Private no longer.

Okay,

I've done it.

I've made my other blog public.

I don't know why I let the rude people get to me so much.

I can't believe I am admitting this to everyone,

but pretty sure,

 my Pregnancy hormones had a lot to do with it.

I talked to Tyson and he told me that he made an excuse about wanting our new blog to be private,

because he was tired of hearing me complain.

haha

SOOO,

now that I'm back to myself again,

Here it is:

My Family Blog

Contest

I'm entering a contest and I have to post a picture of her on my blog.

except, I can't do it on my private blog because they don't have access to that.

and I REALLY want to enter the contest.

So I have no other choice, but to post it here! haha

plus,

I'm feeling kinda mean and I think she's dang cute and I want to show her off! :D :S

So until July,

here's a picture I took of Kali last week.

This bow cracks me up because it's SOO huge.

It's the biggest one she has.

ha I love this picture.

The contest is filled with professional pictures.

taken with the nice cameras and such.

But we can't currently AFFORD a camera like that,

plus I'm not very talented in that area nor do I know anything about it!!

I still wanted to give it a try though!

compromise

I know a lot of people have been asking me to put pictures of our baby on this blog.

Well,

my husband has a say in it too and has been pretty against it.

I've agreed with him when hearing his arguement...

but have felt kinda guilty about it.

SO,

we came to a compromise.

ONE picture,

and

The videos of her and Avery when she came to visit in the hospital :)

Surprise

We have a suprise over on our private blog.

Check it out!

April 15th

April 15th was the 3 year anniversary of when I met Dustin and Andrea!

That is so crazy to me. I can't believe it's been 3 years.

Andrea texted me on Friday (April 15th)

and just said that she pretty much can't believe it's been three years and we just talked about how grateful we were for meeting each other.

Then she said "Avery told me today that she is so happy"

She just randomly said that?

Coincedence? I don't think so.

I placed Avery for adoption because I wanted that for her.

I WANTED her to be happy and have every oppertunity in life possible.

That comment she made, makes me SO happy I can't even tell you.

She IS happy.

I feel like I WAS able to make her happy just like I wanted her to be.

It made me a little emotional when Andrea said that.

not that I didn't KNOW if Avery was happy or not, because TRUST me I knew that before. She is one of the happiest little girls I know.

But hearing that, means she RECOGNIZES it.

I absolutely love it.

While I was texting her I was driving in the car with Tyson.

I have been feeling so blessed lately.

Dustin and Andrea are so good to me. They have been amazing with helping me get through this.

I feel almost guilty for how good I feel about all of this and that's what I was telling Tyson.

I know quite a few birthmoms and I talk to a lot of them quite a bit.

and I feel like I am one of the VERY few that aren't...suffering anymore.

I think that's a good word for it.

I seriously don't even think of Avery as mine anymore.

Sometimes I even forget that I actually gave birth to her.

Everytime I see Her, Dustin and Andrea, it's apparant that they have always belonged together.

They fit together SO well.

Avery never was mine. She has always been theirs and I don't think of her as mine anymore.

I love her SO much and of course that will never change.

But I feel like I'm more content with this decision than a lot of other birthmoms that placed around the same time as I did are.

I know that eventually,

this point comes for most, if not all, birthmoms.

But I just feel almost heartless for feeling so content with this so early.

I told Tyson that I felt like there was something wrong with me.

He thought that was ridiculous. haha

He said that he thinks that it has a lot to do with my personality.

He said that because I'm so OCD about things; Like..I have to be organized,

I planned, even before Avery was born how this was all going to play out.

Since it all went just as I planned, I am content with it.

It went the way I wanted it to and Avery is just as happy as I always imagined her to be and she is with her family.

I understand that now a little.

Maybe it's because I knew how I wanted it to be before she was even born.

So I prepared for it earlier than most and since it turned out like I wanted it to turn out,

I'm just fine.

of COURSE, I still have days were I miss her,

but I don't feel even CLOSE to how I felt the first year.

I don't have the Mother-Daughter connection with her anymore.

it's a different connection and one that not very many people get to have.

But I'm just SO grateful for Dustin and Andrea.

THEY play a huge part in why I'm so content with everything.

They were so supportive, and helpful through the hard times I had after she was born,

that I was able to get through it so well and so quickly.

