Sunday, May 31, 2009

New Moon Trailer!

The Twilight sequal New Moon's trailer just came out yesterday

AHH I CANNOT wait for the movie.
Here's the trailer.

(you can double click on the screen to get to the youtube page so that it will show the full screen)

If I'm the only one...

I woke up this morning to my mom telling me to come upstairs and watch this music video on T.V.

As I lugged my tired body upstairs and started watching it I became incredibely Annoyed that they would wake me up just to watch something that was so incredibely dumb....
(especially that part at the diner..definitely the dumbest part)

Then it got to the end...and I almost cried. It was so cute!

I really think you should watch THIS video.

Just endure it all the way to the end.
don't SKIP to the end though, or you won't get it.

It's SOO good.
it made me teary

Thursday, May 28, 2009


So two weeks ago my friend Mae called me.
She knew that I was currently unemployed (which should be changing soon..hopefully),
and she needed help.

Since her husband Aj got a new job and they now work at the same time,
she needed someone to watch her adorable baby boy, Conner.

He was Born October 13th, 2008.
He is two weeks older than Avery.

I was totally stoked to do it and I have been watching him for two weeks now.
he is the CUTEST little boy ever huh?

he is SUCH a good baby.
he seriously doesn't cry unless he's tired
and sometimes hungry.

he is ADORABLE!!

one thing that I absolutely LOVE to watch,
is when my dog gets in Conners view.

He is the only baby I have seen that doesn't absolutely freak out when he sees my dog.
he laughs.
he LOVES him.

It's do adorable to watch.

he stopped smiling everytime I snapped a picture,
so this was the best one I got.

he's yummy.
I just want to eat him up.

My hope is that I get a job where I still get to watch him because he is SOO much fun.
The job I'm hoping for, would make it that way.


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A ticket? me?


I would like to tell a story. Well, a few stories actually.
It's about my many (WAY to many for my own good) experiences with cops and being pulled over.

You see,
I'm a pretty good driver when I want to be.
But there ARE those occasions where tend to I get a little lazy and don't QUITE follow the rules of the road. (Don't talk to MANDY about this though...she would say differently..)

Let me start with experience #1:

It was the year 2006 and a dark saturday night. I was in a very bad mood as I was tired, 17 years old, and it wasn't the best time of the month for me. My mom had asked me to take my little sister and her friend to the store because she was teaching the lesson in young womens the next day and she wanted to get treats.

I was oh so reluctant, but because my mom let me take her car, I agreed.
I drove the 10 minute drive to the Smiths in Herriman and I waited in the car while they ran in. I didn't want to be there and quite frankly I couldn't wait to go to bed. So the second Emilee and her friend got back into the car, I was off for home. As I was driving down the long stretch of road, my eyes focused on the car about 100 yards ahead of me. "I'm going to catch up to that car" I thought and I pressed my foot on the gas just a little harder. With satisfaction I watched as I was approaching the car. The satisfaction quickly turned to horror as I noticed a cop sitting quietly in the field to the right of me,with all of his lights off. I quickly slammed on my breaks in panic. mistake. I hit the breaks wayyy too hard and the tires screeched causing the car to jolt to almost a complete stop.

My heart was racing as I watched the cops headlights flip on. "NO!!" I yelled as my sister and her friend sat in complete silence in the back, their faces filled with complete horror. "PLEASE don't pull me over!" I cried as he pulled onto the road. When I saw the red and blue lights turn on, the panic I was feeling became 100 times stronger. This was the very first time I was being pulled over and I was NOT handling it very well. I began to cry.

I opened the glove box and searched frantically for whatever it was I was supposed to give this cop. When he appeared at the window, flashlight in hand, he began lecturing me. I don't remember what exactly it was that he said because I was in too much of a panic. "I don't know what you need!" I choked out. I showed him paper after paper until FINALLY he was able to show me JUST what my registration and proof of insurance looked like. I placed my license on top of it and gave it to him. "Please don't give me a ticket!" I begged. "I don't have the money. This is my first time getting pulled over and I really am so sorry." I was throwing out all the words I could think of to get out of this ticket.

