FSA Conference

We Attended the Families Support Adoption Conference this weekend.

It was fun!

We spent most of the time with Andrea and it's always fun to catch up with her.

Another awesome suprise was running in to Tysons case worker from when he was in Foster Care!

We had a really good long talk.

My husband is so amazing.

I'm always so in Awe at how incredible he has turned out after living the life he's lived.

I'm so lucky :)

Unfortunately,

I'm so so bad at this lately,

and I didn't take any pictures.

I took a total of ONE and it was this:

An adoptive mother gave me this Binky, because she thought Kali was the little one I placed for adoption.

But you know,

Technically,

I AM her birthmom!

hahaha.

It was a really good experience.

I always love those conferences.

and I love Andrea.

I always feel so lucky after talking to her.

I don't think there is anyone else out there that I would connect with as well as I do with Andrea.

I seriously can talk to her about anything. 

Kalista's Blessing Day

Kali's Blessing was Sunday,and Dustin Andrea and Avery came.

They saw our new place for the first time.

It was so nice seeing them.

Avery is getting SOO big!

She loves Kali and is the funniest little girl ever!

She has the cutest personality.

It's so crazy how big Avery is getting.

I swear she was just born yesterday!

I love that girl.

Two little Angels.

compromise

I know a lot of people have been asking me to put pictures of our baby on this blog.

Well,

my husband has a say in it too and has been pretty against it.

I've agreed with him when hearing his arguement...

but have felt kinda guilty about it.

SO,

we came to a compromise.

ONE picture,

and

The videos of her and Avery when she came to visit in the hospital :)

Surprise

We have a suprise over on our private blog.

Check it out!

20 weeks

HALF WAY!!

Yeah,

that's crazy.

I feel like it's taken forever,

but at the same time...

thinking that I only have that same amount of time to go...

seems like it's come really fast!!

We are all ready to meet our little girl,

but then again...we are SOOOO not ready!!

haha

We still need to get into our house,

set up the nursery,

and finish buying all of the stuff we need for her!

Good thing we still have 20 weeks right??

Slowly but surely things are moving along with this house.

Once we get in,

I feel like we are going to have to hit the ground running to prepare for her.

I gotta say,

I don't think I stress more in my life than I do when I'm pregnant.

Maybe it's just the hormones...

but seriously.

I feel like everything is like...WAY worse than it is.

I'm hoping that is normal!

My Aunt MJ told me that fish oil pills or whatever those are...

are supposed to help calm you down a little.

I'm going out with her on Monday and she's going to bring me some.

I'm hoping those work!

I seriously feel so stressed out ALL OF THE TIME!!

It's starting to really make me forget about everything that is working out RIGHT...

because I'm focusing so much on all of the negative.

I hate it.

But at least I'm recognizing it right?

....I think?

haha

Things are going really well for us actually...it's just a lot at once!

The one thing I am more passionate about than Adoption...

The incredible Stefanie made a post yesterday.

I gotta say it hit home for me more than ANY other post I've ever read.

If you want me to lose complete respect for you in less than 10 seconds,

just say these four word to me:

"I've had an Abortion"

I in no way see my losing respect for you as judgemental.

WHY?

Because if you have had an abortion,

it seems quite obvious that I care more about that Child you've killed more than you.

Which is quite sad.

I can't imagine someone loving my child more than me.

Abortion is the one thing that I can honestly say I am more passionate about than Adoption.

Adoption is the BEST option!

I love it SOO MUCH!

But I would never ever say that someone was wrong,

or being selfish if they chose to single parent.

That is there decision and that is them doing what they think is best.

and it very well could be.

But Abortion??

There is NOTHING anyone can say that will make me think that is a good option to choose.

It is NOT best for that child they are carrying.

That Child isn't even being born!

Instead they are bruttally murduring it.

yeah,

I gotta say,

I don't know anyone that wants to be murdered.

Do you?

has anyone walked up to you and said

"I wish someone would murder me today."

Or better yet,

has anyone ever said

"I wish my mom had just had an abortion when she was pregnant with me."

yeah,

didn't think so.

