Okay here's a post that I hope I can put into words.
I really really have been struggling with how to put these emotions into words and I'm going to do my best to get them out once and for all right here!
First things first,
I'm pregnant.
8.3 weeks to be exact.
We were trying this time and the excitement overwhelmed the both of us!
Smiles were glued to our faces for days!
We are so excited to welcome this next little one into our family!
However,
while all this excitement has been going on,
in the back of my mind there's been one thing.
Something that came completely to the surface today and it's to the point where my excitement and joy of being pregnant is being overcome with guilt and unworthiness.
I'm surrounded by many people in my life who struggle with infertility.
many INCREDIBLE people.
We announced our pregnancy on facebook on November 1st.
It's now the 3rd and I'm feeling really guilty about doing so.
Not because anyone has said anything, because they haven't!
But because everytime I read a blog post from one of my incredible friends about their infertile struggles, or everytime I talk to a loved one who struggles with this, I feel like my telling them or even TALKING about my pregnancy only reminds them of these struggles. I don't want to be that person!
I think about how incredibely amazing this people are and I just keep wondering why??
It doesn't make sense why this happens.
I seriously could not thank the Lord enough for the tremendous blessing I've been given, but I feel guilty because there are MANY people out there much more deserving than me.
I feel almost like I'm flaunting it in everyones faces.
Like, whenever I say anything about my pregnancy on facebook or anywhere for that matter, that I'm showing off something that only hurts them more.
I don't want to be the reason for pain or heartache.
I don't want any of my friends to get on facebook and feel a stab of pain because of something I've posted. I don't want that!
I broke down tonight after reading a friends blog and I tried to run upstairs before Tyson could see me because I didn't want to admit out loud why I was really crying...but he caught me and forced it out of me.
He proceeded to tell me that the Lord gives us our blessing and trials for a reason and that I shouldn't feel guilty because it's not my fault...
but I already know that! I know it's not my fault...but I still feel like I'm a constant reminder of what infertile couples don't have and refraining from talking about it to them or on facebook, would prevent any unneccesary kind of pain.
I'm just writing this point because I really need to get my feelings out.
I don't know what to do...
If anyone has suggestions for me, I would be MORE THAN GRATEFUL to hear them.
I need to know if there's anything that is said by someone who is pregnant that only causes pain to those dealing with infertility. I need to know if it would be better if I didn't post anything else about my pregnancy, cravings, etc on facebook.
I'm SO SO excited and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to bring another child into this world. I really don't know how to make that more clear, so I hope that whoever reads this, doesn't take it in thinking that I'm not realizing what I blessing this is, because I do!! I just don't want to hurt anyone in the process of enjoying and experiencing my blessing...
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11 comments:
all i can say is .. this just shows how great of a person you are.. and how considerate you are to others. you are the most caring person ever. Andee.. i wouldn't feel guilty. you have also done a very selfless thing by helping a couple in need by blessing them with a little angel. no one could ever think you were gloating about your pregnancy.
Yes you're hormonal ;)
I don't think people who struggle with infertility would expect you to hold back your excitement. During the 2 years I was waiting and hoping to get pregnant, yes, I would get jealous of people who got pregnant and had what I wanted. But I was also excited and happy for them. No one would (or should) expect anyone to hold back their excitement or pretend to not be happy just because of their own disappointments and I really doubt that anyone does.
this may be the second time you see this.. idk what happened with my first comment.. if it worked or not.. andee this post just shows how great of a person you are.. you are always considerate to others. you should not feel guilty. you are so selfless..you helped a couple in need by placing the blessing of an angel in their arms. no one could ever think that you were gloating about your pregnancy. i love you. and you are such an amazing person.
Andee~ congratulations!!! i am so excited for you and this new member of your family!!! i just felt like i needed to respond... i am infertile and it has definitely not been easy. as part of coping with my infertility, i have found my own way to cope with pregnancy announcement, ventings, craving fb post/blogs. and i think every person dealing with infertility needs to find their coping mechanisms on their own. while, unfortunately, you get the butt end of their coping... they really are excited for you. something else i wanted to say is... when my younger sis. was pregnant, apparently she was scared to announce it to me. what she didn't know, understand is that i had come to find my own coping mechanisms. on top of, in someways it hurt to think she was scared to share this exciting change coming into our family, with me!! i will admit, there was a time or two during her pregnancy i struggled... but that was something i needed to face/deal with... not my sis. so i guess point of my novel here (sorry about that) is 1) realize it isn't rubbing it in, your friends/family members that are infertile are just trying to find their own coping mechanisms for their trial in life... 2) please don't be afraid to share your terrific news because in someways it hurts more when you try hide it. best of luck! hope this helps
So here's my outlook on it, coming from an infertile's view.
One, you are a freakin' amazing person for even having an inkling of compassion and sensitivity towards those who suffer from infertility. And you are 100% completely deserving of the wonderful blessings you receive! Not one person you know (or don't know), no matter how awesome they are, deserves this blessing (of this baby) more then you. So get that out of your head right now.