Just then I noticed that this cop wasn't alone. To the right of me another cop was shining his light in my windows looking at Emilee and her friend and looking through my car. I rolled my eyes in annoyance and then turned to the cop at my window. "I'll be right back." he said in his incredibely annoying 'I'm better than you' voice. (haha you think i'm bitter?)

I put my head on the steering wheel as I tried to relax. My sister and her friend than began to talk..but they weren't using reassuring words at all. they were saying things like "OH MY! there was TWO of them!" and "Wow. how annoying. they were like searching through the car suspiciously like we were hiding something." I tuned out their words as I focused on calming down. I waited impatiently as I stared through my rearview mirror just waiting for his door to open.

Time creeped by.

Finally, I saw the door open and the cop walking towards my car, chest puffed out, and clipboard in hand. "I'm giving you a ticket for 9 over. You were really going 13, but I will only give it to you for 9" he said in his now infuriating voice. I looked at him disguted. that's supposed to be GOOD? I thought. GOOD would be no ticket! I was no longer working on staying calm. He gave me the clipboard while pointing where to sign. I covered my eyes with my hands trying to focus. I tried to put the pen to the paper, but my hand was shaking too hard to write.

After what felt like forever, I finally signed the paper. I shoved the clipboard back in his hands and started shutting the window, while shifting the car into drive. (keep in mind I had NEVER been pulled over before. I didn't know what to do and I just wanted to GO HOME!)

"Hey!" The cop yelled, still trying make his voice sound intimidating. I looked at him in suprise "WHAT!?" I asked, now yelling at him.
"Do you want to go to JAIL!?!?" he threatened. how could he threaten that to me!? In my mind I was doing absoultely nothing wrong! I glared at him. "what are you talking about!?"
"we're not DONE here!" he stated as he ripped the paper. He then went on a huge long lecture again, which I didn't hear because my sister was in the back screaming at the cop. I really wanted her to stop, but i didn't have the energy to stop her. When he finally gave me the paper and got in his car, I drove away. I was so upset I couldn't see straight.

The ticket ended up being around $117.
I wasn't happy.
But, quite frankly, I deserved that ticket.
I was speeding
and slamming on your breaks to the point where you skid across the road?
yeah. don't ever do that!

Experience #2:

As some of you might know, I am a CNA (certified nursing assistant). it was the year 2007 and at the time, I worked at a place called Alta Ridge Alzheimers. I absolutely LOVED my job and worked there with a good friend of mine, Rachel. Again I was 17. Rachel and I were just leaving when we decided that we wanted to watch the movie Anastasia. After talking about it for a few minutes, we decided to go back to my house so we could watch it there.
Rachel and I both drove VW Jetta's at the time and She was following me because she couldn't remember exactly how to get to my house. As we were driving, she pulled up next to me at a stop light and rev'd her engine. I couldn't help it. she was driving the same car! once the light turned green I sped off racing her to the next light. (I won of course :)) what I DIDN'T know, was that a cop had seen me speed off. It was getting dark, so I could only see the outline of cars. After I beat Rachel, she started backing off. For a while I kept losing her and wasn't sure where she went. As I stopped at another stoplight, I noticed a car behind me and it looked like it had the bike holders on the top. where is rachel?? I thought. As I continued driving I spotted her a couple cars behind me, so I began focusing more on the road. As I was coming up on the NEXT light, I realized I had to switch I did..but realized as I was doing so that I did not use my blinker!

As I stopped at the light, I glanced back at my rearview mirror again and to my suprise, the car I had seen before was still behind me but the stuff on top of it were not bike holders, they were lights! oh it's a cop! I thought to myself, making a mental note to pay attention to my driving. As the light turned green, I slowly got up to the speed limit. Apparantly this caused the cop to realize that I had noticed him. That's when his lights turned on. Confused and extremely angry that he was pulling me over, I pulled to the side of the road. THIS time, I was not crying, just ready to figure out why I was being pulled over.
When he arrived at my window he asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I looked up at him trying to see his face while realizing that I had no idea how long he had been behind me. "Well..." I said "It depends on how long you were behind me.." I smiled innocently and he laughed. good sign I thought to myself. "Well, let's see," he began. oh crap. NOT a good sign. "I caught you speeding 10 over, switching lanes without using your blinker, and your tail light is out" he smiled back..innocently as I tried to work up some great excuse for each accusation.

