It's an incredible thing. It really is and I am certain that reading some of these adoption blogs,

have helped me heal in ways that I can't even explain.

I'm grateful for...#14

I'm grateful for Adoption Advocates.

If you're friends with me on facebook,

you may have seen recently that I posted about the wife of a birth father,

who was being attacked by a birth mother/Adoptive mother.

She was telling her that because she wasn't a part of the adoption triad,

she should not be blogging about adoption.

That is absurd to say the least.

I was fuming angry at this nasty commenter.

How could she say that to someone that is only supporting her husband and adoption!?

I said some harsh words (which maybe I shouldn't have...but boy did she hit a nerve).

I just have to say that I'm SO grateful for those that haven't been affected by adoption first hand,

yet they still support it just as if they were.

Because they want to share how much they have been blessed by it through other people.

I'm grateful for...#13

I'm grateful for Other birthmothers.

Knowing that there's other women out there that can relate to everything is a HUGE blessing.

They have helped me get through some times that I wasn't quite sure how I was going to do it.

They've helped me know that I definitely was not alone and that there are other who have gone through it just like me.

I love that I have been able to interact with them,

one of which, has become an incredible friend.

<3 

I'm grateful for...#12

I'm grateful for FSA conference.

The first time I attended FSA, I was pregnant with Avery.

Dustin and Andrea made me aware of it and brought me with them.

I've been in love ever since.

The FSA Conference, to me is like an EFY for Adoption.

I love the way I feel about it.

I love the way Adoption makes me feel and the Spirit is always so apparant through the entire thing.

I'm grateful for...#11

I'm so grateful for a Supportive Husband and Family.

Tyson has been supportive towards me since day one.

Since the moment he discovered I was pregnant, not only was he so forgiving,

but he made me feel like I was still important and that this did not define who I was.

He wrote me all through his mission and still helped me feel like I was wanted.

He was so forgiving I just can't believe how incredible he was and has been.

He continues to support me through everything and even comes with me to the adoption presentations (when he's not working) and shares his thoughts and feelings.

I just love him!

My family as well.

If it hadn't been for them,

I can honestly say I would have died.

I was so depressed numerous amounts of times and I could always count on my mom, dad or sisters to cheer me up. My mom was especially supportive and helped me through the entire pregnancy/labor.

I'm so grateful for each and every one of them.

I'm grateful for...#10

I'm grateful for Mrs. R.

I learned about her Through Andrea right towards the end of the pregnancy.

She has done so many things for the adoption world.

She has organized events, done everything she can to help birth parents and is an all around incredible woman. She helped me get through some tough times too and her blog has done so much good.

I'm grateful for...#9

I'm not only grateful, but it was just an all around great feeling,

to know that I was placing Avery with a family that was financially stable.

They are so so great at saving their money and have always seemed like they can afford the things they need.

It was comforting to know that,

because at that time of my life, I was ANYTHING but financially stable!

haha My parents might have been,

but I wasn't even close to financially ready to raise a child.

I'm grateful for...#8

I'm grateful for Supportive Blog readers.

It felt SO GOOD to receive comment after comment from people that gave me support.

Most of them I didn't even KNOW and it was soo helpful to hear the kind words.

Not only did it help confirm to me that I did the right thing,

But it helped my self esteem too.

So,

Thanks to all of you that have been so supportive.

I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am for that!

p.s. I received a question on the post I did about music.

Besides Michael Mclean, Cheri Call (I think that's her name) sings a song called "Delivery" aboud Adoption which is SO good.

There's also a song by a man named Mark Shultz who sings a song called "everything to me"

Other than that, the song "One more Day" By diamond rio really hit home for me.

I loved all those songs. They really helped :)

I'm grateful for...#7

I'm grateful for pictures.

Not only is it so good to be able to see pictures of Avery,

but it's fun to show others that I'm close to.

Especially the ones that want to know how she is doing,

but haven't ever seen her...or only saw her in the hospital when she was born.

It's so great to have pictures where I can show others beautiful Avery.

Including those I give Adoption Presentations to.

I'm grateful for...#6

I'm grateful for Music about Adoption.

There is something about words and music together that is so comforting.

Music was something that helped me during and especially after placing Avery for Adoption.

I would listen to it all the time and even cry with it sometimes.

It was therapeutic.

It also helped me realize that someone else in this world had experienced what I'd experienced.

