ONE YEARS OLD.

Dear Beautiful Avery,
One year ago today,
I saw you for the first time...



You had ten tiny fingers...



Ten Tiny toes...



and big beautiful eyes.



I couldn't take my eyes off of you.



You hardly cried...



Or even slept.

and when you would look at me,
It was as if you knew what was going on.
You seemed so completely content and happy.



I didn't know it was possible to love someone so much.
I didn't know the true meaning of love, until I met you.



I have never suffered as much pain and heartache as I did the day I had to put your needs ahead of mine...



...The day I placed you into the arms of your loving, incredible, parents.



But I knew it was the right thing Avery.
I knew that you would have the EXACT life I wanted you to have.
The kind of life I couldn't give you...including an Eternal Family.




Now,
ONE YEAR LATER,

you are still the most beautiful little girl I have ever met.



you are happy as can be...

and
You are my little princess.



The bond we have is different from any other.

No one will EVER have the kind of relationship with you that I have.
We are lucky.

I still think about you everyday.
I miss you every day.

But I know you are where you are supposed to be.

I know you are in the best of hands, with amazing parents

and I am SO grateful and lucky to be in an open adoption with you and your family.

I love you more than words can express.
Happy Birthday Avery Leigh.

It is so hard to believe...

YOU'RE ONE!!!

With SO much Love,
Your Birthmom

Wanna Laugh?

Watch THIS.

CUTEST THING EVER!!

Nothing's Coincidence.

I have ANOTHER story to tell.

Excited?

haha well, I'm going to tell it anyway.

So for the past few months I have really been struggling with money.

(as most of us are...because of this ridiculous economy)

At one point I had three jobs,

yet I was still not making enough to pay all of my bills.

So,

I decided about a month ago that I was really going to crack down and find a way to get a GOOD, SUFFICIENT, RELIABLE job that paid enough for all of the things I needed.

One day,

after doing my daily scan of all of Intermountain Health Cares job openings, I came across a CNA job in Labor and Delivery and a CNA job in Maternity. Both at the hospital I delivered at.

Side Note:

Some of you may know,

that since I was young I have always dreamed of working in the womans center of the hospital.

For a while I wanted to become a nurse, but decided after working as a CNA for about a year, that I liked what CNA's did better.

Still,

I have always DREAMED of working in the womans center.

getting a job in there however, is FAR from easy.

EVERYONE wants that job.

Anyway,

back to my story.

I came across these openings.

Quickly, I applied for both of them, but continued looking for other jobs.

I never really got my hopes up too high, because I have applied for other jobs at IHC and all of them have told me that they found someone else.

In the meantime, all of my attempts to find a job were failing miserabely.

I had an interview from time to time, but never got further than that.

(I have NEVER in my life had such a hard time finding a job.)

So on Fast sunday, October 11th,

I made finding a job the main point of my fast.

Later that day, my mom informed me that SHE was also fasting for me to help me find a job. I was so grateful to her for that...and I knew how badly she wanted me to find one too..

So,

that night when I went to bed, I again, prayed extra hard that I would find a job.

The next morning,

I woke up and checked my email inbox.

I had a new email.

From Intermountain Health Care,

Telling me that they would like to interview me for the CNA position in the Maternity unit.

I was in complete shock!

It is beyond difficult to get an interview from IHC, much less for the MATERNITY position!

I had an interview on Wednesday.

I ran upstairs and told my mom about the interview, this whole time thinking how crazy it was that this was happening just the day after my fast.

The next day,

I woke up to a phone call.

It was someone from the Labor and Deliver unit asking me if I was interested in coming in for an interview. I immediately responded and was scheduled for an interview on Thursday.

I went to my interview on Wednesday (for the Maternity unit) and there were about 9 other people interviewing for the same job. When I saw this, the excitement that I might have a new job almost completely diminished. I was competing against 9 other people...I had a 1 in 9 chance I was going to get this job. great.

