STOP IT DREAMS!!

I've been having lots of dreams lately.

They've all been different...except for one little detail.

Keltson.

It is wierd that after a year and a half I am STILL struggling with this?

WHY CAN'T I JUST MOVE ON!!??

My last dream, the one I dreamt last night, included his mom.

and it was emotional.

I woke up crying.

I told myself I wasn't going to post about him again...but I just have to.

I can't hold it in anymore...and this blog here, it's like my Journal.

SO yes, sometimes I might put some personal struggles on here

(I am aware that it is public..which is why I don't put SUPER personal things up here...but I made this blog to talk about my struggles)

Since Keltson died,

I have felt like the 3rd wheel everywhere I go.

Especially because both the people that we hung out with at the end of his life...were married not even a year after he died.

These videos leave me bawling everytime.

ALL of the words in both of these songs fit perfectly.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'll see him again someday.

It's hard to have faith...when I don't understand why he was taken from us.

I miss him so much. I have never had a friend like him. No one can take his place.

I just wish I could talk to him now and hear the advice he has to give me about my current struggles.

I wish I could see MY future too. It would help a lot.

There. I'm done. Sorry to complain again.

I just had to get it out.

and I WISH that the dreams I had didn't make me miss him more.

I just want them to stop.

Worlds Worst Blogger.

Yes I am nominating myself for this award.

You can do the same if you would like.

I'm so sorry that I don't ever blog anymore!

My life is boring (which is fine with me!!)

I have been trying to think of things to blog about...

but I don't have any idea.

I COULD write about how hard it is to work with a bunch of women ALL the time...

cause that is really the extent of news in my life.

But, no one really wants to hear that.

I don't even want to hear it. :-)

haha

So...

I just decided to share this awesome picture:

I laugh so hard whenever I see this.

My brother with a moustache.

and a STYLISH one as well!!

Have a great day.

and if it's bad,

just remember this picture and it will make everything better.

To be 4 again.

I've been having a difficult time lately.

Not with the Adoption though.

In fact,

I've never been better when it comes to the Adoption.

Just as far as life and where mine is going.

I have a hard time seeing my future sometimes.

I can't see past right now.

I don't know where life is going to take me and that scares me sometimes.

Yeah I'm going to school and working.

but that's boring and I don't really want to be doing that for the rest of my life.

I don't want to do any career for the rest of my life.

The only thing I WANT to do is be a wife and mother.

(I don't care how hard it is. To be either one.)

but there is no guarantee that will happen.

So it's hard for me to move on with school and stuff when I don't really want to do that forever.

I've been really thinking about this lately.

It's not like I'm not TRYING to accomplish my goal to be a wife and mother.

I am dating.

I go out on dates.

I just haven't really dated anyone that I am really interested in enough to keep dating.

I'm not picky.

I just have requirements for my future husband.

and it's really hard to date when the guys I date don't fit those requirements...

it seems the only people I attract are opposite of what I want.

It's really depressing.

Anyway,

I'm going off on a tangent now.

This morning, I was sitting around being lazy (I love the days I can do that)

and I was watching cartoons with my little brother Joey and friend Krista's Son, Nate.

Joey got up and asked me if he could go to his friend Gage's house across the street.

I said yes and told him to watch for cars.

He threw on his shoes and Jacket and ran out the door into the snowy weather.

After the door closed,

I went over to the window to watch him cross the street to make sure he did watch for cars and that he got there safe.

When he got to the curb of our street, he stopped looked both ways for cars and then stood there for about two minutes.

I was wondering what he was doing, when he looked up into the sky, letting the huge snowflakes fall on his face.  I watched him as he sat there for a good minute, then looked both ways again and ran across the street.

I sat down in the chair in our living room, still watching him out the window and started thinking about my life and all of the stresses that come with it. I was on the verge of tears when, after there was no answer from Gage's house, Joey again walked to the end of their driveway to the curb, looked up at the sky, put his arms out and started spinning around in circles, obviously enjoying this weather.

That 4 year old boy enjoys life so much. 

He was enjoying this weather and dancing in the (what I see as dreadful) snow. 

He didn't have a worry in the world and you could see that as he spun around. 

I had to take a picture of him when he got back inside.

My dad calls Joey Tigger.

The boy doesn't just walk, he bounces when he walks, or skips.

He is such a happy kid.

One day my dad asked Joey "If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be?"

Joey looked at him for a second and then answered with complete confidence, "Joey."

This kid teaches me so much.

I know I need to enjoy life.

It would be so nice not to have a stress in the world.

It would be nice if I could answer "Andee" when someone asked me who I would be if I could be anyone in the world.

I'm not very confident and I think that is a huge problem.

I am going to start trying...as hard as possible, to enjoy life like my little brother does.

I won't let my future haunt me.

I will live in the present and hopefully,

one day,

I WILL find my prince charming.

I WILL marry for eternity in the temple

and I WILL in fact, one day, be a mother.

I know I'm only 20.

But that doesn't mean my future is easy to see.