Before I go on,

I would like to admit that my writing skills have hit the toilet.

I don't know why but I can't seem to write what's on my mind as well as I used to...

I'll call it pregnancy related. ha.

Because of this,

I've decided that I'm just going to show this video.

I am SO passionate about this that the best way for me to state my feeling is by showing this chilling video.

I watched it when I was pregnant with Avery.

I cried all day after watching it.

I couldn't believe that someone would do this to a child.

I am pregnant again.

I gotta tell you now that I can't watch it.

I have a child inside of me right now.

She is moving as we speak.

She is playing around in my belly and getting bigger every day.

It kills me to even entertain the thought that this happens to other baby's like her.

I am getting emotional just typing it.

It kills me to think that when I was pregnant with Avery,

people chose this option over Adoption.

I can't imagine EVER doing this to Avery,

to my CHILD.

To something that is COMPLETELY depending on me...

and this is how you show them that you care?

The video is long, but it's facts. WATCH IT if you don't believe abortion is murder.

After watching this,

you tell me if it's still just TISSUE that you're getting rid of.

19 Week Ultrasound

I'm 19 weeks.

(almost half way!!)

We had our 19 week Ultrasound on Thursday and things look great!

Kali hates Ultrasounds.

She's turned her back towards us in both of them, little stink!

Nonetheless,

the Ultrasound tech got what she needed and Kali is completely healthy.

and yes it's still a girl!

haha

With my dang belly getting so freaking big,

you'd think that Tyson would have been able to not only feel her kick,

but SEE her as well.

But,

my uterus just likes to grow!

However,

Kali is growing and I'm feeling her more and more.

and YESTERDAY,

Tyson finally felt her kick!

We were waiting to be seated at Chilis,

and were sitting in the front,

and all of the sudden she started moving around a whole bunch.

So I put Tysons hand on my Belly

and he finally felt her!

I was so glad.

:):)

Then,

that night,

I was taking a bath and she started kicking a whole bunch again.

and I actually saw my belly move.

I was so excited.

But it only moved the skin once so Tyson hasn't seen THAT yet.

I felt her move more than I ever had before yesterday

and today I've been feeling her a lot more...

which means she's growing...

which means it's getting closer.

In other news,

I got my hair done on Thursday too.

I changed it a lot...

more than I have in years!

It's closer to my natural color.

I little darker,

but this way I decided that if I'm unable to go get it done again,

(because we are trying to get a house...which we'll know for SURE if we are approved in less than 60 days)

Then it won't be obvious or look bad when my roots come in.

I've had a hard time getting used to it,

but most every else seems to like it...

especially Tyson. and he's really the only person I care about liking it!

19 weeks.

It's a...

15 weeks.

I really don't look forward to what I'm going to look like at 40 weeks!!

SOO,

We found out what we are having today!

According to the poll on this blog,

the # of votes for a boy won with flying colors!

72% voted BOY!

and

27% voted GIRL!

I myself predicted boy as well.

We got to Fetal Foto's a 6:30

and when they brought us into the room,

I felt like I was going to throw up.

I was SO nervous and SO excited all at once.

Tyson and I had gone out to get Mexican food right before.

I hoped that eating spicy food would make sure the baby wasn't shy enough to hide their Gender!

haha.

Not sure if that was the reason or not,

but once she put the Ultrasound recorder on my Belly,

the first thing the baby showed us was its cute little booty.

Something about seeing our baby for the first time,

on the screen,

caused me to want to cry of amazement.

The Ultrasound tech moved the camera around just a bit and there it was.

The result of our babys Gender.

We are having a.....

GIRL!!!!!!

When this result was made known to me,

I immediately started bawling.

I couldn't BELIEVE IT!

I still am having a hard time coming to terms with it.

We are having a girl!!

I was SO convinced that it was a boy.

She was up on that screen posing for a few minutes,

but kept turning her body so we could only see the back of her.

She started getting a little shy :)

We already had her name picked out.

Our little girl is going to be

Kalista Jean.

We'll call her Kali for short.

So,

 Kali Jean

I can't even begin to express my excitement.