It helped me to know that I wasn't alone.

It also helped me express how I was feeling.

I'm grateful for...#5

I'm grateful for the Foster to Adopt program.

Without it,

I wouldn't have my cute little brothers in my life. They are so sweet and bring such a joy to everyone in the family.

I also wouldn't be married to Tyson.

It's because of Foster to adopt, that I met him.

He is the Love of my life and I am so grateful that I'm married to him.  

I'm grateful for...#4

I'm grateful for good Communication.

Without it,

Open Adoptions would be a mess.

I strongly believe that Communication is #1 in having a successful Open Adoption.

I'm so grateful that Dustin, Andrea and I have learned how to communicate,

and that if there is any miscommunication,

we're able to talk about it and get it resolved so so quickly.

<3

I'm grateful for...#3

I'm grateful for LDSFS.

The way they treat Birthmothers is so awesome.

They give us free counseling for life and not once have I ever felt like I was bugging them.

They treat Birthmothers like Gold.

It's been 3 years and I still feel like they would be there in a split second if I needed it.

I'm grateful for...#2

I'm grateful for Dustin and Andrea.

They have made the entire adoption experience so much easier than I could have ever dreamed.

Both of them always know exactly what to say when I come to them about something.

Whether it's adoption related or not,

they are incredible at getting through to me about anything.

I feel so blessed to have them in my lives.

Adoption brought them to me and I'm so grateful for it.

I have received lifelong friends through this experience.

Andrea and I have this relationship that I don't think anyone else in this entire world has.

It's brought me so much peace.

Our relationship goes so much further than just adoption and I know that not everyone can say that.

I don't know what I did to deserve the honor of knowing them,

but I'm so grateful for it.

I'm grateful for...#1

I'm so grateful for Open Adoption.

Without it,

I don't know where I'd be in my life.

Especially Emotionally.

I know without a doubt that if Open Adoption had not been available for me,

I would not have healed as well as I have.

I am 100% certain that Open Adoption is one of the biggest reasons I have been able to  move on with my life.

I'm so grateful for it and I am constantly thanking my Heavenly Father for this opportunity. 

November is good at trying to escape...but I have caught it just in time

I am very fully aware of the fact that November is National Adoption month.

I feel terrible for failing miserabely at posting about it so far. It's already the 10th!

There has been so much going on in my life that I've completely lost track of time.

I can't believe that this month is already 1/3 of the way through.

I've been trying to decide what to do about this since it's way too late to do what I usually do.

(unless you're aware of what I usually do and you want to quickly shoot me an email, I can spotlight you :))

I've decided,

that although it's going to be short and sweet,

at least it will be SOMETHING,

I'm going to post about one thing I'm grateful for everyday for the rest of the month and why.

Of course it's going to all be adoption related,

because lets face it,

Adoption has changed my life and made me who I am today.

I'm so sorry for my lack of posts.

My daughter has been experiencing some medical problems and we found out recently that she is going to need surgery; which has resulted in me feeling all sorts of emotions and being very distracted.

I hope I can make up for it somehow!

I entered Kalista into a model search for a Baby Store.

They win based on how many likes HER PICTURE receives on their Facebook page

So I have a favor to ask of all of my followers.

 

Will you PLEASE go HERE and like their page first, (the vote doesn't count unless you're a fan of their page)

and then go to Kali's picture and Like it?

I would be forever grateful.

I am hoping to get to 200 likes!!

Time for an apology

Here's another post, with my poor, very poor writing skills.

But I"m gonna try k? haha

When I'm pregnant, I'm so much more moody than anyone can even fathom.

I've been feeling pretty bad about this for quite some time,

but now I'm going to just suck it up and admit that I was wrong.

THIS is the post I'm talking about.

I don't take back the way I feel about the subject,

but I do take back the way I went about writing it.

I understand that there are good and bad ways to go about things and I know I went about this the wrong way.

I could have been more sensitive to other peoples feelings.

But in all honesty,

I have the HARDEST time understanding how someone can sit there and think Abortion is okay.

I don't get what goes on in their brains and I never will.

Here's the thing.

I get my point across when I keep my temper under control.

When I get angry about something,

I can be MEAN.

Not just rude, downright mean. Not on purpose.

I just get so frustrated that I say EXACTLY what is on my mind.

Yes I'm one of those people.

