Wednesday, September 30, 2009

a dream ignored and a lesson learned

Last night I was on facebook.

I was on for about 5 minutes when I discovered a 'facebook tool' that allows you to see every status you have ever left on facebook.

being curious I decided to look up some of my statuses from the past.

When I got to the ones from a year ago,
I started to really miss Keltson.
he was a great friend and I even mentioned it in a status

October 2nd was the last time I ever saw him.
While we were sitting in the theater room at my house, Keltson was talking about the Elk hunt he was so very excited about going on. He was leaving the next day (October 3rd) in the evening.
Keltson then asked me if I wanted to come with him the next day to Cabela's to get the rest of the things he needed. I was quite shocked that he invited me to go, because I was, indeed, 9 months pregnant. It would have been just me and him and I guess I just assumed he had wanted to "Avoid the appearance".

I was shocked, but happy to say the least that he wanted me to go help him get the rest of his hunting gear.

I then had this strong feeling to take pictures.
So I grabbed my camera and we took pictures for the rest of the night.
(besides one picture from hunting,these were the very last pictures taken of him)

After going to Village Inn with Him Josh and Terri that night, He dropped me off at my house and gave me a hug goodbye in my driveway. I walked to my door and then turned and watched him get in his car and drive away...

That night I went to bed and had the WORST dream I have ever had in my life.
no joke.
I woke up bawling.

it wasn't just tears coming out of my eyes,
it was full on crying out loud and trying to breathe between sobs.
I couldn't believe how upset I was.

Let me tell you a little about this dream that I so clearly remember:

I was pregnant and walking down a highway with Dustin and we were both looking for Andrea.
I knew that I was going to have the baby soon
and I was worried because we couldn't find her.

when we walked into a grove of trees, Andrea walked up.
When I saw her I ran up to her and before I was able to even say a word,
she fell to the ground and started gasping for air.
both Dustin and I sat and watched helplessly as she died right before our eyes.
(I am crying just thinking about it. I love you Andrea)

That was when I woke up...
and I can't even tell you the feeling that I felt.
I was SO upset.
I texted Andrea right when I woke up just to make sure she was okay.
I told her that I had a horrible dream and that I couldn't stop crying.

Then I went upstairs to my mom and sobbed and sobbed as I tried choking out this nightmare.
I could not figure out why I was still so upset.
obviously it was just a dream,
but I could feel inside of me that something wasn't right.
I kept telling my mom that I just had this horrible feeling and I didn't know why.
I was so worried that something bad was going to happen.
She reassured me that it was probably just because Avery was almost here and that it was just in anticipation of that.

Keltson texted me.
After that dream, I didn't want to do anything and I told him how 'under the weather' I felt. (hm..I didn't really listen well to that dream OR that feeling did I??)
So he told me that he would just go by himself and that we would do something when he got back from his hunting trip.

8 days later, on his way home, he was killed in a car accident.

It has been an entire year since then and I still remember all of it so clearly...

but I never really thought much about that dream again until I read this status update last night:

[Andee] just woke up bawling from a bad dream. I have never woken up so upset in my life! I can't stop crying...:S --10.3.08 17:22:22

The way I felt afterward was definitely not a feeling I have after every nightmare...

I think that if I had listened more to that dream,
I would have gone with Keltson to Cabelas that day
and I would have been able to experience one more day with him, just me and him.

Life Lesson:
Don't turn down an opportunity to be with
someone just because you aren't in a good mood.

Monday, September 28, 2009


Part 2..or 3?

Suggestions on How to Deal with your Grief:

- Talk about the baby and your feelings with your family and friends
- Try to resume old and new relationships

- Eat a balanced diet that includes milk, meat, vegetables, fruit and whole grains.
- Avoid "junk" and fast foods.

Fluid Intake
- Drink 8 glasses of liquids (Juice, water, soda) per day.
- Avoid drinks with caffeine or alcohol because they may cause dehydration, headaches, and/or lower back pain.

- Do something active everyday, such as riding a bike, walking, jogging, aerobics, or stretching. Even a walk around the block can be helpful.

Tobacco and Alcohol
- Avoid tobacco because it depletes the body of vitamins, increases the acidity or the stomach, decreases circulation and can cause palpitations.
- Don't drink alcoholic beverages because they depress body funcion and natural emotional expression

- Avoid increased work activity
- Maintain rest patterns even if unable to sleep.

