YOU KNOW IT

I Beat Dustin in Mario Kart on the Wii today.
and NO...he did not LET me win. Don't let him convince you that he did.

Another thing to check off my list! :)

The Rainbow after the Storm

For those of you that do not live in Utah, you may not know that it has been pouring rain pretty much this entire month.

We had a couple of nice days this week,

and then today

the rain came back.

I'm NOT a rain fan.

I LOVE the heat.

So it has been driving me crazy at how the summer weather is JUST NOT STAYING!!

But today when it rained,

I miraculously had a different outlook.

It may have had something to do with the fact that I had just had about an hour long talk with Jake's family about adoption.

We talked about the good, the bad, the pain and the blessings that come from adoption...then

Jake and I left his house to go to mine just after another storm had passed, and there was a beautiful rainbow coming out of the clouds.

(unfortunately I did not have my camera with me so these are not my pictures..I found them on google! ;) but this is what it looked like)

That rainbow got me thinking.

I began reflecting back on my experiences this past year. It was a tough road. There were times that I wasn't sure I would make it through another day.....

then I looked at my life today,

and discovered that I am experiencing the rainbow after the storm.

Adoption is not easy.

It's not easy for the Birthparents,

and it's not easy for the adoptive parents,

But it reaps SO many amazing rewards.

I am a different person today because of adoption.

I am grateful for the rain as it is the only thing that can bring rainbows.

Last year has helped me realize that if we are not faced with trials, we cannot appreciate the blessings in our life.

I experienced the pain and heartache in placing Avery so that I could appreciate not only the fact that I can create a child, but so I can appreciate my future children. I cannot WAIT for the day that I am a mom. I have wanted to be a mother my entire life, but I never really understood the blessings that come from it until I experienced adoption.

Through adoption I learned how to love so much it hurts

I learned how to listen to the Spirit.

I learned how to rely on the Lord for strength.

I learned to appreciate family

I learned how incredibly painful infertility can be.

Through experiencing the death of a loved one

I discovered what I want in a husband

I learned to savor every moment with every person in your life..you never know when it will be the last.

I learned that placing beautiful Avery isn't the worst thing that could happen...at least she is ALIVE and HEALTHY.

I am blessed.

And my life right now is truly the rainbow after the storm.

I am so grateful for this Gospel.
Without it,

I would be no where.

I am grateful for the trials I have experienced.

without them,

I wouldn't understand how incredibly blessed I am today.

and I am very blessed.

an award!! :):)

I just recieved this beautiful award from an AWESOME and AMAZING friend I met through blogging, Crystal. Check out her blog HERE. She's got three beautiful kids and I LOVE reading her stuff. She seriously inspires me.

Thank you Crystal!!

There are two thing I need to do upon receiving this award:

1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who granted the award and his or her blog link.
2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award

1. Kim
2. Stefanie
3. Rachelle
4. Becca
5. Michelle
6. Dustin and Andrea
7. Mrs. R
8. Mae
9. Lisa
10. BreeAnn
11. Jamie
12. Mandy
13. Megan
14. Ashley
15. Adam and Andrea

**sigh***

Here's a better picture of Jake.
Isn't he SO incredibely attractive??

We're going to the opening night of transformers tomorrow

and

I'll get more pictures then..

cause he has a goatee (sp?) now...I LOVE goatee's (SP!??)

This is an amazing guy.

I'm not even kidding.

He amazes me in every way

and so does his family.

Happy Fathers Day

I have realized that I need to get more pictures of my dad.

I have the best Dad in the world.

He is everything that a father should be.

My Dad is one of my Heros.

They say that girls marry men that are like their dads

and that is EXACTLY what I want.

I am so blessed and honored to have him as my father.

He has taught me so much and has set such a great example for all of us.

Happy Fathers Day Dad!!

I love you!!

Slacker

I know I've been a slacker on posts lately...SORRY.

I can't believe how fast this week has gone. It seems like I made that last post just yesterday.

Anyway,

The weather today was AMAZING!! I couldn't get enough of it.

I will post some pictures later.

ANY IDEAS ON SOMETHING I SHOULD POST ABOUT???