I don't really sugar coat anything. When I feel a certain way, I just say it.

That get's 10x worse when I'm pregnant.

I understand that it's bad but in all honesty, I would LOVE if people were always completely honest with me.

 That way, if they didn't like me, I wouldn't have to waste my time. Plus can you imagine that great communication!?

haha I'm serious.

Sometimes I just hate it when people don't tell me if I'm bugging them, or if they like something I said, or anything like that. I just would absolutely love it if everyone just always said what was on their mind. BUT. That's not how the world is and everyone wants to think that everyone thinks they're perfect.

Crap. I did it again.

Sorry.

Anyway,

back to why I am making this post.

That Abortion post I made was very blunt and not sugar coated at all.

I don't sugar coat the way I feel about adoption, so I figured I shouldn't sugar coat anything...cause it's the way I am!

But I am writing to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the Harsh words. I'm sorry for being so blunt.

I know this is my blog. I know I should be able to say what I want, but I have not been able to get that post off of my mind since I posted it. It's the reason I stopped writing on here so much.

It was because I was so hormonal and pregnant.

That's not a good excuse, but seriously. I'm mean when I'm pregnant.

Ask my husband. Bless him for putting up with me.

Nobody is perfect okay?

But this is my sincere apology.

I'm sorry for offending those that I offended.

I'm not saying that I agree with you, but I am saying sorry for the words that I said and the way I went about it. I should not have been so harsh.

<3

Eternal Writers Cramp

I was just reading some of my posts from 2009,

and I gotta say...

I've really lowered my writing standards since then haven't I?

I feel as though I am not even the same person as I was back then.

Which, I'm not...

but can't I still have my same writing techniques?

I'm so BORING now and I just barely realized it!

I apologize to everyone for this mishap.

It's disappointing to the max.

Pretty sure college was helping me sound intelligent.

Maybe I should go back...

haha

I feel like my life has changed so much since then and I've had so much going on,

that I've put my blog on a back burner.

So when I DO update,

it's more like word vomit.

It's not pretty.

I hope that everyone can forgive me.

I'm really not the grumpy girl that's been updating the last year...

I've just lost my writing inspiration I guess :(

Wish I have parented?

I received a question on my last post,

that is a question I have also been asked a lot so I decided to answer it in a post as well.

The question was:

I can't help but wonder, now that you are married and a mom do you ever wish you could have parented Avery since now you have a two parent household for her? In hindsight, do you regret it or do you (or her adoptive parents) worry she might wonder why she was adopted and her sibling (through birth/blood) was not?

Short Answer: No.

Long Answer:

For those of you that are also LDS,

it's probably easier for you to understand this.

But I will try my best to explain it if you are not.

We understand that families can be together forever. The way to do that is to be sealed together for time and all eternity in the Temple. When we are married, instead of parting at death, we are sealed together for Eternity. Even After death.

This is something that I have a strong Testimony of. I am so grateful that we can be together forever. I can't imagine thinking that if my Husband or Family Member or Child were to pass away that we wouldn't be a forever family! It is so comforting to know that when a family member passes on, we WILL see them again and we WILL be a family forever.

So now let me explain something as far as Avery goes.

Avery's Birthfather and I would not have stayed together.

Our marriage would not have lasted. 

We wouldn't have been sealed in the Temple, which means we wouldn't be a forever family.

How do you think Avery would feel,

if she was the only one that was not sealed to her family?

Because Tyson and I were Sealed in the Temple when we were married,

Kalista was born into the Covenant which means she was born already sealed to us.

When Dustin and Andrea adopted Avery,

they were able to take her to the Temple and be sealed to her.

The only way that Avery would have been able to be sealed to us,

is if her Birthfather allowed Tyson to adopt her and let me tell you right now,

I know for a FACT that he would not have allowed that.

So that is one Major reason that I still know that Avery is where she is supposed to be.

Not once have I wished I had parented her now that she would be living in a stable environment.

Another reason is that just because she would still have a two parent home,

she would still be going to her birthfathers home every weekend.

She would still be passed back and forth.

I gotta say,

I'm having a hard time leaving Kali at my parents house over night for mine and Tysons Anniversary...

I would DIE having to do it every single weekend!

I hope this makes sense and that I'm not just rambling,

but marrying Tyson just confirmed to me that Avery is in the right place.