Midterms. CHECK

I just turned in my last midterm today.

{insert sigh of Relief!}

Now...3 more days until SPRING BREAK!

I can't wait.

It's gonna be relaxing.

All I'll be doing is work.

Maybe I'll have time to clean my room?

ALSO,

I would like to thank Andrea for my new blog...

she spent like 2 hours helping me make three columns

(well...more like doing it FOR me)

Whatdya think?

oh and uh,
I'm gonna be...

blogging more.

Hopefully.

;)

Sister Sister

I had a question on Formspring asking me to tell a little about my siblings.

I thought that was a good idea.

(especially since I seriously am slacking on ideas lately!)

So, I would like to introduce you to My Family:

(Dustin and Andrea took this picture in December. It's our most recent family picture!)

BreeAnn and Blake:

BreeAnn and Blake were married December 13th 2008,

a little less than two months after Avery was born.

They were both SOO good through the birth and very senstive during my emotional breakdowns.

Blake is the best brother-in-law to ever exist.

BreeAnn and I are only 11 months apart (EXACTLY)

and

it's so wierd how incredibely different our lives are.

She's the perfect role model and I'm so grateful to have both of them in my life.

They have a blog and I love it.

Read it by clicking here

Emilee:

Emilee is my best friend.

I go to her whenever I have a bad day

and she deals with all of my crap.

ALL OF IT.

when I'm in a bad mood,

she just smiles and knows not to take it personally when I take it out on her.

She listens to me complain when I have a hard day.

She is the perfect person to go to when you just need to VENT.

I love her and can count on her for anything.

She is the peacemaker in the home.

She is 18 years old and I can't wait for her to graduate so we can move into an apartment together...if she doesn't leave me for Utah State that is! :(

Kaitlyn:

Kaitlyn just turned 15, but looks way older.

She's got STYLE and everything everything looks good on her.

She could leave home in Pj's after just getting out of bed and still look good.

She is definitely the Princess of the home and knows how to get what she wants! 

She is the best babysitter out there and is great with kids!

I don't like the fact that she'll be in high school soon OR the fact that she'll be driving in a year.

Everyone drive with Caution as of February of 2011!! :)

I love her and wish she would just stay the same little 4 year old girl that yelled at everything that she ran into (it was hilarious).

She can't grow up.

She's the only little girl left.

I had the hardest time telling her about my pregnancy of any of my other siblings.

She was 13 at the time and I knew I was the big sister she was supposed to be looking up to.

I hope that she can learn from my mistakes and not be like me!

Dallin:

Dallin is my oldest little brother. 

I noticed as of last Sunday, that  is no longer my little kid brother...and that's scary.

I swear he's got a mustache almost!

Dallin is a good little brother and a good big brother for the two little brothers.

He's a gentleman and the girl he ends up marrying better know he's got 4 older sister judging her every move! She better treat him right.

Dallin is a serious BOY.

Most of the things he does grosses me out.

He is good with his money and at age 13, he already has great work Ethic!

I just gotta say that the girl that he chooses to marry, will be one lucky girl!

He has a great testimony and is a true leader.

I love my big little brotherr!!

Casey:

There are three words that can Describe Casey perfectly:

Dennis the Mennis

no joke.

in fact, I almost wrote that for his name on accident!

Casey is the funniest, cutest trouble maker that exists.

he says the funniest things.

I would tell you some,

but they're just not the same unless he says it...and some of them are kind of mean.

Talk about getting mad at him, while working as hard as you can to keep from busting out in laughter!

Whenever we go out to dinner,

and he likes what he gets,

he makes sure to ask the waiter/waitress if he can have the recipe.

Casey is currently working on acting more enthused when he see's me.

Usually he says "Hiii Andeee..." and he sounds like Eyore on Winnie the Pooh.

He does NOT sound happy to see me.

So now, after practicing with him a LOT 

whenever he sees me,

he tries his hardest to sound excited.

more like, HI ANDEE! with a grin on his face.

haha

It's working for the most part.

I just had to add that in there.

cause it's funny how hard it is for him.

I love this kid.

I don't know how I lived without him before.

Yet another reason I love Adoption.

Joey:

Oh look, even another reason Adoption is Amazing!

Joey is seriously the center of our home.

He gets whatever he wants from whoever he wants.

he is SO SPOILED ROTTEN!

It's hard NOT to spoil him.

He's SOO funny and has the greatest sense of humor already.

Example:

He was in my parents room watching cartoons one day

and I was babysitting him.

My dad walked in and went straight to his room.

When he got there he saw Joey and asked "where's mom Joe?"

without even looking away from the tv he says "She broke up with you."

my dad wasn't expecting that so he starts laughing and asked "why?"

and still, looking at the tv, he says "because I told her to."

haha!

So my dad called my mom and was telling her that story when Joey finally looks away from the T.V. and says "Dad, it was just a joke!"

He's so funny.

if I'm having a bad day, he ALWAYS knows how to cheer me up.

He's so cute. I LOVE HIMM!!