- Read books, articles, and poems that provide understanding and comfort so you do not feel so alone.

(during placement, Dustin and Andrea gave me a book called "No one Can Take your Place" by Sheri Dew and on my birthday they gave me a book by THIS amazing woman called "Prepare now for the Temple". Both of these books are SO uplifing and because I absolutely LOVE to read, they have definitely helped me through these hard times.)

- Keep a diary or journal of thoughts, memories and mementos.
- Write letters, notes and or poems to the baby.
(my blog! :))

Physical Exam
- Schedule a physical exam about 4-6 months after experiencing a loss because the body is at risk of developing diseases during grief.

Big Decisions or Changes
- Don't move or change jobs or relationship. Wait a while to make these major changes.
- Avoid long trips. Coping mechanisms and reflexes are impaired, making judgements difficult.
- Don't put the baby reminders away until you are ready.
- Don't let other make decisions for you.

Help from Others
- Admit to yourself and family when you need help. This can lessen the pain and lonelinesss.
- Accept help from others. Let them know specific things they can do for you, such a providing food or company.
- Allow family and friends to share your grief and let them offer their support
- Attend a support group. People that have "been there" can give support, help and hope.

Tomorrow will come. The pain will Ease. But you will not forget your precious child.
it takes hope, time and love for healing
to take place. Remember along the way to accept,
but not forget

(Empty Arms, Sherokee IIse)

Included in the healing section was

What is it?
If you're not sure how to forgive, you're not alone. Actually, very few people understand what forgiveness is and how it works.
One definition: Recognizing you have been wrong, giving up your resentment and eventually responding to the person who has hurt you with compassion.
What forgiveness is not: It's not condoning, excusing, forgetting or denying an offense. And forgiveness does not mean putting yourself back in an abusive relationship.

Without forgiveness, bitterness can linger. When we could be enjoying today's pleasures, we are upsetting ouselves with yesterday's injustices.
The person who has hurt you is not the one to lsoe sleep over the hurts. They do not feel your anger or the knot in your stomach. The pain of not forgiving is all yours.
Forgiveness gives us a chance to on to other things. When we forgive we regain control of our lives.
People who are inclined to fogive others enjoy better mental and physical health than those who hold grudges. Unless they are repeatedly excusing someone who is abusive, forgiveness seems to be a postitive act for the one doing it.

There are many other great thing said in this packet about forgiveness.

I have a friend that wrote a post a while ago that spoke of it perfectly.
It was what I needed.

I am one of those people that have an extremely hard time forgiving.
I want to,
but I have a hard time finding that place in my heart TO forgive.

wrote THIS post a while back.
I definitely recommend reading it.
I want to highlight some of the things she said though:

"I know that a lot of us think that we forget about something that hurt us, but then we remember it at the most unexpected times, and you have to go through the whole process again. It sucks. "

"Do not feel bad about struggling with forgiveness. The fact that you feel bad about shows that you are willing to forgive, and you understand the importance of forgiving. You just simply haven’t found out how to do it yet. There are some things that hurt our hearts so much that it would be unreasonable to forgive right away. God knows that. God isn’t unreasonable. He doesn’t require that you run faster than you have the strength to (Mosiah 4:27)."

"“Do not feel guilty or worry if you are struggling with forgiveness. It is easy to takescriptures about forgiveness out of context and assume we must be immediately ready to forgive even serious harm from others.” –President Gordon B. Hinckley"

“I just wanted to say how profoundly sorry I am for this burden you are called to carry. I wish I had answers to all the questions. All I know is that moving from pain to healing is a process.... a process that can't be rushed. I know that peace will come to you. The anger is normal and understandable. It is part of what helps us understand injustices. You will eventually be able to let go of your anger as you give the heaviness of it...the unanswered parts of it to God. What you are going thru right now is the essence of the why the Atonement was accomplished. I use that word on purpose -- accomplished. The same applies to your process. God will lead you to healing. Allow his wisdom to teach you whatever lessons he will as you pass thru it all. Forgiveness will come. It is ok that it isn't all here today.”

I think that this forgiveness stuff was included in this packet because for me PERSONALLY, I had a lot negative feelings after placement.

not just towards others, but mostly towards myself.

I still struggle with forgiving myself.
It is hard for me to not completely HATE myself for this.
It is my fault that I was in this situation in the first place.
Because of something I did, I have suffered more than I have ever suffered in my entire life.