She is sealed to her parents.

and I know that as long as you are sealed to your family,

that everyone is a family in heaven anyway.

We're all brothers and sisters.

SO no,

I don't wish I had parented her.

not for one second.

But I love that girl so dang much!!

Which is why I don't regret placing her.

She is better off!

and when I see a post like THIS,

it just confirms my feelings even more :)

Understanding what Adoption REALLY means.

I've been having numerous conversations,

with many different people lately about Adoption and what it means once a birthmom signs those papers.

After making the difficult decision to place her for Adoption and finding Dustin and Andrea,

I never once referred to Avery as my daughter.

Not once did I think of her that way.

I believe with 100% of my heart that Avery is and always has been Dustin and Andrea's Daughter.

She had to take a detour to get to them,

but she is NOT mine.

Signing the papers makes it so,

Even when you look at her,

it's so obvious that they are her parents.

If I didn't know any better, I would think that she was biologically born to them.

She resembles them SO much.

Nobody in my family thinks of Avery that way.

Kalista is my first child, My parents first Grandchild and my Siblings first Neice.

It's not to say that we don't love Avery.

We all do.

SO MUCH!

But it's a different kind of love.

Avery and I don't have the mother-daughter bond.

The love I have for her is unlike any love that many people will never experience.

I can't explain it.

But it's different because I know that she is Dustin and Andrea's daughter.

She was always meant for them.

So I guess the meaning for the post is this:

A lot of people misinterpret this.

A lot of people have made comments to us about how Kali isn't my only daughter, or my parents only Grand-daughter.

For those that don't understand this about Adoption,

they probably don't understand that this is very close to annoying.

haha

It kind of frustrates me when I'm talking to someone about Kali and they refer to her as a 'little sister' or when they refer to Avery as my daughter.

She's not. I have a hard time explaining this because It's hard to make not sound like I don't love Avery. I DO! I absolutely Adore that girl! But I just feel like some people need to understand the way my family and I see this Adoption.

Once I signed those papers, she was no longer my daughter.

The papers clearly state that.

I willingly did that because I always knew that Avery was going to the right place.

FSA Conference

We Attended the Families Support Adoption Conference this weekend.

It was fun!

We spent most of the time with Andrea and it's always fun to catch up with her.

Another awesome suprise was running in to Tysons case worker from when he was in Foster Care!

We had a really good long talk.

My husband is so amazing.

I'm always so in Awe at how incredible he has turned out after living the life he's lived.

I'm so lucky :)

Unfortunately,

I'm so so bad at this lately,

and I didn't take any pictures.

I took a total of ONE and it was this:

An adoptive mother gave me this Binky, because she thought Kali was the little one I placed for adoption.

But you know,

Technically,

I AM her birthmom!

hahaha.

It was a really good experience.

I always love those conferences.

and I love Andrea.

I always feel so lucky after talking to her.

I don't think there is anyone else out there that I would connect with as well as I do with Andrea.

I seriously can talk to her about anything. 

Kalista's Blessing Day

Kali's Blessing was Sunday,and Dustin Andrea and Avery came.

They saw our new place for the first time.

It was so nice seeing them.

Avery is getting SOO big!

She loves Kali and is the funniest little girl ever!

She has the cutest personality.

It's so crazy how big Avery is getting.

I swear she was just born yesterday!

I love that girl.

Two little Angels.

Private no longer.

Okay,

I've done it.

I've made my other blog public.

I don't know why I let the rude people get to me so much.

I can't believe I am admitting this to everyone,

but pretty sure,

 my Pregnancy hormones had a lot to do with it.

I talked to Tyson and he told me that he made an excuse about wanting our new blog to be private,

because he was tired of hearing me complain.

haha

SOOO,

now that I'm back to myself again,

Here it is:

My Family Blog

Contest

I'm entering a contest and I have to post a picture of her on my blog.

except, I can't do it on my private blog because they don't have access to that.

and I REALLY want to enter the contest.

So I have no other choice, but to post it here! haha

plus,

I'm feeling kinda mean and I think she's dang cute and I want to show her off! :D :S

So until July,

here's a picture I took of Kali last week.

This bow cracks me up because it's SOO huge.

It's the biggest one she has.

ha I love this picture.

The contest is filled with professional pictures.

taken with the nice cameras and such.

But we can't currently AFFORD a camera like that,

plus I'm not very talented in that area nor do I know anything about it!!

