Fall

I know it's been a while since I've posted here, 

but I'm feeling the need to do it now. 

Every year towards the end of September,

I begin a process.

It's like the Grieving process all over again. 

Every. Year.

It takes about an hour for me to drive to work every week.

I work every Friday night and for the past two weeks,

just minutes into the drive,

I have ended up crying my eyes out. 

Let me explain.

October 11th 2008, 

Keltson died

October 28th 2008, 

Avery was born.

I have come to one conclusion. 

This year, my grief has been significantly different for both subjects.

You'd think that since it's been 4 years,

I'd have come to terms with the fact that Keltson is gone.

I mean,

I'm happily married and I have a beautiful family.

I'm SO incredibly in love with my Husband.

Seriously,

he was made for me.

He gets me and understands me more than anyone else in this world.

Even ME sometimes.

So please don't take it the wrong way when I talk about Keltson.

Keltson was my very best friend back in '08.

He was there for me during the time I needed a friend the most.

He made sure I had a friend during the most difficult time in my life. 

I can't even begin to express what an incredible person he was.

I know I know,

when someone dies, 

people tend to put them on a pedestal.

I know that I do that to a degree sometimes,

but every fall, 

I think about how I was able to spend he last few months of life with him.

and I'm not putting it on a pedestal. 

I just remember our conversations or our adventures at 2 am. 

I'm SO Grateful for him.

I needed him SO MUCH.
I was going through such a hard time in my life and I needed a friend JUST LIKE HIM.

I just hope it's normal that I'm having such a hard time accepting his death.

He was my best friend when he died. 

I'm sure I wasn't his, but he was mine.

He was my ONLY friend for a long time throughout my pregnancy with Avery.

He helped me through and I am so grateful to him for that. 

I just miss my friend. 

I really do. 

Tonight however,

I cried because of Avery.

It was different though.

Avery is where she is supposed to be and I have no doubt about that.

But feeling the crisp air on my face,

or the chill in the wind.

even the SMELL of fall,

brings back those memories of my days in the hospital with her.

I cry because I remember my heart breaking when I signed those papers.

When I left that hospital.

I remember the two months afterwards when every part of my motherly instincts were screaming and begging me to just go get her. 

But it always ends with me thinking

"At least I can say I still get to hug her, talk to her, hold her and play with her"

I love that.
I am SO glad we have an open adoption. 

I'm SO glad that I still get to see the little angel that made me who I am. 

She seriously opened my eyes to what's most important in life.

Even though she's not MINE,

she left her hand print right smack dab in the middle of my heart. 

Seriously. 

Avery is my little Angel and her hand print on my heart will never ever ever leave.

So as fall continues to bring back those feelings of my heart shattered on the floor,

with Avery, I don't think that will every leave.

To be honest, I don't really want it to.

That was such a spiritual time for me that when I think of it,

I remember what peace I felt through all of this.

as for Keltson...

well, I KNOW I'll never forget him.

ever.

But I do hope that one day I can accept the fact that he's gone.

Understanding what Adoption REALLY means.

I've been having numerous conversations,

with many different people lately about Adoption and what it means once a birthmom signs those papers.

After making the difficult decision to place her for Adoption and finding Dustin and Andrea,

I never once referred to Avery as my daughter.

Not once did I think of her that way.

I believe with 100% of my heart that Avery is and always has been Dustin and Andrea's Daughter.

She had to take a detour to get to them,

but she is NOT mine.

Signing the papers makes it so,

Even when you look at her,

it's so obvious that they are her parents.

If I didn't know any better, I would think that she was biologically born to them.

She resembles them SO much.

Nobody in my family thinks of Avery that way.

Kalista is my first child, My parents first Grandchild and my Siblings first Neice.

It's not to say that we don't love Avery.

We all do.

SO MUCH!

But it's a different kind of love.

Avery and I don't have the mother-daughter bond.

The love I have for her is unlike any love that many people will never experience.

I can't explain it.

But it's different because I know that she is Dustin and Andrea's daughter.

She was always meant for them.

So I guess the meaning for the post is this:

A lot of people misinterpret this.

A lot of people have made comments to us about how Kali isn't my only daughter, or my parents only Grand-daughter.

For those that don't understand this about Adoption,

they probably don't understand that this is very close to annoying.

haha

It kind of frustrates me when I'm talking to someone about Kali and they refer to her as a 'little sister' or when they refer to Avery as my daughter.