So, for the next hour and I half I forced myself out of my comfort zone and did everything in my power to stand out. The group interview was first and I worked HARD on standing out.

Next were the one on one interviews.

After they asked me a number of intense questions,

The converseation went something like this.

Interviewers: "Okay, do you have any questions for us?"

Me: "well, no but I just want you to know that have not wanted a job so badly in my life. If you hire me, I won't let you down. I have wanted a job in the womans center since I was a little kid and I won't let you down."

Interviewers: "wow, that is good to know. (smile) this is going to be a very difficult choice."

Me: "I think everyone there is great...I love your staff, I had a baby there a year ago and they were great to me. I love the doctors and I know I would do great with this job."

After the interview finally ended, I got in the car and could not believe some of the things I said. "I have wanted this job since I was a little kid..."? and I told them that I had a baby there. That's great.

I can honestly say I have never tried so hard in my entire life to get someone to choose me for something. I have never tried so hard to make myself look good or to make other people think I was better than someone else. IT WORE ME OUT!

So,

the next day I went in for my interview for Labor and Delivery.

I was quite nervous for this one and became even more so when the interviewer said "There were 130 applicants. We only chose 10 to interview so I would like to congratulate you all for being here."

WOW..I was lucky. I KNEW I didn't qualify like these other people. They were all actually MAJORING in nursing or SOMETHING of that sort...and then there is ME who is majoring in Social work.

However,

I felt a lot more confident after this interview.

I felt like there was a chance I would actually get it!

well...now was the waiting period.

and oh how much I anticipated it.

I have been STRESSED OUT OF MY MIND.

I even had a dream the other night that I was anticipating the job...and even in my DREAM I didn't find out if I got it.

Well,

yesterday I finally called them to find out if they had made a decision.

The person I was directed to wasn't there...so I left a message.

Well...today...I was getting ready to go give a Presentation at a high school about adoption with Andrea...when my phone rang.

My stomach leaped when I noticed the first three numbers...which were IHC numbers.

I answered, just expecting them to tell me that I did not get the job.

Here is (about) how the conversation went:

Me: "Hello?"

Caller: "Is this Andrea?"

Me: "Yes" (trying really hard not to sound discouraged)

Caller: "I this is ____[I can't remember he name]from the intermountain health care recruitment office. I am calling for Nina because she is out sick."

Me: "Oh Hi." (still trying to sound somewhat friendly)

Caller: "I am just wondering if you are still interested in the CNA position for the Maternity Unit?"

**a pause of complete astonishment**

Me: "YES!" I said it almost TOO excitedly

Caller: "great! I was just calling to let you know that we would love to have you join our team then."

Me: (I could have started crying now of compelete joy) "No way! Oh my gosh you have NO idea how excited I am! Thank you!"

Caller: (Laughing) "well I'm happy to hear how enthusiastic you are"

Me: "You have no idea!"

The call went on with her explaining to me what I needed to do and when I would start.

after getting off the phone I flew upstairs to tell my mom and texted my entire family.
I still haven't heard back from Labor and Delivery, but I don't care anymore! :)

I NOW HAVE A JOB IN THE WOMANS CENTER!

I AM NOW WORKING BOTH OF MY DREAM JOBS AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE!

I am a CNA and a Case Manager.

I will be spending a majority of my life in the womans center. :-)

My Testimony on Fasting has just been stregnthened.

My prayers were answered...and quite quickly.

Nothing is coincedence.

and here comes another Rainbow after the storm <3

I start Monday. :)

what NOT to say.

The reason I chose this picture....
because Andrea is usually the person I go to when someone has offended me, because she can relate... and she is always SO supportive. Everytime.

I'm going to try really hard to

1- not be offensive
and
2- get my point across

with this post.

For the last couple of weeks I have been thinking about making a list of things not to say to a birth mother.

Well,
I'm at least going to try to make it a list.

For the most part I have the most amazing people in my life.
The most amazing supporters.

