Time for an apology

Here's another post, with my poor, very poor writing skills.

But I"m gonna try k? haha

When I'm pregnant, I'm so much more moody than anyone can even fathom.

I've been feeling pretty bad about this for quite some time,

but now I'm going to just suck it up and admit that I was wrong.

THIS is the post I'm talking about.

I don't take back the way I feel about the subject,

but I do take back the way I went about writing it.

I understand that there are good and bad ways to go about things and I know I went about this the wrong way.

I could have been more sensitive to other peoples feelings.

But in all honesty,

I have the HARDEST time understanding how someone can sit there and think Abortion is okay.

I don't get what goes on in their brains and I never will.

Here's the thing.

I get my point across when I keep my temper under control.

When I get angry about something,

I can be MEAN.

Not just rude, downright mean. Not on purpose.

I just get so frustrated that I say EXACTLY what is on my mind.

Yes I'm one of those people.

I don't really sugar coat anything. When I feel a certain way, I just say it.

That get's 10x worse when I'm pregnant.

I understand that it's bad but in all honesty, I would LOVE if people were always completely honest with me.

 That way, if they didn't like me, I wouldn't have to waste my time. Plus can you imagine that great communication!?

haha I'm serious.

Sometimes I just hate it when people don't tell me if I'm bugging them, or if they like something I said, or anything like that. I just would absolutely love it if everyone just always said what was on their mind. BUT. That's not how the world is and everyone wants to think that everyone thinks they're perfect.

Crap. I did it again.

Sorry.

Anyway,

back to why I am making this post.

That Abortion post I made was very blunt and not sugar coated at all.

I don't sugar coat the way I feel about adoption, so I figured I shouldn't sugar coat anything...cause it's the way I am!

But I am writing to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the Harsh words. I'm sorry for being so blunt.

I know this is my blog. I know I should be able to say what I want, but I have not been able to get that post off of my mind since I posted it. It's the reason I stopped writing on here so much.

It was because I was so hormonal and pregnant.

That's not a good excuse, but seriously. I'm mean when I'm pregnant.

Ask my husband. Bless him for putting up with me.

Nobody is perfect okay?

But this is my sincere apology.

I'm sorry for offending those that I offended.

I'm not saying that I agree with you, but I am saying sorry for the words that I said and the way I went about it. I should not have been so harsh.

<3

Eternal Writers Cramp

I was just reading some of my posts from 2009,

and I gotta say...

I've really lowered my writing standards since then haven't I?

I feel as though I am not even the same person as I was back then.

Which, I'm not...

but can't I still have my same writing techniques?

I'm so BORING now and I just barely realized it!

I apologize to everyone for this mishap.

It's disappointing to the max.

Pretty sure college was helping me sound intelligent.

Maybe I should go back...

haha

I feel like my life has changed so much since then and I've had so much going on,

that I've put my blog on a back burner.

So when I DO update,

it's more like word vomit.

It's not pretty.

I hope that everyone can forgive me.

I'm really not the grumpy girl that's been updating the last year...

I've just lost my writing inspiration I guess :(

Wish I have parented?

I received a question on my last post,

that is a question I have also been asked a lot so I decided to answer it in a post as well.

The question was:

I can't help but wonder, now that you are married and a mom do you ever wish you could have parented Avery since now you have a two parent household for her? In hindsight, do you regret it or do you (or her adoptive parents) worry she might wonder why she was adopted and her sibling (through birth/blood) was not?

Short Answer: No.

Long Answer:

For those of you that are also LDS,

it's probably easier for you to understand this.

But I will try my best to explain it if you are not.

We understand that families can be together forever. The way to do that is to be sealed together for time and all eternity in the Temple. When we are married, instead of parting at death, we are sealed together for Eternity. Even After death.

This is something that I have a strong Testimony of. I am so grateful that we can be together forever. I can't imagine thinking that if my Husband or Family Member or Child were to pass away that we wouldn't be a forever family! It is so comforting to know that when a family member passes on, we WILL see them again and we WILL be a family forever.

So now let me explain something as far as Avery goes.

Avery's Birthfather and I would not have stayed together.

Our marriage would not have lasted. 

We wouldn't have been sealed in the Temple, which means we wouldn't be a forever family.

How do you think Avery would feel,

if she was the only one that was not sealed to her family?

Because Tyson and I were Sealed in the Temple when we were married,

Kalista was born into the Covenant which means she was born already sealed to us.

When Dustin and Andrea adopted Avery,

they were able to take her to the Temple and be sealed to her.