I'm stumped.

Jake and Avery

So I know some of you have been curious as to how my date went.

Well,

it went SO GREAT.

Jake is an amazing guy.

Unfortunately, this is the only picture I have of me and him...

Don't worry,

I will get more eventually. ;)

....and you'll be hearing more about him, so stay tuned!!!

I saw Avery yesterday and it was a great visit.

She is getting SO BIG!!

She's got almost two teeth and the poor baby girl is teething.

She's so beautiful.

I couldn't stop looking at her!!

I love her SOO much.

Seriously.

It was great to see her, Dustin and Andrea again.

We played the game transamerica, the same game we played in the hospital during labor.

The sad thing is,

Dustin cheated {again}, so I lost.

hehe. just kidding Dustin! (sorta..;)..)

FINALLY

So I have FINALLY finished one of the goals on my list!!

haha it's taking FOREVER to get one done..especially since I keep going back and forth between goals.

But I am very pleased to announce that I have succeeded with item...

#50 -- Contact someone I have lost touch with.

When I chose this as a goal I had a specific person in mind. Her name is Lacey.

We were best friends all through Junior High, but we stopped talking during the summer of our freshman and sophomore year due to a petty little fight.

Since graduation, especially this year, I have REALLY wanted to know what's been going on in her life. I haven't talked to her since that silly summer day and I have really wanted to know how she is doing! That sad thing was that no matter WHAT I did I had no idea how to contact her.

I did everything I could think of to try and find her..I even looked her up in the phonebook!!

After looking her up on facebook, and failing miserably I decided to make that a goal.

WELL,

I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED IT!!

Actually, I have to thank her for that.

It kind of just fell into my lap.

SHE found ME on facebook and I about FREAKED OUT when I realized who it was that had added me.

Anyway,

I have finally finished a goal..and I'm about a week away from finishing #13.

:):)

wanna know that craziest part?? She is married with a baby girl now!!

wow how fast life seems to go.

I haven't

felt like my life is going so incredibely amazingly perfect for a LONG time....

and I feel it now!!!

am I jinxing myself saying this???
haha KNOCK ON WOOD!!

C.O. Bigelow

I am ADDICTED to this stuff.

I LOVE it. Dustin and Andrea are the reason I'm addicted. It was one of the gifts in the huge basket they gave me on placement day and I have been hooked ever since.

I LOVE IT.

Who else loves this stuff?
mmm...

I bought TWO today.

Ridiclous?

yes.

Girls Night!

Cassidy, Me, BreeAnn, Emilee

(I look like a hunchback in this picture. hahaha)

Yesterday,

my sisters and I had a girls night out.

We went to Chilis. It was SOO good considering it was my first meal since I started this diet!!

(I can only have 800 calories a day...it's hard to go out to eat when that's the case!)

It was a lot of fun and after we ate we went shopping.

I haven't been shopping FOREVER!!

I have only gone once since I had Avery and I got two pairs of pants

(courtesy of Dustin and Andrea. They gave me a gift certificate to buckle for Christmas. LOVE THEM)

So needless to say I was lacking in the shirt department. It was awesome.

My sisters ROCK. They seriously found me two way cute shirts...I love them.

After that,

we went to my sister BreeAnn's house to watch a movie.

her husband is out of town, so she wanted to stay busy.

It was a super fun night.

***

if you didn't notice..I chose to dye my hair blonde!

What d'ya think?

more people voted blonde, and I kinda missed it.

***

I've lost 6 pounds on this diet so far.

YAY!

WOOHOO

I'm getting my hair done today

(it's been WAY to long since the last time i've had it done)

I died it brown in December, but I think I'm going to go back to blonde this time.

WHAT DO YOU THINK??

oh and thank you to all of you awesome blog readers that gave me dieting advice.

I lost two pounds after trying one of them, and then my dad introduced me to Icogenix.

I started that yesterday and have lost FOUR pounds since yesterday!

My life, My Passion.

I received a comment on my Adoption Story the other day that really upset me.
It upset me because I couldn't possibly understand how ANYONE could have such negative feelings towards something that seems so obviously AMAZING.