How do you know you are healing?
Those persons who have worked with their grief to move toward the dimension of reconciliation should be able to demonstrate:
  • A recognition of the reality and finality of the adoption of the child.
  • A return to stable eating and sleeping patterns that were present before.
  • A renewed sense of energy and personal well-being.
  • A subjective sense of release or relief (they have thoughts of the child, but are not preoccupied with these thoughts)
  • The capacity to enjoy experiences in life that should normally be enjoyable.
  • The establishment of new and healthy relationships
  • The capacity to live a full life without feelings of guilt or lack of self-respect.
  • The capacity to organize and plan one's life toward the future.
  • The capacity to become comfortable with the way things are rather than attempting to make things as they were.
  • The capacity to being open to more change in one's life.
  • The awareness that one has allowed self to fully grieve and survived.
  • The awareness that one does not "get over grief," but instead is able to acknowledge "This is my new reality and I am ultimately the one who must work to create new meaning and purpose in my life."
  • The capacity to acknowledge new parts of one's self that have been discovered in the growth through one's grief.
  • That capacity to adjust to the new role changes that have resulted from the loss of the relationship.
  • The capacity to be compassionate with one's self when a normal resurgence of intense grief occurs (holidays, anniversaires, etc.).
  • The capacity to acknowledge that the pain of loss is an inherent part of life that results from the ability to give and receive love.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


(part 2)
and fair warning:

I am a birthmom.
Other birthmoms may read this blog.
I feel almost an obligation to tell of the pain I have experienced so that they can see both the good AND the bad of placing.

It would not be fair to only tell of the good.
So here I go:

It took a few months for me to really get through the difficult grieving process after placing Avery.

Until around the time that I started this blog,
I was really struggling.

This blog helped me to heal.
Writing my feeling and emotions down has been SO incredibely theraputic
Since creating this blog,
I have (all in all) been doing very well.

The sad, hard days came less and less and I really felt as if I could live my life.
I felt like even though I still felt that loss,(which I always will)
I could live my life.

The past few weeks have not been so easy.

It has been really hard for me to understand why I have all of the sudden felt like I am back at square one.

After realizing that Averys first birthday and the One Year Anniversary of Keltsons death are approaching,

I came to the conclusion that that's why I am having such a difficult time.

I met with a case worker at LDSFS last week.
This is the first time I have needed to do this in literally months.

I was there for TWO hours
and when I was getting ready to leave,
she gave me a packet that went into detail about GRIEF.

I am going to break this post up into seperate posts.
(hopefully this will be the longer of the two.)
I will talk about one thing in each post.

This time, I am going to focus on Grief and Loss.

I really hope this doesn't just turn into a bunch of
words..if nothing else, read the myths about grief and the quote at the end.
Those two are the best.

I really think sharing this packet will help me explain the feelings I have felt.
It will help get my point across and I think it will help others understand it a little better as well.

Grief is:
- A normal, natural response to any loss
- A complex emotion
- Individual
-A process

Grief Involves:
- A wide variety of emotions

Grief affects all parts of us
- emotionally
- physically
- socially
- spiritually
- intellectually

Part One of Grief:

First I will talk about the 6 stages of Grief.
For me, I feel like I go through every stage like 10 times before I finally reach acceptance.
I did this before and now I feel like I'm doing it all over again, 1 year later.

This is for the people that see me and deal with me and my emotions.

  1. Denial and shock
    The first phase of grief is described as unreal feeling: like being "spacy or in a "a fog," like there is a dream going on and you are watching. You usually feel numb, managing to do what you must do, but acting by rote or instinct. You're not really "into" anything at first; you're emotionally flat or tearful. You may have no appetite, there are knots in your stomach, and you are tired. This is the stage where people facing a loss are described as, "It hasn't really hit her yet."

    (This is the shortest stage for me. I mostly just feel like I am in a dream and I am super tired. But the tiredness lasts throughout the whole thing.)

  2. Sadness and Depression
    Intellectually you know what has happened, but on a deeper level you don't want to believe it. It is hard to imagine you had a baby and now your child is with someone else. You may wander around from place to place searching for your baby in a crowd. You may have requested lots of pictures, or, the opposite - you may refuse all pictures, keepsakes, and avoid baby departments in stores or being around other infants. For most birth mothers, keeping a few treasured photos and keepsakes is an affirmation of love, not denial. A flurry of activity, overworking, or constant socializing may be an attempt to keep so busy that you don't have time to think about your baby. Denial can seem to cover up the pain, and become addictive if denial persists.