The only way that Avery would have been able to be sealed to us,

is if her Birthfather allowed Tyson to adopt her and let me tell you right now,

I know for a FACT that he would not have allowed that.

So that is one Major reason that I still know that Avery is where she is supposed to be.

Not once have I wished I had parented her now that she would be living in a stable environment.

Another reason is that just because she would still have a two parent home,

she would still be going to her birthfathers home every weekend.

She would still be passed back and forth.

I gotta say,

I'm having a hard time leaving Kali at my parents house over night for mine and Tysons Anniversary...

I would DIE having to do it every single weekend!

I hope this makes sense and that I'm not just rambling,

but marrying Tyson just confirmed to me that Avery is in the right place.

She is sealed to her parents.

and I know that as long as you are sealed to your family,

that everyone is a family in heaven anyway.

We're all brothers and sisters.

SO no,

I don't wish I had parented her.

not for one second.

But I love that girl so dang much!!

Which is why I don't regret placing her.

She is better off!

and when I see a post like THIS,

it just confirms my feelings even more :)

Understanding what Adoption REALLY means.

I've been having numerous conversations,

with many different people lately about Adoption and what it means once a birthmom signs those papers.

After making the difficult decision to place her for Adoption and finding Dustin and Andrea,

I never once referred to Avery as my daughter.

Not once did I think of her that way.

I believe with 100% of my heart that Avery is and always has been Dustin and Andrea's Daughter.

She had to take a detour to get to them,

but she is NOT mine.

Signing the papers makes it so,

Even when you look at her,

it's so obvious that they are her parents.

If I didn't know any better, I would think that she was biologically born to them.

She resembles them SO much.

Nobody in my family thinks of Avery that way.

Kalista is my first child, My parents first Grandchild and my Siblings first Neice.

It's not to say that we don't love Avery.

We all do.

SO MUCH!

But it's a different kind of love.

Avery and I don't have the mother-daughter bond.

The love I have for her is unlike any love that many people will never experience.

I can't explain it.

But it's different because I know that she is Dustin and Andrea's daughter.

She was always meant for them.

So I guess the meaning for the post is this:

A lot of people misinterpret this.

A lot of people have made comments to us about how Kali isn't my only daughter, or my parents only Grand-daughter.

For those that don't understand this about Adoption,

they probably don't understand that this is very close to annoying.

haha

It kind of frustrates me when I'm talking to someone about Kali and they refer to her as a 'little sister' or when they refer to Avery as my daughter.

She's not. I have a hard time explaining this because It's hard to make not sound like I don't love Avery. I DO! I absolutely Adore that girl! But I just feel like some people need to understand the way my family and I see this Adoption.

Once I signed those papers, she was no longer my daughter.

The papers clearly state that.

I willingly did that because I always knew that Avery was going to the right place.

FSA Conference

We Attended the Families Support Adoption Conference this weekend.

It was fun!

We spent most of the time with Andrea and it's always fun to catch up with her.

Another awesome suprise was running in to Tysons case worker from when he was in Foster Care!

We had a really good long talk.

My husband is so amazing.

I'm always so in Awe at how incredible he has turned out after living the life he's lived.

I'm so lucky :)

Unfortunately,

I'm so so bad at this lately,

and I didn't take any pictures.

I took a total of ONE and it was this:

An adoptive mother gave me this Binky, because she thought Kali was the little one I placed for adoption.

But you know,

Technically,

I AM her birthmom!

hahaha.

It was a really good experience.

I always love those conferences.

and I love Andrea.

I always feel so lucky after talking to her.

I don't think there is anyone else out there that I would connect with as well as I do with Andrea.

I seriously can talk to her about anything. 

Kalista's Blessing Day

Kali's Blessing was Sunday,and Dustin Andrea and Avery came.

They saw our new place for the first time.

It was so nice seeing them.

Avery is getting SOO big!

She loves Kali and is the funniest little girl ever!

She has the cutest personality.

It's so crazy how big Avery is getting.

I swear she was just born yesterday!

I love that girl.

Two little Angels.

Private no longer.

Okay,

I've done it.

I've made my other blog public.

I don't know why I let the rude people get to me so much.

I can't believe I am admitting this to everyone,

but pretty sure,

 my Pregnancy hormones had a lot to do with it.

I talked to Tyson and he told me that he made an excuse about wanting our new blog to be private,

because he was tired of hearing me complain.

haha

SOOO,

now that I'm back to myself again,

Here it is:

My Family Blog