As I stared out my windsheild I saw Rachel pull over a few feet in front of me. "Okay, that's my friend." I said, pointing at her. "She is following me home so I was trying to make sure she was following me which can explain why I wasn't driving very well.." I looked up trying to see if he was buying my excuse so far. "Also, when I realized I was speeding, I slowed down..I'm sure you noticed. I switched lanes without using my blinker, because I was almost to the light and I would have used it but by the time I remembered to use it, it was too late. Oh and I didn't know my tail light was out..sorry..??" pathetic! I thought. The cop just smiled, asked for my license, registration and proof of insurance and went back to his car.

He came back a few minutes later, still with a smile on his face. "Okay. I'll let you off with the others but I do have to give you a fix it ticket for your light. Don't worry though, just get it fixed and it won't affect your insurance or anything." I was ECSTATIC "thank you thank you thank you!" I exclaimed.
That could have been a VERY bad experience. INSTEAD, both me AND the cop, drove away with a smile on our faces.

Experience #3:

This was Valentines day of '08. Now those of you who have read my adoption story know that later that day I discovered I was pregnant...This day could have just started off SO incredibely bad.

I was living in Ogden at the time, but because Kris broke his foot just the day before, I had to drive down to Riverton to pick him up and then drive back to my apartment to get ready. It was an icy day but we were in a HUGE hurry. We had reservations. So, because I had made some incredibley stupid decisions for the past few weeks, I decided that I would make another stupid decision, which was drive recklessly. We were on the freeway and I was weaving in and out of traffic like a maniac. the roads were ICY and I was going 85 miles an hour. (yeah..I was dumb right??) I had just gotten into a quite empty lane, when I looked in my rearview mirror. After studying the car behind me for a few seconds, I realized that it was an undercover cop. "I think that's a cop" I said to Kris, and right as I said this, his lights turned on. "CRAP!" I said as I began pulling over.

My heart was pounding. "What am I going to do?" I asked him. "I can't pay for this..I don't have any money!" as he approached my window I rolled in down in fear of how he was going to treat me. "In a hurry?" he asked, his face in completel dissatisfaction. "I'm sorry. Yes I am, but that is no excuse." he eyes me with suspision. "Do you have a death wish? because most people that drive the way you were just driving, end up smeared acrossed the highway." He was right and I couldn't argue. "I'm really sorry" I said as I, again, handed him my license, registration, and Proof of Insurance.

Kris and I both sat in silence as I watched him through the rearview mirror. I was SO nervous.

I should probably mention, that this time the car I drove was a red Chevy Cobalt and it had a license plate holder on the back that said "Daddy's Little Princess".

As the cop got out of his car, I realized to my curiosity, that all he was holding was what I had given him. When he arrived at my window, I stared at him with shock filling my eyes as he explained "I was putting your information in my computer when I looked up and saw that your license plate says "Daddy's Little Princess". I have a little girl at home, and frankly I don't want to be the one to have to tell your dad that you're not coming home. So just be careful." and he handed me back my papers. "you're not giving me a ticket?" I asked with complete astonishment. "no." He said "but really. Be careful." I gotta tell you. at that moment, I wanted to get out of the car and just hug the officer. All I could do was thank him a million times and promise that I would be more careful.

I gotta say that I was. I think that after that day I have been a LOT more careful.

yes, I do still drive crazy sometimes..but not like that.
I think that cop left the biggest impression on me and I respected him more because he didn't seem to try to act cocky. He was just being realistic.
So thanks to that cop, the BEGINNING of my day didn't start off horribly, it just ended incredibely bad..

Experience #4:

I was probably about 3 months pregnant at this point. I had just started working at eBay, so I was still in training. We could only have 3 occurances and I was running late (like always, since I spent most of my mornings after I woke up at the toilet..puking! ha I know you wanted to know that..) I had 10 minutes to be at work and clocked in and I just KNEW I was going to be late.