Tyson can't stop smiling and we are just the happiest people on the planet right now.

After seeing our sweet baby,

we are actually realizing that we are

HAVING A BABY!!

I'm already so in love with her and can't wait to cuddle her!

When the time is right...

I have a really good friend.

We met through blogging.

I feel like we've become pretty good friends

especially since we both got married about a month apart.

I'm sure most of you know her or at least her blog.

I've mentioned it before.

Stefanie.

Yesterday she made a post that really affected me.

Please read it before continuing to read this.

I can honestly say I never experienced this desire so strongly.

Granted,

after Avery was born,

I couldn't wait for the day that I could get married and have Children.

But I think after I got my job at the hospital,

that feeling was greatly 'watered down'.

It was still there, just not as strongly.

I think mostly because when I felt like I wanted a baby,

I would just go cuddle one of the babies in the nursery and get my fix for the day.

(I hope that doesn't sound wrong or offensive. I don't know how to explain it any other way. I pretty much just needed to at least cuddle a tiny body in my arms, feed them or change their diaper. After that the intense urge/pain simmered) 

This wasn't because I remembered how hard it would be, but because I was able to do just a small amount of what a mother does. Which is what I so badly wanted/want to be.

So,

I did feel this pain to a degree, but I never experienced being married and wanting a baby SO BADLY, but knowing it wasn't the right time.

I haven't told very many people what I'm about to say.

I have told very very few,

but after Stefanie's post, I've decided that I want to share it.

This is why I KNOW that even though it has happened very quickly,

I know that this baby is supposed to come right now.

I KNOW that this pregnancy was no "accident".

A couple of weeks after getting married,

Tyson and I went to the temple.

We went because we wanted to specifically pray about a concern of ours.

We weren't sure what to do as far as housing and most importantly,

his job. I'll leave it at that. It was just something we were stressing about immensely.

While sitting in Celestial room,

we both started praying, pondering and asking about this issue we had.

About five minutes later,

I just couldn't figure out why, no matter what,

I could only think about one thing.

Starting a family.

I thought that maybe, it was just because it's me

(and everyone knows how I feel about wanting to be a mother.)

SO,

I leaned over to Tyson and whispered

"What do you think?"

After sitting there for a few seconds,

her turned to me and whispered

"I don't think we should wait until we're 'ready' to have kids."

keep in mind,

that this was the FARTHEST thing from our minds when we entered the Temple.

I was suprised by his answer because it was EXACTLY what was going through my mind.

On the drive home,

our conversation consisted of one thing

Starting a family.

My concern kept turning to what other people would think.

Yes, I know. That shouldn't matter.

But I worried that we would be seen as irresponsible,

or that people would think I talked Tyson into it because I wanted to "replace" Avery.

It sounds ridiculous,

but sure enough, some have already said this to me.

When I would say this to Tyson, he would say what is so obvious

"who cares?"

He was right.

It's our decision. WE are the only two people that can receive an answer for our family.

When we were almost home,

we decided that yes,

we shouldn't stress so much about birth control or anything.

Two weeks later,

I found out I was pregnant.

I STRONGLY believe that the Lord was preparing us for this moment.

He was telling us that our family needed to start.

This child needs to come now.

I know that because of that experience in the Temple,

I was prepared to see the positive pregnancy test.

That experience helped me to know that we will be able to provide for this baby now.

It helped calm my nerves.

That doesn't mean that I never stress, it just means that I know the Lord will provide a way for us to have what we need to raise this baby.

So,

Stefanie,

although I know that you're aching so immensely to have a baby,

just know that the Lord will tell you when the time is right.

and when the time finally IS,

you will be so happy you waited until you were an eternal family.

I just know it.

and I cannot wait for that day to come for you.

14 Weeks

I'm hoping it's just my computer because it has a wide screen...but I AM aware that my belly looks way to big for only being 14 weeks.

or maybe it's the shirt.

I'll keep making excuses to feel better.

haha

I had my Dr Appointment today.

I gained 1 pound!!

(haha yeah I was suprised it was only that much as well)

My feeling that this baby is incredibly active

was most likely presumed correct.