This person criticized and completely downplayed the two most incredibly important, amazing and passionate things in my life. She ripped on the two things I hold so dear and close to my heart....

Adoption
and
My religion.

I have my comments set to be moderated for any post older than three days.
I do that ONLY so that I can see that I received a comment on older posts.

HOWEVER,
this lady thought that meant that I have it set so that I can decide which comments to post.

I have NEVER rejected a comment....until now.
She asked me that I have the "courage" to post it.

It has nothing to to with my having courage, but everything to do with the fact that I am not in a million years going to support the things she was saying..especially when she is bashing two of the most incredibly important things I hold so close to my heart.

Now on to some of the things she said. I am making this post because I want to explain to those of you that cannot see what a miracle these things are, how amazing they are. I am responding to this comment simply because I need everyone to know why exactly I have such strong feelings towards these two things.

Hear me out.

Before I start I would like to thank this reader for reading my blog, and also for stating their opinion. It does help me to know how to further educate others that read my blog about the miracle of adoption. I helps me remind myself that some do not understand the true miracle it is.

I would also like to point out that this has been the second person that has accused me of lying about the way I feel about adoption. The second person in a DAY. The first one simply said that I (and other birth moms that I relate to) were only saying what Adoptive Parents wanted to hear and not how we really felt.

This comment that was left, told me that first off, she was not being personal towards me..which I have taken VERY personally due to the fact that she is bashing the things that are personal to me and Second, well, I will copy and past the exact words:

"I don't want to hurt your feelings or to burst your bubble. I think you need to keep telling yourself how great this was to save your sanity."

If I did not love adoption. If I did not completely and 100% support it, if I had had a horrible experience, WHY in the WORLD would I create a BLOG and do everything that I POSSIBLY could to share with the world how amazing it is? Why would I go around promoting it, if I didn't feel strongly that the decision I made what soo right? Why would I??

My religion has been such a great help and support to me through this incredibly difficult thing. I honestly and truly know that it is BECAUSE of my religion that I have been able to deal with it the way I have. I strongly believe that it is because of my religion that I am healing the way I am.

I know that there are many birth mothers out there that do not handle it well and have an incredibly difficult time with coping throughout there entire life. I want to tell you right now that yes, this experience has changed my life, but I am able to heal from it.

It's because of my religion.
The spirit has comforted me through my most difficult times.
Prayer has helped me.

I'm not in denial about the way I feel.
I honestly and truly can tell you with 1000% confidence, that I am doing GREAT.

here is another copy/paste from the comment:

"Then there is the very real problem of the illusion of open adoption. Andrea and Dustin and move away, change their phone number and shut you out at any time. They can join a religious cult, like my son's family did and raise her any way you like, no matter what they promise now or what you believe they will do. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but it certainly can and does happen."

I failed to mention beforehand that this lady is a middle-aged birth mom.
Let me say right now that I am sorry you regret your decision. Really I am. That must be hard.

I know with 1000% certainty that Dustin and Andrea are not going to shut me out of their life, or join a religious cult...
(unless the cult you are referring to is the LDS church..in that case they had already joined when I picked them. IN FACT, I was looking for someone that was a member of this 'cult', because as you know, I am also a member.)
If they WERE to move away or change their number, we wouldn't lose contact. I don't know how else to explain on this blog that Dustin, Andrea and I are VERY close. A lot closer than most realize.

But even if that was the case,
even if they were to move away, shut me out of their lives, and never speak to me again,
Although I would be hurt, I still wouldn't regret my decision.

I KNOW it was the right decison.

Now, Let's talk about my church.

Here is another Copy/Paste:

"My cousin, who is LDS, became pregnant out of wedlock. She was strongly guilt-tripped and coerced into relinquishment. What is interesting to me is that the church was willing to pay for all of her expenses while she was willing to relinquish, but withdrew all support when she decided, with the help of her parents, to parent her son. That was heinous. Her son is now grown, well educated (BYU grad), happy and doing fine. I read many adoption forums and blogs and find the LDS to be one of the least supportive of those women who want to parent outside of marriage."