95% of the people I come across and interact with each day know exactly what to say to me when we talk about adoption.
They are GREAT and always make me feel so good about myself! (lol)

But of course,
there are always those few people that say some offensive things or that don't think before they speak.

I'm not one that is super sensitive about the things people say.
in fact,
most of the time,
people say something that might be offensive and then back track or try to fix it because they think I was offended. Most of the time, I'm not. At all.

But,
there are times that I am.
There are times where I just have to smile and nod and hold back the tears while I'm talking to them. (then when I go home I cry and write an angry blog post about how I can't believe someone would say that to me...but then I don't publish it and usually erase it after a couple of days when I've cooled off!)

So,
this post is just simply to educate the few that MAY sometimes say things that they don't think about before saying or just simply for the people that don't know what COULD be offensive.

(I will probably be adding to this list every now and then when someone says something to me that is shockingly insensitive :)...and a link to this post will be put on the my sidebar)

Okay here we go,
Remember, this is what NOT to do/say.


1. Don't say things like: "Why didn't/don't you just give me the baby? Obviously you don't want 'it'"
There is little that someone could say to me that would offend me more than this statement. The funniest part about this, is that the first girl that said this to me was 18 years old and still senior in high school at the time. I was so angry with her that I let her know how much she offended me and was quite blunt. Usually I don't tell someone when I've been offended by them... She hasnt' talked to me since.

2. Don't say "Well I had my child out of wedlock and parented as a single parent...and they turned out just fine."
in other words you might as well say, "I can't belive you placed your child for adoption in a home with BOTH parents. That was seriously the wrong decision and I have less respect for you because of it." If you do not agree with my decision to place, either ASK QUESTIONS about why I placed...nicely...instead of being downright rude, or keep your opinions to yourself. If you ask me questions, I will be more than happy to honestly answer. I want more than anything to educate those people that are not aware of the miracle of adoption on THE MIRACLE OF ADOPTION.

Anyone that knows the truth about adoption, can't have negative feelings towards it. I don't see how that is possible. However, there is opposition in all things so I guess you never know.

3. don't say: "I can't believe you gave your baby away"
First off, I didn't 'give Avery away' I placed her for adoption. There is a difference. A huge difference. and Second, giving something away means giving it to someone that you (most likely) don't know and never wanting anything to do with it again. That's not the case. I knew Dustin and Andrea well before I placed Avery into their arms, to be adopted by them, so that she could have a family to be sealed to and two parents in the same home that love each other. AND I definitely want A LOT to do with Avery. That is why this is an open adoption. I love her more than anything and I always ALWAYS want to know how she is doing.


4. If you are married, pregnant and parenting this baby, do NOT complain to a birthmother OR an infertile couple, about your pregnancy.
Don't complain about how long you have to wait or how uncomfortable you are because I can GUARANTEE that when you DO complain to these people, you are causing much grief emotionally on their end. When I was pregnant, I complained about how long it was taking because I knew I wasn't getting anything in the end except more pain and heartache. I want more than anything to be able to create my own child and carry him/her for nine months and THEN parent him/her after he/she is born. It's hard to explain, but it's very hard to hear an expectant mother complain to me about how miserable she is. I just want to strangle her when she does and I'm sure infertile mothers feels the same way. I just want to say to her "At least this is YOUR child and you're not going to be dealing with incredible emotional pain after she is born."


5. Don't complain about being a mother
I'm sure this goes for adoptive parents too. I know that when the time is right for me to have my own kids, I will be so eternally grateful that I can be their mother. I will cherish every moment with them. So don't complain to me about how hard motherhood is. It's harder to give birth to your child and then willingly relinquish your rights as a mother. Until you have done that, don't complain.


6. Don't say "There are people out there who have it worse than you"
Frankly, this shouldn't be said about ANY trial a person is going through regardless of what it is. Saying that does NOT make the pain any easier. Saying that to someone is completely belittling their trial and that is SO wrong to do. I'm sure the person going through it doesn't think they have it worse than everyone else in this world, I know I don't. But it still hurts. Belittling it does not make them feel any better in fact for me, it makes me feel worse.