    (This is usually the time when I keep to myself. I try not to let anyone know what I'm feeling and I just want to be by myself. I want to deal with it alone, because this isn't anyone else's problem but mine. The bolded parts are the biggest parts for me personally during this time.)

  3. Anger
    When you're angry, you usually focus on somebody else - your boyfriend/the birthfather, your mom, your doctor, God, your baby's adoptive parents, and/or your counselor. It is important to recognize that most of your anger is part of your grief, though some of those people may deserve some of the anger. Minor, insensitive comments by others may cause an over reactive emotional outburst on your part. Anger needs to be expressed: talking, private yelling, exercising, punching pillows, etc. can be helpful. Some women have trouble expressing anger, feeling it's unlady-like. Nonesense, get it out. However, prolonged or destructive anger needs professional attention, as in the beginning of criminal, delinquent, or physically abusive behavior from bottled-up anger and frustration

    (This is the time that I outwardly express my grief. It was at this point this time that I decided to take a break from blogland. I had just gotten in a horrible fight with my parents (due to over reaction as explained above) and I needed a time out. This is probably one that lasts the longest for me and can sometimes remain throughout the rest of the steps until I FINALLY reach Acceptance. As far as blaming the adoptive family, I have not had any reason too so even if I tried to find a reason, there would be none. If anything, they were helpful. This time Andrea made me feel so much better. After visiting with her and Avery a couple of weeks ago, I felt SO much better than I had before.)

  4. Fear and Bargaining with God
    You may torture yourself for a while with "if only's." feelings of guilt and regret over your decision are common. Whenever we make a major life decision of an kind (leaving home, quittng school, getting or changing jobs, deciding on major surgery, putting an elderly parent in a nursing home, buying a major purchase, etc.) we usually wonder, "what if" and question our decision and/or feel some guilt. You might try to bargin with the Lord to help you win the lottery, so you can kep your baby, donate money to a good cause, or promise to go to church every Sunday. Some birth mothers feel guilty because other people think that they should feel worse than they do, when actually they feel mostly at peace with their decision. This could cause a birth mother to feel guilty,thinking there is somehing wrong with her. Sometimes there is bargaining to try to get your baby back when it is too late.

    (As far a dealing with this right now, I have mostly only felt guilt. I haven't dealt with this one as much this time,(probably because I'm still on this step maybe?) but as far as LAST YEAR, the bolded sentences are PERFECT as to how I felt. But, even through all of this pain and grief, I have never ACTUALLY regret my decision. I have wished I could be her mom and wished that I had her now for selfish reasons, but I have never regret my decision. Not once.)

  5. Resistance and Depression
    When the numbness wears off, and you can longer deny your loss, your raging has quieted down, and you've anguished through all of your "if only's" and "what if's" depression hits quietly. It is like thumping against a wall of reality - - experiencing the pain and tears. You may feel listless, tired, not hungry, have sleep disturbnces, feel uninterested, and hopeless. Depression, however isn't all bad. It gives you a second wind. After you've spent a lot of energy denying, bargaining, raging, and feeling guily about being angry you're not tired. You're at the bottom. There is nowhere to go except up, to acceptance.

    (I think that I tend to go back and fort between this and anger the most. I experience each of these many times before I reach acceptance but I think that this and anger are the longest and hardest for me to get through and also the two that I go back and forth between the most. I think though, that this one is the most depressing and most definitely the hardest one for me to get through.)

  6. Acceptance
    During this stage of grief, you will gain energy and interest. You will remember your baby, but it will be less painful and there will often be warm memories that bring a smile. You can find ways for those memories to enrich your life. Sorrow doesn't last forever, but love does.

    (Although this stage takes the absolte longest to get to, once I get here I don't go back for a very long time. Once I make it to this stage I can live my life. I was at this stage for MONTHS last time and hopefully next time, it will be even longer.)

I know this is long and I am sorry,
but I just wanted to talk about a couple more things that may help others understand the grieving process of us birthmoms.