I still wanted to give it a try though!

compromise

I know a lot of people have been asking me to put pictures of our baby on this blog.

Well,

my husband has a say in it too and has been pretty against it.

I've agreed with him when hearing his arguement...

but have felt kinda guilty about it.

SO,

we came to a compromise.

ONE picture,

and

The videos of her and Avery when she came to visit in the hospital :)

Surprise

We have a suprise over on our private blog.

Check it out!

April 15th

April 15th was the 3 year anniversary of when I met Dustin and Andrea!

That is so crazy to me. I can't believe it's been 3 years.

Andrea texted me on Friday (April 15th)

and just said that she pretty much can't believe it's been three years and we just talked about how grateful we were for meeting each other.

Then she said "Avery told me today that she is so happy"

She just randomly said that?

Coincedence? I don't think so.

I placed Avery for adoption because I wanted that for her.

I WANTED her to be happy and have every oppertunity in life possible.

That comment she made, makes me SO happy I can't even tell you.

She IS happy.

I feel like I WAS able to make her happy just like I wanted her to be.

It made me a little emotional when Andrea said that.

not that I didn't KNOW if Avery was happy or not, because TRUST me I knew that before. She is one of the happiest little girls I know.

But hearing that, means she RECOGNIZES it.

I absolutely love it.

While I was texting her I was driving in the car with Tyson.

I have been feeling so blessed lately.

Dustin and Andrea are so good to me. They have been amazing with helping me get through this.

I feel almost guilty for how good I feel about all of this and that's what I was telling Tyson.

I know quite a few birthmoms and I talk to a lot of them quite a bit.

and I feel like I am one of the VERY few that aren't...suffering anymore.

I think that's a good word for it.

I seriously don't even think of Avery as mine anymore.

Sometimes I even forget that I actually gave birth to her.

Everytime I see Her, Dustin and Andrea, it's apparant that they have always belonged together.

They fit together SO well.

Avery never was mine. She has always been theirs and I don't think of her as mine anymore.

I love her SO much and of course that will never change.

But I feel like I'm more content with this decision than a lot of other birthmoms that placed around the same time as I did are.

I know that eventually,

this point comes for most, if not all, birthmoms.

But I just feel almost heartless for feeling so content with this so early.

I told Tyson that I felt like there was something wrong with me.

He thought that was ridiculous. haha

He said that he thinks that it has a lot to do with my personality.

He said that because I'm so OCD about things; Like..I have to be organized,

I planned, even before Avery was born how this was all going to play out.

Since it all went just as I planned, I am content with it.

It went the way I wanted it to and Avery is just as happy as I always imagined her to be and she is with her family.

I understand that now a little.

Maybe it's because I knew how I wanted it to be before she was even born.

So I prepared for it earlier than most and since it turned out like I wanted it to turn out,

I'm just fine.

of COURSE, I still have days were I miss her,

but I don't feel even CLOSE to how I felt the first year.

I don't have the Mother-Daughter connection with her anymore.

it's a different connection and one that not very many people get to have.

But I'm just SO grateful for Dustin and Andrea.

THEY play a huge part in why I'm so content with everything.

They were so supportive, and helpful through the hard times I had after she was born,

that I was able to get through it so well and so quickly.

If they had tried to push me out of their lives in the first year because I was seeing her so much,

I am SURE I wouldn't feel the way I do now.

Instead, they were SO patient with me while I was slowly able to break that connection and move it to something better and healthier. My heart is filled with so much gratitude for them and this experience.

I couldn't have BEEN more blessed through all of this.

I love them and I love adoption!!

Bad Dream

WOW,

I was planning on updating this blog WAYY more than I have been.

Life has been BUSY getting ready for baby and all!

Anyway,

Last week,

I took a nap.

 (I've been doing it more frequently lately due to a passing out episode I had a couple weeks ago)

and I had a bad dream..about Avery.

It's been a long time since I even had a dream about her.

But this was a bad dream. I HATE those so much.

Anyway,

After waking up from it, ALL I could think about was that dream.

I missed her so much.

You know how when you have a bad dream about someone, you feel like you have to see them just to make sure it wasn't true?

Well,

that's what this was like.

I cried everytime that dumb dream came to my mind.

Finally I texted Andrea and asked if there was a way I could come visit them for a couple of minutes...so I could put my fears at ease.