7. Don't treat someone placing their child for adoption as 'not that big of a deal'
I heard a story the other day. A good friend of mine had just BARELY placed and she was showing her coworkers pictures of her. One of them walked up to her and said "Cute baby, too bad you gave her away." and then walked away. WOW. That's SOO insensitive. Apparantly this person has NO idea what she had just gone through.


That's all for now.
I am sure I will add more later.

Please don't feel like you're walking on pins and needle's when talking to me about adoption though.
I LOVE talking about it and most of the things said don't upset me.

These things are quite obvious, but you would be suprised by some of the things I hear.

I really hope that nothing I said has offended anyone because that is the last thing I am trying to do. I am just hoping to give some insight on some of the things that I have had a very hard time not taking offense to.

(Birthmoms and Adoptive Families, Please feel free to add to this list by leaving a comment!)

Hero On the Bus

I heard a story on Sunday night that really had me choked up.
Not many news stories HAVE had me like this unless I knew the person,
but this one was very different.

Most of you (especially those living in Utah/Idaho) have probably heard THIS story this week.

After I couldn't get this band instructor and her family off my mind,
I received a email from my INCREDIBLE uncle Joe.

He writes a column for a section in the newspaper called ValueSpeak.

His kids went/have gone to American Fork High school so I am sure they knew this amazing woman.
Uncle Joe sends all of the family his article every week and I would really like to share this one because it really got to me.

I recommend reading it.
Enjoy:

ValueSpeak

A Weekly Column
By Joseph Walker


HERO ON THE BUS

They’re calling her a hero. They
are correct – she is. But maybe not for the reason they’re giving.

At
least, not entirely.

Her name was Heather, and she was a teacher.
Bright, articulate, hard-working, creative and fun, she probably would have been
successful at anything she put her mind to. Certainly, she could have made more
money than she was making as a secondary school teacher. But she was passionate
about teaching. Most especially, she was passionate about teaching music.

And she was good at it. Young people responded to her, as they usually
do to adults who sincerely like them and who clearly want them to be happy and
successful. They liked her because she liked them, and they listened to her
because they knew she cared.

Heather was part of a team of dedicated
teachers who helped to create a championship-caliber high school marching band.
This band was – and still is – the toast of its region, and if it isn’t the best
high school band in the United States, it is certainly in the discussion. Most
who know and respect the band attribute their success to visionary leadership,
talented kids and an extraordinary work ethic. Heather was deeply involved in
all of that, and she savored every moment she spent with her kids.

Last
weekend, for example, was spent at a marching band competition in a neighboring
state. They won the competition – as usual – with Heather alternately stressing,
encouraging and cheering from the sidelines. After celebrating their victory,
they loaded up the four buses required to carry the entire band and started for
home at about 8:30 in the evening, with Heather sitting right up front of the
bus carrying “her” kids: the woodwind section.

About an hour into the
three-hour trip home something happened. Exactly WHAT happened is still a little
unclear. According to those who were on the bus there was a medical problem with
the bus driver. Heather called out to the driver as the bus began to careen off
the side of the road. When it was clear there was a problem, Heather leapt to
the driver’s side and tried to take control of the steering wheel as the bus
bounced wildly over treacherous terrain. She wasn’t able to get the bus back
onto the road, but at least she was able to keep it from going further out into
the darkness away from the road. Still, the terrain, the speed and the steering
struggles proved to be too much for the heavily loaded vehicle, and it
eventually tipped over on its side before sliding to a stop.

As you
might expect, the students on the bus were terrified. It was chaotic and
traumatic, and a number of them were injured in the accident – thankfully, none
critically.

None, that is, except for Heather. As she battled to control
the bus she placed herself in a precarious and vulnerable position. As the
vehicle lurched and reeled and began to roll, she was thrown through the
windshield. Adults from the other buses and emergency personnel did everything
they could, but eventually the students had to be informed that Heather had
died.