She's not. I have a hard time explaining this because It's hard to make not sound like I don't love Avery. I DO! I absolutely Adore that girl! But I just feel like some people need to understand the way my family and I see this Adoption.

Once I signed those papers, she was no longer my daughter.

The papers clearly state that.

I willingly did that because I always knew that Avery was going to the right place.

April 15th

April 15th was the 3 year anniversary of when I met Dustin and Andrea!

That is so crazy to me. I can't believe it's been 3 years.

Andrea texted me on Friday (April 15th)

and just said that she pretty much can't believe it's been three years and we just talked about how grateful we were for meeting each other.

Then she said "Avery told me today that she is so happy"

She just randomly said that?

Coincedence? I don't think so.

I placed Avery for adoption because I wanted that for her.

I WANTED her to be happy and have every oppertunity in life possible.

That comment she made, makes me SO happy I can't even tell you.

She IS happy.

I feel like I WAS able to make her happy just like I wanted her to be.

It made me a little emotional when Andrea said that.

not that I didn't KNOW if Avery was happy or not, because TRUST me I knew that before. She is one of the happiest little girls I know.

But hearing that, means she RECOGNIZES it.

I absolutely love it.

While I was texting her I was driving in the car with Tyson.

I have been feeling so blessed lately.

Dustin and Andrea are so good to me. They have been amazing with helping me get through this.

I feel almost guilty for how good I feel about all of this and that's what I was telling Tyson.

I know quite a few birthmoms and I talk to a lot of them quite a bit.

and I feel like I am one of the VERY few that aren't...suffering anymore.

I think that's a good word for it.

I seriously don't even think of Avery as mine anymore.

Sometimes I even forget that I actually gave birth to her.

Everytime I see Her, Dustin and Andrea, it's apparant that they have always belonged together.

They fit together SO well.

Avery never was mine. She has always been theirs and I don't think of her as mine anymore.

I love her SO much and of course that will never change.

But I feel like I'm more content with this decision than a lot of other birthmoms that placed around the same time as I did are.

I know that eventually,

this point comes for most, if not all, birthmoms.

But I just feel almost heartless for feeling so content with this so early.

I told Tyson that I felt like there was something wrong with me.

He thought that was ridiculous. haha

He said that he thinks that it has a lot to do with my personality.

He said that because I'm so OCD about things; Like..I have to be organized,

I planned, even before Avery was born how this was all going to play out.

Since it all went just as I planned, I am content with it.

It went the way I wanted it to and Avery is just as happy as I always imagined her to be and she is with her family.

I understand that now a little.

Maybe it's because I knew how I wanted it to be before she was even born.

So I prepared for it earlier than most and since it turned out like I wanted it to turn out,

I'm just fine.

of COURSE, I still have days were I miss her,

but I don't feel even CLOSE to how I felt the first year.

I don't have the Mother-Daughter connection with her anymore.

it's a different connection and one that not very many people get to have.

But I'm just SO grateful for Dustin and Andrea.

THEY play a huge part in why I'm so content with everything.

They were so supportive, and helpful through the hard times I had after she was born,

that I was able to get through it so well and so quickly.

If they had tried to push me out of their lives in the first year because I was seeing her so much,

I am SURE I wouldn't feel the way I do now.

Instead, they were SO patient with me while I was slowly able to break that connection and move it to something better and healthier. My heart is filled with so much gratitude for them and this experience.

I couldn't have BEEN more blessed through all of this.

I love them and I love adoption!!

I think I've made the decision...

I'm 99.9% sure I'm going to delete this blog...

and create a private one for my family.

I will make that final decision by the end of next week.

I think I'm done dealing with all of the negativity that comes with blogging Publicly.

When I first created this blog,

it was SOO helpful.

A lot of healing took place.

A lot of growing and learning did as well.

But I've noticed,

as time has gone on,

it's turned in to something that I don't really care for.

Something that I don't want to be involved with anymore.

I don't like feeling attacked.

I don't like feeling the way I feel when I decide to "blog stalk",

and discover things in this world that are so evil I get physically ill.

THEN,

when standing up for my beliefs,

beliefs of mine that are SOOO obvious...

I'm criticized for THAT.

A blog is supposed to be like a journal.

It's supposed to be something I can write my thoughts and feelings on.

It's what I made it for in the first place...and it's no longer that.

I'm tired of feeling like I have to constantly stand up for things that seem so obviously right...

but for some reason,

aren't to other people.