She said that I could and she would text me when they got home.

About two hours later,

She called me and asked if I just wanted them to come over to my house because they were already out this way.

And they did!

They came here and were here for about an hour or so.

I am SOO grateful for them. It meant more to me than I can express.

I LOVE open adoption.

It makes things so much better.

The SECOND I saw Avery I forgot all about the dream and didn't think about it again.

It's so wierd how big she is getting.

While they were there I observed something.

Unless you KNOW Avery is adopted,

you'd never guess.

She looks a lot like Dustin and Andrea it's so crazy.

They just 'fit' together so well.

I love seeing that.

It's SO obvious they were meant for each other.

It's SO obvious that Avery always was and always will be THEIRS.

When she was here, she was introduced to all of the animals my parents have...haha

Bird, Dog and Snake.

She kept holding the bird..and then she would get nervous and want me to take him off...and then she'd want him again. It was so funny.

She even sat by the Snakes cage with her head right next to it, and when my brother took it out, she went to grab it!

She is definitely very outgoing. NOT SHY at all.

< 3

I have had a REALLY hard time doing this.

Every single comment I received on my last post,

made it harder and harder to just abandon my blog.

After reading all of the advice,

I feel like I've put all of them together and made a decision.

Before I received the 30+ comments on my last post and on formspring,

I was going to just completely move this blog to private and not allow any access...

then once we had the blog published,

I would delete it completely.

But...

now I feel like I'm being selfish.

It means a LOT to me that so many people have benefited from this

and to be honest,

I didn't realize it.

Since I still feel like it would be best for my family to have a private,

less controversial blog,

I have already created a new one and began making my personal posts there.

But I don't think I'll delete this blog.

At least for now.

HOWEVER,

I am going to moderate ALL of the comments I receive.

I will NOT publish the hurtful, mean comments.

I won't even finish reading them if I feel that they are moving to negativity towards who I am.

I CAN'T deal with those kinds of people anymore.

And,

this blog will be about Adoption.

So,

I probably won't post very much.

The only times I will is whenever I do something pertaining to adoption,

AKA speaking at high schools, on panels, attending an adoption related event, etc..

If you want to access my private blog,

comment on this post/send me and email with your blogger email address.

I can only have 100 readers on that blog.

I am HOPING I can keep it private.

I'm not sure how it will work so that my entire family can read it,

but I do NOT want negative comments on it.

We'll see how it works :S

But again, that blog will just be about my family and our lives.

I will post on there a BUNCH!

This one,

will not have as much activity. 

But I feel too guilty deleting it completly.

Especially if there are still other people out there that can benefit.

I honestly LOVE all of my readers.

I can't explain how helpful and sweet you all are to me.

I don't wanna just abandon you!!

I'm hoping this works.

If not,

I'm going to have to completely quit posting to this blog.

and I will only keep it up until I have it published.

I am grateful for all of the comments and advice received from my last post.

It really has helped me decide...

plus it's alot less painful for me to do it this way. :)

I didn't like my last decision and was having a REALLY hard time with it.

So,
I'm not going to completely delete it.
At least for now.
But if you want to read my personal blog,
comment/email me with your blogger email address
< 3

I think I've made the decision...

I'm 99.9% sure I'm going to delete this blog...

and create a private one for my family.

I will make that final decision by the end of next week.

I think I'm done dealing with all of the negativity that comes with blogging Publicly.

When I first created this blog,

it was SOO helpful.

A lot of healing took place.

A lot of growing and learning did as well.

But I've noticed,

as time has gone on,

it's turned in to something that I don't really care for.

Something that I don't want to be involved with anymore.

I don't like feeling attacked.

I don't like feeling the way I feel when I decide to "blog stalk",

and discover things in this world that are so evil I get physically ill.

THEN,

when standing up for my beliefs,

beliefs of mine that are SOOO obvious...

I'm criticized for THAT.

A blog is supposed to be like a journal.

It's supposed to be something I can write my thoughts and feelings on.

It's what I made it for in the first place...and it's no longer that.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to constantly stand up for things that seem so obviously right...

but for some reason,

aren't to other people.

I can't live of this world anymore.

I can only live my life,

with my family,

knowing what I know to be true.

I am just so focused on what really matters in my life,

which is my family and what is best for them,

specifically my sweet daughter that will be entering this harsh world soon.