The loss of their teacher and friend was overwhelming to the
students, especially after it became clear that Heather’s efforts to steer the
bus back to safety had prevented the vehicle from crashing into a deep, rocky
ravine a few yards from where the bus finally settled.

“There’s no
telling how many lives she saved,” one highway patrol officer said at the scene.
“If that bus had gone into the ravine . . .” The thought was too horrible to
complete.

So, yes – Heather’s actions last Saturday evening were heroic.
I gratefully acknowledge that. But in my mind, that isn’t what makes her a hero.
As impressive as what she did on the bus is, I’m even more impressed by the
simple fact that she was on the bus. She was there for her students. She
responded when she was needed. And she made a difference in their lives – a
difference they will remember as long as they live.

I think it’s that
way with most teachers. Sure, there are bad apples in the teaching profession,
just as there are bad lawyers, bad doctors, bad engineers and – heaven forbid –
bad newspaper columnists. But my experience suggests that teachers teach because
they care. They want to be there for their students. They are anxious and
willing to respond whenever they are needed. And their greatest desire is to
make a positive difference in the lives of their students.

When you
choose to be a teacher you’re not choosing a path that will lead to fame or
fortune. In fact, you are likely choosing to live a simple, quiet life. But you
are choosing a path that matters in the lives of students and their families –
past, present and future.

And that choice, to me, is heroic.

In
the classroom, the practice field, the auditorium, the laboratory, the
gymnasium.

Or on the bus.

Mr Warm Fuzzy

has someone ever done something for you that you appreciated?

SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD at mrwarmfuzzy.com

I couldn't help thinking of this website during President Monsons first talk during General Conference on Sunday morning about the "Warm Fuzzies"

Definitely made my day.

and it makes my day to ready all of the things "Mr Warm Fuzzy" has done for others.

So touched and completely inspired

I'm SURE everyone has heard of NieNie, right?

Okay well,
I just have to share this amazing story.
grab tissues because I PROMISE you will cry.

First, read THIS.

Then, watch THIS video.

oh wow.

She was on Oprah yesterday.
Whenever I read or see anything PERTAINING to Nie, I have a reality check VERY quickly and becomes SO grateful for my life.

I'm so grateful for my body
I'm so grateful that I am able to pick up little kids, including my future children.
I'm SO grateful for this Gospel.

I love Nie.
She is an amazing woman.

Venting.

It is almost October 11th. Just DAYS away.

That will mean it's been 1 year since Keltsons death.

I have been thinking a lot lately.
For the most part, I'm pretty calm and okay with things.

However,
I had my breakdown a few nights ago.
I was NOT handling this well.

To get all of my feelings out,
I made a post.
Keep in mind, I was very upset.

I feel however, that this post needs to be published.

I didn't publish it because I felt that it would come acrossed as me "needing attention".
I assure you that that is NOT why I made this post.

I hope I don't regret this...
But this is what happens during my breakdowns.
We all have them.
We all NEED to have them.

This is how I get even during a moment where I am having a difficult time with placement.

SO, here is my "venting" post:
(fair warning. I was 8 months pregnant and had been emotional all day prior to these pictures being taken. So I look SOOOOOOO bad and swollen from water retention...I'm sorry I alway warn you...but really. These are BAAD. lol.)

*****

I am not making this post for attention.
I am not making this post for anyone to feel sorry for me.
I am making this post to vent.

Just simply vent.

Almost 1 year ago October 11th, my best friend passed away.



I can't explain in words what complete and utter sadness I am feeling right now.
I can't explain in words how much I miss him.

I have been doing things to keep my mind off this fact.
I don't want to think about it.
It is painful to think about how much I miss him.



So,
to get my mind off of it,
I have been reading a LOT.

I started reading the book "The Sound of Rain" by Anita Stansfield.
I had NO IDEA what kind of book this was.

