Fall

I know it's been a while since I've posted here, 

but I'm feeling the need to do it now. 

Every year towards the end of September,

I begin a process.

It's like the Grieving process all over again. 

Every. Year.

It takes about an hour for me to drive to work every week.

I work every Friday night and for the past two weeks,

just minutes into the drive,

I have ended up crying my eyes out. 

Let me explain.

October 11th 2008, 

Keltson died

October 28th 2008, 

Avery was born.

I have come to one conclusion. 

This year, my grief has been significantly different for both subjects.

You'd think that since it's been 4 years,

I'd have come to terms with the fact that Keltson is gone.

I mean,

I'm happily married and I have a beautiful family.

I'm SO incredibly in love with my Husband.

Seriously,

he was made for me.

He gets me and understands me more than anyone else in this world.

Even ME sometimes.

So please don't take it the wrong way when I talk about Keltson.

Keltson was my very best friend back in '08.

He was there for me during the time I needed a friend the most.

He made sure I had a friend during the most difficult time in my life. 

I can't even begin to express what an incredible person he was.

I know I know,

when someone dies, 

people tend to put them on a pedestal.

I know that I do that to a degree sometimes,

but every fall, 

I think about how I was able to spend he last few months of life with him.

and I'm not putting it on a pedestal. 

I just remember our conversations or our adventures at 2 am. 

I'm SO Grateful for him.

I needed him SO MUCH.
I was going through such a hard time in my life and I needed a friend JUST LIKE HIM.

I just hope it's normal that I'm having such a hard time accepting his death.

He was my best friend when he died. 

I'm sure I wasn't his, but he was mine.

He was my ONLY friend for a long time throughout my pregnancy with Avery.

He helped me through and I am so grateful to him for that. 

I just miss my friend. 

I really do. 

Tonight however,

I cried because of Avery.

It was different though.

Avery is where she is supposed to be and I have no doubt about that.

But feeling the crisp air on my face,

or the chill in the wind.

even the SMELL of fall,

brings back those memories of my days in the hospital with her.

I cry because I remember my heart breaking when I signed those papers.

When I left that hospital.

I remember the two months afterwards when every part of my motherly instincts were screaming and begging me to just go get her. 

But it always ends with me thinking

"At least I can say I still get to hug her, talk to her, hold her and play with her"

I love that.
I am SO glad we have an open adoption. 

I'm SO glad that I still get to see the little angel that made me who I am. 

She seriously opened my eyes to what's most important in life.

Even though she's not MINE,

she left her hand print right smack dab in the middle of my heart. 

Seriously. 

Avery is my little Angel and her hand print on my heart will never ever ever leave.

So as fall continues to bring back those feelings of my heart shattered on the floor,

with Avery, I don't think that will every leave.

To be honest, I don't really want it to.

That was such a spiritual time for me that when I think of it,

I remember what peace I felt through all of this.

as for Keltson...

well, I KNOW I'll never forget him.

ever.

But I do hope that one day I can accept the fact that he's gone.

MIA

I know I've been MIA lately,
and I'd like to blame that on the worlds most pathetic computer that ever existed.
Aka, a PC.

Currently however, I'm on my moms Mac and THIS computer is the bomb.
So since I have this opportunity, I would like to just write and make everyone (or the one person) who still reads this blog aware, that I have not abandoned it.

I still very much want to keep updating,
it's just been hard since our computer has been broken for what feels like an eternity...and I will only tolerate how completely annoying it is about once a month when I update my personal blog...which on that computer takes double the time it takes to update from a normal computer.

So I'm sorry.
I'm still absolutely in love with adoption.
I still strongly believe it's the most incredible option in the world.
and I still have a very open Adoption with Avery, Dustin and Andrea.

I am so glad I made the decision and whenever I even think about Avery,
I feel so much peace in my heart.

So I hope that others can still come to this blog and receive the comfort their searching for whether it's about placement or adopting.

on another note I just want to make a promise to Avery, in writing, that I will NEVER let her down. I want her to grow up being proud of the woman I've become and I want her to see that although I made the decision to have premarital sex, I was able to make it right. I brought her into this world. She didn't have a choice and I hope that she knows that I placed her for adoption because I KNEW it would give her an eternal family and give her the life that she still wouldn't have if I had chosen to parent her.

 I am married now, but it doesn't take away from the fact that she would not only have one father if I had chosen to parent, but she would have two. and she would have to be juggling between the both of them, using up her weekends to visit the one she wasn't living with. I love Avery SO much.