-- Intense grieving, with many ups and downs, may be expect to last 18 months to two years.
-- Crying is an acceptable and healthy expresson of grief which releases build up tensions; cry as you feel the need.
-- Consider whatever you do to be NORMAL for you. Don't be afriad of bizarre delusions (such as phatom crying or aching arms.) All of this is part of normal grief.
-- Whenever possible, put off major decisions for at least one year.
-- Learn to let others know how you feel and how you are working out your grief so they can be supportive (Something I should probably work on)
-- The anniversary of the baby's birth can be a stressful time. Be good to yourself and allow yourself some emotional space and special time for grieving.


Myths about grief
* All losses are the same.
* It takes two months to get over your grief.
* All bereaved people grieve in the same way.
* Grief always declines over time and in a steadily decreasing way.
* When grief is resolved it never comes up again.
* Family members will always help those in grief
* Children grieve like adults
* Feeling sorry for yourself is not allowed
* It is better to put painful things out of your mind.
* You should not think about your child at the holidays because it will make you feel sad.
* Those in grief only need to express their feelings to resolve their grief.
* Expressing feelings that are intense is the same as losing control
* Only sick individuals have physical problems in grief.
* If you feel crazy, you are going crazy
* Adoption shouldn't be too dificult to resolve because you didn't know the child well.

ALL of these myths have caused me frustration at one point or another.
none of that is true and needs to be taken into account by all that are dealing with adoption.

I just want to end with this:

Will Grief End?
Grief work will someday be completed. It
really will go away, but sadness will always remain. You will know the grief is
over when you don't feel any strong intense anguish or pain, when you are
reminded of the person, and when you can turn the investment of emotional energy
toward someone or something else. Healing usually occurs more rapidly after the
first anniversary of the loss. When you can look with tenderness, with memories
of pleasure, you will be turning loose, but the empty places where that person
stood in your life will always be a part of your

I just love every part of that saying.
Every. Single. Part.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Baby Olivia

Here is Stefanie's Beautiful Olivia:

I was SO happy that she was awake when I came.

This next picture makes me bawl my eyes out.

Birthfather Nic, Stefanie and Olivia.

Look at the love in this picture.
and look at how supportive the birthfather is.
This is on placement day.
It brings back the compelete heartache that comes with placement.

The tears won't stop.

You'd think I'd have the right words to say to her since I've been there,
...but I don't.

Although this is an incredibely emotional time,
The spirit is also SO strong.
I can just feel it when Looking at this picture.

I visited her on Thursday.
She looked AMAZING. I couldn't believe she had just had a baby.
She seemed very content.

After I left the hospital I couldn't stop the tears that came once I got in my car.
I was in her situation almost exactly a year ago.

Although everyone situation is very unique,
there are also similarites.

The emotional feelings are the same.
The love is the same.
The peace is the same.

I'm so proud of you Stefanie!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I'm Back.

I keep thinking, “I can blog again. I should do it. Things are getting better.”

Then, when I sit at my computer, nothing comes to my mind. Everything that I had planned/thought of saying completely leaves my brain

So here I go. I am going to attempt to post again. I know it has only been a week and a half, But I definitely thought it would take a lot longer too….'work things out' than it did.

So after a VERY short break, I’m back. With that being said, I would like to warn you

This will be a long post!!

Our Lives are a lot like trees. Here is why:
"The tree loses its leaves every autumn, but still it grows proud and strong, readying itself for the spring that is sure to come. The tree can't see. First it loses its leaves. Then it gets colder and colder and colder as winter settles in. many times, there are storms that bend the tree. You will see the tree bent over, but that doesn't mean the tree is sorry for itself. It means the tree cannot stand upright at the moment. You will find that some of the strongest trees are twisted not because they are wild, but because they have corrected their paths, the paths set by the storms. the trees are never entirely certain that spring will come, but they live according to the pattern which has been established, and they grow toward the sun, because that's all they can do. "

--Said so amazingly by one of my very best friends, Brittany

The past few weeks have been rough.
That quote is probably te most detail I will get, But things are finally starting to calm down.
Let's hope they stay that way.

Anyway, Although it has only been a week and a half.. Many things have happened. I would like to bring a couple of them to attention:

I would like to congratulate to Rachelle and her Husband. They just adopted the most ADORABLE little girl!! She is so precious and I couldn't be happier for them. They deserve this and so much more!

Stefanie just gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL little girl. Olivia was born on Wednesday September 23rd at 9:36 pm. Please keep Stefanie in your prayers. Placement is NOT easy. My heart aches for her just thinking about it.