When the Dr was getting ready to listen to the heartbeat,

I told him that I've already been feeling the baby kick.

Just little flutters every now and then.

The Dr seemed suprised,

and I could tell he was thinking "that's just gas"

(ha)

But after setting the doppler on my belly,

the baby started kicking the thing like crazy.

I think he believed me after that.

Since I work there,

I listen to the heartbeat when I'm working.

and the last few times I've tried to hear it,

the baby would kick the doppler and move.

So I wouldn't be able to listen to it for very long cause the baby would move out of the way.

I've decided,

whatever the gender

(even though I'm pretty set on what I think it's going ot be)

This baby is going to have Tysons characteristics as far as energy goes.

If any of you know him,

you'd know exactly what I'm talking about!!

Anyway,

Things are going well.

I love seeing Tysons face when he hears the heartbeat.

8 more days until we find out...

BLUE OR PINK!?!

Baby Update

I received a question on Formspring asking me why I don't update about my pregnancy on my blog.

I wasn't going to for several reasons,

but after a lot of thought,

I've decided that this is my blog.

It's like my journal.

I know I will want to tell my baby about the experience.

So I'm going to start doing so.

and I have a bit to catch up on!!

I know it's still November,

but as of now, I don't have any other "Hoping to Adopt" requests so I figured I should probably start keeping this pregnancy up to date! :)

Since a couple of days before finding out I was pregnant,

I've been sick.

It's gotten worse as time goes on which is completely normal.

I'm told that being REALLY sick like this, means the baby is healthy!

So that's helping me a bit. 

It wasn't like this with Avery.

Granted I was sick, but nothing like this.

I have been so sick, that I've lost weight.

I lost 5 pounds at my 10 week appointment.

The Dr. Said that if I lose anymore, he's going to put me on an IV.

I would really prefer to NOT be on an IV, so I've been desperately trying to gain weight

(first time in my life I've had to do that! ha)

Not sure if it's working.

I throw up a lot.

I threw up blood a couple of days ago

because my Esophagus is SOOO raw.

I just started taking medicine for that so I'm hoping that gets better.

We find out on December 10th what the baby is!

As you may or may not have noticed,

There is a poll on the right side of my blog.

VOTE!
I want to see what the results are.

The poll ends the day we find out.

We're so excited!!

I'm now 13 weeks and counting.

I've already starting feeling the baby kick.

Just little flutters every once in a while.

I can't WAIT until it's hard enough to nudge the skin!!

I can't wait until Tyson can feel it!

My next Dr appointment is December 2nd,

so pray that I have at least not LOST more weight!! 

2??

Little Avery Leigh is 2 years old today.

(this is probably one of my most scatterbrained posts yet...bear with me. It's exactly how I feel today!)

I've been thinking about what to do for a post all day long,

but couldn't think of anything.

It's hard to explain how I feel about it this year!

Avery two years ago..

Avery Now...

wow.

I had work today.

Since I work at the hospital she was born in,

all I could think about was the events leading to her birth.

It doesn't seem like all of that was two years ago.  at all.

This year is also a lot different than last year.

Last year was a lot more difficult.

It was hard for many reasons. I cried of not only remembering her birth,

but also of saddness.  I missed her. It was hard.

But this year,

the emotions are different.

I've never once even been sad because I miss her, or because I'm not her mother,

I've only shed tears when thinking about her birth.

It was such an incredibely spiritual time for me.

The Spirit comes back so strongly whenever I think about it.

and this year,

I'm pregnant again.

Tyson and I are Celebrating with her and her family tonight.

words don't describe how grateful I am to Dustin and Andrea for allowing me this.

It's been such an incredible blessing to watch her grow up,

and I don't think I would feel as peaceful and confident about all of this if it wasn't for them allowing me this open adoption. I love them!

I decided that for her 2nd birthday post,

I'm going to post this when she is EXACTLY two years old.

By the minute.

She was born at 5:17.

1717 in military time.

(WHICH,

by the way,

the numbers 7 and 17 have been my lucky numbers since I was 13 years old.

Avery was born at 1717 and our hospital bands,

which had to have matching numbers,

were 7777. :))

Avery is a miracle.