Let me Clarify something.
The LDS church does NOT coerce or guilt trip you into doing anything.

If you are referring to her FAMILY guilt tripping or coercing her into relinquishment, that's not the church. That is her family.
The CHURCH did not withdraw support when she decided to parent. The only thing they would have done was stop paying for the insurance and doesn't that make sense? The Adoptive couple was technically paying the insurance. Why would they pay for it if they weren't getting a child in the end? Plus, every agency does this, whether they are through the LDS church or not.

The Church Supports adoption.
That doesn't mean they force you to place for adoption.
I was NOT coerced into doing anything.
I made the decision completely on my own.

I went to LDS family services the day after I told my parents I was pregnant and they did not try to force me to do one thing or the other. They were just simply there to talk about my options. They would have supported either decision, because when it all comes down to is, this was my child and my decision to make.
But they aren't going to pay for your insurance if you don't place..that doesn't make ANY sense.

The LDS church has a Proclamation called
The Family -- A proclamation to the world.

Let me show you what that is. It really is so great and means a lot to me.

"We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God's eternal plan.

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. "Children are an heritage of the Lord" (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society."

Here is a talk also given by the first presidency:

“We … express our support of unwed parents who place their children for adoption in stable homes with a mother and a father. We also express our support of the married mothers and fathers who adopt these children.

“Children are entitled to the blessing of being reared in a stable family environment where father and mother honor marital vows. Having a secure, nurturing, and consistent relationship with both a father and a mother is essential to a child’s well-being. When choosing adoption, unwed parents grant their children this most important blessing. Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents in this life and throughout the eternities. We commend all those who strengthen children and families by promoting adoption.”(this doesn't mean they are forcing us to, it simply means they support and recommend it.)

--First Presidency statement, Oct. 4, 2006

To finish I would just like to say,

I do not feel coerced. I did not surrender my child. I lovingly and very willingly placed her in the arms of another. I do not suffer from unspeakable loss. I never will, i did not 'lose' anything. I am still a mother. I am still in love with my child. I gained family with Andrea and Dustin through the miracle of adoption. while i may suffer heartbreak and other feelings of grief and loss it is because of the biology and i am grateful for these feelings because they mean that i do love her so very much. There is a hole in my heart because a piece of me will always be with Avery, i don't want that piece back. i am happy to have that hole, it is hers and hers alone. I am well aware of adoptees feeling abandonment, i feel that that is probably a very real and a natural reaction to being adopted. I hope that she will not feel abandonment, and if she does i hope she will be able to seek out the help she needs to understand.
I believe that because of the open adoption and the relationship that i have had with her parents (even if it is severed in the future) will provide explanations and answers and knowledge and comfort to her as she explores who she and where she came from that the adoptees from the closed system will never have. I know her parents will teach and help her understand why I placed her for adoption, which will help her understand.

We believe in forever families and that we will live out the eternities together. We believe this is possible by powerful ordinances ordained by God himself. One of these is the sealing covenant performed inside the sacred walls of the temple. The sealing covenant allows family members to be sealed to each other. but in order to be sealed, first the man and wife must be sealed to each other and then the children are sealed to them. The sealing bonds are a means of protection, blessings and spiritual 'security'. I could never be sealed to Avery as a single mother. and most likely i could not ever be sealed to her even if i later married and was sealed to my husband later down the road. There are details concerning these specifics that i don't want to go into. But chances are super slim it could ever happen. I want Avery to be blessed by the sealing covenant. By placing her with her parents she is able to be sealed to them and receive those blessings forever. I am sealed to my parents. I am forever blessed and protected by this. I believe that my child deserves no less, so out of love i have placed her in the arms of another for all the reasons i have previously discussed but most importantly for this reason and this reason alone. Her being sealed is a gift i could not give her in any other way than this act of ultimate love and sacrifice.

That being said, Please don't belittle my beliefs and my happiness in my adoption story and where i am at in my life's journey. they are my experiences and i am grateful for them. Please don't belittle my sanity. Please don't belittle my religion, my religious beliefs or my practices, because they are something that i cherish. I am happy and blessed and at peace. And for that i am forever grateful.