As the light I was waiting at turned green, me and a couple other cars sped up..I was in a hurry and wasn't paying as much attention to my spedometer as I should have been and as I looked over and saw the cop I tried to slow down but it was too late. I was the one in the back, so I was the one that was going to be pulled over.

I don't have much to say about this one except that he clocked me at going 60 in a 40, but only gave me a ticket for going 5 over. I was less upset about this one since I actually DID have a job and it wasn't going to be TOO I could go to traffic school and get it off my insurance :)

Experience 5:

yeah you're probably thinking.." she ever going to learn?" but I can honestly say that this next one was NOT my fault.

It happened about a month ago. It was the end of April, and I was 'babysitting' my grandparents while my aunt was out of town. My little sister had come to watch me speak at an adoptive parent class earlier that day, so she was still with me when I had decided I was hungry. I told my oma (grandma in dutch) that we were going to go get some food and asked them if they wanted anything. My Oma wanted me to pick up a bag of potatos from wal mart and my Opa wanted fries.

So after my sister and I ate some dinner at the best Pizzeria ever, Firehouse, we set off to pick up the stuff for my grandparents. I dropped Emilee off at walmart while I drove over to wendy's to pick up the fries. As I was pulling back into walmart to pick Emilee up, I saw flashing lights. I looked up to see a cop behind me and of course, pulling me over.

I can honestly tell you that I was completely shocked what did I do wrong?? I thought. I honestly hadn't noticed that I had done anything wrong. As the cop came to my window and asked me if I knew why I pulled him over I said "no, I can honestly tell you that I have NO IDEA why you are pulling me over right now." He asked me to show him proof of insurance. As I frantically searched for it, I failed. The one that I had, had expired a month before. "I'm showing that this car is currently not insured" he said. I was completely confused. So confused that I began to laugh. "No, I can promise you that this car is insured." He didn't even crack a smile. "Our computers are pretty accurate." he said. "So I can't believe you unless you give me proof."

As I was searching through my car, Emilee called me. I picked up my phone, with him sitting there and began laughing hysterically. "I'm just over here on the other side of the parking lot. I'm pulled over!" I was laughing! why was I laughing? This was a serious thing.. I looked up at the cop and he was staring at me, completely annoyed with my behavior. "Let me just call my parents, because I KNOW that I'm insured." I said. "you do what you want, but unless I have a paper proving it, I can't believe you." He snarled as he walked back to his car to 'check again'. I called my mom while he was back there. It was almost midnight at this point so I felt a little guilty for waking them up.
As I told my mom what was going on, she woke my dad up and he immediately got ahold of our insurance agent. As he was on the phone with him, the cop came back and my mom asked to talk to him. He gave me the ticket as I gave him the phone. As he talked to her I started realizing what my mom was doing. She asked why he pulled me over and he explained that he pulled up my license plate "randomly" and found that I wasn't insured. Than she asked if he could do that. After he rudely responded that he could, my mom mentioned that he seemed to be very bored and than told him that my dad had just finised talking to our insurance agent and that we were, indeed, insured.
OF COURSE, he still didn't buy it.

SO, I had to go to court two weeks later with a letter from my agent proving that I was insured. It was a complete pain especially since it was 45 minutes away from my house. I can't say I was happy, but my Insurance Agent made sure it all worked out so that we weren't penalized at all!

So, you may be wondering what has brought this long long LONG post on.

why don't you thank my sixth and final experience...
It happened last night...

Experience #6

I was driving home from Terri's house with Keara.
As we were driving down the SAME road I was on in Experience #1,
Keara pointed out that there was a cop. I SLOWLY this time, put on my breaks just a little.
(it's an automatic reaction..even if I'm NOT speeding..which I wasn't)

Still, as I drove past, the headlights turned on.
"what the heck?" I said to keara. This cop BETTER not pull me over. For a second there I didn't think they were going to..but sure enough their lights turned on. "Oh no." I thought as the SAME question came into my mind and out my mouth "How am I going to pay for this?" I had all of the papers ready this time (I was used to it now..although I still had to ask Keara if one of the papers were my registration..). As I was waiting for the cop to come to my window, I began to feel really discouraged. is this really happening to me? It's really the last thing I need right now.