She saved my life.

She's a blessing to so many.

I love her so much.

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY SWEET ANGEL!!

I love you!!

October.

This time of month brings back so many memories and emotions.

Everytime I go outside,

I am reminded of two years ago...

When Avery was almost born.

I am overcome with such a peaceful, quiet, sacred feeling everytime I feel the cool air hit my face.

I want to cry when I smell the crisp fall weather settling in.

The way I felt at this time two years ago,

is unexplainable. 

I will not ever be able to find the right words for it.

The Spirit was with me so strongly.

The things that happened during the month of October two years ago were the most sacred, spiritual, hardest things in my life.

It proved to me how strong I can be when I have to be.

It proved to me how much the Lord loves me.

It proved to me that with the Lords help, I can honestly do anything.

When the weather starts to change from summer to fall,

I feel it almost immediately.

The peaceful feeling I had with me during October of 2008,

 is brought back whenever I walk outside and I just want to sit outside, close my eyes and remember it all. 

Last year,

this feeling was hard for me.

Even though it was a peaceful feeling,

all I could think about was what a difficult time it was.

My heart still ached tremendously.

Now,

it's a different feeling.

I want to, and sometimes do, cry when I feel the cool fall air on my face, 

but it's not of pain.

It's of peace.

It's of amazement.

It's of LOVE.

COMPLETE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

This year,

I am pregnant again.

BUT,

Instead of the end of my pregnancy this month,

I'm at the beginning,

and

Instead of carrying someone else's child,

I am carrying MINE.

MY CHILD.

Although I believe that hormones have a lot to do with crying so easily this month,

I don't think it's JUST hormones.

This month will always be the most life changing month of my life.

October is always a month I look at with such peace.

My best friend passed away this month,

and I placed the one person I loved more than anything,

with another family.

It's something I will always always remember this way.

whenever the weather changes to fall,

I don't think I will ever look at again as I did before 2008.

Sick Night

Last night at about one in the morning,

I woke myself up because I was crying in my sleep.

As I sat up to recognize my surroundings,

a wave of nausea came over me and I quickly laid back down.

Tyson was up, sitting next to me in a split second.

He asked me if I was okay.

I could hardly speak because I knew that if I did, I would throw up.

After taking a couple of minutes to breath,

I told him that I was feeling really sick.

"What can I get you?"

He asked me in the sweetest voice ever.

I just looked at him again, trying to catch my breath again...

and explained that I had heartburn.

He was up in a second

and came back almost immediately with Ginger ale and tums.

After taking a few sips of the ginger ale and popping a couple tums in my mouth,

the nausea began to subside.

While I laid down trying to fall back asleep, trying to ignore the want to puke,

Tyson laid down besided me,

and tickled my back until I fell asleep.

This wasn't the first time I've been sick.

I was sick before I even found out I was pregnant.

But it was probably the worst it's been.

I'm not complaining.

In fact,

I'm SO GRATEFUL.

Being sick is proving to me that I'm pregnant.

if I wasn't sick,

I think I'd be worried.

I'm SO GRATEFUL for this experience

and

I'm SO GRATEFUL for my husband.

I have an incredible husband.

Someone that is there for me when I need him.

When I was carrying Avery,

I didn't have someone to tickle my back as I tried to fall asleep after waking up sick.

I didn't have someone there for me to grab me tums, or something to help my nausea.

I did have Dustin and Andrea.

They were there for me as much as they could be,

and were SOO AMAZING with helping me with anything they could during the pregnancy.

but having a husband,

that can be there when I need something in the middle of the night,

That can help me when I'm sick,

that's how it should be.

I'm so so grateful for him.

I'm so grateful for this child.

I'm so grateful to the Lord for giving me them both.

I'm so grateful for Adoption.

For it tought me to be grateful.

I know for a fact that if I didn't experience Adoption,

I wouldn't appreciate these experiences,

the small things,

and being sick...

Like I should.

I blame Nuva Ring!! :)

This post is officially life changing.

This post may also be a little TMI for some,

but I have to include it all so that it's understandable.