I can't live of this world anymore.

I can only live my life,

with my family,

knowing what I know to be true.

I am just so focused on what really matters in my life,

which is my family and what is best for them,

specifically my sweet daughter that will be entering this harsh world soon.

I can't continue to take part in that. 

As I write this blog,

I think that I've already made my decision.

It's just getting myself to do it that is difficult. 

This blog has been my life for two years.

Almost exactly. 

It's going to be really hard to just delete it all and create my own private one. 

But I think I've come to the conclusion that it is what's best for my family.

I really appreciate the people that support me.  

I really love the people I've met through blogging and I wouldn't change it for the world.

But it's what's best for me and my family.

So it will be deleted by next week.  

This is really hard to do and is not an easy decision.

But I believe it is the right one.

Oh.
and
Promoting adoption?
well,
that's being done just wonderfully.

I don't need a blog to do that.

The one thing I am more passionate about than Adoption...

The incredible Stefanie made a post yesterday.

I gotta say it hit home for me more than ANY other post I've ever read.

If you want me to lose complete respect for you in less than 10 seconds,

just say these four word to me:

"I've had an Abortion"

I in no way see my losing respect for you as judgemental.

WHY?

Because if you have had an abortion,

it seems quite obvious that I care more about that Child you've killed more than you.

Which is quite sad.

I can't imagine someone loving my child more than me.

Abortion is the one thing that I can honestly say I am more passionate about than Adoption.

Adoption is the BEST option!

I love it SOO MUCH!

But I would never ever say that someone was wrong,

or being selfish if they chose to single parent.

That is there decision and that is them doing what they think is best.

and it very well could be.

But Abortion??

There is NOTHING anyone can say that will make me think that is a good option to choose.

It is NOT best for that child they are carrying.

That Child isn't even being born!

Instead they are bruttally murduring it.

yeah,

I gotta say,

I don't know anyone that wants to be murdered.

Do you?

has anyone walked up to you and said

"I wish someone would murder me today."

Or better yet,

has anyone ever said

"I wish my mom had just had an abortion when she was pregnant with me."

yeah,

didn't think so.

Before I go on,

I would like to admit that my writing skills have hit the toilet.

I don't know why but I can't seem to write what's on my mind as well as I used to...

I'll call it pregnancy related. ha.

Because of this,

I've decided that I'm just going to show this video.

I am SO passionate about this that the best way for me to state my feeling is by showing this chilling video.

I watched it when I was pregnant with Avery.

I cried all day after watching it.

I couldn't believe that someone would do this to a child.

I am pregnant again.

I gotta tell you now that I can't watch it.

I have a child inside of me right now.

She is moving as we speak.

She is playing around in my belly and getting bigger every day.

It kills me to even entertain the thought that this happens to other baby's like her.

I am getting emotional just typing it.

It kills me to think that when I was pregnant with Avery,

people chose this option over Adoption.

I can't imagine EVER doing this to Avery,

to my CHILD.

To something that is COMPLETELY depending on me...

and this is how you show them that you care?

The video is long, but it's facts. WATCH IT if you don't believe abortion is murder.

After watching this,

you tell me if it's still just TISSUE that you're getting rid of.

Christmas 2010

I know I'm a little late doing this.

But

I've been REALLY sick,

as well as my whole family.

Tyson ended up taking me to the instacare on Thursday night.

We were there for 4 long hours

because not only did they put me on a Saline IV,

they gave me TWO bags.

Apparantly I was dehydrated!!

It made me feel way better than I had all day that day,

but turns out,

I have Strep Throat + the Flu.

Not fun considering I'm not over morning sickness yet either.

After the Dr told me he was sure that was what was wrong,

My mom called me the next day saying that my little brother

(who had strep throat a couple of day before,)

was just diagnosed with the Flu as well.

My voice has been gone since Friday.

I really cannot miss anymore work.

I've missed enough with this morning sickness.

I am not going to have ANY time left to take off for Maternity leave!!

Anyway,

enough of that.

Christmas was really fun!

We went to my familys annual Chrismas eve party

and ate lots of food and had a lot of fun there as usual.

My aunt gave us a REALLY comfortable blanket.

After that we went home,

opened our Pj's and sibling presents.

Tyson got a shirt from my little sister

and

I got a gift card for Maternity clothes from my BIL Blake!!

Kali is already getting Christmas presents too!