As the cop arrived at my window, I realized It was a female. oh great I thought in my head. Althought I had never personally dealt with a female cop, I had heard they were a lot more brutal. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" she asked, in a more polite tone than I expected her to. "No.." I was really worried now and you could hear it in my voice. She smiled and said "did you know that your headlight is out?" the fear and worry I was feeling in both my body and my voice relaxed. "Oh." I was really relieved that was all it was. "oh that's soo good that is all it is." and I smiled to.

She took my information and went back to her car. I was totally planning on receiving a 'fix it' ticket, so when she walked up and told me she was only giving me a warning I, again, almost hugged her. "THANK YOU!" I said.
I will never Judge a cop now on their sex.
I totally assumed she was going to be mean..because that is how I have heard female cops are..but she was SUPER nice.

I guess that's what happens when you assume right??

let's hope that I don't get pulled over for a LOONG time now.

The End

Saturday, May 23, 2009


I have this weakness.

It's something I have been struggling with my whole life.


It drives me crazy,
because whenever I compare myself,
I end up having a horrible day and feeling HORRIBLE about myself.
My entire life I have had this problem. I compare myself to everyone...particularly...her
This is my sister, BreeAnn.
Photo Courtesy of Andrea Tuft Photography
My sister and her husband Blake on their wedding day

I seriously compare myself to her with EVERYTHING I do.
My whole life, I would drive myself crazy doing it.

You see,
BreeAnn and I are just 11 months apart.

Because of this, I felt like I had to compete with her all of the time.

I remember driving myself crazy because I wanted to be as pretty as her, as confident as her, as skinny as her and everything else.

BreeAnn and I didn't get along as well as we could have because of this.

I think one of the main reasons I felt this way was because I just knew that people were comparing us because of the fact that we were so close in age...and because I felt like she was better than me in every way, I didn't like her.

I found myself doing that same thing again.
I realized what makes me do this all of the time.

WHENEVER I lose confidence in something,
I start getting really hard on myself.
I wonder what is wrong with me,
which THEN leads me to comparing myself to the people that have the things I want.

Good thing I caught it this time.
I need to start being grateful for the things I DO have,
and stop just wishing I had the things I don't.

That is all!!! :)

P.S...BreeAnn get's really mad when I compare myself to she's going to HATE this post. SORRY BREEANN! :)


Turns out, all I needed was junk food, a trip to the store with my sister Emilee and friend Cassidy, and a chick flick movie called A Walk to Remember!! That takes away the comparison RIGHT AWAY...of course unless I eat A WHOLE BUNCH of junk food...then that would all go away after I stepped on the scale...

Don't worry...haha I worked out a whole lot this week....


I'm working on my list

I keep going back and forth between different goals.
Oh the day I actually finish ONE!!!!!!

p.s. I'm having complete writer block lately.
I have nothing to write about.

Usually that means my life is not too exciting.

don't worry. the day is coming that I will actually be doing something exciting this summer...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

any ideas??



I would just LOOOVVVEE
to get back to my pre-Avery weight...

I know I know
THIS doesn't help...I'm doing better though.. ;)


We were FINALLY able to swim in our pool for the first time this summer yesterday.

I wasn't able to enjoy it much last year,
so I'm SUPER excited to lay out,
and most of all

My Dad and Joey

My dad just after being pushed into the pool unwillingly

My mom going down the slide
Me and Terri
(yes. I know.. I look really bad when I swim..)

Monday, May 18, 2009


I have spent the last few days with two of my best friends,
Terri & Keara.

Terri is Engaged.
Her wedding day is August 8th, 2009.
Keara and I are both going to be in the line...

Because of this,
We have decided that we are going to try to work out Monday-Friday every week.

We started off doing really well....
until last thursday.

it turned into this..

Goofing off...
(that's an understatement)

taking pictures in the parking lot of the movie theatre after seeing movies like "Obsessed"

and watching movies while painting our nails.

We procrastinate.

this is a new week.

So we're gonna try again...

Friday, May 15, 2009

Open Adoptions

THIS article makes me happy.