I am currently on a part where his best friend dies.
The friend that he felt so compeltely attached to.
The friend that he felt he had a future with.
The friend that made him feel like he was worth something.

This friend dies in a car accident.
This friend was hyper and doing crazy things just an hour before his accident.
Keltson did this with his family the last time he saw them.
He was goofing off and making them all laugh.



This book hits too close to home for me.
It's SOO good, but I am currently bawling.
BAWLING.

I can't control my sobs.
I miss him so much it is causing me so much pain in every way.
I want to talk to him again and hear his voice.
I want to laugh at his stupid jokes.
I want to hear HIS laugh.
I want to hug him again.
I want to hear him tell me that my future husband is going to be lucky just to make me feel better about my situation.
I want to hear him tell me that I'm strong.
I want to go to McDonalds or Village inn with him again at 2 in the morning.
I want to go LOOKING for an open restaurant in the late hours of the night.
I want to talk to him for hours.



I miss all of that so much.
I miss his eyes. Whenever he would look at me straight into the eyes, I somehow felt like everything was okay. That as long as Keltson was there, I would be okay.



I want to hear him tell me not to worry what other people think.
I want to get allergies again everytime he comes over because he had just been with his horses and I'm terribly allergic.



I want him to notify me that he showered and changed clothes before he came over so that I WOULDN'T get allergies.
I want to take funny pictures with him again.
I want him to send funny RANDOM pictures to me through text at random times of the day.



I want to receive a text from him everyday asking "How's the little woman" (Avery) in every one of them.
I want to watch him pace back and forth in my theatre room just after watching a scary movie.
I want to watch him tease my dog.
I want to watch him with suprise as my dog goes to lay by him everytime he comes over without fail...even though he teases him.
I want to hear him talk about how amazing his mom is
I want to hear him talk about how much he loves his little sisters
I want to hear him tell me I'm beautiful.
I want to hear the voicemails on my phone he would leave that would always make me smile.



I want to warn him before he comes into my room to watch where he steps.
I want to complain to him about how uncomfortable pregnancy is.
I want to talk about the office and hear him trying to convince us that he "KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!"
I want him to ask me again why I dated Kris.
I want to tease him about how many girls he's kissed.
I want to hear him try to convince us that he wasn't a player.
I want to see his smile.
I want to hear his voice.
I want to hear him say my name.



I miss EVERYTHING about him.
I wish SOO badly that he was here.
I'm so glad we took pictures on our last night together...I just wish we had taken more.



I'll most likely regret this post tomorrow when I wake up and start going throughout my day again.
(and because I look TERRIBLE in these pictures. I had been crying all day and hadn't really gotten ready...and I was 8 months pregnant..)
But I'm posting it now...just to make myself feel better.

Sorry if it's a downer.
I'm really doing very well...I just am having a moment.

From now on, no more sad posts. Just happy!!
cause I am blessed and need to show that more!

Thank you

I just realized that I failed to mention this in my blog.

But thanks to ALL of you amazing people,

I won THIRD place in the Adoption Voices Contest.

Because I won 3rd, I received $25.

I seriously wanted to thank you guys because I was completely SHOCKED!

the final video didn't have any music...so I didn't think I would win.

but thanks to you I did!!

YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!

Happy Birthday...s!

So Yesterday was my moms birthday...and today was my little brother Dallins birthday.

(that is the chocolate cake from costco...yeah that kind that we have ALL wanted to buy at one point in our lives.)



He is now 13! wierd...

We had a blast celebrating!
It was just our family on my moms birthday
and my cousins and some of my his friends on Dallins birthday.



Settlers on my moms birthday.

My moms birthday was fun.
I don't think we have been together with just our immediate family for a birthday in a while.
I really enjoyed it and we all had a lot of fun together.


All the girls

All the boys.





also,
because today was the second,
Me, Terri, Josh and thier spouses went to Village Inn in memory of Keltson.
It was the last place we went together and October 2nd was the last day we saw him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM AND DALLIN!!