If they had tried to push me out of their lives in the first year because I was seeing her so much,

I am SURE I wouldn't feel the way I do now.

Instead, they were SO patient with me while I was slowly able to break that connection and move it to something better and healthier. My heart is filled with so much gratitude for them and this experience.

I couldn't have BEEN more blessed through all of this.

I love them and I love adoption!!

Bad Dream

WOW,

I was planning on updating this blog WAYY more than I have been.

Life has been BUSY getting ready for baby and all!

Anyway,

Last week,

I took a nap.

 (I've been doing it more frequently lately due to a passing out episode I had a couple weeks ago)

and I had a bad dream..about Avery.

It's been a long time since I even had a dream about her.

But this was a bad dream. I HATE those so much.

Anyway,

After waking up from it, ALL I could think about was that dream.

I missed her so much.

You know how when you have a bad dream about someone, you feel like you have to see them just to make sure it wasn't true?

Well,

that's what this was like.

I cried everytime that dumb dream came to my mind.

Finally I texted Andrea and asked if there was a way I could come visit them for a couple of minutes...so I could put my fears at ease.

She said that I could and she would text me when they got home.

About two hours later,

She called me and asked if I just wanted them to come over to my house because they were already out this way.

And they did!

They came here and were here for about an hour or so.

I am SOO grateful for them. It meant more to me than I can express.

I LOVE open adoption.

It makes things so much better.

The SECOND I saw Avery I forgot all about the dream and didn't think about it again.

It's so wierd how big she is getting.

While they were there I observed something.

Unless you KNOW Avery is adopted,

you'd never guess.

She looks a lot like Dustin and Andrea it's so crazy.

They just 'fit' together so well.

I love seeing that.

It's SO obvious they were meant for each other.

It's SO obvious that Avery always was and always will be THEIRS.

When she was here, she was introduced to all of the animals my parents have...haha

Bird, Dog and Snake.

She kept holding the bird..and then she would get nervous and want me to take him off...and then she'd want him again. It was so funny.

She even sat by the Snakes cage with her head right next to it, and when my brother took it out, she went to grab it!

She is definitely very outgoing. NOT SHY at all.

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I have had a REALLY hard time doing this.

Every single comment I received on my last post,

made it harder and harder to just abandon my blog.

After reading all of the advice,

I feel like I've put all of them together and made a decision.

Before I received the 30+ comments on my last post and on formspring,

I was going to just completely move this blog to private and not allow any access...

then once we had the blog published,

I would delete it completely.

But...

now I feel like I'm being selfish.

It means a LOT to me that so many people have benefited from this

and to be honest,

I didn't realize it.

Since I still feel like it would be best for my family to have a private,

less controversial blog,

I have already created a new one and began making my personal posts there.

But I don't think I'll delete this blog.

At least for now.

HOWEVER,

I am going to moderate ALL of the comments I receive.

I will NOT publish the hurtful, mean comments.

I won't even finish reading them if I feel that they are moving to negativity towards who I am.

I CAN'T deal with those kinds of people anymore.

And,

this blog will be about Adoption.

So,

I probably won't post very much.

The only times I will is whenever I do something pertaining to adoption,

AKA speaking at high schools, on panels, attending an adoption related event, etc..

If you want to access my private blog,

comment on this post/send me and email with your blogger email address.

I can only have 100 readers on that blog.

I am HOPING I can keep it private.

I'm not sure how it will work so that my entire family can read it,

but I do NOT want negative comments on it.

We'll see how it works :S

But again, that blog will just be about my family and our lives.

I will post on there a BUNCH!

This one,

will not have as much activity. 

But I feel too guilty deleting it completly.

Especially if there are still other people out there that can benefit.

I honestly LOVE all of my readers.

I can't explain how helpful and sweet you all are to me.

I don't wanna just abandon you!!

I'm hoping this works.

If not,

I'm going to have to completely quit posting to this blog.

and I will only keep it up until I have it published.

I am grateful for all of the comments and advice received from my last post.

It really has helped me decide...

plus it's alot less painful for me to do it this way. :)

I didn't like my last decision and was having a REALLY hard time with it.

So,
I'm not going to completely delete it.
At least for now.
But if you want to read my personal blog,
comment/email me with your blogger email address
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