I LOVE how they are showing the good side of adoption.
Mrs. R. found it.

I LOVE it.
I highly recommend you read,
and set some of the negative commenters straight.

There is opposition in all things I guess.......But WOW.
If everyone was educated..there would NO LONGER BE that opposition on this subject.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Priesthood.

Me and My Dad Christmas of '07

Warning -- this post may be a little TMI for some people...

Throughout my life I have been a Daddy's Girl.
when I am sick, I want my mom.
There is just something soothing about her voice and her hugs to comfort me.

Last night however,
was different.

I have had 'painful periods' my entire life.
without fail, the first night of my period, you would most definitely find me rolling around on the ground in complete pain. My mom would be right beside me stroking my hair and doing everything she could do to make me feel better.

After I had Avery though,
It seemed that I no longer had to deal with the pain.
I wasn't having cramps at all.
I was SO grateful for that every time.

that didn't last.
I guess even good things have to come to an end to right?

Last Night, for the first time since before I had Avery, I experienced the worst cramps.
they woke me up at about 4 am.

For me,
Ib profin ALWAYS does the trick.
so I got up,
took four of those,
then went back to bed.
They didn't leave.
in fact, they became worse.

Next step, was to take a hot bath.
you know how heat always helps right?
that did nothing. I was STILL in so much pain.

So I got out,
crept into my little sisters room to find the hot pad I knew she had used last.
I tried to use that.
it didn't work either.

I was on the verge of tears.
It was now 5:00 am and I was in more pain than before.

Usually at this point, I would be calling for my mom. She always knows how to soothe my pain. But something told me to do differently.

I grabbed my phone and called my dad.
When he answered I asked him if I could receive a blessing.

He was downstairs in about 30 seconds.

My mom came as well, since I think my phone call woke her up too (oops! )
He gave me a beautiful blessing.
I thanked him and laid down as they went back to bed

Within in MINUTES,
I was asleep.
My cramps had subsided.
I knew that would help.
I don't know why I hadn't thought of it earlier.

Especially since,
That happened a few years ago as well.
I was about 17 and I was rolling around on the ground in pain, except my mom was there. I had gone to her for comfort. Within 30 minutes of nothing helping, she asked my dad to give me a blessing.

I was in the family room this time.
and when he finished the blessing, I just laid down on the couch and fell right to sleep.

The priesthood has blessed me so much throughout my life and continues to still do so.
I'm so grateful to have a Father that can hold the priesthood.
I'm so grateful to have a Father that will drop anything anytime, anywhere, just to give me a blessing when I'm in need.

My dad gave me a blessing in the hospital right before I signed relinquishment papers,
he gave me blessings of comfort throughout my pregnancy,
he gave me a blessing of comfort after my best friend died and I didn't think I could handle anything anymore.

Thank you Dad.
I love you.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mothers Day

So I didn't get the chance to post about mothers day yesterday.
It was quite a busy day.

But I just wanted to give a shout out to my mom.

I can't even express how thankful I am for her and all she does for me. She is a GREAT mother. I love her so much.


doesn't even come close to how great my mom is.

I hope you had a good mothers day mom!!

Okay so I was just about to post this when my mom came in and told me that our old neighbors and GREAT friends were here to see me.

I went outside to see Cathi and Michelle on there bikes.

We talked for a bit when all of the sudden they took this beautiful rag quilt out of the bag Michelle was holding.

She gave it to me while saying "happy mothers day"

I started crying.

I have such great people in my life.

These two awesome friends also brought me dinner the night I came home from the hospital after placing Avery.

I don't think Michelle OR Cathi read my blog,
but if they do...

You have NO idea how much this beautiful gift means to me.
I love you guys!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

The Adoption Walk

As you know today was the Celebrating Adoption Walk in Provo, UT.

I met up with Dustin, Andrea and Avery when I got there...

and also met Mrs. R. for the first time.
She's awesome.

Dustin and Andrea took me to lunch.

Today is Birthmothers Day
Dustin and Andrea gave me this ADORABLE present

Along with, of COURSE, some Sour Patch kids

Thank you for making my day so AWESOME Dustin and Andrea!!
I Love You!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Casey Jack

This is My little Brother Casey.