So,

let's go back to about June of this year.

I had been to my Doctor appointment and we had decided on the Nuva Ring for birth control,

and

I started it just a couple of weeks later.

At the beginning of August,

I took it out for my period,

and

a week later,

I replaced it with another one.

That week I began spotting.

That spotting turned in to bleeding.

That bleeding turned into..bleeding harder than even a normal period.

So,

I began freaking out and called the Doctor on Call.

He told me to take out the nuva ring and he would call in something to stop the bleeding.

Well,

I went to take out the Nuva ring...and it wasn't there.

SO,

I called the Doctor back and he told me to make an appointment with my doctor as soon as I could.

When I went to the Doctor,

he told me that it probably fell out with the bleeding.

HOW WOULD I NOT NOTICE THAT!?!?

Anyway,

at this point,

it's a week before the wedding...

I discussed my options with the Doctor and he said that because it was so close, nothing would be very effective.

SO,

we decided that we would just use Condoms until I started my period again.

THEN,

I would try the Nuva Ring again.

SO,

for the first month of our marriage,

we were going to use Condoms.

YEAH RIGHT!!

a whole month?

who were we kidding?

haha.

So,

we pretty much decided to risk it for a month.

Well,

Yesterday morning,

before I went to work,

I took a pregnancy test.

Here was the result:

My reaction was not how I expected it to be.

I started smiling and I couldn't stop!

(I was expecting more of a HOLY CRAP THAT WAS FAST reaction ;))

It was 5:30 in the morning,

but I didn't care.

I ran in to Tyson and and woke him up and made him see it for himself.

After that,

I couldn't stay with him.

I had to go to work!!

The whole day at work was crazy!

I couldn't concentrate and all I could think of was how we were going to tell our parents!

After much help from my co-workers,

we decided to give them a bouquet of flowers, with a card with baby footprints on them,

saying congratulations Grandma and Grandpa!

and then the pregnancy test.

It worked out pretty well!!

We recorded it,

but for some reason, my computer won't accept the memory card it's on.

Hopefully I'll figure it out eventually.

So,

The point of the story,

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!!

Can you believe it??

We hardly can!!

According to the 'due date finder' or whatever it's called,

(I got it as a gift when I was pregnant with Avery,)

We are due May 30th!

I honestly don't think it's hit me yet.

We found out we were pregnant on our one month anniversary....!!!

Busy Week!!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.

I can't BELIEVE how busy I have been.

I started my Job at the hospital THE DAY AFTER my birthmom had her baby.

My first day working the FLOOR however,

was Avery's birthday.

It was SO wierd to go back into the room where I got to spend time with her as her mom exactly a year ago that day.

I almost started crying when I walked in...it brought back so many precious memories.

Right after work,

I went to Dustins parents house to celebrate Avery's birthday.

It was a BLAST.

I love all of them.

I loved watching how much they love Avery and I loved watching how spoiled she is!!

I took lots of pictures including a video that had her saying "doggy" for the first time.

(I gave her a build a bear dog for her present and she said Doggy after opening it.  It was the cutest thing I've ever seen.)

Unfortunately,

When I was loading them to my computer I accidentally DELETED all of them!!!

So these next two pictures from Andrea's blog...Thanks ANDREA! hehe

I can't help showing these...

She was a ladybug for Halloween and was in her costume:

I love this little girl so much!

Here is a picture of the bear I got her for her birthday...I LOVED it so I just have to share:

(If you push one arm, it says "I love you Avery Leigh" and if you push the other arm it barks)

The next day Andrea sent me this picture through text:

I love this little girl!!

Anyway,

My birth goes home Thursday.

Not sure how I'll handle it.

She is the sweetest girl I think I've ever met and she has a little boy and he is ADORABLE.

I'm also giving a presentation with Andrea tomorrow at Alta high,

then working a grave shift until 8, then I have a meeting at 10 and school at 3:30.

Haha I'm a little worried about how I'll handle that...wish me luck!

I'm super tired, so sorry if this post doesn't make sense...and is really random!

I am now off to bed!! Goodnight! :)

ONE YEARS OLD.