Two, it doesn't matter how delicately you phrase things, someone will always be hurt or offended. This does NOT have anything to do with you, but everything to do with the person getting hurt or taking offense. I'm not saying they are wrong or are able to avoid getting hurt, it's just that each person goes through different stages during their infertility and healing. Some stages we are more apt to being hurt then others. Yet in other stages those kind of comments don't even register on our radar. It's a continuous, never ending cycle we have learn and grow through. But a muscle doesn't grow stronger by sitting useless and unexposed to hard labor. It grows strong by being exposed and getting a work out. We (infertiles) NEED to be exposed to hard (for us) comments and situations to be able to transcend the pain.
So don't feel badly about saying you had a tough, hormonal day. Don't avoid posting tummy pics because I can't. Just live your life, give us inferts a shout out every now and then to validate our pain, and let us worry about the rest. Love you!!!
Sweet, Andee!
CONGRATS!
As an infertility survivor, I rarely think twice when people announce their pregnancies. It happens every single day on Facebook. Don't worry about it!
As an adoptive mom, I have to say that our biggest hope and dream for our kids' birth parents and the birth moms we love (like you!!) is that you will have the family you have always dreamed of in the time frame and circumstances you have always dreamed of.
At least in our home, your announcement was joyful news!
Hugs to you and your tender heart.
XOXO
Congrats Andee! We are so happy for you, this is so exciting!
Please don't stress. Everyone handles things differently, and I think many infertility survivors appreciate hearing when the blessing of pregnancy is not taken for granted. My only advice is when you need to complain about pregnancy (because you will and that's normal and you shouldn't feel guilty about it) complain to friends who don't have infertility as part of their life. But that's it. Celebrate your pregnancy! In public and in private, pregnancy is such a wonderful miracle.
Seriously this is such beautiful news!
Hey Andee,
I know we don't have a ton of interaction with each other, but I know what you are feeling. I felt the same way when we found out we were having a baby within the first month of being married! I poured my heart out to Amy and Dave (the couple I placed my little boy with) and told them exactly what you said in your post... they told me that sensitivity to others' feelings is great, but not at the expense of feeling inadequate. This baby is a blessing, and Heavenly Father knows EXACTLY what He is doing. Your friends who struggle with infertility (just as mine) who know you, will be happy for you. Don't let guilt and shame cloud your excitement... those are tools Satan uses to make us feel inadequate as parents, almost like we have no right to build a family. Does any of that make sense? Your thoughtfulness shows true compassion and love toward those who struggle with infertility. That is noble. How beautiful that you care for people so much!
The only suggestion I received (because I pried it out of some friends who struggle with infertility), was please don't complain about your pregnancy in a way that makes it sound like a curse. "Heartburn is killing me!" or "Baby keeps me up all night kicking!" are totally fine... but (you know the people who do this) saying things like "I wish I wasn't pregnant" or "I hate my body" are the ones that might make a stab.
You are beautiful, and so is your family. I am so happy for you!
I've never commented before, but I enjoy your blog, and was so touched by this post. It is truly admirable that you are so concerned about the feelings of others.
As someone who struggles with infertility, I have to say that I would never begrudge someone the happiness that comes from such wonderful news. Is it always easy to hear pregnancy announcements? If I am answering honestly, there is usually a twinge of wistfulness. It may hurt a little because I would LOVE to be able to have that experience someday. But I am always happy for someone that receives the blessing of a sweet little addition to the family. I would never want them to feel guilty for experiencing that joy. It is a joyous time!
I LOVED what Lindsey had to say and echo her sentiments wholeheartedly. We pray for and dream of the day our son's birthmom has her own little family. I can think of no greater news.
You are a sweetheart. Congratulations on your sweet little blessing!
we have tried to have a child for almost six years and have been approved to adopt for one year and are still waiting.
but not once do we ever get upset when good, amazing people are pregnant. just like mrs r said, every day on facebook someone announces they are pregnant.
do NOT feel ashamed. be just as grateful as you are. post a way! because if we were ever to get pregnant {don't think we will and we are totally fine with it now} or when we have a baby placed with us, we will announce our joy and blessing as well.
don't ever hide it. how very sweet of you to be concerned. embrace it. post about it. be happy. there is nothing wrong with it whatsoever. this is the family you dreamed about and you have every right to post your happiness.
congratulations!! can't wait to know what you are having!
Andee you are so, so sweet. Do you know what I feel guilty about? Being jealous when someone else is pregnant. It's been a while since I felt that way and I have learned to cope with my own emotions and be thrilled for people when they are pregnant. But there was a time when I couldn't just be happy for someone else, and I feel guilty about that time. Don't feel guilty about your amazing family! You are such an inspiration to me, how strong and wonderful you are, and I'm so happy for you that you are adding to your family! P.S., we are hoping to adopt!
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