Today was his 7th Birthday!

This kid is the sweetest kid you will ever meet.
He has the sweetest heart and spirit.

I'm SO blessed to have him as my little brother.

Yet, another reason why I love adoption SO MUCH.

I love you Casey

You're growing up WAY too fast.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Mark Shultz

These videos make me cry

Thank you Becca for showing me the first one,
and Rachelle for showing me the second.


I wish the whole world would watch them both.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Sad Day.

Why was it a sad day? you may ask...

I regret to inform you that my Wonderful camera died to day.
(and although it wasn't an incredibely nice camera like THIS, I am still feeling the loss. BIG TIME)

Farewell my friend.
I will never forget the oh so many memories we shared together.

BUT.....Good thing for sisters!!
I will be using theirs for the time being
and for that,
I am grateful.

Birth Mom Article

So as I mentioned in this post, I am staying with my grandparents this week.

They both read the newspaper quite a bit, and my Oma happened to mention to me while we were eating dinner, that she read something in the newspaper about "Birth Mothers Day".

This article put both a good and bad taste in my mouth.
read will see what I mean.

I despise how they say "giving up" for adoption. it's "placed"
can I just say that I cringe every time I hear someone say "give up"?

I didn't give Avery up.
I placed her with her family.
(like I don't say that enough!)

I disagree with some of the things mentioned in the article, and I think they take some things a little too lightly, which will cause harsh feelings.
as shown in some of the comments.
(but only some...most of them are awesome.)

Over all it's a good Article. Especially when they mention "coley". Her and I are both on Mrs. R's Birth Mom Panel.
(if you don't already read her blog, I highly recommend you start)

While reading,
I found this awesome idea that was mentioned in the article.

The Celebrating Adoption Walk.

It takes place this saturday May 9th, 10:00 am at Provo High School.
(125 N. University Ave.)
I'm going.
you should too!!

Don't Forget to wear white or an adoption shirt!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dealing with the pain

Me and Avery on Placement day

Due to a comment on a recent post of mine,
I was asked to make a post on how I have dealt with the pain of placing.

I'm not quite sure how well this is going to turn out,
because I'm not sure how to put it in words.
But we'll so how it goes.

Before I start though, I would like to say that I have DEFINITELY had hard days. The pain I have dealt with hasn't been easy and I didn't just breeze through this process. I did have hard hard days, but I also had good days. It's really all just part of the healing process.

Here are mainly the top 3 things that have really helped me cope:
  1. Prayer -- I wouldn't be nearly as well off as I am if it wasn't for constant prayer. I feel so much closer to my Father in Heaven because of this experience. As a result of the constant prayer in my life, I have been a lot closer to the spirit and have been comforted at my times of need.

  2. Family -- If it wasn't for my mom and dad, I wouldn't be nearly as well off. My dad has been there every step of the way giving me priesthood blessings, or just simply hugging me and letting me cry on his shoulder. My mom has been there every step of the way as well with everything and has been someone I could talk to about Avery whenever I felt that I couldn't live another day without her.

  3. Remembering why I placed -- Whenever I am having a hard day, remembering the reason that I decided to place her for adoption in the first place has ALWAYS helped. It helped me take my mind off of my wants and needs and has helped me remember that if I did have her with me at the moment, she wouldn't be as well off.

Of course there were many other factors that have helped so much with the healing process, but without fail, those 3 things have helped me every time.

Another thing that has helped is telling me story and talking about it...hence my blog. I LOVE sharing my story with others. When I first started this blog it was for healing purposes mostly. But as it went further, I just wanted to share my story with the world!! :):)

I take every opportunity I possibly can to speak about it

Having an open adoption has also been a huge way of being able to heal. Knowing how Avery is doing and that she is happy and so well off helped me to know that she was better off.

I really think that open adoptions have a huge impact on the healing process. I think that without them, I would have always wondered how Avery was doing, what milestones she was accomplishing, how she was bonding with her family and all of those things.

Because I DO have an open adoption and because Dustin and Andrea are such great people, I know all of those things and have now come to the point where I know without a doubt that Avery is their child. It was a tough road for a while, but now I feel as if I have overcome it.