Dear Beautiful Avery,
One year ago today,
I saw you for the first time...



You had ten tiny fingers...



Ten Tiny toes...



and big beautiful eyes.



I couldn't take my eyes off of you.



You hardly cried...



Or even slept.

and when you would look at me,
It was as if you knew what was going on.
You seemed so completely content and happy.



I didn't know it was possible to love someone so much.
I didn't know the true meaning of love, until I met you.



I have never suffered as much pain and heartache as I did the day I had to put your needs ahead of mine...



...The day I placed you into the arms of your loving, incredible, parents.



But I knew it was the right thing Avery.
I knew that you would have the EXACT life I wanted you to have.
The kind of life I couldn't give you...including an Eternal Family.




Now,
ONE YEAR LATER,

you are still the most beautiful little girl I have ever met.



you are happy as can be...

and
You are my little princess.



The bond we have is different from any other.

No one will EVER have the kind of relationship with you that I have.
We are lucky.

I still think about you everyday.
I miss you every day.

But I know you are where you are supposed to be.

I know you are in the best of hands, with amazing parents

and I am SO grateful and lucky to be in an open adoption with you and your family.

I love you more than words can express.
Happy Birthday Avery Leigh.

It is so hard to believe...

YOU'RE ONE!!!

With SO much Love,
Your Birthmom

Wanna Laugh?

Watch THIS.

CUTEST THING EVER!!

Healing

Part 2..or 3?

HEALING:

Suggestions on How to Deal with your Grief:

Communication

- Talk about the baby and your feelings with your family and friends

- Try to resume old and new relationships

Nutrition

- Eat a balanced diet that includes milk, meat, vegetables, fruit and whole grains.

- Avoid "junk" and fast foods.

Fluid Intake

- Drink 8 glasses of liquids (Juice, water, soda) per day.

- Avoid drinks with caffeine or alcohol because they may cause dehydration, headaches, and/or lower back pain.

Exercise

- Do something active everyday, such as riding a bike, walking, jogging, aerobics, or stretching. Even a walk around the block can be helpful.

Tobacco and Alcohol

- Avoid tobacco because it depletes the body of vitamins, increases the acidity or the stomach, decreases circulation and can cause palpitations.

- Don't drink alcoholic beverages because they depress body funcion and natural emotional expression

Rest

- Avoid increased work activity

- Maintain rest patterns even if unable to sleep.

Reading

- Read books, articles, and poems that provide understanding and comfort so you do not feel so alone.

(during placement, Dustin and Andrea gave me a book called "No one Can Take your Place" by Sheri Dew and on my birthday they gave me a book by THIS amazing woman called "Prepare now for the Temple". Both of these books are SO uplifing and because I absolutely LOVE to read, they have definitely helped me through these hard times.)

Writing

- Keep a diary or journal of thoughts, memories and mementos.

- Write letters, notes and or poems to the baby.

(my blog! :))

Physical Exam

- Schedule a physical exam about 4-6 months after experiencing a loss because the body is at risk of developing diseases during grief.

Big Decisions or Changes

- Don't move or change jobs or relationship. Wait a while to make these major changes.

- Avoid long trips. Coping mechanisms and reflexes are impaired, making judgements difficult.

- Don't put the baby reminders away until you are ready.

- Don't let other make decisions for you.

Help from Others

- Admit to yourself and family when you need help. This can lessen the pain and lonelinesss.

- Accept help from others. Let them know specific things they can do for you, such a providing food or company.

- Allow family and friends to share your grief and let them offer their support

- Attend a support group. People that have "been there" can give support, help and hope.

Tomorrow will come. The pain will Ease. But you will not forget your precious child.
it takes hope, time and love for healing
to take place. Remember along the way to accept,
but not forget

(Empty Arms, Sherokee IIse)

Included in the healing section was

FORGIVENESS.

What is it?

If you're not sure how to forgive, you're not alone. Actually, very few people understand what forgiveness is and how it works.

One definition: Recognizing you have been wrong, giving up your resentment and eventually responding to the person who has hurt you with compassion.