 I promise you Avery that I will show you how you can bring the atonement into your life and I promise you that I will only make you proud of who I am. I will not disappoint you. I love you!!

I'm grateful for...#19

I have saved this one for last for a reason,

I'm grateful for Avery Leigh.

She is the reason that I am who I am today.

She is the reason I have grown the way I have.

She is the reason that I cherish Every moment of every day being a mom.

She is the reason that I look at motherhood with a whole new meaning.

Nobody else in this entire world could do to me what Avery has done.

I believe that her first mission on this earth, was to help me learn what it means to Sacrifice and what a blessing it is to be a mother.

I remember the day that I had with her in the hospital when it was just me and her.

I sat there holding her,

and she was staring up at me with what was most definitely,

a smile on her face.

I knew that she was aware of what I was doing and that she was grateful for it.

It was like she was speaking to me through her eyes.

I knew that I was doing the right thing for her.

I know her Spirit was speaking to me that day.

I just love her so much and I am so eternally grateful for her.

She changed my life forever,

and I am forever grateful for it.

I'm grateful for...#17

I'm so grateful for Eternal families.

Although Avery is a part of D&A's family here on this earth,

and I know that without a doubt;

I also know that we are all an Eternal Family.

I know that we will all eventually be a family,

because she was sealed to D&A in the Temple.

If I hadn't placed her for adoption,
she wouldn't have been sealed to me because her birthfather and I,

wouldn't have been sealed in the temple.

Adoption makes it so she is still able to be sealed to her parents.

I just love this Gospel. 

If this post is confusing beyond belief, try reading THIS.

I go into more detail and explanation there :)

I'm grateful for...#16

Although Adoption has helped me come to understand many things,

I think one of the most apparant and incredible things it has taught me,

is what a blessing it is to be a mother.

My whole life I have always wanted to be a mother,

but it wasn't until I was faced with the decision to place Avery for adoption,

that I really came to understand what an honor it really is.

Being a mother is the greatest gift God has given me.

I thank Him every single day for this wonderful blessing.

I thank Him for allowing me to go through this Adoption experience because it really has opened my eyes to what an incredible blessing it is.

Thinking of this brings tears to my eyes.

I'm grateful for...#15

I'm grateful for all around, Adoption blogs.

I know I've mentioned two in this list,

but it wouldn't be right to not mention all of the adoption blogs out there.

Every single one of them have an impact in one way or another.

I'm grateful and blessed to say that I get to be a part of all of this.

It's an incredible thing. It really is and I am certain that reading some of these adoption blogs,

have helped me heal in ways that I can't even explain.

I'm grateful for...#14

I'm grateful for Adoption Advocates.

If you're friends with me on facebook,

you may have seen recently that I posted about the wife of a birth father,

who was being attacked by a birth mother/Adoptive mother.

She was telling her that because she wasn't a part of the adoption triad,

she should not be blogging about adoption.

That is absurd to say the least.

I was fuming angry at this nasty commenter.

How could she say that to someone that is only supporting her husband and adoption!?

I said some harsh words (which maybe I shouldn't have...but boy did she hit a nerve).

I just have to say that I'm SO grateful for those that haven't been affected by adoption first hand,

yet they still support it just as if they were.

Because they want to share how much they have been blessed by it through other people.

I'm grateful for...#13

I'm grateful for Other birthmothers.

Knowing that there's other women out there that can relate to everything is a HUGE blessing.

They have helped me get through some times that I wasn't quite sure how I was going to do it.

They've helped me know that I definitely was not alone and that there are other who have gone through it just like me.

I love that I have been able to interact with them,

one of which, has become an incredible friend.

<3 

I'm grateful for...#12

I'm grateful for FSA conference.

The first time I attended FSA, I was pregnant with Avery.

Dustin and Andrea made me aware of it and brought me with them.

I've been in love ever since.

The FSA Conference, to me is like an EFY for Adoption.

I love the way I feel about it.

I love the way Adoption makes me feel and the Spirit is always so apparant through the entire thing.

I'm grateful for...#11

I'm so grateful for a Supportive Husband and Family.

Tyson has been supportive towards me since day one.

Since the moment he discovered I was pregnant, not only was he so forgiving,

but he made me feel like I was still important and that this did not define who I was.

He wrote me all through his mission and still helped me feel like I was wanted.

He was so forgiving I just can't believe how incredible he was and has been.

He continues to support me through everything and even comes with me to the adoption presentations (when he's not working) and shares his thoughts and feelings.