3: - Race honors Riverton student Shared via AddThis

Keltsons run was on Saturday. Almost 350 people showed up! that is AMAZING! It was a great turnout and his family is so grateful for all that came and showed their support.

Conner met Avery on Thursday.
He was SUPER shy at first, but warmed up really fast and they loved each other!

I hadn't seen Avery since my birthday. It was a VERY nice and MUCH needed visit.
She will be one in about a month.

Hard to believe.

and finally, I am so sad to announce that I had to quite watching Conner. Things have been crazy lately and I had to settle with last resort.

It was really sad. :( I miss the boy and am so sad that I can't continue to tend him!
I hope the new babysitter enjoys every minute with him! He is Such a cutie!

Okay so this post wasn't as long as I thought it was going to be...but I'm still looking for the correct words. SoI guess now would be a good time to say..


Sunday, September 13, 2009

Going on Break.

I'm taking a break from blogging.

Thank you to all of my blogger friends for
your complete and utter support.
I love you all.

Hopefully I'll be back

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


OOKay here is the deal.
remember how I entered a video in a contest on adoption voices??

I made it to the top ten and then I received an email explaining that the songs were a copyright violation and that I had to change those songs.

I didn't know WHAT songs WEREN'T a copyright violation so I had to just take out the music all together.

I know,
pathetic right??
The video is now VERY pathetic, but I am still in the top ten.

Whoever receives the most comments on their video wins.

So here is where YOU come in.
I would LOOOVEE if you commented on my video.

You can find the real video (with the music) at the bottom of my blog (just scroll down!)
you can see the contest video by going HERE
and I would ADORE comments!!
PLEASE!?!? :)
(you think doing this is a violation??..I hope not! haha)

The winner gets $100... :):)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Megan Bell

This is Megan Bell (along with all of her incredible art work behind her)
You've heard me speak of Megan before right?

I'm hear to do it again.
(partly because Megan begged me for like 20 minutes to dedicate a post to her..and partly because I just love her. She completes my life. :D)

Anyone that knows Megan LOVES her.

I have never met someone that can change my mood from being grumpy and sad to happy and laughing within seconds.

I don't know what it is about Megan..

I'm pretty sure it's the way she says things.
but she is the FUNNIEST person I know.
Her sense of humor is HILARIOUS.
I'm not kidding.

I am laughing right now just thinking about how incredibely funny she is.
like I said before, she is the laugh of my life. haha. seriously.

I was thinking a while ago about how I moved away for school way too soon after placing Avery.. but I really don't regret it. Although I didn't get the BEST GRADES in the world, the people I met helped me cope with it all.

On the hard days while I was in Logan (and believe me..I had plenty), Megan would walk in, crack a joke, and I would completely forget the way I felt for the time being.

Megan is awesome.
I just wish that all of you knew her..because if you did, your lives would be oh so entertaining.
It's hard to understand how completely awesome this post is...unless you know Megan!
So read her blog!
this will give you at least a glimpse into Megan Bells complete awesomeness.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Splish Splash

I received another award from Crystal at Marvelous Masons! She is a mother of three, two of which are twins. I met her through blogging and wish oh so badly that one day I will have the amazing opportunity to meet her in person. Thank you Crystal!

When you receive this award you must:
1- Put the logo on your blog/post
2- Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, inspire or impress you
3- Let them know they've been splashed by commenting on their blog
4- Remember to link to the person from whom you received your Splash Award

Here are the 9 blogs I nominate:

Alisha from Nelson Newsletter -- Alisha is a birth mother that placed her little girl 5 years ago (give or take a year?) She is now married and has an adorable little boy. I love her blog!

Stefanie from Stefanie Jinelle's Journey - Stefanie is also a birth mother. She is due in September and was smart enough to create a blog to document her journey through this very emotional time. I am lucky enough to have become friends with Stefanie outside of the blogging world and am so blessed from it. Read Stefanie's blog. Good stuff there!

Stephanie from nieniedialogues - I'm pretty sure ALL of you know who this is. If this isn't inspiring I don't know what is. "Nie" is a very inspiring woman. She was a victim of a terrible plane accident last August of '08 and I get emotional many MANY times after reading her blog. She helps me see the blessings in my life. She is an amazing mother and person and I look up to her so very much. I have never said a word to her in my fact, she doesn't even know I exist. But it wouldn't be right to NOT name her. Because she deserves so much more than that.