What forgiveness is not: It's not condoning, excusing, forgetting or denying an offense. And forgiveness does not mean putting yourself back in an abusive relationship.

WHY FORGIVE?

Without forgiveness, bitterness can linger. When we could be enjoying today's pleasures, we are upsetting ouselves with yesterday's injustices.

The person who has hurt you is not the one to lsoe sleep over the hurts. They do not feel your anger or the knot in your stomach. The pain of not forgiving is all yours.

Forgiveness gives us a chance to on to other things. When we forgive we regain control of our lives.

People who are inclined to fogive others enjoy better mental and physical health than those who hold grudges. Unless they are repeatedly excusing someone who is abusive, forgiveness seems to be a postitive act for the one doing it.

There are many other great thing said in this packet about forgiveness.

However,

I have a friend that wrote a post a while ago that spoke of it perfectly.

It was what I needed.

I am one of those people that have an extremely hard time forgiving.

I want to,

but I have a hard time finding that place in my heart TO forgive.

Brittany wrote THIS post a while back.

I definitely recommend reading it.

I want to highlight some of the things she said though:

"I know that a lot of us think that we forget about something that hurt us, but then we remember it at the most unexpected times, and you have to go through the whole process again. It sucks. "

"Do not feel bad about struggling with forgiveness. The fact that you feel bad about shows that you are willing to forgive, and you understand the importance of forgiving. You just simply haven’t found out how to do it yet. There are some things that hurt our hearts so much that it would be unreasonable to forgive right away. God knows that. God isn’t unreasonable. He doesn’t require that you run faster than you have the strength to (Mosiah 4:27)."

"“Do not feel guilty or worry if you are struggling with forgiveness. It is easy to takescriptures about forgiveness out of context and assume we must be immediately ready to forgive even serious harm from others.” –President Gordon B. Hinckley"

“I just wanted to say how profoundly sorry I am for this burden you are called to carry. I wish I had answers to all the questions. All I know is that moving from pain to healing is a process.... a process that can't be rushed. I know that peace will come to you. The anger is normal and understandable. It is part of what helps us understand injustices. You will eventually be able to let go of your anger as you give the heaviness of it...the unanswered parts of it to God. What you are going thru right now is the essence of the why the Atonement was accomplished. I use that word on purpose -- accomplished. The same applies to your process. God will lead you to healing. Allow his wisdom to teach you whatever lessons he will as you pass thru it all. Forgiveness will come. It is ok that it isn't all here today.”

I think that this forgiveness stuff was included in this packet because for me PERSONALLY, I had a lot negative feelings after placement.

not just towards others, but mostly towards myself.

I still struggle with forgiving myself.

It is hard for me to not completely HATE myself for this.

It is my fault that I was in this situation in the first place.

Because of something I did, I have suffered more than I have ever suffered in my entire life.

and FINALLY,

How do you know you are healing?

Those persons who have worked with their grief to move toward the dimension of reconciliation should be able to demonstrate:

• A recognition of the reality and finality of the adoption of the child.
• A return to stable eating and sleeping patterns that were present before.
• A renewed sense of energy and personal well-being.
• A subjective sense of release or relief (they have thoughts of the child, but are not preoccupied with these thoughts)
• The capacity to enjoy experiences in life that should normally be enjoyable.
• The establishment of new and healthy relationships
• The capacity to live a full life without feelings of guilt or lack of self-respect.
• The capacity to organize and plan one's life toward the future.
• The capacity to become comfortable with the way things are rather than attempting to make things as they were.
• The capacity to being open to more change in one's life.
• The awareness that one has allowed self to fully grieve and survived.
• The awareness that one does not "get over grief," but instead is able to acknowledge "This is my new reality and I am ultimately the one who must work to create new meaning and purpose in my life."
• The capacity to acknowledge new parts of one's self that have been discovered in the growth through one's grief.
• That capacity to adjust to the new role changes that have resulted from the loss of the relationship.
• The capacity to be compassionate with one's self when a normal resurgence of intense grief occurs (holidays, anniversaires, etc.).
• The capacity to acknowledge that the pain of loss is an inherent part of life that results from the ability to give and receive love.