All of us birthmoms deal with it in a different way, but I can say with compelete confidence that it gets easier. I'm not saying that the pain goes away completely, I'm only saying that it will get SO much easier. I finally feel like I have my life back and that's really such a great feeling.

Monday, May 4, 2009

My Opa

This Week
my aunt MaryJane has asked me to take care of my granparents while she is on vacation, because they live with her and she is usually there to help them if they need anything. So I'm with them until Thursday.

They are Dutch, so we call them Oma and Opa (which is Grandma and Grandpa in Dutch)

they slept over Saturday night to Sunday since I had such a busy day on Saturday and while they were there, my Dad and Opa were talking on Sunday about how long my Opa's hair is. During the conversation, my brother-in-law Blake offered to shave his head for him.

My Opa agreed and they decided to do it right then.
the shaving his head turned into giving him a whole makeover with the razor...

I got it on video and decided to post it because they are so funny.
This might be one of those things where you have to know him to get how funny this video is..but I couldn't help posting it anyway!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

What a day

Today Dustin Andrea and Avery, are officially an Eternal Family.
I have to say I was worried about the way I would handle it all.

In fact,
I was terrified as to how I would react.
I thought that I would be crying tears of sadness all day.

But that's not how it went down.
at all.

As I was driving to the Draper Temple,
I was overcome with the most comforting feeling.
It was the exact feeling I felt when I was in the hospital,
particularly on placement day.

As I walked in to the waiting room and sat down,
The spirit was there. I felt at such peace as I sat and waited for them.

As time went by,
familiar faces started appearing.

before I knew it, many people were coming up to me and telling me what an amazing ceremony had taken place.
I felt such an overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude towards every one of them. I couldn't believe how many people were coming up and talking to me. Even people I had never met before were talking to me as if I was a good friend. I was so greatful for that. It meant so much to me. I don't know if any of them read my blog, but if they do, I would like to personally thank each and every person that made me feel so welcome. It meant more than you will ever know.

A few minutes later, I looked up and Dustin was walking into the waiting room. I couldn't contain my excitement. As I stood up I looked over and saw Andrea and Avery. All three of them were dressed in white. I walked straight up to Andrea and gave her a hug. As we hugged, I began to cry...but it wasn't sad tears like I had feared, it was tears of complete joy. I was so excited for them I could hardly stand it. I then hugged Dustin and we walked out of the temple so they could take pictures.

What a beautiful family they are. When the time came to take the "group" pictures, I began feeling really awkward. I felt like I was someone standing in on someones family pictures. That feeling didn't come because I felt awkward around them because seriously..they are some amazing people I can't even emphasize that enough..but because I finally realized that I really am okay with all of this. I really do truly believe that this is Avery's family and even though I love her SO much, she really isn't my family. She was sent here to be in Dustin and Andrea's family. she is THEIR child and for the first time since I discovered I was pregnant, I was 1000%, EMOTIONALLY and spiritually, CONTENT with it.

Spiritually I have known the whole time...but emotionally...there has always been a part of me that hasn't been able to cut the chord. At first that scared me. I was worried as to why I felt that way, but as I drove home, tears streamed down my face as I realized that this is a good thing. Thank you Dustin and Andrea. Thank you from the bottom core of my heart. I couldn't have ever felt this way without you.

An hour later, my mom and I went to Avery's blessing at her house.

is all I can say.

more people came up and talked to me,
more people made me feel welcome,
more people amazed me.

Dustin gave Avery such a beautiful blessing.
By the time it was over,
I was bawling my eyes out.

Even though I know with every part of me that Avery is their daughter,
I still love her so much.
I think I will always have a special connection with her.
Even if she's NOT in my family.

Then Andrea bore her Testimony.
I think I embarrassed myself with the many tears that were coming out of my eyes.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives Dustin and Andrea and congratulations on becoming an eternal family!! I love you!

After that amazing experience, I came home and went on a not so amazing date..haha.
More about that tomorrow... for now..I'm just going to enjoy the fact that Dustin and Andrea have an eternal family, and that I am 1000% CONTENT with my life :)