Becca from Our Life - I also met Becca through blogging and she is an awesome person. She is an adoptive mother and had the most ADORABLE little boy. I love her blog and I love her as a person. I wish so badly that one day I will have the opportunity to meet her as well. She also introduced me to twitter. So thanks to Becca, I have twitter! :)

Criscell from Criscell and Spencer - Criscell is an adoptive mother and interestingly enough the sister of my last roommate Elicia. I met her through Elicia while I was living with her and I am so happy I did! Criscell and Spencer are awesome people and I wouldn't have been able to have some of the opportunities I have had to speak about adoption if it wasn't for her!

Michelle from Michelles Path - She is also an adoptive mother of a BEAUTIFUL little girl. Her husband is currently serving in the air force overseas. He comes home very soon and I am so excited for that day! Michelle is a very awesome woman and a wonderful mommy!

Mae from Lovin' Every Minute - Mae is the mother of the ADORABLE little baby I babysit. She is a wonderful mom and has the CUTEST pictures on her blog. I love her little boy Conner SOO much and anyone that sees those pictures on her blog will just wanna eat him up!!

Mandy from Friendship Station - Mandy was my roommate up at Utah State. She one of the awesomest, funniest, coolest people I know! I miss her SO much and wish that I could be living with her again this semester! MISS YOU MANDY!!

and last, but MOST DEFINITELY not least...

Brittany from Rhapsodizing Moments - I met Brittany up at Utah State also. She was my best friend Keara's roommate. Brittany is the sweetest person anyone will ever meet! You can't be near Brittany without her giving you a compliment and being 100% sincere about it. Brittany is now one of my best friends and I miss her SOO much because she is ALSO up at Utah State!

Thursday, September 3, 2009


I have been thinking about something lately
I want to share my feelings.

**I would like to say before though, that I would never try to talk someone into adoption.
I am an adoption advocate, but I in no way am I going to try to tell someone that adoption is the best choice for them. Every situtaion is different and unique.**

With that being said,
let me go on.

When I found out I was pregnant,
the first thing I thought of was not adoption.

In fact,
I did everything I could to avoid that because I knew it would cause a lot of pain on my end and I most definitely did not want that.
So Obviously,
my first option was going to be to get married.

The only problem was,
I wasn't in love.

Deep down I knew this, but ignored it because I wanted so badly to get married.

Two thoughts kept coming to my mind that would make it easier to go through with marriage.
  1. I was probably never going to get married again if I didn't marry Kris. Why? because I knew that the kind of guy I wanted to marry was not going to want to marry someone that has already had a child.

2. I was the reason that Kris couldn't go on a mission. It would be rude just to leave him now right?

Although, neither of these reasons are good enough to marry and make the baby suffer, I wasn't thinking about that at the time.

I had to ask myself if I felt like that was a good enough reason to go through with a marriage that wont last. If it was a good enough reason to cause my child to suffer from my mistakes.

It took a bit for me to get my head on straight and to think about what mattered most in my situation.

My Baby.

the best thing I could do if I really wanted to give this child the best life, was to have faith.

That was a hard concept to learn, but really, the hardest thing to handle was the question "Will I ever get married?"

I have had to constantly remind myself to have faith that the Lord will lead me to the man that I am supposed to marry.
I NEEDED faith that everything would work out in the end.
I NEEDED to have faith that what I was doing was right.

I still need to have faith.

I'm not married yet,
I don't see myself getting married anytime in the near future,
but I am just trusting in the Lord that it will happen when the time is right.

That is the hardest thing to do.
I think that FAITH is the key to placing your child for adoption.

I had to have faith that Avery was going to the right home.
I had to have faith that the Lord would bless me if I did what was right.
I had to have faith that Dustin and Andrea would be the kind of parents I wanted Avery to have.

Adoption is based on Faith,
and that is really the only thing that can get you through.

that Faith will pay off.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

For Mae:

Conner took a few steps today and I got it on camera!!
(unfortunately, I didn't get the best footage..and the time he took the most steps..I didn't catch on camera. But he's SO adorable!)

Here's what I got:

haha wow I say come on a lot..
Yes I am aware that he is only in his diaper..he hates it when I get him i let him roam free for a while. lol

I put this on here for Mae (Conners mom)
you think he'll be walking by October??