My mom got her an adorable bracelet and a matching binky holder

and my dad

got her a UofU hat (of course! haha)

On Christmas morning

We opened presents with my family.

I got maternity clothes from Tyson

and

my parents gave us a Wii!!

Afterwards,

we went and visited Dustin Andrea and Avery.

It was the CRAZIEST thing.

I know it hasn't been that long since we've seen Avery,

like less than two months,

but I swear she got a TON bigger all of the sudden.

When we knocked on the door we heard little feet running to answer it.

and When she opened the door,

it was like she had grown two inches.

She's talking like a champ too.

It's so wierd!!

She talks to you in full on sentences.

From what I could tell,

she can pretty much carry on a conversation.

I know she's two,

but it's just wierd!

We also got a video camera,

so while I thought I recorded way more than this,

I'm glad I at least got her saying "Hi"

Even though,

she spoke a LOT more than that.

She's so funny.

Dustin and Andrea gave us a really cute blanket for Kali,

and the game Transamerica

(which is what we played in the hospital while I was in labor with Avery)

and of course Sour Patch Candy!!

For Christmas.

We love them and really enjoyed the visit!

After that,

we went to Tysons Great Grandmas house

and had dinner, opened presents and played games with his whole extended family.

I knew I married into the right family when they pulled out the games.

if you know me at all,

you know I'm a HUGE fan of playing games.

We were spoiled by his family too.

His great grandma gave us candles and $$,

his Grandma and Grandpa gave us a gift card to the movies and $$ as well

and his parents gave us a Chili's gift card.

MMMMmmm!!

We love our families

They spoiled us!

It was so fun

and even though we received so many generous gifts,

 we truly felt the true meaning of Christmas

and it was definitely a great first Christmas together!

18 week Dr Appointment and the Best husband ever

I had my 18 week appointment yesterday

and I have my 20 week Ultrasound next week

(I'll be almost 20 weeks by then)

Everything looked good and good news,

my heartburn has lessened quite a bit within the last month!!

It was pretty bad,

but now it's pretty bearable.

Kali was hiding from the Dr when he tried to find her heartbeat.

It took a bit to find it and I'm not gonna lie,

I panicked just a bit when that happened.

But that's pretty normal. Especially for me.

I seriously worry about EVERYTHING.

It really is such a miracle that my little girl is growing in my belly...

it doesn't feel possible so I constantly worry that something is going to happen to her!

(It's apparant that it doesn't get better with each pregnancy. haha)

So,

things went well with that.

Then,

when I got home, I began feeling incredibely sick.

My little brother just tested positive for strep throat...

so I'm thinking it could be that.

I have a sore throat and everything,

but I also have a headache,

nausea

and extreme congestion.

I'm sure the Nausea is pregnancy related,

and I've had headaches before,

 but NOT like this!!

Anyway,

the point is I was feeling sick

(and it's only gotten worse today)

I got home around 4:30,

and Tyson got home at about 5:30.

When he got home,

he seriously waited on me more than ever.

Not only had he been working hard at work all day,

but then he comes home,

makes me a grilled cheese sandwich and soup

tickles my back,

gives my Tylenol,

prepares a bath for me

and makes sure I have everything I need.

Then,

when I remember that I made plans with Keara to play games with her and some other friends,

he drops what he's doing to relax,

and says we should go.

So,

he tells me I look beautiful,
(When I have wet hair flailing everywhere, no make up on and I'm in ugly pj's

It's obvious that's not the case! haha)

He tells me not to change,

and we go play games until we decide we need to go home to go to bed so we won't be tired for work.

THAT was only yesterday.

Today,

he worked way late,

in the freezing cold, on the roof of a store, in a blizzard.

He calls me when he's driving home and knows i'm sick so he picks up some dinner,

brings it to me in bed

and

makes sure I have everything.

Just like he did yesterday.

I absolutely LOVE him.

I definitely don't deserve someone so incredible.

He's gonna be an incredible Dad.

I love you Tyson!

I'll post another pregnancy picture next time :)

October.

This time of month brings back so many memories and emotions.

Everytime I go outside,

I am reminded of two years ago...

When Avery was almost born.

I am overcome with such a peaceful, quiet, sacred feeling everytime I feel the cool air hit my face.

I want to cry when I smell the crisp fall weather settling in.

The way I felt at this time two years ago,

is unexplainable. 

I will not ever be able to find the right words for it.

The Spirit was with me so strongly.