I can't continue to take part in that. 

As I write this blog,

I think that I've already made my decision.

It's just getting myself to do it that is difficult. 

This blog has been my life for two years.

Almost exactly. 

It's going to be really hard to just delete it all and create my own private one. 

But I think I've come to the conclusion that it is what's best for my family.

I really appreciate the people that support me.  

I really love the people I've met through blogging and I wouldn't change it for the world.

But it's what's best for me and my family.

So it will be deleted by next week.  

This is really hard to do and is not an easy decision.

But I believe it is the right one.

Oh.
and
Promoting adoption?
well,
that's being done just wonderfully.

I don't need a blog to do that.

20 weeks

HALF WAY!!

Yeah,

that's crazy.

I feel like it's taken forever,

but at the same time...

thinking that I only have that same amount of time to go...

seems like it's come really fast!!

We are all ready to meet our little girl,

but then again...we are SOOOO not ready!!

haha

We still need to get into our house,

set up the nursery,

and finish buying all of the stuff we need for her!

Good thing we still have 20 weeks right??

Slowly but surely things are moving along with this house.

Once we get in,

I feel like we are going to have to hit the ground running to prepare for her.

I gotta say,

I don't think I stress more in my life than I do when I'm pregnant.

Maybe it's just the hormones...

but seriously.

I feel like everything is like...WAY worse than it is.

I'm hoping that is normal!

My Aunt MJ told me that fish oil pills or whatever those are...

are supposed to help calm you down a little.

I'm going out with her on Monday and she's going to bring me some.

I'm hoping those work!

I seriously feel so stressed out ALL OF THE TIME!!

It's starting to really make me forget about everything that is working out RIGHT...

because I'm focusing so much on all of the negative.

I hate it.

But at least I'm recognizing it right?

....I think?

haha

Things are going really well for us actually...it's just a lot at once!

The one thing I am more passionate about than Adoption...

The incredible Stefanie made a post yesterday.

I gotta say it hit home for me more than ANY other post I've ever read.

If you want me to lose complete respect for you in less than 10 seconds,

just say these four word to me:

"I've had an Abortion"

I in no way see my losing respect for you as judgemental.

WHY?

Because if you have had an abortion,

it seems quite obvious that I care more about that Child you've killed more than you.

Which is quite sad.

I can't imagine someone loving my child more than me.

Abortion is the one thing that I can honestly say I am more passionate about than Adoption.

Adoption is the BEST option!

I love it SOO MUCH!

But I would never ever say that someone was wrong,

or being selfish if they chose to single parent.

That is there decision and that is them doing what they think is best.

and it very well could be.

But Abortion??

There is NOTHING anyone can say that will make me think that is a good option to choose.

It is NOT best for that child they are carrying.

That Child isn't even being born!

Instead they are bruttally murduring it.

yeah,

I gotta say,

I don't know anyone that wants to be murdered.

Do you?

has anyone walked up to you and said

"I wish someone would murder me today."

Or better yet,

has anyone ever said

"I wish my mom had just had an abortion when she was pregnant with me."

yeah,

didn't think so.

Before I go on,

I would like to admit that my writing skills have hit the toilet.

I don't know why but I can't seem to write what's on my mind as well as I used to...

I'll call it pregnancy related. ha.

Because of this,

I've decided that I'm just going to show this video.

I am SO passionate about this that the best way for me to state my feeling is by showing this chilling video.

I watched it when I was pregnant with Avery.

I cried all day after watching it.

I couldn't believe that someone would do this to a child.

I am pregnant again.

I gotta tell you now that I can't watch it.

I have a child inside of me right now.

She is moving as we speak.

She is playing around in my belly and getting bigger every day.

It kills me to even entertain the thought that this happens to other baby's like her.

I am getting emotional just typing it.

It kills me to think that when I was pregnant with Avery,

people chose this option over Adoption.

I can't imagine EVER doing this to Avery,

to my CHILD.

To something that is COMPLETELY depending on me...

and this is how you show them that you care?

The video is long, but it's facts. WATCH IT if you don't believe abortion is murder.

After watching this,

you tell me if it's still just TISSUE that you're getting rid of.

19 Week Ultrasound

I'm 19 weeks.

(almost half way!!)

We had our 19 week Ultrasound on Thursday and things look great!

Kali hates Ultrasounds.

