Faith

I have been thinking about something lately

and

I want to share my feelings.

**I would like to say before though, that I would never try to talk someone into adoption.
I am an adoption advocate, but I in no way am I going to try to tell someone that adoption is the best choice for them. Every situtaion is different and unique.**

With that being said,
let me go on.

When I found out I was pregnant,
the first thing I thought of was not adoption.

In fact,
I did everything I could to avoid that because I knew it would cause a lot of pain on my end and I most definitely did not want that.
So Obviously,
my first option was going to be to get married.

The only problem was,
I wasn't in love.

Deep down I knew this, but ignored it because I wanted so badly to get married.

Two thoughts kept coming to my mind that would make it easier to go through with marriage.

1. I was probably never going to get married again if I didn't marry Kris. Why? because I knew that the kind of guy I wanted to marry was not going to want to marry someone that has already had a child.

2. I was the reason that Kris couldn't go on a mission. It would be rude just to leave him now right?

Although, neither of these reasons are good enough to marry and make the baby suffer, I wasn't thinking about that at the time.

I had to ask myself if I felt like that was a good enough reason to go through with a marriage that wont last. If it was a good enough reason to cause my child to suffer from my mistakes.

It took a bit for me to get my head on straight and to think about what mattered most in my situation.

My Baby.

So,
the best thing I could do if I really wanted to give this child the best life, was to have faith.

That was a hard concept to learn, but really, the hardest thing to handle was the question "Will I ever get married?"

I have had to constantly remind myself to have faith that the Lord will lead me to the man that I am supposed to marry.
I NEEDED faith that everything would work out in the end.
I NEEDED to have faith that what I was doing was right.

AND,
I still need to have faith.

I'm not married yet,
I don't see myself getting married anytime in the near future,
but I am just trusting in the Lord that it will happen when the time is right.

That is the hardest thing to do.
I think that FAITH is the key to placing your child for adoption.

I had to have faith that Avery was going to the right home.
I had to have faith that the Lord would bless me if I did what was right.
I had to have faith that Dustin and Andrea would be the kind of parents I wanted Avery to have.

Adoption is based on Faith,
and that is really the only thing that can get you through.

and
Eventually,
that Faith will pay off.

For Mae:

Conner took a few steps today and I got it on camera!!
(unfortunately, I didn't get the best footage..and the time he took the most steps..I didn't catch on camera. But he's SO adorable!)

Here's what I got:

haha wow I say come on a lot..
Yes I am aware that he is only in his diaper..he hates it when I get him dressed...so i let him roam free for a while. lol

I put this on here for Mae (Conners mom)

you think he'll be walking by October??

I'm writing a book...

yes, you read that right.
I am writing a book.
(laughing yet?)

It IS on my list, so I decided I should get started since it may take 2 years to finish.

This book is about my life.
haha suprised?

I sound so conceded or like the world revolves around me or something,
but here is why I'm making it about my life.

First because I have absolutely no imagination at all.
like not any whatsoever so there is no way I would be able to write one that is imaginary and completely fictionous,

and Second, because back when I was about 16 years old I read the book Megan by Jack Weyland.

Jack Weyland is an AMAZING LDS author and I have read many of his books.

This particular book is about a girl that finds herself pregnant.

It tells the story of how she decides to place this child for adoption.

It goes back and forth between her story,

and a couple that is suffering from infertility.

It tells of the pain and heartache that comes from infertility.

It also tells of the pain and heartache that comes from placing.

I haven't read this book since I was 16,

(I think I'm going to start reading it again tonight)

but I really think that this book had an impact on my decision to place.

I remember when I was trying to figure out whether or not to get married or place Avery for adoption, this book came to my mind on more than once. I kept remembering this couple that was longing for a baby. I remembered the heartache that this family felt. I remembered crying for this mother as she longed for a baby.

I also remembered crying at the end of the book when Megan was going through the emotional and very difficult to place this child. I cried and I thought after I finished that book "good thing I will never have to deal with something like that. I don't know how I could ever place my child. It would be so incredibely hard."

Little did I know...I would be doing JUST that 3 years later.

Anyway,

yes. This book had an impact on me.

So the second reason I am writing this book about my life,

is because I'm hoping that MAYBE..if I can even (by that SMALL chance) get this book published..

maybe I could make someone think more about adoption if they find themselves in this situation.