The things that happened during the month of October two years ago were the most sacred, spiritual, hardest things in my life.

It proved to me how strong I can be when I have to be.

It proved to me how much the Lord loves me.

It proved to me that with the Lords help, I can honestly do anything.

When the weather starts to change from summer to fall,

I feel it almost immediately.

The peaceful feeling I had with me during October of 2008,

 is brought back whenever I walk outside and I just want to sit outside, close my eyes and remember it all. 

Last year,

this feeling was hard for me.

Even though it was a peaceful feeling,

all I could think about was what a difficult time it was.

My heart still ached tremendously.

Now,

it's a different feeling.

I want to, and sometimes do, cry when I feel the cool fall air on my face, 

but it's not of pain.

It's of peace.

It's of amazement.

It's of LOVE.

COMPLETE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

This year,

I am pregnant again.

BUT,

Instead of the end of my pregnancy this month,

I'm at the beginning,

and

Instead of carrying someone else's child,

I am carrying MINE.

MY CHILD.

Although I believe that hormones have a lot to do with crying so easily this month,

I don't think it's JUST hormones.

This month will always be the most life changing month of my life.

October is always a month I look at with such peace.

My best friend passed away this month,

and I placed the one person I loved more than anything,

with another family.

It's something I will always always remember this way.

whenever the weather changes to fall,

I don't think I will ever look at again as I did before 2008.

STOP IT DREAMS!!

I've been having lots of dreams lately.

They've all been different...except for one little detail.

Keltson.

It is wierd that after a year and a half I am STILL struggling with this?

WHY CAN'T I JUST MOVE ON!!??

My last dream, the one I dreamt last night, included his mom.

and it was emotional.

I woke up crying.

I told myself I wasn't going to post about him again...but I just have to.

I can't hold it in anymore...and this blog here, it's like my Journal.

SO yes, sometimes I might put some personal struggles on here

(I am aware that it is public..which is why I don't put SUPER personal things up here...but I made this blog to talk about my struggles)

Since Keltson died,

I have felt like the 3rd wheel everywhere I go.

Especially because both the people that we hung out with at the end of his life...were married not even a year after he died.

These videos leave me bawling everytime.

ALL of the words in both of these songs fit perfectly.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'll see him again someday.

It's hard to have faith...when I don't understand why he was taken from us.

I miss him so much. I have never had a friend like him. No one can take his place.

I just wish I could talk to him now and hear the advice he has to give me about my current struggles.

I wish I could see MY future too. It would help a lot.

There. I'm done. Sorry to complain again.

I just had to get it out.

and I WISH that the dreams I had didn't make me miss him more.

I just want them to stop.

Adoption is hard, but worth it.

Today I was reminded of experiences that lead to my decision to place.

I began really thinking, in depth about what led me to call off the wedding,

and to decide on adoption.

I got very choked up while remembering.

Throughout the whole engagement,

it seemed that everything pertaining to the wedding plans were working out perfectly.

really.

Let me just name a few:

* My uncle and his family had just moved from their house in Provo to Oregon.

He had been renting his Provo house out to his Brother in law, who miraculously wouldn't need it anymore and would be moving out just weeks after our wedding date. My uncle told me he would let us live there for only $500/month. This house was huge. It had 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, an office and many other luxuries that were way more than what we needed. It was so generous. So, we already had a house.

* I went shopping for my wedding dress.  I found the perfect one at the first store, on the first day of shopping. It was a good price and we purchased it that day. There's my dress

* We found a church that is gorgeous.  Since we wouldn't have been able to marry in the temple, I wanted to do the ceremony there.  It was seriously the most beautiful church I have ever seen. Unfortunately, so many people wanted their wedding/reception there, that the stake had recently made a rule that only people in the stake could use it for weddings.  Well, my dad went in and talked to the stake president.  My dad had lived there when he was younger and he was hoping he could talk him in to letting us use it.  He succeeded.  We got the church and the day we had set for our Wedding, was one of the very few days that the church wasn't being used. So, we had a place set for the wedding.

* we needed furniture for the house and there was no way we could afford buying it all.  a couple of days after realizing this, my uncle called and told me that his Brother and law was going to leave his furniture in the living room because he wasn't going to need it for a few months.  So, there we had our furniture.

I could go on and on, but to save space, I won't. 

Everything and I mean everything  was working out.

because of this, I began telling myself even more that this was supposed to happen.

