Fall

I know it's been a while since I've posted here, 

but I'm feeling the need to do it now. 

Every year towards the end of September,

I begin a process.

It's like the Grieving process all over again. 

Every. Year.

It takes about an hour for me to drive to work every week.

I work every Friday night and for the past two weeks,

just minutes into the drive,

I have ended up crying my eyes out. 

Let me explain.

October 11th 2008, 

Keltson died

October 28th 2008, 

Avery was born.

I have come to one conclusion. 

This year, my grief has been significantly different for both subjects.

You'd think that since it's been 4 years,

I'd have come to terms with the fact that Keltson is gone.

I mean,

I'm happily married and I have a beautiful family.

I'm SO incredibly in love with my Husband.

Seriously,

he was made for me.

He gets me and understands me more than anyone else in this world.

Even ME sometimes.

So please don't take it the wrong way when I talk about Keltson.

Keltson was my very best friend back in '08.

He was there for me during the time I needed a friend the most.

He made sure I had a friend during the most difficult time in my life. 

I can't even begin to express what an incredible person he was.

I know I know,

when someone dies, 

people tend to put them on a pedestal.

I know that I do that to a degree sometimes,

but every fall, 

I think about how I was able to spend he last few months of life with him.

and I'm not putting it on a pedestal. 

I just remember our conversations or our adventures at 2 am. 

I'm SO Grateful for him.

I needed him SO MUCH.
I was going through such a hard time in my life and I needed a friend JUST LIKE HIM.

I just hope it's normal that I'm having such a hard time accepting his death.

He was my best friend when he died. 

I'm sure I wasn't his, but he was mine.

He was my ONLY friend for a long time throughout my pregnancy with Avery.

He helped me through and I am so grateful to him for that. 

I just miss my friend. 

I really do. 

Tonight however,

I cried because of Avery.

It was different though.

Avery is where she is supposed to be and I have no doubt about that.

But feeling the crisp air on my face,

or the chill in the wind.

even the SMELL of fall,

brings back those memories of my days in the hospital with her.

I cry because I remember my heart breaking when I signed those papers.

When I left that hospital.

I remember the two months afterwards when every part of my motherly instincts were screaming and begging me to just go get her. 

But it always ends with me thinking

"At least I can say I still get to hug her, talk to her, hold her and play with her"

I love that.
I am SO glad we have an open adoption. 

I'm SO glad that I still get to see the little angel that made me who I am. 

She seriously opened my eyes to what's most important in life.

Even though she's not MINE,

she left her hand print right smack dab in the middle of my heart. 

Seriously. 

Avery is my little Angel and her hand print on my heart will never ever ever leave.

So as fall continues to bring back those feelings of my heart shattered on the floor,

with Avery, I don't think that will every leave.

To be honest, I don't really want it to.

That was such a spiritual time for me that when I think of it,

I remember what peace I felt through all of this.

as for Keltson...

well, I KNOW I'll never forget him.

ever.

But I do hope that one day I can accept the fact that he's gone.