She's turned her back towards us in both of them, little stink!

Nonetheless,

the Ultrasound tech got what she needed and Kali is completely healthy.

and yes it's still a girl!

haha

With my dang belly getting so freaking big,

you'd think that Tyson would have been able to not only feel her kick,

but SEE her as well.

But,

my uterus just likes to grow!

However,

Kali is growing and I'm feeling her more and more.

and YESTERDAY,

Tyson finally felt her kick!

We were waiting to be seated at Chilis,

and were sitting in the front,

and all of the sudden she started moving around a whole bunch.

So I put Tysons hand on my Belly

and he finally felt her!

I was so glad.

:):)

Then,

that night,

I was taking a bath and she started kicking a whole bunch again.

and I actually saw my belly move.

I was so excited.

But it only moved the skin once so Tyson hasn't seen THAT yet.

I felt her move more than I ever had before yesterday

and today I've been feeling her a lot more...

which means she's growing...

which means it's getting closer.

In other news,

I got my hair done on Thursday too.

I changed it a lot...

more than I have in years!

It's closer to my natural color.

I little darker,

but this way I decided that if I'm unable to go get it done again,

(because we are trying to get a house...which we'll know for SURE if we are approved in less than 60 days)

Then it won't be obvious or look bad when my roots come in.

I've had a hard time getting used to it,

but most every else seems to like it...

especially Tyson. and he's really the only person I care about liking it!

19 weeks.

Christmas 2010

I know I'm a little late doing this.

But

I've been REALLY sick,

as well as my whole family.

Tyson ended up taking me to the instacare on Thursday night.

We were there for 4 long hours

because not only did they put me on a Saline IV,

they gave me TWO bags.

Apparantly I was dehydrated!!

It made me feel way better than I had all day that day,

but turns out,

I have Strep Throat + the Flu.

Not fun considering I'm not over morning sickness yet either.

After the Dr told me he was sure that was what was wrong,

My mom called me the next day saying that my little brother

(who had strep throat a couple of day before,)

was just diagnosed with the Flu as well.

My voice has been gone since Friday.

I really cannot miss anymore work.

I've missed enough with this morning sickness.

I am not going to have ANY time left to take off for Maternity leave!!

Anyway,

enough of that.

Christmas was really fun!

We went to my familys annual Chrismas eve party

and ate lots of food and had a lot of fun there as usual.

My aunt gave us a REALLY comfortable blanket.

After that we went home,

opened our Pj's and sibling presents.

Tyson got a shirt from my little sister

and

I got a gift card for Maternity clothes from my BIL Blake!!

Kali is already getting Christmas presents too!

My mom got her an adorable bracelet and a matching binky holder

and my dad

got her a UofU hat (of course! haha)

On Christmas morning

We opened presents with my family.

I got maternity clothes from Tyson

and

my parents gave us a Wii!!

Afterwards,

we went and visited Dustin Andrea and Avery.

It was the CRAZIEST thing.

I know it hasn't been that long since we've seen Avery,

like less than two months,

but I swear she got a TON bigger all of the sudden.

When we knocked on the door we heard little feet running to answer it.

and When she opened the door,

it was like she had grown two inches.

She's talking like a champ too.

It's so wierd!!

She talks to you in full on sentences.

From what I could tell,

she can pretty much carry on a conversation.

I know she's two,

but it's just wierd!

We also got a video camera,

so while I thought I recorded way more than this,

I'm glad I at least got her saying "Hi"

Even though,

she spoke a LOT more than that.

She's so funny.

Dustin and Andrea gave us a really cute blanket for Kali,

and the game Transamerica

(which is what we played in the hospital while I was in labor with Avery)

and of course Sour Patch Candy!!

For Christmas.

We love them and really enjoyed the visit!

After that,

we went to Tysons Great Grandmas house

and had dinner, opened presents and played games with his whole extended family.

I knew I married into the right family when they pulled out the games.

if you know me at all,

you know I'm a HUGE fan of playing games.

We were spoiled by his family too.

His great grandma gave us candles and $$,

his Grandma and Grandpa gave us a gift card to the movies and $$ as well

and his parents gave us a Chili's gift card.

MMMMmmm!!

We love our families

They spoiled us!

It was so fun

and even though we received so many generous gifts,

 we truly felt the true meaning of Christmas

and it was definitely a great first Christmas together!