That I was supposed to marry him.

It wouldn't work out the way it was if I wasn't supposed to.

However,

during all of this I was in the worst mood.

and it got even worse whenever Kris was around.

I wanted nothing to do with him and we argued every time we were around each other.

We couldn't even agree on a song to dance to at the wedding.

We went to IKEA one day to look for some things,

and we did not agree on ANY style.

he ended up leaving and doing his own thing while I complained about him to my aunt the rest of the time.

(who, I'm sure, regretted coming with us)

Does that sound like a happily engaged couple?

yeah, definitely not.

Here is where I get emotional.

This is the part that everything started turning around and I began realizing that I was not supposed to marry him.

It's where I began realizing that adoption was the best thing...

and, although I was not aware of it at the time,

this is also where Dustin and Andrea come in.

March 17, 2008.

was Kris's 19th birthday.

We spent most of the day together since it was his birthday.

We spent most of the day arguing and disagreeing on just about everything. 

Around 5:00,

we drove to the temple.

He got out and walked around the temple grounds.

I drove to the edge of the parking lot,

where no cars were parked,

parked my car,

and cried.

I remember staring out my window and praying that I know what to do.

I wanted so badly for this to work out. 

I wanted my baby to have everything. 

I was lost and I didn't know what to do. 

It was the first time that I decided that I was going to really try and listen for an answer. 

I was going to try to set aside the answer that I wanted, and try to listen for the right answer. 

I personally think that this was the day we both began realizing that getting married was not the right thing.

we were both having second thoughts.

(whether he admits it or not) 

My pondering and looking for an answer was cut short when Kris's mom pulled up next to me.

In the meantime,

on this same day,

Dustin and Andrea were finally approved for adoption and their profile went up online.

About a week later,

Kris and I were driving home from getting our marriage license.

About 5 minutes before we pulled in to his neighborhood,

we began a serious talk.

a talk that ended with me giving him back the ring.

I was bawling.

I was crying so hard that I couldn't move.

at that moment I realized something that deep down,

I always knew was the right thing.

I knew what I was supposed to do and it was painful to think about.

I was supposed to place this baby for adoption.

When Kris got out of the car, I pulled out of the drive way, and my phone beeped. 

It was a text message from my mom that said "Do you need me?"

I began crying even harder.

I couldn't understand how she knew I needed her.

But she did.

I replied yes,

and we met at the park. 

and, 

well,

you know the rest of the story.

This story is so vital in my life. 

It is something I will always remember. 

It's hard to explain, 

but I know Adoption was the right thing plainly because of this story. 

because of the way I felt. 

I felt so at peace and finally calm after giving Kris the ring. 

I felt like a mountain was lifted off of my chest. 

and that was the reason I was crying.
Because I didn't want it to be right.

Many couples say,

Adoption is hard, but worth it. 

That goes for birth parents too. 

it's very very hard.

the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life.

But in the end,

seeing the joy Avery brings to Dustin and Andrea,

seeing her complete happiness,

and knowing that she is better off, 

is so so worth it.

Scammers

I just read a post by Mrs. R that made me sick.

Mrs. R was Scammed last week.
She was scammed by a girl that has done this to at least 3 other couples.

This girl, "T.A" was pretending to be pregnant.
She was saying she wanted to place her baby with the r house.

This girl is a liar.

I cannot even comprehend how someone in their right mind could do something so plain evil,
because that's definitely what it is.
HOW could you sleep at night?
This girl was toying with very very sensitive emotions.

One of these scammed couples said this:

"We are very soured on adoption now and would appreciate any positive experiences, or insight you could give us. I'm just shocked anyone would do this. I'm devastated!"

That breaks my heart.
Really.

Adoption is an amazing thing.
Why someone would do something so cruel so they could "feel important" or whatever it is that this girl said was her reason, I will never know.

But because of her,
others are hurt by it.
Others are feeling the pain she has left for them.

I highly recommed reading Mrs. R's story.
I think it will educate other adoptive couples on the 'signs' of scammers.

I PRAY this doesn't happen to you.

I can't find the right words to express how sickened I am by this girl.
She needs some serious help. 

Here is mrs. r's story:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Mrs. R is working with these other couples to hopefully Press Charges.
Because yes, you can do that to scammers.
Especially Adoption Scammers.

Please keep T.A and these families affected by her in your prayers.
I'm sure they both need it.

The Peace and Relief of 2010

I feel like this post doesn't make sense..I hope it does.