I just love him!

My family as well.

If it hadn't been for them,

I can honestly say I would have died.

I was so depressed numerous amounts of times and I could always count on my mom, dad or sisters to cheer me up. My mom was especially supportive and helped me through the entire pregnancy/labor.

I'm so grateful for each and every one of them.

I'm grateful for...#10

I'm grateful for Mrs. R.

I learned about her Through Andrea right towards the end of the pregnancy.

She has done so many things for the adoption world.

She has organized events, done everything she can to help birth parents and is an all around incredible woman. She helped me get through some tough times too and her blog has done so much good.

I'm grateful for...#9

I'm not only grateful, but it was just an all around great feeling,

to know that I was placing Avery with a family that was financially stable.

They are so so great at saving their money and have always seemed like they can afford the things they need.

It was comforting to know that,

because at that time of my life, I was ANYTHING but financially stable!

haha My parents might have been,

but I wasn't even close to financially ready to raise a child.

I'm grateful for...#8

I'm grateful for Supportive Blog readers.

It felt SO GOOD to receive comment after comment from people that gave me support.

Most of them I didn't even KNOW and it was soo helpful to hear the kind words.

Not only did it help confirm to me that I did the right thing,

But it helped my self esteem too.

So,

Thanks to all of you that have been so supportive.

I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am for that!

p.s. I received a question on the post I did about music.

Besides Michael Mclean, Cheri Call (I think that's her name) sings a song called "Delivery" aboud Adoption which is SO good.

There's also a song by a man named Mark Shultz who sings a song called "everything to me"

Other than that, the song "One more Day" By diamond rio really hit home for me.

I loved all those songs. They really helped :)

I'm grateful for...#7

I'm grateful for pictures.

Not only is it so good to be able to see pictures of Avery,

but it's fun to show others that I'm close to.

Especially the ones that want to know how she is doing,

but haven't ever seen her...or only saw her in the hospital when she was born.

It's so great to have pictures where I can show others beautiful Avery.

Including those I give Adoption Presentations to.

I'm grateful for...#6

I'm grateful for Music about Adoption.

There is something about words and music together that is so comforting.

Music was something that helped me during and especially after placing Avery for Adoption.

I would listen to it all the time and even cry with it sometimes.

It was therapeutic.

It also helped me realize that someone else in this world had experienced what I'd experienced.

It helped me to know that I wasn't alone.

It also helped me express how I was feeling.

I'm grateful for...#5

I'm grateful for the Foster to Adopt program.

Without it,

I wouldn't have my cute little brothers in my life. They are so sweet and bring such a joy to everyone in the family.

I also wouldn't be married to Tyson.

It's because of Foster to adopt, that I met him.

He is the Love of my life and I am so grateful that I'm married to him.  

I'm grateful for...#4

I'm grateful for good Communication.

Without it,

Open Adoptions would be a mess.

I strongly believe that Communication is #1 in having a successful Open Adoption.

I'm so grateful that Dustin, Andrea and I have learned how to communicate,

and that if there is any miscommunication,

we're able to talk about it and get it resolved so so quickly.

<3

I'm grateful for...#3

I'm grateful for LDSFS.

The way they treat Birthmothers is so awesome.

They give us free counseling for life and not once have I ever felt like I was bugging them.

They treat Birthmothers like Gold.

It's been 3 years and I still feel like they would be there in a split second if I needed it.

I'm grateful for...#2

I'm grateful for Dustin and Andrea.

They have made the entire adoption experience so much easier than I could have ever dreamed.

Both of them always know exactly what to say when I come to them about something.

Whether it's adoption related or not,

they are incredible at getting through to me about anything.

I feel so blessed to have them in my lives.

Adoption brought them to me and I'm so grateful for it.

I have received lifelong friends through this experience.

Andrea and I have this relationship that I don't think anyone else in this entire world has.

It's brought me so much peace.

Our relationship goes so much further than just adoption and I know that not everyone can say that.

I don't know what I did to deserve the honor of knowing them,

but I'm so grateful for it.

I'm grateful for...#1

I'm so grateful for Open Adoption.

Without it,

I don't know where I'd be in my life.

Especially Emotionally.

I know without a doubt that if Open Adoption had not been available for me,

I would not have healed as well as I have.

I am 100% certain that Open Adoption is one of the biggest reasons I have been able to  move on with my life.

I'm so grateful for it and I am constantly thanking my Heavenly Father for this opportunity.