Infertility

Okay here's a post that I hope I can put into words.

 

I really really have been struggling with how to put these emotions into words and I'm going to do my best to get them out once and for all right here!

 

First things first,

I'm pregnant.

8.3 weeks to be exact.

We were trying this time and the excitement overwhelmed the both of us!

 

Smiles were glued to our faces for days!

We are so excited to welcome this next little one into our family!

 

However,

while all this excitement has been going on,

in the back of my mind there's been one thing.

Something that came completely to the surface today and it's to the point where my excitement and joy of being pregnant is being overcome with guilt and unworthiness.

 

I'm surrounded by many people in my life who struggle with infertility.

many INCREDIBLE people.

We announced our pregnancy on facebook on November 1st.

 

It's now the 3rd and I'm feeling really guilty about doing so. 

Not because anyone has said anything, because they haven't!

 

But because everytime I read a blog post from one of my incredible friends about their infertile struggles, or everytime I talk to a loved one who struggles with this, I feel like my telling them or even TALKING about my pregnancy only reminds them of these struggles. I don't want to be that person!

 

I think about how incredibely amazing this people are and I just keep wondering why??

It doesn't make sense why this happens.

 

I seriously could not thank the Lord enough for the tremendous blessing I've been given, but I feel guilty because there are MANY people out there much more deserving than me.

 

I feel almost like I'm flaunting it in everyones faces.

Like, whenever I say anything about my pregnancy on facebook or anywhere for that matter, that I'm showing off something that only hurts them more.

 

I don't want to be the reason for pain or heartache.

I don't want any of my friends to get on facebook and feel a stab of pain because of something I've posted. I don't want that!

 

I broke down tonight after reading a friends blog and I tried to run upstairs before Tyson could see me because I didn't want to admit out loud why I was really crying...but he caught me and forced it out of me. 

 

He proceeded to tell me that the Lord gives us our blessing and trials for a reason and that I shouldn't feel guilty because it's not my fault...

 

but I already know that! I know it's not my fault...but I still feel like I'm a constant reminder of what infertile couples don't have and refraining from talking about it to them or on facebook, would prevent any unneccesary kind of pain.

 

I'm just writing this point because I really need to get my feelings out.

I don't know what to do...

 

If anyone has suggestions for me, I would be MORE THAN GRATEFUL to hear them.

I need to know if there's anything that is said by someone who is pregnant that only causes pain to those dealing with infertility. I need to know if it would be better if I didn't post anything else about my pregnancy, cravings, etc on facebook.

 

I'm SO SO excited and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to bring another child into this world. I really don't know how to make that more clear, so I hope that whoever reads this, doesn't take it in thinking that I'm not realizing what I blessing this is, because I do!! I just don't want to hurt anyone in the process of enjoying and experiencing my blessing...

Fall

I know it's been a while since I've posted here, 

but I'm feeling the need to do it now. 

Every year towards the end of September,

I begin a process.

It's like the Grieving process all over again. 

Every. Year.

It takes about an hour for me to drive to work every week.

I work every Friday night and for the past two weeks,

just minutes into the drive,

I have ended up crying my eyes out. 

Let me explain.

October 11th 2008, 

Keltson died

October 28th 2008, 

Avery was born.

I have come to one conclusion. 

This year, my grief has been significantly different for both subjects.

You'd think that since it's been 4 years,

I'd have come to terms with the fact that Keltson is gone.

I mean,

I'm happily married and I have a beautiful family.

I'm SO incredibly in love with my Husband.

Seriously,

he was made for me.

He gets me and understands me more than anyone else in this world.

Even ME sometimes.

So please don't take it the wrong way when I talk about Keltson.

Keltson was my very best friend back in '08.

He was there for me during the time I needed a friend the most.

He made sure I had a friend during the most difficult time in my life. 

I can't even begin to express what an incredible person he was.

I know I know,

when someone dies, 

people tend to put them on a pedestal.

I know that I do that to a degree sometimes,

but every fall, 

I think about how I was able to spend he last few months of life with him.

and I'm not putting it on a pedestal. 

I just remember our conversations or our adventures at 2 am. 

I'm SO Grateful for him.

I needed him SO MUCH.
I was going through such a hard time in my life and I needed a friend JUST LIKE HIM.

I just hope it's normal that I'm having such a hard time accepting his death.

He was my best friend when he died. 

I'm sure I wasn't his, but he was mine.

He was my ONLY friend for a long time throughout my pregnancy with Avery.

He helped me through and I am so grateful to him for that. 

I just miss my friend. 

I really do. 

Tonight however,

I cried because of Avery.

It was different though.

Avery is where she is supposed to be and I have no doubt about that.

But feeling the crisp air on my face,

or the chill in the wind.

even the SMELL of fall,

brings back those memories of my days in the hospital with her.

I cry because I remember my heart breaking when I signed those papers.

When I left that hospital.

I remember the two months afterwards when every part of my motherly instincts were screaming and begging me to just go get her. 

But it always ends with me thinking

"At least I can say I still get to hug her, talk to her, hold her and play with her"

I love that.
I am SO glad we have an open adoption. 

I'm SO glad that I still get to see the little angel that made me who I am. 

She seriously opened my eyes to what's most important in life.

Even though she's not MINE,

she left her hand print right smack dab in the middle of my heart. 

Seriously. 

Avery is my little Angel and her hand print on my heart will never ever ever leave.

So as fall continues to bring back those feelings of my heart shattered on the floor,

with Avery, I don't think that will every leave.

To be honest, I don't really want it to.

That was such a spiritual time for me that when I think of it,

I remember what peace I felt through all of this.

as for Keltson...

well, I KNOW I'll never forget him.

ever.

But I do hope that one day I can accept the fact that he's gone.

MIA

I know I've been MIA lately,
and I'd like to blame that on the worlds most pathetic computer that ever existed.
Aka, a PC.

Currently however, I'm on my moms Mac and THIS computer is the bomb.
So since I have this opportunity, I would like to just write and make everyone (or the one person) who still reads this blog aware, that I have not abandoned it.

I still very much want to keep updating,
it's just been hard since our computer has been broken for what feels like an eternity...and I will only tolerate how completely annoying it is about once a month when I update my personal blog...which on that computer takes double the time it takes to update from a normal computer.

So I'm sorry.
I'm still absolutely in love with adoption.
I still strongly believe it's the most incredible option in the world.
and I still have a very open Adoption with Avery, Dustin and Andrea.

I am so glad I made the decision and whenever I even think about Avery,
I feel so much peace in my heart.

So I hope that others can still come to this blog and receive the comfort their searching for whether it's about placement or adopting.

on another note I just want to make a promise to Avery, in writing, that I will NEVER let her down. I want her to grow up being proud of the woman I've become and I want her to see that although I made the decision to have premarital sex, I was able to make it right. I brought her into this world. She didn't have a choice and I hope that she knows that I placed her for adoption because I KNEW it would give her an eternal family and give her the life that she still wouldn't have if I had chosen to parent her.

 I am married now, but it doesn't take away from the fact that she would not only have one father if I had chosen to parent, but she would have two. and she would have to be juggling between the both of them, using up her weekends to visit the one she wasn't living with. I love Avery SO much.

 I promise you Avery that I will show you how you can bring the atonement into your life and I promise you that I will only make you proud of who I am. I will not disappoint you. I love you!!