It's hard to put things like this in words.

so I'm apologize in advance if it doesn't!

*****

A Few Months ago I realized something.

I was trying to figure out WHY in the world the constant ache I was feeling from the loss of Placing Avery wasn't leaving.

After much pondering and praying,

I realized that I missed one of the last steps of the repentace process.

forgiving myself.

I took more than a year for me to realize this.

I began thinking that I needed to talk to the Bishop.

To make sure I wasn't missing anything.

I wanted the pain to go away.

Two days after thinking that I needed to talk to the Bishop,

I walked upstairs to my dad (Who is the Bishops Secretary).

He told me that the Bishop wanted to meet with me that day.

I was suprised to say the least.

It wasn't until I actually started talking to him that I broke down though...

 he said "I've been thinking about you for the last couple of days and felt like We needed to meet."

that is when the tears started.

Yeah,

Pretty sure I love my Bishop.

Anyway,

Back to what has finally happened.

It took a few weeks for me to get through the "forgiving myself" point.

I think the key to that is realizing what Christ did for us.

He died for us so that we wouldn't have to suffer for our sins for the rest of our lives if we repent.

I was feeling that gigantic hole in my heart constantly because I wasn't allowing The Atonement into my life.

I had to come to fully understand the reason for the Atonement.

I had to come to understand what Christ did for us.

He suffered for our Sins so that we could truly be forgiven of our sins.

So that we didn't have to feel that pain forever.

 My Bishop is really good at getting through to me.

He said something that really got me thinking.

I know I've heard it before, but the way he said it...got to me.

"The key to Happiness is not by living in the past, or the future, but by living in the present. Because that's really the only thing we can control."

I was having such a hard time with the mistake I made,

that I wasn't happy.

I can only fix what is NOW.

I can't change what's happened before,

and

I can't change what is going to happen.

I can only change NOW.

So now is the time to start living right.

I made one mistake and it's affected my life up until this point.

I've been so angry with myself that I haven't been able to get over the pain

 these pictures...

Avery is a lot bigger now...It's about time I finally get my life back to normal right?

(sorry...a little sidetracked)

Anyway..

Back in September,

I was visitng Avery and Andrea.

that day I realized that I didn't feel that "motherly bond" with her as I had before.

But I still felt that pain. That constant pain that I swear could kill you.

That bothered me.

a lot.

Well I just saw Avery again on December 26th to give her her Christmas present.

While I was there,

About half way through our visit,

Dustin and Andrea were standing there, Holding Avery in their arms.

I was standing in front of them, looking at Avery

and

it hit me.

I don't know what it was but I consciously thought,

"This isn't my daughter. This is Dustin and Andrea's daughter. Not mine...and I'm okay with that."

I almost broke down right there...but not of pain,

of joy...of RELIEF 

I was SO HAPPY that I finally felt what I'd been looking for all of this time.

I've always felt the peace that I did the right thing.

I've always KNOWN that I did the right thing.

I've been comforted over and over again by the Spirit that I did the right thing,

that Avery was Dustin and Andrea's daughter.

But the pain never went away.

I realized at that moment though,

The I was finally honestly and truly content with my decision.

My heart was no longer aching.

Don't get me wrong,

I know I will still have my days.

I will have my moments...but it won't be the constant pain.

I'm finally at peace.

What a great way to start off the new year.

To Anonymous/why I love my ward.

DISCLAIMER:

To my blog supporters.

This is a very mean post.

read at your own risk.

In Gospel Doctrine today,

we learned about the importance of families.

I have mentioned "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" before,

but I'm going to do it again.

We focused on this the entire time.

-set that aside for just two seconds,

I have been troubled by "Anonymous" who feels it is necessary to let me know how wrong she thinks I am...boy am I glad I went to church today.

Back to my the Lesson.

we were talking about the Proclamation.

a discussion arose about how others interpret families and children.

Here is why I love my ward:

People, one after another, started going off about what a blessing it is to be a parent.

They went on to say that although it is a hard job, it is also very rewarding.

they focused on the positive.

Back to Anonymous,

here is your problem Anonymous (who btw, is obviously ashamed to put your real name),

You focus on all the negativity that comes with being a mother.

You never focus on the good, which causes you to become very ungrateful for what you have.

There was a woman in the class thats Husband died about 2 years ago.

They were only able to have one child on their own, so they adopted their other two.