(and it's most likely going to be more than just my adoption story...I really hope that's not a mistake..I'm thinking that could help someone too?? maybe??)

Crazy thought?

Maybe.

But it's worth a try.

Right??

Adoptive Families.

I just want to make something clear.

If it wasn't for Dustin and Andrea,

Avery would be suffering from my mistakes right now.

Adoptive parents are AMAZING.

They go through SO much to have children.

It can't be easy.

THEY DESERVE MORE CREDIT.

I heard something on Adoption Voices today that made my blood boil..Hence, the purpose of this post.

The biggest Loser.

Okay here's the deal.

My mom, dad, sisters and I are all having a biggest loser contest.
Who ever loses the most weight, get's $60
(money that we all contributed).

It goes until November.

We have been doing this for about a week and a half now.

Last week,
I lost four pounds.
I hadn't had a 'dieting' plan set up because I was SOO busy last week,
but I hardly had time to eat.

I was very surprised that I had lost so much though..

THIS week,
I HAVE been strictly dieting.
Let me tell you something...I am NOT a fan of it.
I have been SUPER grumpy,
very emotional (for good reason though..I think they are very legitimate reasons)
and
REALLY tired all week.

So....
if I don't post for a couple weeks...
it may be because

1. I'm grumpy and don't want to let it show when I blog
2. I'm sleeping
or
3. I'm just really busy...school DOES start this week you know..
haha.

Right now I am currently in a good mood, because I quit dieting today.
I was having a really bad day and at about 5 o'clock..I couldn't take it anymore...so I got some food in my stomach to help change my mood..

Thank Heaven for wonderful parents.
They make me feel SOO much better when I have my emotional breakdowns...

NOW,
on to another 3 months of dieting...

P.S.

I took that birthmom to the Airport today.

She flew back home and there is a 99.9% chance I will never see her again.

I have come to love that girl.

It's hard for me to see HER leave...

I think that may have been a reason for my emotions today...

I think that is going to be one of the hardest things about this job.

Sometimes...

It's hard to put how I feel in
words.

so many emotions and feelings..yet so
little words that can express any of them.

I experienced...

My first 'relinquishment' as a case manager today.

Yesterday,

at 2:30 am,

I received a phone call from the birthmom I have been taking care of.

Her water broke.

SO,

we go to the hospital

and within 2 hours, they were prepping her for a C-section.

I am quite shocked as to how well I was able to control my emotions.

The only time I have cried even a little through this process, is when the baby was born...

This birthmother broke down when the baby cried for the first time.

That moment.

Just that small moment.

hearing the sweet baby cry, and seeing this birthmom break down in tears,

brought back the memories of the first time I saw Avery and heard her cry.

It brought back the feelings I felt.

The "How in the world am I going to do this?" feelings.

I was completely choked up and all I could do was hold her hand and rub her hair as this baby continued to cry.

Since then,

I have not shed another tear.

(at least not yet..!)

Even today when I was in the room as she signed relinquishment papers,

everyone was able to control thier emotions.

This birthmother is an awesome girl.

most of the people in her life do NOT support this adoption, including her mother.

It amazes me how people can do this without very much support.

I sat in her room with her yesterday as she cried. She kept saying how she wanted so badly to parent this child. She wanted so badly to just be this childs mother.

She called her mom for comforting words and all her mom said was "bring me my grandbaby home. You don't have to do this." (her mom wasn't ANGRY at her for placing, but she didn't agree with it)

It broke my heart to see her have to deal with all of this without even her mother telling her that she could do it and being there for her when she just wanted encouragement.

Still as she talked to me,

she started naming off all of the reasons that she SHOULD place.

she named off the reasons that would make it hard for her TO place, but the reasons as to why she should, outnumbered the reasons as to why she shouldn't.

I have learned a lot from this girl in the past few days.

She is a very strong person. Stronger than I could ever be.

When I placed,

I had 100% support from like 99% of the people in my life.

This girl had support from about 10%..and that includes me, her social worker, the adoptive parents and everyone that I work with.

I think my favorite part of this whole experience so far has been seeing this birthmom interact with the adoptive family.

I loved seeing both of them relax as they began their first conversation.

I loved watching as the adoptive mother held her baby for the first time and seeing the relief in her eyes as this birthmom explained to her that she was still 100% sure about her decision.

I LOVE MY JOB