Since her Husband died,

she said that she doesn't know what she would do without her kids.

they have kept her going.

She is SO Greatful to be a mother

Not one person said something negative about being a parent.

I am SO LUCKY to be surrounded by those kinds of people all the time, instead of people like you, Anonymous.

You say that I'm being self-righteous for asking others not to complain to me about being a mother?

HOW is that self-righteous???

I placed Avery with Dustin and Andrea WILLINGLY, because that was what was best for her!

It in NO WAY was what I wanted.

I want to be a mother, more than ever now because of this experience.

DO NOT criticize me and make me (and other birthmoms) feel the way you have made me feel for the past 24 hours unless you have been in my shoes.

Unless you have experienced what I have experienced, DO NOT judge me.

You don't know me.

I never said that being a mother isn't hard,

but I do know that it is a lot more rewarding.

I don't care if I have never experienced it, I know that much.

I can't believe I contemplated never blogging again because of you.

I don't know why I allow people like you to make me feel the way you have.

Quite frankly,

I recommened you be grateful for what you have.

It seems you have children of your own.

Be grateful for them.

Some people would die for what you're so unappreciative of..

"Here you go. Maybe this will help."

DON'T FORGET TO READ THE HOPING TO ADOPT COUPLE FOR TODAY! IT'S THE ONE BEFORE THIS POST!

*****
So early early Friday morning,

Me, My two younger sisters (Emilee and Kaitlyn), my Mom, my aunt MaryJane, my cousin Courtney and my friend Terri and her Husband all went to the the opening night of Twilight.

You have NO idea how long I had anticipated it.

I COULD NOT wait.

I'm in love with Jacob.

I'm a Jacob fan ALL THE WAY!

We went to the 2:45am showing.

We bought the tickets two months ago..the 2:45 showing was the only one left!

Let me just say,

I was NOT disappointed.

Really. I saw it again last night with my little brother.

haha I LOVE it.

Jacob is so attractive!

Anyway,

Emilee, Kaitlyn and I made shirts on Thursday night before the movie:

All three of us are Jacob Fans.

(Emilee's shirts says "Not Me" on the back..in case you were wondering ;))

Me, Emilee, MJ, and Courtney

It was SO fun.

SO worth the money (both times)

and SO worth being up until 5:30 am.

You should go see it.

So,

Yesterday I was in class.

The whole class was having a discussion.

One girl started talking about her son.

(she's about my age)

Usually I would be fine.

But for some reason that started a stream of emotion.

I began REALLY missing Avery and started wishing I had a daughter to tell stories about.

It was just one of those moments. I couldn't relate to this girl, because I am not the mother of the little girl I gave birth too. 

(I had about 6 hours of sleep, which is usually the amount of sleep I've been getting.)

I then started tuning everyone out.

I was working on keeping the tears from falling out of my eyes.

So I began texting a birthmom that I have not met IRL yet, but we text all the time and she always makes me feel better.  Her name is Nicole.

Well,

after her first reply,

Andrea texted me asking how I was doing.

She always does this.

It's like she knows when I'm having a hard time and I can't take it anymore.

So I just replied telling her I was fine and asked her a question about when they will be approved and on LDSFS site to adopt again.

She answered the question and then said "Are you sure you're okay?"

I swear I stared at the text for a whole two minutes.

I was trying to figure out if I had said anything that made her think I wasn't.

We had been texting each other a couple hours before that and I was fine.

So I replied asking her what made her text me.

and then told her how I was feeling.

She said she just sometimes got fleeting thoughts to contact me and see how I'm doing.

I Love her.

we talked for a few more minutes and then about a half hour later, Dustin texted me.

(At this point,

I was doing better.

Both Nicole and Andrea had calmed me down and I wasn't trying to hold back tears anymore. )

He said that he was sorry I was having a hard time.

I replied letting him know that I was doing better...

and this was his response:

"Here you go. Maybe this will help."

haha I lauged for about 10 minutes and was suddenly completely fine.

I love them.

Seriously.

Dustin and Andrea always know what to say.

and Dustin knew I had seen Twilight the night before and that I love Jacob/Taylor Lautner.

(he's only two years younger than me..that's not bad. lol)

I came home after class, took a nap and when I woke up I was feeling so comforted.

I had to say a silent prayer in thanks for Dustin and Andrea.

Andrea is so close to the spirit.

She is always listening and acting on the promptings she receives.

I know that's how she knew something was wrong.